Fix Up (22 page)

He shakes his head and points at my face. “No, you’re weak, Skye. That’s why you’re here.” He smirks at me, but for once I don’t see a spark in his eyes. I want to know what’s in his head, but I’ll never have access. I don’t think it’s worth it anymore. “You’re weak, and you’re still hung up on me. You think I’m a fuck up, but look at you, Skye. You’re mine, no matter what you think or what you make others believe.’’

"Believe whatever you want, Sean. I’ll never be yours again, and soon you will have nobody, not even your mother. You’re too far up your own power trip that you can’t even let yourself feel anything other than hate and anger. That need of domination must come from your father, but you’re not the only one who had such an upbringing, so that doesn’t excuse anything. And for once I’m truly seeing it, not just trying to convince myself of it. You should use the next few years here to think hard about this, and you’ll see that the picture is not looking good for you at all.” I sigh, and without bothering to say goodbye, I put down the phone, get up from the chair and turn around. I don't stop when I hear him punch the glass wall or listen to his screams as the guards lead him out. For the first time, the first real time, I didn't play his mind games. I left. I'm the one walking away, and even if I'm proud of myself, my heart weighs a thousand pounds more in my chest. I take my phone and handbag with unsteady hands and walk out into the parking lot, my knees trembling. My shoulders feel heavier with an invisible weight when I thought it would have vanished by now. Somehow I idealized this moment, thinking that visiting Sean would give me all the answers I’m seeking, as if he would have given me some peace of mind. Sean, giving me anything other than pain? I guess I needed another reality check to truly put him behind me now. He’s really out of the complex equation that is my life.

I look up and let my tears fall as Duke walks toward me, his arms open for me. I don't think twice about it; I just let him embrace me, support me. I can’t believe he’s here. I close my eyes and let his warmth, his comfort seep into me, fighting off the cold that took me over while with Sean.

"You can always count on me, Skye," he says in my left ear, his lips brushing my sensitive skin. He wraps his arms tighter around me, and I feel like I’m home.

"I should have asked my parents to come. You shouldn’t be here, you know.” My voice is muffled in his neck, but I feel goosebumps on his skin as my lips trace the words on his skin.

‘’I couldn’t stay away, not when you’re doing this. Am I not enough?” His gruff voice and the hurt in it makes my tears fall faster.

He's not only talking about right now, I realize. I claw at his white tee-shirt and inhale him, the same mix of smoke, shampoo and the smell that is just Duke. Of course he's enough. He's too much at times.

"I'd never want anyone else to do this." I pull away and smile at him as he dries my face with his big hands, so soft on my skin, careful and loving. "Let's go, then. We have class, and I don’t want to spend another minute close to him. It’s over now.”

His eyebrows shoot up, but he nods. "Do you think you can drive?"

I take a deep cleansing breath, letting the tension flow out of my body as my eyes rake over his face, locking eyes with Duke. I want to say more, wrap my arms around him and kiss him. But it’s impossible. I ignore the sting in my eyes, the very threat announcing new tears, and nod. “Yes. I'm ... I think I'm better now."

He smiles sadly and turns around, walking back to his car parked next to Kate's. He's mad at me, sad, heartbroken, and yet he's there when I need him. I don't need to ask him. Unlocking the car, I climb inside while Duke waits for me to put the car in drive, always keeping his sad eyes on me, always making sure that I’m not crumbling, even after I broke his heart.

***

DUKE

I follow Skye driving on Seattle’s streets in Kate’s car. I’m driving mindlessly, only thinking about Skye’s haunted eyes when she walked out of the building a few minutes ago and the way her tears fell quietly down her beautiful face, glazing her bright eyes.

When she went willingly in my arms, I about died then and there and went straight to Heaven. But before I could even start to feel her body pressed against mine, she broke the contact, and I went back to Hell.

I’m here for her, she knows it, but we’re not together. It’s torture. I crave answers to my questions: How did it go in that building? What did that crazy asshole tell her? But I don’t feel entitled to ask anything anymore.

I’m just here, giving her my shoulder to cry on, my arms to comfort her and my heart to love her. Always. I’m a sucker for pain, no matter the source, no matter the why or what. Pain is the thing I know best. Love is that thing I’m not good at, but feel with everything that I’m made of.

At least for once I was there for her. I didn’t fail her. She wasn’t alone.

*  *  *

SKYE

Dr. Marshall’s eyes travel to the wooden top of his desk to his pad and pen in front of him, but never to me for more than a couple of seconds. I don't know what to make of his flushed face, his hurt eyes like I killed his dog and the fact that neither of us muttered a word in the last ten minutes since I walked in this office.

But I need to talk. I need to alleviate a little of all this tension inside of me, slowly tearing me apart. I left the psychology class as soon as Dr. Dills dismissed us, not taking a chance to talk with Duke, who watched me leaving with a pained expression on his face. At this rate, I won't remember how dazzling his smile is by next month. I need to understand what went down with Sean with someone there to order my thoughts. I don’t want to let everything fester and risk being a crying mess for the next year or so.

"One thing," I say suddenly, my voice breaking the weird silence between us. Dr. Marshall looks at me, his eyebrows high on his forehead as I see clearly that he's fearing my next words. It's quite strange for me to be able to read him now when I remember thinking of him as a mysterious piece. I guess it was because he guarded his emotions, while now there's no need to. "Do you think you can work with me now, or do you think it'd be best for the both of us to part ways?"

Even if Charles Marshall is one of the reasons why Duke and I didn't last all that long, and that I feel a connection I still can't place, I like talking with him. His empathy is sincere when I tell him something, and I need to feel it to open up.

"That depends." He brushes away wrinkles on his chocolate brown dress shirt, his thin and long fingers moving nervously. "Do you still trust me?"

