Finding Strength (14 page)

Chapter Twenty-Two

September 2
nd
, 2008

            
 
The next week rolled on and soon it was Friday. Amy and Shane are doing their weekend cookout, which happens to also be Labor Day weekend, and so here I stand in Amy’s kitchen helping prepare homemade macaroni and cheese, mashed potatoes and a salad to go with the ribs that Shane has on the grill. The smell floating in from outside has my stomach growling but there is also a fluttering there that the food is definitely not causing. Zak was supposed to be here an hour ago but he called Shane saying he was going to be late.

My mind is working overtime conjuring up all the reasons and excuses that one could make for being late, or not showing up at all, and it’s driving me crazy. Apparently too crazy.

“Are you going to chop the lettuce to the point that it no longer needs chewed?” Amy ask, a smirk playing at the corners of her lips.

“Sorry, guess I got lost in my thoughts.”

“Oh yeah? And would those thoughts have anything to do with a sandy-haired, very nicely sculpted man?”

“Maybe,” I said, although with the thoughts currently spinning a web in my head, there was n
o
room for a smile.

“Okay, Anna, spill it. What’s wrong?” Amy ask me, cocking her hip against the counter while she crosses her arms over her chest and pins me with a knowing stare.

“I’m just worried. Now that I have decided to maybe give this a go, what if this isn’t what he wants? What if he doesn’t even come over? What if there’s someone else that is making him late? What if,” Amy stops my rambling, her hands brace my shoulders turning me to face her.

“Stop it. Don’t get carried away. You’re worrying for nothing.”

“How do you know that? You know what, never mind, it’s okay. I’m just being paranoid.”

“Yes you are. Now, let’s finish getting this dinner ready. I’m starved.”

The potatoes are peeled and in the bowl ready to be mashed, I glance into the living room to check on Braxton and Allie who are still happily entertained by the minions. I take a seat on a stool at the kitchen island as Amy gets the macaroni and cheese out of the oven, sets it on the counter next to me and then goes about mashing the potatoes. Zak still hasn’t made it and I’m trying desperately to keep the pessimistic thoughts away. On some level, I’m excited about the prospect of this friendship progressing with Zak, as in dating him, and that scares me.

I know I still have hurdles to jump and a mountain or two to climb to completely be at ease with the guilt that tries to overtake me at times. Well, let’s face it, not at ease, because who is ever at ease with a guilty conscience? It’s a learning curve to me, trying to get my heart to understand that it’s okay to open up. It’s even harder when my mind won’t shut up about the possibilities of Zak realizing that it’s too much to deal with and not something that he is willing to take on right now, maybe ever.

Amy interrupts my inner musings once more saying that dinner is ready and asking me to carry out the salad and potatoes. I grab the bowls and follow her outside. As I set the bowls down, I notice that the kids are already in their seats patiently waiting on their plates to be filled. I must have really been lost in my thoughts not to notice Amy taking the kids outside. I jump when I feel a set of hands settle on my hips and feel the warmth of a solid chest as it presses against my back. Zak’s scent hits me before I can even react and my heart beats a rhythm that I am sure is going to pound right out of my skin.

I start to turn around but Zak’s breath on my ear halts my movements.

“Hey sunshine,” he whispers against my neck. His breath sparking chill bumps on my skin.

“Hey yourself,” I whisper back, knowing he can feel the shiver that raced through my body. All of the wondering where he was or if he was even coming vanish in an instant. When did he get here? I wonder. Zak lets me go and I shiver again at the loss of contact. Be still my heart. My switch must still be on the good side of moving forward. I’m working feverishly to keep it there. 

All of these feelings and reactions that I have to him terrify me as much as they excite me which leaves me more confused than ever. But, I’m going to do my best to just enjoy the feelings he elicits. No matter how hard I try to contain the guilt and fear, it’s ever present and a battle I know will be hard fought. I still worry that I am leading him on or rather, leading him into a relationship where I can only offer him a part of me. The other part still firmly belongs to Jacob. When I turn around and my eyes lock on Zak’s, all of the questions, worries, and doubts seem to disappear, if only for a little while.

