Fix Up (14 page)

“It’s your life, son. I can’t tell you what to do or not, but I can already tell you that if you go to San Francisco, your mother is going to have a hissy fit.’’

I chuckle softly. I can already picture my mother. She’s always been quite the mother hen, but after I went off the deep end, it’s been worse. “Where is she by the way?’’

“She went grocery shopping after work. You missed her by a few minutes.’’ He gazes at the pictures on the walls around the room, ones with our family, others with their friends. I can’t miss the nostalgia on his face, now obviously so much older than four years ago when I graduated from high school. “Don’t take it lightly, Duke. If you choose San Francisco, you and Skye will be over. Make sure that you can say goodbye to her, that you can live without her love and presence.’’

“I did it once.’’

My father leans closer to me and shakes his head. “Juliet was your best friend, a girl you’ve always known, a girl you grew up with. Yes, you loved her, but there wasn’t the passion I can see when you’re with Skye or when you talk about her. You’re a man now, Duke, and I’m sure you’ve realized by now that what you have with Skye can’t be compared to any other relationships you’ve had. Think this over.’’

I grit my teeth and break eye contact. I’ve never really compared what I have with Skye to what I had with Juliet. It’s so vastly different. But I do know without a doubt now that there’s a strong probability that my relationship with Juliet could have ended in college because of the lack of surprise and monotony. We’d always known each other, and sometimes it’s not enough or too much, depending on where you’re putting yourself. One thing is sure, if I had met Skye while still dating Juliet, I would have been intrigued. It would have probably been different because I would have been different too, but still. There’s something in that girl that calls out to me. I can’t even explain it.

But how can we stop the shit going down between us? I already don’t see her the same way …

“Thank you, Dad.’’

“Anytime, Duke.’’ He ruffles my hair again and stands up with me.

“I have to go. I’m supposed to meet Derek for coffee. I’m already late.’’ I say my goodbye, hug my father and walk out of the house, my cell phone in hand ready to call Derek to let him know I’ll be late. I can already hear the judgement in his voice. That guy is starting to be even more of a protector than I am with Skye. He’s so used to playing big brother with his little brother, Vader, that now he feels entitled to take under his wing every messed up human being.

*  *  *

SKYE

"And you'll graduate at the same time as Derek?" I ask Vanessa, Derek's girlfriend. She doesn't know me, so she probably thinks I'm really genuinely intrigued and interested. Derek’s look tells me he doesn't buy it.

The thing is, this Vanessa is a pretty girl with her long auburn hair and shiny light brown eyes. And she seems sweet and brilliant. She's majoring in biology, looks very attached to Derek, but she's not Kate. I can't help it. I have nothing against Vanessa, but she's not my best friend. My best friend is currently out with a guy she doesn't care about at all just because it's hard on her to know that Derek is getting serious enough with this girl to present her to his closest friends. The loyal part of myself can't really open my heart to Vanessa. Truth to be told, I'm not even sure I could open my heart ever again.

And then, there's this other thing. Duke meeting Charles Marshall. I'm trying to forget about it, to not dwell on the fact that Duke is still not here, that he's twenty minutes late, but I can't. I can't just ignore the guilt I feel, the uneasiness I feel when I think about the hurt and disappointment tainting his dark eyes when he dropped me off.

"Yes. It feels crazy to think that we're about to graduate. These last few years passed so fast." She takes a sip of her green tea, and I check my phone for the hundredth time.

"He'll come, Skye," Derek tells me with his soft voice and little smile breaking the worried expression glued to his face that he had as soon as he saw my bloodshot eyes when I walked in the coffee house. Since I began the therapy, I'm always crying.

"I messed up." I shake my head and smile at Vanessa, annoyed to show how fucked up I am in front of someone I never met before today, but she doesn't say a word. She looks left out, but it's not like I'm going to let her know everything about my private life.

"I know."

I look back at Derek who is frowning down at me. "He called you?"

He nods and takes one of my hands. In the corner of my eyes, I can see Vanessa tensing. It's not like there's something behind this gesture. Derek is like a brother somehow, a long lost one, but always very caring. Since what happened to me, we bonded in a way I hope that'll never break.

"Why didn't you tell us, Skye?"

"I don't really know." I sigh and pull away from his comforting hand. I don't deserve his compassion, not when I hurt his best friend, the guy I love. "At first I thought it wasn't important, and when I was thinking about telling Duke, he told me he was jealous to know that I was confiding in someone else. I was afraid and confused and ..."

"And you made a mistake."

"What happened?" Vanessa asks, leaning toward me, curiosity illuminating her face without any trace of makeup.

"Just something between Skye and Duke. Their relationship is complicated," he answers for me, bringing his arm around Vanessa's shoulders.

"You two broke up?"

Just at the thought my heart squeezes in my chest, so painfully that tears threatened to fall. I shake my head, unable to open my mouth, afraid to let a sob escape.

I look past their head as the door opens revealing him. He looks ready to yell at the first person who will annoy him one way or another. He catches his backpack before it falls from his left shoulder. He's frowning, his mouth is in a straight line and his shoulders look tense under his tee shirt. His eyes lock on mine, but he looks away at his best friend instead. He can't even look at me now. I cross my arms over my chest and shiver.

"You must be Vanessa. Nice to meet you," he says politely, shaking her hand and taking the seat beside me. He bumps my shoulder softly, but he doesn’t apologize.

"Nice to meet you too, Duke. Derek told me how your friendship goes way back. It’s great to keep high school friendships." I observe her behavior in front of my boyfriend, not liking what I see. She's not making a pass at him or anything like that, but her eyes are moving slowly over his tattooed arms. I know this sparkle in her gaze. The same one many girls have when they look at Duke. She likes what she sees in him, and even if I do believe she deeply cares about Derek and wouldn't go with someone else while she's with him, I'm pretty sure she'd try her luck with Duke if she was single.

