First There Was Forever (12 page)

T
he day after Skyler’s party, Hailey left for San Diego to visit her dad. Hailey always had a way of falling off the grid a little when she went to San Diego, so I wasn’t surprised not to hear from her until she got back to LA a week later.

“How was your Christmas?” I asked her over the phone. Outside my window, a thick, drizzling fog wrapped itself around our house. The sky was a dirty sponge resting on top of the gray carpet of ocean.

Hailey was shuffling something around on the other end of the line. “Wait, what did you say? Sorry, Li, I couldn’t hear you ’cause my mom was talking to me.”

“Did you have a good time in San Diego?” I tried again.

“It was fine,” she said. Her words were clipped.

Then I asked her the question I had really been wanting to ask for the past week. “How was the rest of Skyler’s party?”

“Fun,” she replied absently.

“Did anything happen with you and Nate?” I asked. I had never in our whole friendship initiated a conversation with Hailey about Nate. But all week I kept thinking about him and her, wondering what had happened after I had left.

She paused. “Not really. Why?”

I tried to giggle. “I’m just being a good friend.”

“You’re a dork,” Hailey said. And then she added, “I mean, Nate stayed really late and I slept over. But there were lots of people around the whole time. We were never alone together so nothing could happen.”

I thought about how I always felt alone with Nate. Like whenever we spoke, it seemed as if we were separate from everything else, even if we were surrounded by people.

“Did you hear something about Nate?” she asked tentatively.

“Me?” I scoffed. “Like gossip? That’ll be the day.”

Hailey breathed a sigh of relief. “That’s why I love you, Li. You’re so above all this stuff.”

Hailey’s words didn’t help untie the knot in my chest.

“So, what are you going to do for New Year’s?” I asked, changing the topic.

“Sky and I are gonna go over to Bridget Howard’s house and pregame. Then we’re going to some party that Bridget heard of in the valley.”

I didn’t say anything. I waited for her to invite me along, or at least ask what I was planning on doing. When she didn’t, I said, “I don’t think I’m gonna do anything.”

Hailey paused. “Do you want me to ask Bridget if you can come with us?”

I hated Bridget Howard. I had been to her house once before, and it was one of the worst nights of my life. But Meredith was in Italy, Mom and Dad were at the hospital with Nana, and I didn’t want to stay home alone.

“Yeah,” I said. “Would you?”

While I made dinner that night, I kept thinking about scary Bridget Howard. Bridget had always been popular and perky. She had blond hair that was thick and shiny and seemed to move in one solid sheet of yellow when she walked. She played soccer and wore trendy clothes and lip gloss to school for as long as I could remember.

One day, near the end of sixth grade, she came up to me in the car-pool line just after Hailey had been picked up by her mom. “Why do you hang out with her?” she asked me.

“Hailey’s my best friend,” I said defensively.

“She smells weird,” Bridget said. “Why are you so anti-popularity?”

“What do you mean?” I asked.

“You know,” she said, “you guys are always like, ‘Whatever, I don’t care about being popular, I just want to wear hippie skirts and listen to folk music and not do anything.’”

I was surprised to hear myself described like that.

“I mean you’re, like, really pretty,” Bridget said. “You could be, like, really popular.”

I paused. I could?

“Come over on Saturday night,” she told me. “It’s my birthday. A bunch of girls are gonna sleep over, and we’re gonna stay up all night watching movies.”

For the first time in the conversation, she smiled. Even with her retainer in, her teeth were perfect and white. Her smile was shockingly sweet.

“Okay,” I said.

I never should have gone. First of all, I had to explain to Hailey why she wasn’t invited without telling her what Bridget had said about her, which was really hard to do.

Hailey started crying on the phone. “I don’t understand,” she said. “Why are you going without me?”

I felt guilty. But what if Bridget and I were meant to be friends? I had to find out.

