Fire Down Below (10 page)

***

When I arrive at Mamacita’s there
are a lot of people waiting for a table. I check if Ben is among them, but
don’t notice him anywhere. I wander through the restaurant, and just as I’m
ready to go out front again, I see him. He’s sitting at a corner booth reading paperwork.
When he looks up and our eyes meet, a shock passes through me. For a moment
neither of us moves. We stare at each other like a scene from a movie where all
the background noise fades away and it’s only the two people caught in a still
frame. But then Ben breaks into a smile, and I smile too as I begin walking
towards him.

“Kate! I’m glad you found me. When
you were late I worried you might not have thought to check back here, but
obviously you did.”

“Sorry, am I late?” I sit down
opposite him and glance at my phone to see that it’s five past noon. I don’t
really consider five minutes as being late, but then I remember what a stickler
Ben was about stuff like this. “It’s really crowded out there. How did you
manage to get a table so quickly?”

He looks embarrassed. “I got here
early. I had some reading to do and I figured I might as well do it here while
I was waiting.”

It strikes me that he’s nervous.
As a result I don’t feel nervous at all anymore, though I have to admit I can’t
take my eyes off of him. He looks like he did years ago, but different too.
He’s older obviously, and seems manlier somehow. Less like the young guy I used
to know and more like a grown-up. I wonder if that’s how I seem to him too. 

“You look really great,” he says
to me. “Your hair is different.”

I start to laugh.

“What’s so funny?”

“It’s been a long time. There’s a
lot more than my hair that’s different about me!”

“I know,” Ben grins. “It has been a
while.”

“You look great too.” And I’m not
exaggerating here. If anything he looks better than he did when we were
younger. His hair is a lot shorter, but it suits him, and he’s filled out more
physically. Ben was always in good shape, but he looks particularly fit now.   

As we smile at each other a wave
of familiarity washes over me and I remember him—
really
remember him. His
earnest manner. His conscientiousness. The way Ben always took care of himself,
worrying about his health and trying to get me to worry about mine. I remember how
he used to get annoyed with me over what felt like nothing and how too often I
felt like he was trying to change me. But then I also remember the sincerity in
his voice every time he said I love you, and how he used to breathe my name
during moments of ecstasy.

I feel my pulse quicken and realize
that I’ve missed him. A part of me still loves him. I should be surprised, but
I’m not because I think deep down I’ve always known it. Gazing into Ben’s eyes I
remember something else too—the way he cruelly dumped me. I don’t feel angry anymore,
but I haven’t forgotten what he put me through.

“So tell me what you do again,
Kate? You said you were a website developer.”

“That’s right.”

I tell him about my job, about
some of the various sites I’ve worked on. And then I begin to fill him in on
all the other details of my life since I last saw him. It’s like I want him to
know that I’ve been happy, that I’ve accomplished many of the goals I set out for
myself. I tell him about getting accepted into Pratt, the excitement and
craziness of living in New York, how I worked as an illustrator for a while and
then got interested in the web. I tell him how when I came back to Seattle I
had my pick of jobs, since there were so few people even trained for web design
back then. And as I’m talking I realize that Declan is right. I’ve got nothing
to be ashamed of.

“What made you decide to come back
though? I’m surprised you ever left New York.”

“My dad had a heart attack.”

Ben looks stunned. “I’m very sorry
to hear that. Is he all right?”

“He’s okay. He had to have surgery
and that was scary, but he’s all right now. He’s had to make a lot of lifestyle
changes though. When I came back I realized how much I missed it here and
decided to stay.”

The truth is, and what I didn’t
tell Ben was, that I never felt completely at ease living in New York. I always
found the general gruffness of most New Yorkers unnerving. Even after I
realized that’s how people are and they didn’t mean anything by it, I still
felt uncomfortable. I guess I was used to Seattle where people are almost
painfully polite to one another. In the end I realized that every city has its
own melody and as far as the melody of Manhattan went I was always off key.

