Flare (34 page)

“But what if she did?” Hugo threw out there, just in case.

“Maybe I can change her mind.” Brooke looked back and forth at Kevin and Hugo.

“Maybe.”

S
OON
, B
ROOKE
’
S
article was published in the small college paper and a copy was sent over. Hugo stood over Brooke at the kitchen table, Kevin beside him as they all hovered trying to read at the same time. This was the first time he and Kevin had seen it. The title of the article was in big bold letters—“My Shoes Fit Me”—with Brooke’s name below.

I don’t live in a normal family, at least not normal in the same way as my friends at school do. But it’s normal to me.

I’m twelve years old and my mom died of brain cancer last year. Who I live with now is my dad and his fiancé, and soon he is going to be my other dad, my Papa. His name is Hugo.

I think it’s pretty cool that Hugo is going to adopt my brother and me. He’s a really good cook and he has the cutest dog named Lulu. He helps me with my homework and takes me to family yoga classes. Sometimes he even checks out the same book as me and we read it at the same time. Then we talk about it at night before I fall asleep.

Hugo makes my dad happy, even when we’re all sad about my mom dying and missing her. She loved Hugo too. They were really good friends and she knew my dad loved Hugo.

I have kids at my school who don’t understand my life. My dad told me that they don’t know what it’s like to walk in my shoes. Sometimes they tease me and tell me things that hurt my feelings. Hugo gets his feelings hurt too. We go to stores sometimes and we hear people in the next aisle talking about him, saying bad things about him. That makes me sad.

No one really knows what my life is like with my dad and Hugo. My brother and I are happy when we are at home or doing something fun like ice-skating or ice-fishing. But it’s hard to hear bad things from people who talk about us when they don’t think we can hear them. I don’t like it.

I have different shoes than they do, but I like my shoes.

Hugo found he was squeezing Brooke’s shoulders as he finished reading. He had to stop a few times to blink away tears, but mostly he was smiling with pride. In less than five hundred words, she had made a powerful statement: I feel loved by my fathers, but not accepted by society.

“That’s beautiful,” he managed to get out before his voice got too choked up. Kevin pulled him into his side and took over, saying all the things Hugo couldn’t quite manage to get out right then.

CHAPTER TWENTY-EIGHT

Strength in Unexpected Places

H
UGO
WAS
invited along to Summer’s first OB appointment, but when the nurse called her name to go back and Russell and Hugo rose with her, there was some confusion and the nurse said only the father could come back for that first appointment.

“He’s coming back because he’s my husband,” Summer said, pointing at Russell, and then she nodded toward Hugo. “And he’s coming back because without him, this baby wouldn’t be. Okay?” The nurse had the decency to open the door and lead them all back to an exam room and also to apologize profusely for her faux pas with assurances that nothing like that would ever happen again in their office.

Most of the appointment consisted of getting medical history. The doctor had apparently heard from the nurse that they had a unique situation, so he asked several questions to clarify how the pregnancy came to be. Summer treated it the same way she’d explain how she got a cut on her arm, and Hugo couldn’t help the smile that grew on his face at how bold his best friend was.

“On your first try? I’m impressed,” the doctor said. “I’ve heard a lot of these stories, but I’m always still very impressed. Congratulations.”

For the rest of the appointment, Hugo found he was answering even more questions about his past. Having done all that paperwork for Brooke and Finn’s adoption came in handy. Not only had Hugo had several conversations with his mom that led to a newfound realization that his family was generally healthy and long-lived, aside from his father, he now was able to give Summer’s doctor a very thorough picture of his medical history.

He’d been excited to see an ultrasound image of the baby, so when the doctor started writing out prescriptions for prenatal vitamins and ordering lab tests, Hugo was disappointed. “Next month,” the doctor reassured. “But don’t get your hopes up. It’s going to look like a bean, not a baby. Oh, the due date. I almost forgot. October 31. Happy Halloween.”