At Bridget’s Bel-Air house, everything—even the carpets and the doors and the telephones—looked polished. The wood floors were shiny. The picture frames glistened. There were crystal chandeliers in every room.

Despite how fancy their house was, Bridget and her friends had already trashed the living room. There were candy wrappers and clothing and soda bottles strewn across every surface. Everyone was shrieking and dancing.

“I have such a sugar high!” I remember Bridget screaming as she jumped from one couch to another. The soles of her feet were dark gray with dirt, and she left stains on the couch’s cream-colored leather.

I didn’t know any of the girls very well. Skyler was there. She and Bridget used to be as inseparable as Hailey and me. All the girls were skinny and had long, stringy hair, and they were all wearing tiny cutoff jeans shorts, tank tops, and lots of bracelets.

After we ate pizza and birthday cake and Bridget’s dad and stepmom had gone to sleep, the trouble began.

“Truth or dare!” Bridget shrieked. Bridget was always yelling. It was exhausting.

Skyler went first, and Bridget dared her to get naked and run around the pool.

She did it. We all laughed.

“Your turn,” Bridget said, pointing at me. “Lima: truth or dare?”

“Truth.”

Bridget started thinking, and then she went over to Skyler and whispered something in her ear. Eleven-year-old Skyler was just this tiny little insect of a person with enormous black eyes and long eyelashes. Skyler nodded and laughed approvingly.

“Okay,” Bridget said. “But you have
to answer honestly. That’s the rule.”

I sat up straight.

“Rank all of us from ugliest to prettiest, including yourself,” she declared.

Skyler snorted.

“What?” I made a face. “No. Everybody’s pretty.”

“Oh, grow up,” she said. “Not everyone is created equal. Just do it.”

I looked around the room. Bridget, Skyler, Sara, Jen, Lauren—they all looked sort of the same. Well okay, Jen’s eyes were beady and really close together, and Sara had almost no neck and skin that was blotchy and pale. I hated myself for noticing these things.

“You have ten seconds,” she said.

“I really don’t want to,” I said.

“Don’t be such a goody-goody,” she countered. “It’s my
birthday party.”

“Okay,” I said. “I’m the least pretty—”

“Okay, stop,” Bridget said. “You’re lying already.”

All eyes were on me. They were all waiting.

“I don’t think anybody is ugly,” I said.

“Ugh, this is boring,” Bridget whined. “How about I make it easier for you?” She stood up and pointed a finger at Jen. “Jen is the least pretty.”

Jen’s eyes welled up with tears.

“Don’t freak out,” she said to Jen. “You’re still cute. You’re not, like, ugly. You’re just not as pretty as, like, Skyler.”

Jen looked scared.

“Okay, so Jen, Sara, and Lauren are the bottom three,” she said. “Sorry, guys.”

Jen pushed herself to her feet and ran into the guest bathroom. Sara and Lauren followed, and they slammed the door behind them.

“Now you finish,” Bridget said to me. Her green eyes were full of something awful. “Do me. Do Skyler. Do you.”

“You’re the prettiest, then Skyler, then me,” I said. It seemed like the right answer. I looked at Skyler to see if she was annoyed, but she seemed fine with being second.

“Nice try,” Bridget said. “But you’re still lying.”

“I am?” I asked.

“You’re the prettiest,” she said. “Just admit it.”

“I don’t think so,” I stammered.

Bridget scoffed. “Just say it. Just say you’re the prettiest, and then me and then Sky.”

Skyler laughed. “Hey! I want to be number two!”

Bridget ignored her. “Come on, Lima. Stop being so perfect and sweet. Just say it. You’re the prettiest person here.”

“I’m the prettiest person here,” I said. My voice was tiny.

And then Bridget just burst out laughing and screaming. “Lima said she’s the prettiest person here! I knew it all along! Lima thinks she’s prettier than everyone!”

“You made me,” I said, my throat closing.

“It’s a free country,” she snapped. “Nobody can make you do anything. You said it because you think it’s true.”

