Fix Up (18 page)

I don't walk to my dorm immediately. Instead, I'm walking on the campus in the night, not caring one bit if some perv can pounce on me while I'm unarmed. I don't even see where I'm going, who I'm crossing the path of. I just walk, feeling empty all over again.

His angry words dug a deep whole in my heart, taking back the love he once gave me without expecting anything of me.

***

DUKE

Glancing at Derek’s sleeping form on the floor next to my bed and at Grayson on his bed, my mouth feels awful. I’ve got a motherfucker of a hangover, but it’s nothing compared to that never ending pain in my chest. Even when I was beyond plastered, it didn’t ease up. Alcohol isn’t helping, and I truly thought it would give me a little peace, that it would numb everything. But no, it didn’t.

I look back to the ceiling and let the dizziness play with my nerves, making my stomach roll some more. I know if I move too much I’m going to puke again, so I stay put.

There are no tears in my eyes anymore and no sobs wracking me from the inside. Somehow, the pain and emptiness are worse.

But she came. I vaguely remember her being here earlier. She came when she heard how out of my mind I was. It must mean something.

I silently snort. As if it’d change anything. She came because we both know that even though she’s breaking up with me, she’s still as much in love with me as she was before. That’s even more tragic.

I shouldn’t have asked for a break. I shouldn’t have reacted so strongly when I discovered her lie. I shouldn’t have pushed her away. I handled everything wrong and now …

Fuck everything. Fuck my heart, fuck my tears and fuck my life. All that shit about feelings, love and happiness isn’t for me. I shouldn’t have let her into my heart if it’s to end like this.

This heart break is worse than dying because at least when you’re dead it’s over. Right now, I feel dead, but I’m very much alive, feeling all this fucking pain eating at me.

*  *  *

SKYE

In the middle of the night, I wake up with a start, breathing loudly in our tiny dorm room only lit by the moon outside. I bring both hands to my throat and brush away my hair tickling me viciously, accentuating the feeling of a ghostly touch. I close my mouth shut and grit my teeth, afraid to whimper with the fear of my nightmare still freezing me on the spot in my twin bed.

Once again I dreamed about what happened with Sean, but this time it went on and on. Duke never came to my rescue. He never helped me, never saved me, and I had a nightmare about what would have happened without him. I can still hear Sean's words, the ones he could have told me if the situation had been different.

"You're alone. Even your tattooed dude can do nothing. You're alone because you deserve nobody and nothing, but this. Nobody loves you."

I dart my eyes to Kate's bed where she's snoring lightly with her head pressed to her pillow, and I try to match my breathing to hers, so deep and calm. It's like my lungs are burning me from the inside, making the breathing process all the more unbearable. I try to swallow the lump in my throat, but my mouth is dry. My mouth is parched, my tongue weighing behind my teeth which are biting my lower lip harder and harder as I feel an intense panic growing from my belly.

I bring my right hand to my hair and tug, trying to relieve this pressure inside of me, this helpless feeling; nothing is working. It's worse than the night before when I went back to the dorms after my last confrontation with Duke. I had the same kind of nightmare, but I succeeded in calming down. This time I can't.

The more seconds that are ticking by, the more I have the feeling of not just hyperventilating but suffocating. My breathing gets louder, whistling high pitched in the dark, and Kate stirs.

"Skye?"

I can't even mutter a word. Nothing is coming out of my mouth besides this weird sound, the same kind someone with an asthma attack makes. She stands up and runs to my side, brushing my sticking hair away from my forehead before she turns on my lamp. She's very pale, and her eyes are shining with unshed tears. Her fear for me is not easing my panic attack.

"Calm down. It's going to be all right," she says, trying to use her most soothing voice without any effect. I can barely hear her words through the buzz in my ears.

I shake my head and sit up. I bring my legs to my chest and put my forehead against my knees. I have to calm down. I have to calm down and just think about nothing.

"Do you want me to call Duke?"

I look up at her and shake my head again. Of course I want him because he's the only one able to soothe me when I'm having a panic attack, but it's not an option anymore. He needs space, and he told me that he doesn't want to see me again.

"Derek then?"

I purse my lips and nod softly, my breathing still hard, fast and loud. Dark dots are invading my vision. I don't know how much longer I'll be able to stay conscious if my breathing doesn’t return to normal soon.

I push away my sheets, but I keep my legs against my torso with my arms embracing them tightly, my short nails clawing at my bare thighs. Kate stands up, walks back to her bedside table, grabs her phone and dials Derek's number, her eyes going back and forth from me and to her cell.

"I know it's late, but Skye is having a really bad panic attack." She turns around for a few seconds, listening to what Derek is telling her, and my panic increases even more. My heart beats so fast and loud that it's painful in my chest. "I don't know, but can't you come? I don't know what to do, and she's barely breathing." She nods like he can see her and hangs up without saying another word.

She throws her cell on her bed and comes back to me, a forced smile on her lush lips. I try to say something, ask her if Derek is coming, but no words are passing through the wall of my gritted teeth.

Kate brushes my hair softly, repeatedly like my mother would do if she was here. It should calm me, even just a little bit, but it's not. All I can think about now is how my parents would be horrified to see me losing it like this. They'd be afraid, and I don't want that. I don't ever want to see the frightened expression on their face again.

I'm shaking badly now, my strength deserting me. I can't even claw at my thighs anymore and the shaking is worse. A knock at the door makes me whimper pitifully. Kate stands up abruptly, her feet tangling in my sheets on the ground. She catches herself on my desk before she runs to our door. As soon as the door is open, I freeze and don't breathe. I don't breathe at all.

