Finding You (By You #3) (13 page)

When they got to her car, she grinned up at him, still not quite ready to leave his side. She hated knowing she had to go back to her dorm without him.

"Thanks for a fun day," she said. "It was exactly what I was needing."

A small grin cracked across his face, and he nodded along with her.

"Yeah, it was pretty amazing," he agreed.

They smiled at each other for a time--his eyes really were gorgeous. Then, a thought occurred to her. One that she probably should just keep to herself. But no sooner was it in her head than it was coming out her mouth.

"So, just so we're clear, what exactly are your intentions here?" she asked.

She wanted to cringe as soon as she said it, wanted to jump in her car and race off before he even had the chance to answer it. What was she thinking? They'd been on one date--no, they hadn't even finished that date, yet--and she was already harassing him about where he saw things going? Now he was surely going to think she was out of her mind.

His eyes narrowed after she said it, surely disbelieving that she was actually asking him such a thing. She could be such an idiot sometimes.

"I don't know," he began, and her stomach felt like it was going to drop straight down through her legs.

His eyes looked between hers, searching, but she couldn't bring herself to tell him it was no big deal, couldn't bring herself to stop his floundering. Was it a big deal? No, certainly not.

He continued, "I guess I wasn't sure what
you
were thinking. I mean, you just got out of a relationship, and you said that you've been focusing on yourself..."

Now Sarah's stomachs were doing flips inside of her, doubling and then redoubling over on itself. She had pushed him too far, this time she was sure of it. Why couldn't she just let well enough alone? Why couldn't she have just let things play out the way they should have.

"Yeah, of course," she said. "The semester has been pretty tough." She gave him as much of a smile as she could manage, and he returned it, suddenly looking nervous, himself. She needed to get out of there before she managed to shove her foot even farther into her mouth. "Well, I guess I should get going."

Jeremy held the door open for her after she unlocked it, and clicked it shut gently after she climbed in. She clicked a button and the window rolled down. She gave him another smile.

"Thanks again for tonight. I had an amazing time."

He gave her an intense look but with only a hint of a smile.

"Can I call you tomorrow?" he asked.

She nodded, quickly. "Anytime."

"Great." He tapped the top of the car twice as he stood up. "Drive safe."

Sarah gave him a tiny wave as she back out of the spot and drove off. Jeremy stood there and watched her until she couldn't see him anymore. She wasn't sure, but it actually looked like he had a sad look on his face.

Probably because you ruined everything
, she thought.

It had all started when she made a big deal out of nothing, and then she'd totally freaked him out by making a big deal out of one harmless little date. Not everything had to mean something. Why couldn't she just enjoy her time with him without trying to overanalyze every little thing?

But, she already knew the answer to that question. It was because of Huck, because of what he'd done to her. She wondered if she was ever going to be able to really trust another man again. More importantly, she wondered if she'd just pushed away a really great guy because she wasn't able to trust him?

Jeremy stood in that spot in the parking lot until he could no longer see the lights of Sarah's car. Then he stood there for a while longer. A million things were racing through his mind, a million different things that he should have done, should have said, while he had the chance to.

With a frustrated sigh, he turned and walked back to his dorm, kicking at little pebbles on the sidewalk along the way. He didn't know why he'd lied to her about the accident. He should have just come out and told her the truth. What was she going to think now if it came out in the future? No, he didn't think he'd be able to tell her--not about
that
. She's never want to talk to him again, if he did.

But then, after what she'd said in the parking lot, he wasn't sure they were going to be hanging out again, anyway. He had thought everything was going so well, and she'd said she was having a good time, but then the way she'd acted before they left made him think that she was trying to let him down easy. He didn't want to make things awkward with her, but he wanted to see her again.

No, he wanted more than that. He wanted to
be
with her.

But she'd just gotten out of something serious, the only serious relationship she'd ever been in. He liked her too much to push her, liked her too much to just be a rebound. The fact that he didn't have her in his arms right then drove him crazy--he never wanted to let her go. But he knew he had to play it cool, play it slow, if he wanted to keep her around.

Why did women have to be so damned confusing?

When Jeremy got back to his room, he sat down at his desk. He drummed his fingers on the desktop for a few seconds while staring down at one of the drawers. With a sigh, he opened the drawer and pulled out a framed picture of a girl he once knew--a girl he once loved. He stared at the picture for a long time, memories flooding his thoughts like they did every time he looked at that picture.

Dani
.

It was the only picture he had of her, anymore. All the others were gone, but he'd never been able to bring himself to get rid of this one. This one was his, and it reminded him of a happier time in his life--a time when they were together and carefree.

He rubbed his fingers across it, a familiar tightness constricting his throat as he did. He'd have thought that the years would make him numb to everything he felt when he looked at her, but they hadn't. Pain and anguish still tore through him every time he thought about her.

"I'm sorry," he said, for what must have been the millionth time. But this time was different. He could feel heat rushing to his face and stinging in his eyes as he continued. "I've made a lot of promises over the years, and I've tried my best to keep every one of them." His head hung limp as he shook it, unable to look her in the eye, anymore. "But now I think I've broken a big one."

When he looked back up, his vision was blurred and wet. He wiped at his face, but it didn't help. Old tears were instantly replaced with new. How many tears had he lost since he lost her?

"It should have been me that night. God, I wish it could have been me..."

He swallowed hard over the lump of fire settling in his throat. He knew he had to keep going, had to get out what he had to say. It was his way of keeping her alive, of not letting himself forget the beautiful life that had been stolen away far too soon.

"I know I promised you that I would never move on--that I
could
never move on. But I met someone recently. Someone I think you'd like if you got to know her. She's kind, and I don't know what's going to happen with her, but I have to let myself find out."

He ran his fingers over the picture one more time, not bothering to wipe away the tears streaking down his cheeks.