Dinner was nice. There were a lot of laughs and great conversation. The tension I had felt earlier in the day never returned, allowing me to fully enjoy the evening. But all too soon, it was time to go home. Braxton was already rubbing his eyes and he needed to get to bed. I didn’t want to go, not while I was finally feeling more like the person I was before Jacob was murdered. That in and of itself was a huge step forward for me. I’m actually proud of myself and savoring the feeling of being a living, breathing human.

The kitchen was cleaned and Braxton’s bag was packed and ready to go, I hug Shane and Amy good-bye and bid them goodnight. Zak has never once left me to drive home alone and tonight was no different. He walked me to my truck, took Braxton from me and buckled him in. He turned to me, a slight smile playing on his lips.

“I’ll follow you home,”

“Thanks,” I reply. I wasn’t going to argue it this time, not when I wasn’t ready for the night to end yet. I know we have a date tomorrow night, but I haven’t felt this alive or this vivacious in such a long time. I still feel the dark cloud looming in the distance, but for now, I’m going to ignore it and push back with all of my might to keep it at bay.

Zak pulled in behind me in the driveway, he didn’t get out of his truck though. Braxton was sound asleep and so I left the driver’s side door open so that I could still see him and walked back to Zak’s truck.

“Thanks for following me home. Do you want to come in?” I asked him, secretly hoping he would say yes.

“I’d love to, but I really need to be going.” Zak’s eyes were on mine and I’m sure they conveyed my disappointment. I tried to recover but couldn’t school my features before he noticed. “I’ll see you tomorrow?”

“Yeah, I’ll see you tomorrow.” I turned and started to walk back to my truck to get Braxton. I was somewhat embarrassed even though I had no reason to be.

“Anna?” Zak called out to me. I turned to him and let our eyes connect. “I’ll pick you up at seven,” he said, his eyes vibrant in the moonlight. I returned his smile, nodded once, and turned back to my truck to get my son.

I changed Braxton and laid him down in his bed. I took a shower and dressed for bed as well. Sleep was evading m
e
and my thoughts were beginning to scatter. The fear and guilt I had fought so hard to hold off started making their way out of the safe corner I had tucked them into. If there was a way to rid myself of these two particular feelings for good, I’d definitely do it. I spent the next two hours having an internal war with myself. Tossing and turning, weighing all of my feelings against one another. I finally drifted off into a restless sleep as the battle of my emotions raged on.

The sun glared through my window casting its brilliant glow on my closed eyelids. I felt as if I had just gotten to sleep, even though I hadn’t. I would have pulled the covers over my eyes but I heard Braxton’s little pitter pat of footsteps coming down the hall. I kicked the blankets off of me and slowly got out of bed. I picked up my cell phone off of the night stand and made it to my bedroom door just as Braxton started to enter my room.

“Come on, baby boy. Let’s get you some breakfast and Momma some coffee.”

Coffee made and cup in hand, I set Braxton’s eggs and toast in front of him and sat down beside him. I call Amy to see if she can get Braxton early. I’m so exhausted from my lack of sleep last night, so Amy is going to pick him up in an hour. I sip my coffee and watch my son eat his breakfast. My emotions are still pretty jumbled but with the sun dawning a new day, I steel myself and set my determination in high gear. I may be only able to offer Zak a little piece of me, but I’m willing to give that to him, or at least give him and I that chance, to see where this goes.

When Braxton finished eating, I got him dressed and a bag packed for his day with Allie. He was adamant that he needed to take two of his cars with him so I put them in the bag as well. When Amy arrived, I unlocked the door to let her in. She breezed past me into the living room and went straight to Braxton, picking him up and giving his face kisses. It reminded me so much of the times she would do this with Lindsey. Instead of the normal dread and sadness I felt, I only felt happiness at seeing Braxton respond to Amy in the same way Lindsey always did. This wasn’t a new thing with them, but it was the first time I looked at it with a different perspective.