Derek is there, his eyes immediately on me and beside him is Duke. He pushes aside both our friends, his dark eyes intense on me, worried. Rings under them give away how much he's not sleeping well either. He's not shaved, and his goatee is less pronounced now that his cheeks are not perfectly smooth.

He walks fast to my bed as I recoil against the wall, my breathing coming back, louder even. He sits on my bed, his eyes on me and his hands in his lap. I glance back at Derek and Kate, silent side by side as they're looking at Duke and me with an uncertainty I share.

"Did you have a nightmare?" Duke asks me softly, his deep voice just above a whisper.

I close my eyes at this sound. Why is he so sweet with me? Why isn't he angry like he was the other day? Why does he have to be so ... amazing? Why? Why am I that screwed up all the time? Damn it!

I nod and force my jaw to unclench, not much, but just enough to ease the ache in my teeth and in the muscles of my jaw.

"Try to take a deep breath, and it'll be all right." Hesitantly, he puts a hand over my bare knees. The heat in his palm warms my whole body, making my bones feel like lava. I shiver this time, but I'm not shaking. Only with his one touch.

"Wh ... Why are y ... you here?" I stutter in a whisper so low I'm not even sure Kate and Derek hear me.

"I can't bear it when I know you're suffering like this. I must be masochistic," he replies with a frown, shadows in his eyes taking the place of the worry I saw moments ago. But he keeps his hand on me, and I selfishly don't push him away. "But don't worry. I'm not going to beg you to take me back."

And my heart breaks a little more. I'm the epitome of contradictions because I think a tiny part of me wanted to see him beg me or ask me to take him back. Maybe it's because I always need reassurance, reassurance that my feelings are not one-sided in their intensity. In the end, it shows how conflicted I am and how much I'm not ready for a commitment like he deserves.

And suddenly Dr. Marshall's words ring in my head. I have to see Sean for closure. I need closure, not to live happily ever after with the man I love so deeply, but because I can't just wait and see. It's difficult and will hurt. To get better, you have to touch rock bottom first. That's what you often hear people say about depression.

My breathing is almost back to normal, my muscles are slowly relaxing and I lean against the wall on the side of my bed. Duke's hand is still on me, but not for much longer now. I imprint in my head the feel of his big hand slightly calloused on my soft and sensitive skin, the way his long fingers round my knee and squeeze the underside of my right thigh.

"Thank you for coming." I take a deep breath and brace myself. "I'm better now, and I know what I need."

Kate walks toward us, followed by Derek. "What do you mean?" she asks with a tiny voice.

I glance back at Duke who's looking intently at me. He's stiff, his hand weighing heavier on my leg. He knows me well enough to guess that what I'm about to tell them won't be pleasant.

"I'm going to see Sean at the prison."

Kate steps away into Derek, who hugs her sideways without even thinking, both of them stunned. Duke's hand claws at me for a second before he pulls away. He grits his teeth and tugs on a handful of his hair.

"Let me guess, it's your psychologist who put that idea in your head." He leans toward me, his eyes burning me on my spot. "Your Dr. Marshall," he spits out the name, disgust clear on his face, hiding the lingering pain.

"He told me I needed closure, and it's true. You know better than me that it's important for victims to go and see their aggressor," I reply evenly, knowing perfectly well that he studied this in his psychology classes.

He shakes his head and stands up. "I don't even know why I'm asking. Do whatever you want after all. It's none of my business anymore." His voice is cold, so cold that I have to grab back my sheets and cover myself.

He turns around and without a goodbye leaves the room. Derek walks quickly to me, kisses me on my forehead and follows his best friend. Kate crosses her arms on her chest and sits next to me on my bed.

"Are you sure you want to do this?"

I nod, but don't say a word. I don't know if I prefer Duke's anger toward me or his coldness, but both are digging a hole in my chest, a hole so deep that it feels bottomless.

"I'll call my parents tomorrow. They're asking to come back here. I didn't want them to see me adjusting, but I think I'll need them afterward."

"I think it's the first good decision you’ve made in a while."

I don't reply. It's useless. I already know she doesn't understand why I broke up with Duke, even if she was the first one saying that we were hurting each other. Deep inside of her, there's a little girl hoping for some romanticism, and she wanted Duke and me to embody that. Tough luck, unfortunately.

She links her left arm through my right one under the cover and puts her head on my shoulder. Once again, I don't know what I'd do without her, the best friend I never thought I'd ever have in my crappy life.

***

DUKE

“Duke, wait a second,’’ Derek calls me back, running to catch up with me as I’m already walking down the stairs.

“She’s going to see
him
!’’ I seethe and shake my head. “She breaks up with me, and now she proudly announces that she’s going to visit that asshole, as if it’s the most natural thing.’’

“Hey.’’ He grabs my shoulder and forces me to stop in the middle of the last flight of stairs. “Maybe she needs some answers. Cut her some slack.’’

I glare at him. I feel like punching everything and anything again. “You want me to cut her some slack when she broke my heart and is now ready to run to her ex?’’

He leans against the wall and rubs at his neck. “She’s not running to him, and you know it. Stop being a jerk. You saw her just now. Do you really think she looked like a happy girl? Fuck, Duke, she had a panic attack!’’

I swallow and nod, my shoulders slouching. My anger deserts me immediately, and that pain that is starting to look like my best friend these days comes back. If I listen to myself, I’d run back up to Skye’s floor and hug her, cuddle with her in her tiny bed. I’d also try my fucking best to convince her to stay away from Sean just because I know seeing him again is going to be hard on her. And I won’t be there to pick her up or make her smile and forget.

I won’t be there.