First Kiss (Heavy Influence) (52 page)

             
“In the same fashion as he always does. I can’t worry about Kyle. I just want this all to go away. Like I wanna move on with my life without my dad pushing me down, you know.”

             
“Sounds like your moving on just fine.” He said flatly.

             
My stomach dropped. “What’s that supposed to mean?”

             
“Nothing, Aly. I just want you to be happy. It’s just tough though, you know. Hearing things. I miss you every single day like this shit just happened yesterday and when I hear that you’re hanging out with Mike it makes me wanna vomit.”

             
I thought my brain would bleed out when I heard his words. “What are you talking about?”

             
“It doesn’t matter. Don’t try to spare me,” he said cynically, the sweet tone disappearing from his voice.

             
“Jake, I’m not hanging out with him.”

             
“Whatever you wanna call it, Aly.”

             
“Jake I miss you like you’ve died. I listen to our song a million times every day, all day long. I read your text messages over and over again and I draw little stupid hearts around your name every time I have a pen in my hand. It’s not going away. There’s this huge emptiness, always.” I admitted, desperately.

             
The whoosh of the nearby freeway was all I could hear. I moved the phone away from my face to check if the call had been disconnected. The seconds remained, ticking away. He was silent and the tears welled up in my eyes. Marshall was right. I should have never called. Just because he said he missed me, didn’t mean anything would change. I sat rocking back and forth on the swing, trying to kick the sand beneath my feet farther and farther away. I’d dug a huge hole before I realized it. Marshall sat pensively staring at me, viciously chewing at his dark purple nails.

             
“Jake?”

             
“I’m here, Aly, I’ll always be here.” I barely made out his words and I cried harder when I realized their meaning.

             
“Really? You don’t hate me?”

             
“Aly, I love you. Everything I do, I think of you. How could I hate you? I’m where I’m a now, because of you. Everything I create is about you.”

             
The world stopped.

             
I sat staring at the phone in my hands, my sad tears now replaced by happy ones. “Marshall, I wish I could speed up time, like in the movies.”

             
“What did he say?”

             
“All the things I wanted to hear.” I smiled, wiping the tears away. “I gotta get back home. I told my mom I would only be gone an hour.”

             
We strolled past Nicole’s house and I could hear laughter coming over the wall from their back yard. I thought how I missed hanging out with her and how so much has changed. Her and Grant were still going strong, just another couple that was no big deal.

             
“Is it bad that I’m jealous of Nicole and Grant?”

             
“No. We all get jealous. I’m jealous of you,” he said, giving me a goofy grin.

             
“I’m jealous of you too.” I nudged. “I guess we all have our shit, right?”

             
Marshall grabbed my hand, squeezing it tight. I didn’t let go and he didn’t either.

             
“Aly, you’re an angel. I prayed so hard that going into high school would be easy. I prayed to make new friends and for them to accept me for who I am. Then you came along and my life changed. You’re the angel that God sent to me.”

             
“Why are you gonna make me cry more?” I laughed through more tears and wrapped my arm around him. “Marshy I couldn’t have gotten through so much without you.”

50

Jake

              I tried not to think of Mike and Aly being friends and wondered if he’d tried to make a move on her yet. The thought of him touching her soft, clean skin with his smelly cigarette hands made my ears ring. The sad fact was I had to get over it. He wasn’t going anywhere. He was near her and I wasn’t. I could only hope that if he did come on to her, that she’d kick him in the nuts. I had no room to complain because Rachel was hangin’ around too.

             
I didn’t tell anyone I’d been talking to Aly again, my feelings for her were stronger than ever, but it didn’t mean anything either. We couldn’t be together. She was bound to get over me at some point and find another boyfriend. The thought of someone else being with her made my ulcers burn. The ulcers were the lovely side effect from all my pill popping. I had no idea how bad the physical toll was that they’d taken on me. I’d lost nearly ten pounds by the end. I was a disheveled mess and looked like shit. The good thing was the ulcers were slowly healing. Each day was a struggle and the only outlets I had were my music and calling my sponsor, Amy James, in addition to Narcotics Anonymous meetings.

             
I was determined not to be druggie like those people in the meetings. Some of them were successful and some of them had lost it all. Lost their families, husbands, wives, and their babies were born addicted. My situation came on so fast I didn’t want to admit I was stuck.

             
Dump was my supportive load-baring wall. I didn’t know what I’d do without him. He knew exactly what I was going through. The depression and withdrawal effect were the most agonizing things I’d ever gone through, sweating and reeking with weakness. I think if Dump hadn’t gone through the same thing, he’d beaten my ass and left the band for good. Thinking how everything unfolded after my drug bust made me cringe. I’d attacked Dump when he tried to block my exit from the rehab facility, ripping and tearing at his favorite, vintage Sid and Nancy t-shirt. I’d destroyed it. He’d bear hugged me until I could barely breath and the sobs that followed came deep from within me. I still couldn’t believe I behaved that way.

             
Once again Aly and I made plans to see each other with Kyle’s help. It was just after dark and I sat wringing my hands and running them through my hair in nervous anticipation of her arrival.
My hair
, I thought. Aly didn’t know I’d let the black dye grow out and fade away. It wasn’t as blond as it was before I dyed it, but it was certainly blonde enough, much like my mother’s. Would she recognize me?