Our eyes lock, and I nod without looking away. I want him to see it in my eyes, in the stubbornness sharpening my face. As always when his clear blue eyes meet mine, the clearest ones I've ever seen, I feel a little tug at my heart, but it's tame. Maybe tamer than it was these past few weeks.

"I trust you more than I trust myself most of the time."

He nods and looks away, but not before I catch the regret he's feeling and trying to hide from me. And here and there, right now, I'm like all the shallow girls I’ve never liked. I enjoy knowing he's really feeling something for me, even if I can't and don't want to act on it and explore this thing. In other circumstances I think we could have been friends, but nothing more. Never more.

"So how have things been these last few days?" he asks me, his professional tone putting a little wall between us, thin enough to break down if needed.

I chuckle without humor. Between my break up with Duke, him drunk and pushing me away, my parents here, my visit to Sean, and then Duke there to catch me as I stumbled ... It's been a hell of a few days.

"I broke up with Duke. It's ... hard." I glance at my hands on my thighs. I'm not clawing at the denim or fisting them. I'm too tired to have an ounce of fight inside of me right now, and I'm not sure if it's a good thing or not.

"How ..." He clears his throat with uneasiness. "How are things now?"

I shrug. I do this more and more, but it reflects well how I'm lost most of the time even with simple questions. "Hard. Painful." I think about when Duke was drunk in his room. It's so much more than just painful and hard to see him like this, to see a real glimpse into his self-destructive side I’d only heard about but never had to deal with. I know he's stronger now. it was just a nasty come back for just one night, but it's tattooed in my soul. One more scar there, but one I brought on myself this time around. "But he's still there even without me asking for his help."

"How's that?" He scribbles something on a blank page, and I feel the tension radiating from him.

I hesitate just a minute, more unsure about Dr. Marshall than what I have to disclose about Sean. I'm sure he never thought I'd go see Sean so soon, not before he had to talk me into it during another appointment.

"I had a bad dream. Kate called Derek, but he was with Duke so they both came. Duke calmed me down, but at that point I realized that you're right. I needed to see Sean a last time for closure. I told them, and Duke left angry." I take a deep breath and tell him about my parents here in Seattle. From the light in Dr. Marshall’s eyes, I think he's proud of me calling for help, calling my parents instead of keeping them in the dark like I often do. "I saw Sean this morning."

He stops writing mid-sentence, looks up at me, his mouth open inelegantly, something I'm not used to seeing. "You saw him?" His eyes roam over my face, as if he's looking for something different, but there's nothing different. It's not visible at least.

"I went alone and it went ..." I cut myself off before finishing my sentence. I cock my head on one side. "I don't even know how it went to tell you the truth." I picture Sean's angry face in my mind and his outburst when I left, turning my back on him for the first time ever. "It was bad by anyone’s standards, but good enough for me.’’

"How did you feel facing him?"

"I felt very little, but very exposed." I run both hands on my arms as new chills go through my body. “I was quite disconnected at first." I glance at the clock and relax when I see that I still have half an hour to talk. "He was trying to make a point of how he never loved me but just wanted to possess me like an object. It hurt and still does." I dry my cheeks from tears falling as I feel like Sean is twisting the knife inside me even from afar. "But I walked away, and it drove him mad. I stayed just ten minutes, and being the one ending the conversation and walking away felt good, even if he trashed everything on my way out, calling me names."

"You shouldn't have gone alone." He shakes his head, frowning as his eyes follow the path my tears are taking down my cheeks and my neck.

"Duke was waiting for me in the parking lot. He was there when I cried, and it immediately calmed me, like always when he's around."

Dr. Marshall puts down his pen and brings a hand to his eyes a second. He takes a deep breath before he entwines his fingers in front of him, almost like in a prayer. "Believe me, I hate to tell you this, and you know why but ... do you think it's a good idea to break up with Duke?"

"What do you mean?"

"You tell me that he's the only one able to calm you, to make you feel better and you obviously love him. So do you really think it's a good thing to drive away the person that brings some happiness into your life? Don't you think you're making a mistake?"

"You told me I should maybe think that Duke is not the right man for me!"

"Yes, because you were always crying because of your fights with him. Because even if you love someone at eighteen, it doesn't mean he'll be the one you'll marry and have kids with, no matter how you love that person in the present." He screws up the page he wrote on earlier. "I'm going to tell you the harsh truth, Skye." I brace myself, my hands tight on the seat of my chair. "You think you deserve nobody because you're tainted by Sean. You think you can't be really happy, and that your pain will bring down people you love with you. So what do you do? You push away Duke, the man you love and who loves you in return and is ready to do anything for you. I saw him. He's definitely someone tormented by his own demons, but he's strong enough to fight his and yours. But you don't think you have a shot at happiness, not for a lengthy time at least, so you're punishing yourself while you believe you're doing what is best for the others. Next in line will be Derek and then Kate and lastly your parents. Because you're not truly happy, you're building your life around your pain. When there is be nobody else in your life, you'll destroy yourself, the last remnant of life inside of you." He leans over his desk, his face as close to mine as possible with the desk between us as his eyes focus on me. I'm not breathing, but the tears are falling hard and silently. "But you know what? You should take some risk with your family and friends and with Duke. Think about it that way. If it doesn't work out, then you'll be in pain, but if it does work out, you'll have a real life made of black, white and grey with splotches of vibrant colors. Take a damn risk and live. Take in stride this second chance you've been offered because not many people are granted even one, and do it for you and nobody else."

"But I can't," I whisper, my lips shaking and deforming the words. I stop trying to dry my face as the tears continue. My skin is itching, my eyes are burning, but I don't really worry about how I look. "There's something inside of me too broken to know how to be happy."