First There Was Forever (11 page)

W
hen I told Hailey about Nana the next day at break, she stared at me blankly for a long moment, and then said, “Are you sad?”

“I’m really sad,” I said. “And I’m especially sad for my dad and Caroline.”

Skyler, who had been sitting silently next to Hailey and playing on her phone the whole time, finally spoke. “Grandparents die,” she said. “That’s what they do.”

I looked at Skyler, with her gooey lips and glossy snake of a ponytail.

Hailey laughed a little. “It’s true, Li. That is what they do.”

I couldn’t laugh about it. I just stared at the ground.

“Well, Skyler’s holiday party is next weekend,” Hailey said. “At least you can look forward to that.”

I had forgotten about Skyler’s party. It was the last thing on my mind.

“I’ve been planning it forever,” Skyler said. “I invited, literally, the whole grade.”

“I don’t know if I’m going to feel like going to a party,” I said, feeling suddenly really, really tired. “With all of this sad stuff happening.”

Skyler gave Hailey a quick, loaded look. I recognized that look. It was the kind of look you gave people who know you really well, the people who can read your mind. That’s the way Hailey and I used to be: telepathic.

Hailey squinted up at me. “Well, you have a whole week to decide. But, seriously, it would be stupid not to come just ’cause your grandmother’s sick.”

T
he last day of school before Christmas vacation was one of those awkward filler days that come before a break. We had a holiday party in math, watched
The Motorcycle Diaries
with subtitles in Spanish, and played Literary Charades in English. Everything was supposed to be fun, but all I wanted to do was go home, climb into bed, and start making up for the sleep I’d lost since Nana had been in the hospital.

“Can we get ice cream on the way home?” I asked Mom when she picked me up after school. Finally, the day was over and the two weeks of vacation stretched out ahead of me like a perfect, unbroken ribbon.

“Of course,” Mom said. “And you should do something fun tonight.”

“I’m going to catch up on sleep,” I said. “That is my idea of fun.”

“Why don’t you invite Hailey over?” Mom asked.

“Hailey’s going to some party,” I grumbled, kicking my feet up onto the dashboard.

“You’re not going?” Mom asked. “Were you invited?”

“Sure, I was invited,” I shrugged. “Everyone is invited. But, it’s at this girl’s house who isn’t really my friend. It’s gonna be more Hailey’s friends. I don’t really like those people.”

Mom paused.

“Maybe you’ll like them more if you get to know them better,” she said carefully.

We didn’t speak again for the rest of the ride, but her words rolled around in my head like gravel.

When we pulled into the parking lot at the Cold Stone on the PCH, Mom unsnapped her seat belt and turned to face me.

“I really think you should go to the party tonight, Lima,” she declared.

“Mom, you’re being so weird about this. It’s not like I’m antisocial. I’m just tired,” I said.

“I know you aren’t antisocial,” Mom said gently. She reached out and smoothed my hair back with her hand. “It’s been a hard couple of weeks with Nana being sick and everything. I just want to see you have fun.”

“I know,” I whispered. I wished I could explain to Mom why Skyler’s party wouldn’t be fun for me, but I didn’t know how to put it into words.

“Worst case scenario, you don’t have a good time. And then you can come home and say ‘I told you so,’” she said.

I laughed a little. “I can’t believe I’m so pathetic that my mom has to convince me to go to a party.”

“Don’t call my favorite person pathetic,” Mom said. And then she leaned across the center console and kissed my cheek.

• • •

Mom dropped me at Skyler’s on the way to meet one of her friends for dinner. Dad was still with Nana. We called him from the car but he didn’t answer, so we left him a silly, singsongy voice mail. I hoped it would cheer him up.

I agreed to let Mom put makeup on me for the party. She powdered my nose and forehead, and when I flipped down the passenger side mirror and inspected her work, I thought it made me look strange and pastry-like.

Skyler lived in her own private, two-story guesthouse, totally separate from the enormous main house that her parents lived in. When I got there, I knocked on the front door and Hailey opened it. She was barefoot and wearing nothing except a towel, like she lived there.

“Am I super early?” I asked.

Hailey shrugged. “We told everyone seven, and it’s like six forty-five . . . so . . . I don’t know. People probably won’t show up until eight or nine.”

“This is the most beautiful house I’ve ever seen,” I gushed nervously. “I can’t believe Skyler has it all to herself.”

“I know, right? She can do whatever. She’s so lucky. She’s upstairs getting dressed.”

“Oh,” I said. An awkward pause settled on us, and I looked around for something to talk about.

“Want a Coke?” Hailey asked, swinging open the door to a mini-fridge. It was crazy how comfortable she seemed here.

“I’m okay,” I said.

Hailey looked at me strangely for a second and then shrugged. “Okay. I’m gonna go get dressed.”

• • •

After trying on five outfits, Hailey had landed on a short black dress and one of those bright red Santa Claus hats with fake-fur trim. Her wet hair dried into perfectly tangled, messy locks so she looked wild and fresh all at once. She and Skyler blasted pop music and drank wine coolers while they set up, dimming the lights and filling glass pitchers with spiked punch.

It seemed like the whole school arrived at once, and everything grew dense and thick like the sky darkening before an unexpected storm. People shifted around in packs like rain clouds.

I watched Hailey from across the room. She was sharing a beer with a girl I didn’t know, and she must have been saying something funny because the girl laughed. Then Hailey started laughing, dropping her head forward so that her long hair tumbled over her bare shoulders. She glowed. I suddenly felt like I looked all wrong with my neat, combed hair and painted face.

An older boy shoved past me in a rush to get to the kitchen and accidentally stepped on my foot. Instead of apologizing, he and his friend erupted into laughter and then blended into the crowd. I felt a terrible, sinking longing for my own room.