             
I’d developed a new, acceptable habit of drinking coffee. Coffee was my new vice. I knew exactly where every Starbuck’s location was on any well-traveled route I took. I was painfully eager and watched every car pull into the parking lot through my dusty, water spotted window and when I recognized Kyle’s black Toyota Land Cruiser, my hands tingled. Kyle’s girlfriend sat in the front seat. Aly was in the back. I rubbed my damp palms on my jeans and stood up from the stool, then sat back down. I laughed to myself and looked around to see if anyone noticed my indecisiveness. All the people around were in the midst of their own preoccupied coffee loving antics of putting cream in their cups and slurping away, their faces lit up by their computer screens.

             
I stepped outside and Aly approached me, apprehensively. The closer she got the more I felt that familiar verve that brought me to life. Her doe-like eyes searched mine, cautiously. “Hey, you,” she said tenderly, as if I would break if she spoke any louder. “Look at your hair, you look so different and so much better. I was so worried about you.”

             
I was such a pussy now. I felt like I could cry, instead I bit down on the inside of my mouth, hard. “Time and lockdown does wonders,” I said, trying to be humorous. I was afraid to touch her.

             
She reached out, wrapping her arms around me and held me snug. My arms floated, taking her tighter against me. I felt my eyelids droop as I dropped five levels into temporary paradise. I rested my cheek on her head and breathed her in, burying my face into her hair. I took her face into my hands. She was crying, tears wetting her face. I kissed her eyes and her cheeks, tasting their saltiness.

             
“Aly, don’t cry.” I whispered, my voice cracking, trying to choke back my own tears. “Hey, listen. This is all gonna pass.”

             
“It’s just hard, you know. Trying to move on without you.” She sniffed, wiping under her eyes.

             
“Let’s sit down.” I suggested. “How long do you have?”

             
“Kyle’s going to the movies down the street, so however long that is. He said to call him if you needed to go.”

             
I held her hand tightly, as if it would be the last time. I didn’t let it go as I pulled two silver chairs next to each other at the farthest end of the patio.

             
“How’ve you been?”

             
“Ok, I guess.” She paused, looking down. “That’s a lie. I can’t believe you’re here.”              

             
She laughed half-heartedly, pinching the tips of my fingers between her own. I felt like we were being watched. I glanced around, but it was hard for me to make anything out in the distance. Was there anyone watching us? No. I was just paranoid.

             
“I’m sorry, Alycat.”

             
“What’s there to be sorry about?”

             
“The pills. Lying to you about them. At the time I didn’t really think I had a problem and how that all went down and ruining our chances.”

             
“The most important thing is that you’re ok now and things with your band are great. Our chances were slim before that. I still believe…in us.” She sniffed, pulling her hand away from me, covering her mouth, holding back tears.

             
My heart ached. “I believe too. It just blows that it can’t be now.”

             
Her lips quivered. “Am I ever gonna see you again?”

             
“Come here,” I said forcing her toward me and wrapped my cold hand around the back of her neck, the warmth of her sent chills over me. I kissed her forehead and whispered in her ear. “This is not the end, I won’t let it be. I love you and I won’t let them win, Aly. As long as you want to be with me.” I confirmed, placing my hand over her heart, my eyes seeking hers. I couldn’t read her and I lifted her chin and kissed her.

             
She folded, leaning into me and kissed me deeply. “Jake, you’re my everything,” she muttered, breathless. Her hands reached up under my shirt and her cool fingers tickled my back. “But it’s not possible, not now and it sucks.”

             
She pouted and backed away, my hands rested in hers.

             
She sighed. “I haven’t paid attention to what you’ve been doing, you know, staying away from the Internet and all.” She stalled, deliberating. “I can’t stand seeing you with other girls, even if they’re fans.”

             
“I know how you feel.” I replied, disturbed. “It’s tough when you see and hear things.”

             
My thoughts flashed to all the things that Rachel so conveniently informed me of. She’s ever delighted to show me pictures of the going’s on at school. Even though I’m keen to her game, the fact that Mike and Aly are loosely hanging out remains intolerable.

             
I couldn’t stand it anymore and had to say something. “I don’t have the same discipline as you do.”

             
“What do you mean?” She replied, a little too fast. She released my hands and leaned back in her seat. A flash of fear registered in her eyes. “If you have something to say, Jake, just spit it out.”

             
I fought to keep myself dispassionate, but she was trying to hide behind a surprising bravado.

             
I chuckled lightly, shaking my head. “Aly, let’s be real here, please. Have you forgotten how much time I’ve had to myself?”

             
She huffed and her eyes narrowed.

             
I continued. “Whether you want to admit it or not, I know you’ve been hanging out with Mike. Whatever’s going on between you two, it’s just a tough pill to swallow. I don’t care if you’re just saying hello to him.”

             
Aly looked instantly ashamed, blinking twice and looking away. My heart froze. Was there more to them than I knew?

             
“I don’t know what to say, Jake. We’re friends. He’s not like he was when I first met him. It’s just a normal relationship, like I have with everyone else.” She shrugged and continued. “Where do we go from here?”

             
“That depends,” I said, solemnly, considering what to say next. “If you hadn’t called. I would have left you alone, for the both of us. I’d just hoped that in the future, that maybe we’d have another chance. You know, like if the planet’s aligned or something. My feelings haven’t changed for you, they’re stronger than ever, but it just has to be different right now. If we wanna remain friends and have any future together, there has to be an understanding.”