Tuning everything out, I look at Duke out of the corner of my eye, but I can't make small talk. I'm not good with small talk, and while I first intended on making some effort, now all I feel is pain, doubts, and fear.

Suddenly, the three of them stand up. With a start, I follow them outside and grab Duke's hand as he's about to walk away following Derek and Vanessa as they walk toward the parking lot.

"What?"

The venom in his voice startles me. I release my grip on him and take a step back, my eyes blurry with unshed tears. I’ve never felt so awful before. I thought that I felt ashamed when Sean beat me, but it wasn't like how I feel now. This time around I'm the only one responsible for this. I'm the one at fault, although I don't know how to make it better. It's not about me acting like an idiot because I didn't know how to deal with it; it's about me knowingly hiding something about someone obviously feeling way more than he should.

"I don't care about him. I swear."

He tugs on his hair and sighs, looking at the bright blue sky above us. "You're sabotaging us, and I don't know why. First, it was Sean, and now it's that Dr. Marshall. What will it be next? If you're not sure about us, say it instead of lying."

His dark intense eyes are seeking something which makes it difficult for me to hold his gaze. His words are hard because it echoes with everything in the dark inside of me, the things I don't understand about me.

"I love you." I cross my arms around me tightly and look at the people around us walking, laughing, talking, but not caring about the new drama twist in my little insignificant life.

"I know, and I love you too. It's not about that." He adjusts his backpack on his left shoulder and shrugs. "It's about where we're going, Skye. I already have two job offers. One here in Seattle and another one in San Francisco. Before all of this I didn't even want to tell you about the one in San Francisco because everything was clear in my head, but now I'm not so sure."

"But ... but you still have to graduate," I stutter, my world crashing around me, on me.

"It's with a company I did an internship at last summer."

I open my mouth, but nothing comes out. It's like I've been robbed of all my words, leaving me devoid of anything and everything. I uncross my arms and close my fists. My nails are biting my skin viciously, but I don't care.

"Just because I didn't tell you that Dr. Marshall is young, you're considering going to San Francisco. Just because I disappointed you! Just because I'm not irreproachable! Do you realize how ..." I take a deep breath and look down at the asphalt. "Never mind."

"What? You think it's easy for me to see that my girlfriend, the girl I love, lied to me and is repeatedly sabotaging us? I'm human, Skye, and I'm not sure I'll be able to fight on in the long run, not when it's against you."

"Does that mean that you're breaking up with me?" My voice is shaking so badly that I barely recognize myself.

He shakes his head, and it's his turn to look down at the ground. "I'm saying that we both need a break to let you decide what you want. I need this break to deal with this last strike, and after that we'll make a decision together."

"Just so you know, I'd never choose to see you move to San Francisco, Duke."

"And I'll never choose a relationship in which we're both suffering despite our feelings. We’ve suffered enough in our life as it is."

I gasp and turn around, walking away with tears falling down my face. I can't look at him anymore; I can't hear him talking like this. I need to be alone, away from him. I hear him calling me, his voice pleading, but I don't turn around. And I run toward my dorms as my lungs are burning me from the inside, making the psychological pain physical too. The worst, it's not even a nightmare. My life has been worse than my nightmares since Sean walked into my life, and even now that he's almost out of it, it's not better.

***

DUKE

“Skye!’’ She doesn’t turn around. I kick at the closest thing, a car’s wheel. “Fuck!’’ I ignore the stares of the students around. All I can see is Skye’s thin body stiffly running away and toward the dorms.

My breathing is ragged when I realize what I’ve done. I asked for a break between us, exactly what I didn’t want to do. But as soon as I walked in the coffee house and saw her, all I could see was a fucking red blinking neon light over her head saying “BETRAYAL.’’ So yeah, a break seemed a good idea at first, but now that we’re taking a break … all I want to do is hug her and breathe her soft and sweet smell in, feel her small body against mine while she’s talking to me with her sensual voice screaming sex.

I tug on my hair and look around, not even sure where I parked my car. I’m fucking lost in every way possible. Then, maybe a break isn’t such a bad idea. I don’t know. Shit.

I’m fucking lost.

*  *  *

SKYE

"San Francisco? He's considering leaving hours away from here?" Kate asks me in disbelief, her blue eyes looking at me with sadness as I'm hugging myself in one of my old oversized sweatshirts.

I should be sweating since it’s so hot today, but I feel cold from the inside, like everything in my body is freezing and even the long sleeves can't warm me anymore.

"Yes, San Francisco. I'm about to lose the man I love because I'm always screwing things up instead of acting like an adult," I reply absentmindedly.

I can't really explain how I feel. It's like all this pain is numbing me, leaving just a shell. My brain is replaying again and again what he told me outside the coffee house a couple of hours ago, but I can't really show any emotions anymore. Everything is bottled up inside of me, freezing my heart, hunting down the butterflies in my stomach. Yeah, I feel numb by the pain.

Kate grabs my arms tight against me and shakes me twice. "Wake up, Skye! It's not the moment to close yourself off. It's not going to do any good to your relationship. You screwed up, we all know it, but you can do something before you lose Duke."

I free myself from her soft hands and stand up, walking to our little window and looking outside. When I feel so low, I always expect it to rain outside but it's not. The sun is bright, people are laughing in the halls outside our room and life is not stopping because little old me is sad and thinking that I have nothing to fight for anymore. I should think about my friends and my parents, not just about my boyfriend, but it was for him that I started to fight in the first place. It's thanks to him that I'm still breathing today and yet ... yet, I'm about to lose the only person who showed me how life can be amazing with the right person.