H
ailey put on makeup while I sat on the edge of her bathtub and watched.

“Aren’t you gonna at least put on some mascara?” she asked me.

“Nope,” I said.

“Tonight will be more fun if you at least try to get excited,” she said. “It’s New Year’s. You’re supposed to go all out.”

“What does that have to do with mascara?” I asked.

“You just don’t get it,” she groaned, and started carefully applying fake eyelashes. “Of course, I don’t even know why I’m getting all decked out. Nate is out of town.”

“Yeah, I know,” I said.

She snapped a look at me. “How do you
know he’s out of town?”

“I heard something about it at Skyler’s party,” I tried to sound casual.

All day, I had been rehearsing things I might say to ease into telling Hailey what was happening between me and Nate. I imagined saying, nonchalantly: “Nate and I have been talking a lot and we kind of have stuff in common.” Or, “Nate and I have studied together in the library a few times. He’s nice.” Right now was the perfect opportunity but the words stuck in my throat.

“Lima?” Hailey said, interrupting my thoughts.

“Yeah?” I asked.

“Swear to me you’ll never, ever, hook up with Nate,” she said.

My heart sank. I felt like I wanted to throw up.

And then she turned her whole body to face me. “I know it’s weird, but I just love him. I have always loved him. Please.”

“Don’t be silly. You know me; I never hook up with anyone. I’m the biggest prude ever,” I finally said. Hailey let her eyes linger on me for a second, searching my face for something, but I couldn’t tell what.

“Okay,” she said, and turned back to the mirror.

“Well, do you like anybody else? Like for while Nate is out of town?” I wanted desperately to change the subject.

“Max is okay,” she said, dabbing lip gloss onto her lower lip.

• • •

“Hey, girls,” Bridget said when we arrived at her house. After my conversation with Hailey in the bathroom, I felt distracted and distant. Before, I had managed to seem at least sort of glad to have New Year’s plans, but now I couldn’t even fake a smile.

“Oh my God, you look uh-mazing.” Hailey drooled. Bridget had shellacked her hair into a tight ponytail. It looked like it was carved out of wood and varnished. “I love your glitter eye shadow, Bridget.”

“See, Sky!” Bridget screamed over her shoulder. “Hailey likes it!”

“Sky’s already here?” Hailey asked.

“She’s in my room getting ready. C’mon.” Bridget grabbed Hailey’s hand and yanked her up the stairs.

I stayed downstairs and wandered around the glossy foyer of Bridget’s house. There were professional black-and-white photographs of Bridget and her sisters hanging in shiny silver frames on the pink wallpapered walls. I checked my phone nervously, not sure what I was expecting to find. I had no messages or missed calls.

After a few minutes, I went upstairs to join Hailey. There were giggles coming from behind one of the closed rooms. I tried the knob, but the door was locked. That’s weird, I thought. I knocked and the giggles ceased.

“Who is it?” Skyler asked through the door. Laughter erupted.

“It’s me,” I said, confused.

“Hailey’s not in here,” Bridget said. More hysterical laughing and squealing.

My hands felt thick and heavy; I started to back away, unsure what was happening.

The door swung open and Hailey appeared. She was holding a bottle of whiskey in one hand and an unlit cigarette in the other.

“Want some?” Hailey asked, as if nothing weird had happened. Her face was sweaty and red, she already looked drunk.

I stepped tentatively in the room and shook my head no.

Skyler was splayed across Bridget’s bed. “Gimme that,” she whined, and pointed to the bottle.

“I’m already wasted!” Hailey laughed as she stumbled toward the bed and handed the bottle off.

Bridget was trying on a pair of high heels in front of her full-length mirror.

“Why do I have nothing to wear?” she moaned. She kicked off the shoes so they landed in the growing pile of discarded clothing on her floor.

“Just wear the white ones,” Skyler commanded. “You’re gonna make us late.”