"I'll always love you, but I know now that I have to make room for someone else in my life. I just hope you understand."

He kissed the picture gently, then put it back in the drawer and slid it shut. He should have told Sarah the truth, he knew that. It was the right thing to do. But he knew that if the truth came out, she wouldn't want to be with him anymore. And that was something he wasn't ready to deal with. He didn't want to think about her not being in his life anymore, but he wasn't sure exactly how to handle it.

Finally, he blew out a long breath. He knew what he needed to do. There was someone he needed to talk to that might be able to help him. He let out a tiny laugh as the irony settled over him. He only hoped she found the situation half as amusing as he did. She'd tell him what he needed to do, even if what she had to say wasn't something he wanted to hear.

Sunday crawled at a snail's pace as Sarah tapped her pen on the edge of the table. A girl scowled at her from a few tables over and she winced an apology. The library was deathly silent aside from her continued fidgeting.

She had gone to the library in hopes of getting some of her homework done for the week, but instead she'd spent most of the morning staring at her phone. Jeremy still hadn't called like he said he would, and she was on the verge of giving up.

With a frustrated sigh, she slammed her book shut and shoved her things into her backpack. Maybe the walk back to her dorm would help clear her head. She was frustrated with herself more than anything. Why did she feel the need to overanalyze everything that had happened on their date? Why did she feel the need to make a big deal out of nothing? If only Jeremy would call her so she could talk to him and make it all right. But now she was starting to wonder if he was going to call at all.

By the time she made it back to her dorm, she couldn't take it anymore. She stared at her phone all the while, just wishing that it would light up and his name would appear, but it never happened.

This is dumb, I should just call him. What's the big deal, anyway?

She clicked on the phone and pulled up his number. She hesitated for only a second before clicking the
DIAL
button. It rang three times before he answered.

"Hey there, beautiful," he said, his voice sounding like honey to her ears. She wasn't afraid to crack a nervous smile since he couldn't see her, anyway.

"How's your morning been?" she asked, trying to keep her voice steady.

"It's been alright, I guess." There was a hesitation before he continued, his voice sounding rushed. "Sorry to be rude, but you kind of caught me at a bad time. Did you need something?"

Sarah winced as her chest felt like it was going to collapse in on itself.

"I'm sorry, I didn't know."

"It's no problem..." His voice trailed off and there was another awkward silence. "So, did you need anything?"

It was everything she could do to stop herself from groaning out loud. She had to think fast to save any semblance of dignity.

"Yeah, I was actually wondering if you wanted to do something tomorrow. Maybe lunch?"

Another silence while he considered it. These pregnant silences were killing her, slowly. Why had she called in the first place?

"Actually I can't tomorrow. I have classes all day."

"Oh, okay..."

"Well, listen, I've got to get going. I'll text you later, okay?"

"Yeah, alright. Talk to you then."

The line went dead just as quickly as she'd said it. Sarah stared at her phone for a long while afterward, trying to figure out what had possessed her to call him. If there was any chance that she
hadn't
come across as overbearing the night before, she'd just ruined it completely.

She threw herself on her bed, wanting to curl up into a little ball and forget about life. Maybe she was just doomed to be alone, forever?

Stop feeling sorry for yourself. You didn't really do anything wrong, you're overreacting for no reason.

The stubborn little voice in the back of her head wasn't helping. Usually she could listen to it and perk right up, but this time she wasn't so sure it was right.

She lay there for a long time, thinking about all of the things she could have done differently. After a while, she was able to pull herself out of bed to try and get some work done. There was no sense in being depressed
and
even more behind on her homework. Maybe a day of hard work would help her forget about everything going on with Jeremy? Or maybe she would just end up stewing in her own self-pity for the rest of the day?

The rest of the day passed out without much note. Eventually Sarah was able to settle into her homework and get a few things done, though she was still very distracted. At one point, she'd gone down to Reagan's room to see if she was around, but her roommate said she hadn't heard from her since that morning. She was probably off having fun or getting some homework done herself, and Sarah didn't feel the need to bother her. It would just turn into a bitch fest, and there was no point in ruining
both
of their days.

By the time she was ready to go to sleep she was still staring at her phone. Jeremy never did text her like he said he was going to. She couldn't blame him, she probably would have done the same thing in his shoes. It was done, she knew it. She'd completely ruined everything with one of the nicest guys she'd ever met.

Sleep didn't come very quickly. She tossed and turned for what felt like most of the night before drifting off into a half-sleep of sorts. When her alarm went off the next morning, she felt like death. The idea of getting up and getting ready for class sounded awful, and for the first time she could finally relate to all of those people that walked around campus looking like they'd just rolled out of bed.

She didn't really need to go to class, did she? Would it really kill her to miss one day?

She decided it wouldn't. She needed a personal day, a day to get her head screwed on straight, again. Maybe she'd do some reading, or go check on Reagan to see what she was up to with her day. Yes, that sounded much better than trying to drag herself to class where she would inevitably be so bored her thoughts would start to wonder to places they shouldn't go. No, she had to keep herself busy, and keep Jeremy as far out of her head as possible.

Sarah glanced at her phone one more time, just to make sure she hadn't missed anything--she hadn't.

Well, fine. If that was how it was going to be, then that was how it was going to be. She fucked up, she admitted it, and all she could do was learn from it and move on. She couldn't make him be interested in her if he wasn't already. Especially after everything they'd done the other night.

Sarah took her time getting ready for the day, and she still checked her phone more than she cared for, scolding herself each time. Around midmorning, she set off for Reagan's room. Surely she would be up by now, and Sarah needed the distraction to help keep her mind off things. As she drew close to the door, she could hear laughter coming from inside. She hesitated a second before knocking, hoping that she wasn't interrupting anything.