I glanced back up to where Hailey had been a moment ago, deciding I would go join her, but she was gone. I scanned the room but didn’t see her anywhere. Why was she always disappearing? And why didn’t she ever hang out with me at parties? Why was it always up to her when I was her best friend and when I was just a stranger?

I pushed through the crowded room and out the doors into Skyler’s yard. I walked through the damp grass, trying to escape the sounds of the party. When I reached the far wall, I turned and looked back at Skyler’s house. It pulsed with energy and light, like a heart in the night. Jealous, hot emotions pumped in my blood. Why couldn’t I have fun like everyone else? Why couldn’t I be like Hailey?
Why was I so awkward, so sure that no one wanted to talk to me and that these parties were stupid?
Maybe being social was good and healthy and I was just no fun. Maybe the problem wasn’t Hailey—maybe the problem was me. I was so used to how I saw things, it felt uncomfortable to think there might be another way to see them.

A pack of people whose faces I couldn’t make out were moving toward me. They were laughing and smoking, their beer bottles refracting little pieces of moonlight.

“Hey.”

I recognized Nate’s voice before I saw him.

“Hi,” I said. I began to make out everyone’s faces in the group: Ryan and a few girls I didn’t recognize. They must have been from another school.

“Lima,” Nate said, as if that was a complete sentence. He took a sip of beer that was tucked into a paper bag.

I stalled, unsure what to do or say.

“Talk to me. How are you?” Nate said.

I looked up at him, and he swayed. He was visibly drunk. But somehow drunkenness didn’t seem sloppy and unflattering on him like it did on most people. On Nate, being drunk just seemed to magnify him.

“I’m having, like, the worst week ever,” I said. “My grandmother is dying.”

“Shit,” he said. “I’m so sorry to hear that.”

“Yeah, I feel really bad for my dad,” I said. “’Cause it’s, like, his mom, you know? I’m sorry to be talking about this at a party. I’m such a downer.”

“Nate—you want?” a girl with dyed black hair held a joint out to Nate. A series of small silver hoops ran up the side of her ear, like a metal spring.

“I’m good for now—thanks,” Nate said, waving his hand away. “No, seriously, you were saying. It’s hard. When my dad died, it really sucked.”

“Your dad . . .” My voice trailed off. “I had no idea. I’m so sorry.”

“Yeah, it’s okay,” he said, wincing. “It’s okay now. Well, it’s not okay, but it’s okay. It was a really long time ago.”

Nate’s phone started buzzing, and he pulled it out of his pocket.

“It’s Sophie,” Nate said, holding the phone out to Ryan. “She probably wants directions. Talk to her.”

Sophie. The girl that Hailey and Skyler had said he’d been hooking up with. I felt an inexplicable weight drop in my stomach.

“So, is Sophie, like, your girlfriend?” I asked, trying to sound nonchalant.

Nate looked genuinely surprised. “What? No. Where’d you get that?”

“Hailey said it, or something like it,” I stammered.

He paused. “Truth?”

I nodded.

“We hooked up a couple times when she and her boyfriend broke up. But they’re back together.”

“Are you upset about it?” I asked.

He smiled, as if what I’d said amused him. He flicked my arm with his thumb and forefinger. “Nah. I’m okay.”

“Catch,” Ryan said, hurling the phone back at Nate. It slipped past him and fell into the dark grass.

“Fuck you, man,” Nate laughed. He crouched down in the grass and started looking for his phone. I stood there awkwardly, suddenly wondering if I belonged out here with these people at all.

“I’m going back inside,” I said.

Nate popped up with his phone, stumbled, and then steadied himself. He hovered over me. He was less than a foot away. Bending down to look for his phone had made all the blood rush to his face and his cheeks were pink, a lock of hair hanging down and covering one eye.

“I wasn’t upset about Sophie because I like someone else,” he said.

An unexpected wave of heat moved through me.

“You do?” I whispered. His words quickened my heartbeat, made me feel almost unsteady.

“Nate, give me your phone,” the girl with the black hair said. “I want to show Ryan something.”

“Jesus, what’s wrong with you guys, you just had my phone,” Nate said. “Just keep it.”

“C’mon, Nate, don’t be mad. You know you’re gonna miss the shit out of me when you’re in Hawaii next week,” Ryan said. “You know you love me.”

Everyone was drunk, murky, slippery.

“You love me more, man,” Nate said, and jumped onto Ryan’s back, tackling him to the ground.

I was stunned. What had just happened? Who did Nate like? This stranger with the black hair and the earrings? Why did I have the feeling that when Nate said he liked someone, he had meant me?

Nate and Ryan rolled around on the ground, laughing and kicking. The girl with the black hair and the earrings cackled, an audience of one.

“Lima, is that you?” Hailey’s voice called. I turned and saw her approaching in the dark.

“Yeah,” I said, hating her a little bit for showing up right at that moment.

Hailey stood next to me and linked her arm through mine. Now that I was standing near Nate, I was her best friend again.

“Hey, Nate,” Hailey said, when the boys had stopped play fighting.

“Hey,” Nate said.

I watched him as he stood up, brushing grass off his jeans, and his eyes slid up to meet Hailey’s. The scooped neckline of her dress revealed just the tiniest bit of her lace bra, and her skin glowed in the moonlight. Her eyes were two enormous pools of black. She looked beautiful. I felt a pit of jealousy widening inside me, just seeing the two of them look at each other, and I knew I had to get away.

I pretended I had to pee, ran back to the house and into Skyler’s upstairs bathroom. I closed the door and stared at my own reflection. After seeing Hailey, my hair looked limp and straight, and my whole body looked wan and small, like a dusty twig. I wondered what Nate saw when he looked at me.