“You look like death warmed over,” Amy said, scrunching up her nose at me.

“Didn’t sleep well. I’m going to take a nap before it’s time to go tonight. Thank you for getting him early.”

“Not a problem. I’m going to go so you can get some beauty sleep, you need it,” she laughed.

“Ha ha! I love you, too.” I deadpanned, not able to help the upturning of my mouth.

“I know you do!”

After they left, I went back to bed and quickly fell asleep. No thoughts tainting my mind, my heart too tired to argue, or maybe it just finally agreed to admit a little that it could open up, even if a fraction, for Zak. One day at a time, one step at a time, down this new path that life has placed me on. It’s all I can do.

              Chapter Twenty-Three              

When I woke up, the clock beside my bed said that it was five in the evening. I jump up and race to the bathroom, turning on the water to the shower.

“Dang it, how could I have slept so long?” I say to myself. Running back out of the bathroom into my bedroom, I rummage through my closet until I find the little black dress I picked out the other day just for tonight. Laying it across the bed, I rush back into the bathroom and into the shower, under the hot spray of water.

I finish getting ready and when I look at the clock again, it’s six forty-five. I take one last glance in the mirror and then make my way to the living room to wait for Zak to arrive. Right at seven, he knocks on the door. I take a deep breath, my nerves vamping up a notch at this being our first date alone. If we are even classifying this as a date. I hesitate only for a moment before reaching for the door handle. One last deep breath in and I swing open the door. Zak is standing on the other side, a bouquet of roses in hand.

“You look breathtaking. These are for you,” he says as he holds out the roses to me.

“Thank you, you look pretty good yourself. Come in while I put these in water?” I ask. I turn and walk into the kitchen and Zak follows behind me. I get a vase, fill it with water and arrange the roses, smelling their beautiful, sweet scent. “You ready to go?”

“Absolutely. Shall we?”

“We shall.”

Zak walks me to his truck and opens my door for me, closing it once I am seated inside. I could get use this, I muse to myself. He starts the truck and turns to me before putting it in reverse.

“You really do look amazing tonight, Anna.”

A blush creeps up my neck to my cheeks and I’m thankful for the clouds, darkening the inside of the cab, diluting the redness on my face.

“Thank you, Zak.” I say, and it comes out as if I am some shy teenager on her very first date. Almost breathless.

Zak takes me to a very nice steakhouse for dinner before the movie. On the drive over, the conversation was light, consisting mainly about music and talking about whoever was singing at the time. Zak parks the truck and tells me to wait here. He comes around the front to open my door for me, just like a southern gentleman. It makes me feel special or like I’m important. Lord knows not too many men do this nowadays. I hook my arm through the crook of his elbow and let him guide me into the restaurant.

The hostess seats us and it’s only a moment before the waitress appears to take our drink order. When the waitress returns, we place our food order. As soon as she was out of earshot, Zak starts up the conversation, only this time, what should have been a simple question becomes one with a very complicate
d
answer.

“How was your day?” Zak ask, unknowing the turmoil my mind was in last night. I decide that honesty is the best policy. I don’t want to start this off on the wrong foot. I already have enough craziness living in my head right now, no need to make matters worse by lying or evading the question.

“Honestly, I can’t remember most of it.”

“And why is that? Midday drinking?” he laughs. I can’t help but let out a little giggle.

“No midday drinking for this girl or drinking at any time. That’s a story for another day though. I didn’t sleep well last night, so I wound up sleeping most of the day,” I tell him, watching his face, watching the emotions as they switch from worry to confusion, to something unreadable.

“You can definitely tell me the drinking, or lack thereof, story later. Why didn’t you sleep well, are you okay?” he ask, true concern in his voice, his eyes matching the tenderness.

“Look, Zak. I need to tell you this so that you know exactly what you are getting into with me.”