Our waiter appears asking us if
we’re ready to order. Luckily, I don’t even need a menu, since I know all the
food here by heart. Ben holds up his empty beer bottle and orders another
Corona. I notice that he’s not wearing a wedding band, though I’m not quite sure
what this means. I’m also very surprised to see him drinking, which must have
shown on my face because Ben gives me a wink.

“I’m not quite the hard-ass I used
to be,” he says.

“I see that.”

We both order lunch and when Ben
orders vegetarian enchiladas, specifying that he prefers whole black beans and
no cheese, I have to smile because clearly in some ways he hasn’t changed. I,
of course, order beef and cheese enchiladas specifying that I definitely want
refried beans and that they can give me all his extra cheese. After he leaves,
Ben and I turn back to each other.

“So,” I say. “What have you been
up to? The last time I saw you, you were so sure about law school, but that
obviously changed.”

“Yeah, that’s true. Things changed
a lot after we...broke up.” He glances at me, but then looks away. “A few weeks
afterward some people I knew from the Mountaineers were going to France to
climb Mount Blanc and so I went with them. After the climb I decided I wasn’t
ready to come back to the states, so I stayed there for a while. Eventually I
had to leave though, since I couldn’t get a work visa.” He pauses. “At that
point I’d met some other climbers that were going to Germany so I tagged along
with them. To make a long story short, one of the guys I climbed with on the
Matterhorn was a geologist, and as we got to know each other I became really
interested in his work. In the end I decided to come back and go to school
majoring in earth sciences.”

“Out here?”

“No, down in Eugene at the
University of Oregon. Then I moved to Colorado and did my graduate work at CU
in Boulder. I stayed in Colorado for about four years and then a couple years
ago I got hired on with the US Geologic Survey office here in Seattle.”

I picked up my glass of water,
nodding my thanks at the waiter who had refilled it for me, and took a sip. “It
sounds like you’ve been busy.”

“You could say that. It’s been fun
though.”

“I take it you enjoy your job?”

“I love it.”

“I’m confused though. What exactly
is it that you
do
?”

Ben laughs. “Well, let’s see...I
do a few different things, but mostly I work with city engineers. I also do freelance
consulting work for a couple of private firms.”

The waiter arrives with our food
and we’re both silent as we begin to eat. The enchiladas are delicious and I
realize I’ve been so nervous all morning that, except for those two gelato
cones with Declan, this is the only real food I’ve eaten all day.

“So Kate, now that we’ve exchanged
résumés—how have you
really
been?”

I smile at his candor, remembering
that it was one of the things about Ben I always liked. I consider his question
before answering.

“I’ve been good,” I finally say. “There
are still lots of things that I’d like to do and my life’s not perfect, but for
the most part I’m happy.”

“No regrets?”

I notice the wry grin on his face.

“No, I don’t have any regrets,” I
say in an even voice. I’m hoping we can change the subject because the last
thing I want to do is rehash our hellish break-up. “My mom told me that she
heard you were engaged. Who’s the lucky girl?” I try to keep my tone light.

Ben seems confused, but then laughs.
“Let me guess, she heard that I was engaged from my mother, right?” He shakes
his head. “I’m not engaged, in fact, I’m not even seeing anyone. Haven’t been for
a while.” He looks directly at me when he says this.

“Oh?” I pick up my water, wishing
suddenly that I’d ordered a beer instead. My face feels hot and my nervousness
has returned.

“How about you? Are you involved
with anyone right now?”

“No,” I say, and to my horror my
voice comes out in high pitched squeak. I clear my throat. “I’m not seeing
anyone right now either.” I act as if I’m very interested in my food. The truth
is I feel like I’m dancing on the edge of a precipice, wanting to fall in, but
afraid.

“Do you still paint?”

I feel a pang of regret at Ben’s
question. I miss painting. “Not in years, but I’ve decided to pick it up again
recently. I’m starting a portrait of a friend tonight.”

“Did you ever finish that painting
you started of me?”