“I think the first pair you tried on was the best,” Hailey added.

“What do I do?” Bridget cried exasperatedly. “I hate everything I own.”

Skyler peeled herself off the bed, and wobbled on her stiletto heels over to the closet. She picked up one of the white patent leather sandals by the strap and swung the shoe in front of Bridget’s face. “Just put these on. And then we’re leaving.”

Hailey cackled.

I stood stiff as a board, not laughing, not talking, not smiling. Why had I come here? Why had I thought this would be fun? This was horrible.

“I always wear those, but fine, whatever.” Bridget sighed, sliding the shoes onto her feet. “Let’s just go.”

I followed them into the hallway, lagging a few feet behind.

Skyler and Bridget stumbled down the stairs, giggling and squealing.

“Hailey?” I said. “Can I talk to you for a second?”

Hailey turned to face me in the hall.

“Why did you guys pretend you weren’t in the room before when I knocked?” I asked.

Hailey groaned and rolled her eyes. “What? That? I don’t know. We were just being dumb.”

“I feel strange,” I stuttered, “like you don’t want me here or something.”

“Well, you’re just lurking around being all quiet and weird. What am I supposed to do?” she snapped.

“I am not being quiet and weird,” I said, stung.

“Yeah you are,” she said. “You always are when we’re around Skyler. You expect me to invite you to everything and then when I do, you just follow me around and cling to me and ignore everybody else.”

“That’s not true,” I objected. My voice sounded tiny. I was thrown by the turn this conversation had taken. Wasn’t Hailey supposed to be apologizing to me for making me feel unwelcome?

“Do you know what people say about you behind your back?” Hailey continued. Something hot flared behind her eyes. “They say you have no personality.”

“What?” I breathed, shocked.

Hailey straightened up, gaining momentum. “And I’m sick of defending you. Just ten minutes ago Bridget was saying she feels like you think people should want you around just ’cause you’re pretty. But the truth is, nobody cares how pretty you are if you’re boring.”

My chest contracted, like I’d been hit. Acid tears burned my eyes.

Hailey didn’t say anything for a moment, and I struggled to catch my breath. When I finally managed to speak, all I could say was, “Why are you being like this?” I asked.

“I’m not being like anything,” Hailey said. “This is who I am. And these girls are my friends.”

“You’re not like them,” I said. “You’re different.”

“No, I’m not,” she said. “I’m sick of trying to be the person you want me to be. I feel like myself with Skyler. And even with Bridget. I’m more myself with them than I am with you anymore.”

Hurt welled up inside of me like a dark swamp. “I feel like you’re, like, breaking up with me or something.”

“Get down here, skanks!” Bridget shrieked from the bottom of the stairs. “The taxi is here!”

“Come on,” Hailey said. “Let’s go to the party. Just try and have a good time. It’s New Year’s.”

I wiped tears out of my eyes.

“I want to go home,” I whispered.

“Of course you do,” Hailey seethed. “Just run home to hang out with Mommy like always.”

I was too stunned to respond. I stared at Hailey. Her face was beaded with sweat and flecked with glittery makeup. Lipstick gathered in the cracked corners of her mouth, and the edge of one of her fake eyelashes had lifted away from her lid.

“I’m going,” she said. She swayed and steadied herself on the banister. “Come if you want. Or don’t.”

I stood there, frozen in the hallway until I heard the front door slam and the taxi pull out of Bridget’s driveway. When the house was silent and I was sure I was alone, I crumpled to the floor and sobbed. I wanted to tell Hailey she was wrong about me. I didn’t have
no
personality, I just didn’t have a loud, screeching personality like Bridget or Skyler. I wanted to tell Hailey that those girls were horrible, and they weren’t really her friends at all. Someday they’d stab her in the back just like she was stabbing me in the back now. Suddenly, I wanted to hurt her. To tell Hailey no matter how popular she tried to be, she’d never be anything but the loser she feared she was.