“Okay, should I be worried?” he ask.

“I’m not sure, maybe, maybe not. I just want you to understand where I’m at in my life right now and I don’t really know where to start.”

“How about at the beginning?”

And so I do, I start from the beginning, telling him about Lindsey and her death. How my days were as dark as the night after I lost her. How I was drowning in my sorrow with no way of knowing where the surface was. I told him of my saving grace, Jacob, and how he pulled me from the darkness and brought me back to the light. When I get to the part of Jacob’s murder, my eyes fill with tears and Zak tries to tell me it’s okay, that I don’t have to talk about it. I need to, though. I need him to know so he fully understands just how broken I am. Through my tears, I tell him about the day Jacob never came home and how my world once again was shattered.

Zak doesn’t say anything, he just looks at me with something close to sympathy in his eyes. It takes me a few minutes to get my emotions reigned back in and the tears to dry. I feel raw, bared open, and vulnerable. Zak reaches across the table and takes my hand in his. The gesture provides a much needed comfort as if he is simply saying he understands. I squeeze his hand hold on to the peacefulness it affords.

“I’m sorry, Anna. There’s nothing I can say that will make all of your pain go away. I know we haven’t known each other very long, but I want to be someone you can talk to, whenever you need it. I haven’t been through what you have, but I do know what it feels like to lose someone who was everything to you,” he says, giving my hand a light squeeze.

“Thank you, and I’m sorry I laid all of that on you when our night has barely begun. I just need you to know that right now, all I can offer you is part of me. The part that I have somewhat put back together. I have a lot of jagged pieces of me, Zak. I don’t want t
o
be a burden or a hardship and I sure don’t want to pull anyone into my darkness.”

“I like you, Anna. You have a strength about you that I’m not sure you even realize you have. We can go slowly, take our time to get to know one another. I’m not asking for more than that.”

“I’d like that. I just worry that when I’m having a bad day, or when the guilt and pain overtakes me that it will be too much for you,” I say quietly.

“Why don’t you let me be the judge of that?” he asks. I bite my bottom lip, pondering his question. “Let’s just take it a day at a time.”

“That’s what I tell myself every single day,” I tell him, looking up into his eyes. What I see there causes my heart to skip a beat. Compassion, truth, empathy, and a touch of fear call out to me from within the depths of his eyes.

“I do have one question,” I say, digging deep for the bravery I’m not sure I possess.

“Oh yeah? What’s that?”

“Is this a date? Not like a friendship date, but a real date?” I feel kind of stupid for even asking this question, but I want to know how he sees this, whatever it is between us.

“Do you want it to be?” he ask.

“I think I do.”

“Then it’s a real date, Anna. I’d like nothing more.”

Zak changes the subject, directing it to a much lighter topic. In a way, I feel better, yet at the same time, I feel as though maybe it was too much, too soon. But Zak doesn’t seem effected by the doom and gloom of my past. At least not in a way that would send him running for the hills. I enjoy dinner and I enjoy Zak’s company. He’s like a breath of fresh air after being in a place where only tainted air existed.

Something shifted in the atmosphere of my world that night. Even though I am nowhere near where I need to be, Zak seemed complacent with me, with what I can offer him right now. He didn’t push for more, he didn’t try to cross any boundaries, and he was exactly what I needed right at that moment. After the movie, when the date ended and he drove me home, he walked me to my door. Holding true to his gentleman form, Zak didn’t try to kiss me goodnight, even though secretly a part of me wanted him to while the other part of me was grateful for the reprieve. He did, however, lean in a kiss me on the cheek before turning and walking back to his truck.

I watched as he drove away, and for once, the demons of my past were not at war with me. They were silent as I made my way to my room. Maybe Zak was right. Maybe I did have a strength I wasn’t aware of. Time will tell. I know there will be days when the battle will rage and I’ll face them when they come, praying he’s right and that I have the ability to fight back, to know what it is I need to do to move on.