A yelp of laughter escapes me. Years
ago when we were still together I’d done the initial sketches for a painting of
Ben. I sketched his face, but then as a joke, I also made a few sketches of his
erect penis from memory. When I asked Ben if he’d like to see how the portrait
was coming along, instead of showing him the sketches I’d done of his face, I
showed him the other ones. He’d looked at them and without missing a beat said,
“I think my ass is jealous of my dick.”

“No,” I manage to say. “I never
finished them.”

Ben raises his eyebrows and grins
at me. “As I recall, that was some fine work on your part.”

“It was. I should have auctioned
them at Sotheby’s.”

“Hey, that was museum quality
stuff. I’m thinking world tour, hitting all the major cities, starting with
Paris.”

“They’ll be lining up around the
block.”

“Hell, we’ll be rich!”

We’re both giggling like a couple
of high school kids and I realize I’m having a pretty good time. Even after all
these years Ben and I still have chemistry. Of course, I can’t help wondering
if we still have chemistry in other ways too, though I’m trying not to let my
mind wander there. It’s difficult considering the subject matter.

“God, we were such kids back then,
weren’t we?” he says, shaking his head. “I thought I had it all figured out,
but I really didn’t know anything.”

“I know.” And I get the feeling
that there’s an apology in his words somewhere or at least I hope there is. “I
think we both had a lot of things we needed to learn.”

He smiles and his eyes are mischievous
and sparkly. “This is fun. I’m glad we ran into each other.”

“Yeah,” I say, returning his
smile. “Me too.”

***

Ben and I sit at Mamacita’s eating
and talking for another two hours until he eventually looks down at his watch
in alarm and says he has a meeting in Ballard in ten minutes.

“I’m sorry I have to run like
this. I didn’t realize it was so late.” He pulls his wallet out and lays a
couple of twenties on the table. “What are you doing tonight? Can I see you
again?” I pull my wallet out of my purse, but Ben’s already shaking his head at
me. “I got it covered.”

 “Thanks, that’s nice of you.” I decide
to be gracious and not force him to let me split the cost. “Actually I have
that friend coming over tonight.”

“Oh, that’s right. I forgot. How
about tomorrow night?”

I feel flattered at his
enthusiasm. Ben was never one to hold back when he wanted something.

“I can’t, I have a lot of work to
catch up on this week.” This wasn’t entirely true, but I wanted some time to
think about things, and I knew I wouldn’t be able to think clearly if I was around
Ben every day.

He deflates and then lowers his
voice when he speaks.

“Listen Kate, do you want to see
me again? You can tell me if you don’t. I’ll understand.” He looks so earnest
and as he’s talking I find myself staring at his mouth. His lips are on the
skinny side, but they’re well shaped with a strongly defined cupid’s bow. There’s
a tingling sensation in my stomach as I remember all the wonderful things they
used to do to me.

“I do want to see you again,” I
say, the words coming out before I can even stop them. “I’m not blowing you
off.” I pause, feeling a silly embarrassment at my choice of phrasing. It occurs
to me that I’m already slipping into that lust fog I always felt around Ben.
“How about Friday night—do you have any plans?”

He grins. “I do now.”

I’m still holding my wallet, so I
pull out one of my business cards and write my home phone number on the back. “Here,
call me later in the week and we’ll figure things out.” I hand him the card.

He takes it from me and before I
know it he’s off to his meeting in Ballard and I’m walking back to my car in a
daze.

On the drive back to work, I think
over all the things we talked about during our lunch. Ben told me that while he’s
dated a fair amount, he’s only had one serious girlfriend since me. Her name was
Lisa and she was a fellow geology student he lived with for three years in
Boulder. Apparently they’d decided to get married, but he was working so much
they never set a date. Eventually she got tired of waiting around for him and took
a job with a research group down in Costa Rica. Shortly after that he saw an
opening for a position in Seattle and decided to move back. Since he’s been here
he hasn’t met anyone special. Listening to him, I couldn’t help wonder if he has
commitment phobia—an affliction I’ve encountered in more than a few
thirty-something single men. He also sounds like a workaholic. But then I remember
how much he wanted to marry me all those years ago and I consider the notion
that maybe our meeting was fated.