As he drove home, Hugo shook his head, wondering how in the world this ever became his life. How did it become so child-centric? He used to tease his sister for only talking about her daughters, and when Kevin had talked about how Erin lost herself in Brooke and Finn, he’d wondered how that could ever happen. Yet here he was, completely and utterly lost in his kids.

“I can’t forget who I am in this process,” Hugo told Kevin in bed that night. “I don’t want to end up driving a minivan and wearing practical khakis just because they’re on sale for twenty bucks a pair and then heading over to the Juniors department and dropping three hundred bucks on Brooke and another three hundred on Finn in Boys. I don’t want to be that.”

“You won’t be,” Kevin assured him. “You won’t, because you’re already recognizing it.”

“It’s not that it’s bad to love your kids. That’s not what I’m saying.”

“I know. I know what you’re getting at,” Kevin said with a nod. “You don’t want to forget who you are, right?”

“Exactly!” Hugo sat up against his pillows.

“So, who are you?” Kevin asked in all seriousness as he turned on his side and propped himself up on an elbow. The way the muscles stretched and bunched from one side of his chest to the other was a bit distracting.

“Besides horny?” Hugo joked, but allowed himself a moment to run his fingers across Kevin’s chest and then up his neck where he palmed the five o’clock shadow he loved so much. “You’d think I’d know after filling out all those papers and talking about myself for what feels like hours. You’d think an answer would be right on the tip of my tongue.”

“Not necessarily.”

Hugo was confused by Kevin’s response and apparently his face showed it.

Kevin clarified. “Those questions were looking back and only in one direction. They didn’t ask you about your favorite pastime, how you find fulfillment, or how you enjoy sex.”

“Thank God!” Hugo couldn’t help but laugh, thinking about if that last question would’ve passed the home-study lady’s mouth.

“I think you’re missing my point,” Kevin tried again. He was so serious. “I’ve had thirteen years to figure out how to balance this, because the second Erin found out she was pregnant, I started forming this image of myself as a dad. Thirteen years. How long have you had?”

Hugo counted back, trying to figure it out. “Less than two years. Twenty-… one months if I consider the first weekend I met the kids.”

“But not really,” Kevin challenged. He leaned forward, getting more intense. “You didn’t see yourself as a father figure at all in the beginning. You were my boyfriend who liked hanging out with my kids. That’s different.”

“Okay, so… maybe a year?”

Kevin nodded. “I’ll give you that, but when you actually started filling out adoption paperwork and talking to Mark about all of this, things changed. I’d argue that everything became much more
real
then, like when Erin got pregnant, especially once I felt that baby kick my hand for the first time. I wonder if all this just became real to you in the last couple of months.”

Hugo squinted, thinking back to when he really thought there was a change. Sure, he’d been
acting
as a dad for a long time, but it wasn’t until Rowan left, actually flew away before Christmas, that Hugo felt there was no longer a safety net. And then they’d started with the adoption process.

“You’re right. This
is
new. No wonder it’s been so scary. No wonder I’ve lost myself.”

“You lost yourself in the adoption process alone,” Kevin recognized. “Not to mention all that research you did so Summer could get pregnant.”

“God. I feel like I need to
feel
like a gay man again.”

Kevin chuckled. “Gay men have babies nowadays.”

“I know,” Hugo dismissed. “I just feel so far away from that guy who went to bed with you on the Fourth of July. I want to feel like that again. I want to experience that scary feeling in my gut, the one where I question if I’m doing the right thing, but all that’s really at risk is if the guy I’m with is a total top and going to say no if I want to stick my finger in his ass.”

Kevin gave a huge belly laugh and chuckled out the words, “Ooo, risky.”

“I know. It’s ridiculous, but the risks were so much simpler, and they weren’t going to possibly affect the future of impressionable people.”

“I get it. You want uncomplicated risk, not this complex life stuff you’ve been marinating in for months and months.”

“Yes. I’m so glad you get this, Kevin. So seriously glad you understand.”

Kevin squinted, studying Hugo’s face for a second, and then asked, “Will you put that colored lip stuff on for me?” Hugo readily agreed and walked toward the bathroom, where he rummaged through the drawer he’d tossed it in the last time he’d worn it, ages ago. With a steady hand he slipped the tinted balm over his lips, carefully filling in the Cupid’s bow on his upper lip. After long minutes, Kevin appeared behind him, studying his face in the mirror.

“And these?” Kevin asked, holding up a black bra-and-panty set. Kevin’s face looked unsure, as if he expected Hugo would argue, and when Hugo didn’t respond, Kevin started talking again. “It’s a risk. Sort of. It’s more a risk for you than it is for me. I’d love to see you in these, but I know it’s a risk for you. A personal risk. Maybe….” His face became worried over Hugo’s shoulder in the mirror.

Hugo palmed the fabric, silky-smooth in some areas and velvety-soft in others. He’d worn these on more than one occasion as Miss Cherrie. Many, if he thought back.

Kevin was right. This was a huge personal risk. Hugo had always kept these two parts of his life extremely separate, for good reasons. But those reasons had more to do with the men he’d been with in the past than Hugo refusing to explore this.

Hugo met Kevin’s eyes in the reflection and gave him one nod, then watched Kevin slip out of the bathroom and back into bed. That excitement, that nervousness that didn’t affect other people’s lives was back, growing and filling his belly.

He pushed his white cotton underwear over his hips. So practical, simple, and honestly, ugly. He’d even allowed his underwear choices to become sensible over the last few months as the more risqué choices were pushed to the back of the drawer. Now he wore safe underwear, just in case the kids walked in on him while he dressed or climbed into bed with them in the middle of the night.

Naked and exposed, aside from a hint of berry color on his lips, Hugo stood looking over his body in the mirror. There was nothing to hide behind, he realized, even if he did put on the fabric in his hands.
Especially
if he did. Hugo thumbed over the black velvet design, a swirl that coiled and coiled around, culminating right where his nipple would be. Slipping his arms through the silky straps, he hooked the bra behind him and took a few moments to adjust it. He was obviously flat chested, but he didn’t bother looking at himself yet, pulling the panties over his slim hips, snapping the elastic in place instead.

Hugo closed his eyes, taking in a deep, unsteady breath and blowing it out his painted lips before he finally looked at himself.

Himself.

He was obviously a man, the bulge of his cock and balls evident. A few moments of readjustment made a huge difference in how the panties fit, but he didn’t like it, readjusting again and allowing his basket to just be.

Hugo was going out to that bedroom as Hugo, as a man, not Cherrie. His mouth was dry, so he turned on the tap and took a quick sip of water that he pulled up with his palm.

This may never happen again. One time. Just once he was willing to try this. He trusted Kevin with his life. He knew Kevin wouldn’t betray him or use this against him in any way he could imagine, and he could imagine a lot of ways.

After wiping his hand dry on a towel, Hugo turned and walked toward the bedroom, shutting the light off behind him. No matter what, though, he couldn’t quite make eye contact with Kevin as he walked across the plush carpet near the bed.

Kevin had remade the bed, the comforter tight and neat on top of the mattress so there was nowhere to hide. He obviously wanted to see Hugo, so Hugo lay down, rested his head on the pillow, and closed his eyes.

“You’re beautiful like this, you know?” Kevin asked, voice gentle as if he were speaking to Lulu after she was startled by a gigantic crack of thunder. Hugo didn’t respond. “Like a present, something I want to unwrap to see what’s inside, yet I want to keep you intact. I don’t want to spoil the sight of you.”

If Hugo were honest, it felt good to have the power to make a man want to keep him covered like that. He was too afraid to be honest.

Kevin started kissing Hugo’s neck, leaving warm puffs of breath behind along with more words. He kissed between Hugo’s pecs, spending more time there than he’d ever done before, even kissing below the bra, following the lines of the cups back up and then licking Hugo’s armpits.