Flat-Out Matt (12 page)

She studied his face and inhaled and exhaled along with him, over and over, until she could speak. She even smiled a little. “Sometimes, for instance right now, you look like him. Did you know that?”

Matt shook his head. “No, I don’t. Don’t say that.”

“Yes. You really do. I see it in your eyes. And in the way you tip your head to the side when you are worried. But you can stop worrying now. I feel much better.”

“Good. I’m glad. You should go to sleep now, don’t you think?” He should ask her to tell him what happened. He knew that. But he just couldn’t. He wasn’t equipped for this conversation. Once again, he was helpless.

“Yes, I must sleep, but first I would like to speak to Julie.”

Matt clenched his jaw. “You can talk to her tomorrow.”

“I would like to speak to her now. I need to.”

“If that’s what you want.” He leaned down and kissed her forehead. “I’ll see you in the morning. I’m sorry about all of this. This was a mistake.” Matt took her hand in both of his for a moment as he struggled to find the right words to tell her that he loved her, and that he would do anything to trade places with Finn so that she could have the brother she really loved back with her. There was no way to say that, so he just kept her hand in his for a minute more. “Good night, Celeste.”

The hallway was dimly lit, but it was still easy to see the distress on Julie’s face. Matt didn’t care. She deserved to be miserable.

“Matt? Oh, God. I don’t know what—”

He held up his hand. “Don’t say anything to me. She wants to talk to you.” Matt brushed past her coldly as she carried Flat Finn into Celeste’s room. He leaned against the wall and crossed his arms while he began to come undone in his own way. Never had he been this angry with anyone. How had he trusted someone else to step into Celeste’s world? Of the many mistakes he’d made, allowing Julie to push Celeste too far was the worst one of all. Matt leaned against the wall in the hallway, his expression icy and distant.

By the time Julie left Celeste’s bedroom, his rage was barely contained. Matt didn’t even want to look at her. He was disgusted with her and with himself. When she stepped close to him, he snapped. “Stay away from me. I can’t deal with you right now.”

“Matt….” 

“I swear to God, don’t talk to me now. Don’t.”

“I’m so sorry. You have no idea.”

“I don’t want to hear it. I don’t want to hear anything from you.”

 “Matt, you know I love Celeste, and I would never have done anything to hurt her.”

“Well, you did.”

“If you would just let me explain again why—”

“You don’t stop, do you? You want to get into this? Fine. Let’s get into it. You thought you could just show up here and insinuate yourself into our lives? You can’t. And you also can’t act like I’m the bad guy. Like everything I do for her is somehow totally brainless.” He moved so that he was facing her, placing his body inches from hers. “I’ve busted my ass to keep Celeste in a stable place, and you just ruined it. You ruined
her
. God, Julie. You’re here for a few months, and you think that you know what is right for Celeste? Nobody asked you to fix anything. You can’t.” He ran his hands through his hair as he continued to unleash on her, not recognizing his own voice. “You can’t change this. And your constant reminders that you think we’re all completely crazy are not helpful. Do you get that? What is wrong with you? Don’t you have your own life to attend to? Or is this how you make yourself feel better about your crappy father, huh? You excuse the way he treats you for no good reason, and you love him based on nothing more than a few lousy e-mails a year.”

Matt couldn’t stop. He continued his vicious attack, hardly hearing himself or her, and speaking with no filter as he let free every ounce of anger.

When he was done, when he had torn her to the ground, he walked to his bedroom. “Go to hell, Julie.”

He shut the door, turned off the light, and got into bed. Despite the chill, he took off his T-shirt, one that Julie liked, and threw it across the room. It felt like an eternity went by as he lay on his back, in shock over everything that just transpired. Everything that he said. The fear that engulfed him tonight was more than any he’d felt before. Even when Finn died. It wasn’t about fear then, just grief. Deep, merciless grief. The fears around Celeste had built slowly and steadily over time, but they were different from tonight’s. That phone call…. Matt thought his heart might have stopped. And now it wouldn’t stop pounding.

He thought for a while, sorting through the things he yelled at Julie out in the hall. Striking out about her relationship with her father was cruel and unfair. It wasn’t his place, and he shouldn’t have even broached the subject tonight of all nights. Who was he to comment on parent-child relationships? Then he taunted her about Finn, about playing it safe and hiding online. Matt was a hypocrite.

Celeste is not your job. We’re not your job. We’re not your family.

Oh God, what had he done?

He’d been blaming Julie for all of this. But he was wrong about why. It wasn’t that Julie had gone too far with Celeste—or with Matt. It was that she had given them somewhere to fall from. They hadn’t had that in years. There hadn’t been anything else to lose until now. He was angry with her for giving him hope because now the crash hurt like hell.

I’ll never be what you want. You don’t like me? Then stay out of my life.

He didn’t want Julie out of his life. But he didn’t know if he wanted her in it. She pushed. God, she pushed so hard. It felt as though she disapproved of so much about Matt, but he could see that wasn’t the full truth. She did like him, but she also saw all of his shortcomings that he was already so painfully aware of. But maybe she pushed because she saw potential in all of them to live more vibrant, functional lives? Even him? Matt blinked back tears and tucked an arm under his head.

Everything was going to explode soon. He could feel it. There wasn’t much time left. Julie was right when she said that they couldn’t keep avoiding the real world. This false one was going to disintegrate, and he wouldn’t be able to stop it. It would happen by the end of the school year. He’d essentially set that deadline in a chat with Julie by telling her that Finn would be home for the summer. Matt needed this to be over. It all felt like too much.

His dark room was too empty, the quiet acutely painful. The clock on his nightstand clicked loudly while he lay still and waited for the worst of his agony to pass. He was good at squashing emotions, but tonight was tough.

Later, the door opened slowly. “Matt?” And then she was there, sitting on his bed. In the moonlight, he could see that she looked as wrecked as he felt. “Matty?”

His anger and his fear still hovered, but he looked at her. 

“I’m sorry. Please. You have to forgive me.” Julie’s voice was breaking. “I’m so sorry. I’m so sorry,” she kept repeating. “Matty, please. You can’t be this mad at me. I can’t take it.” She dropped her head onto his chest and slid her arms under his shoulders, pulling him against her.

Matt’s eyes stung as she hugged him tightly, and he lay unmoving while she clutched onto him. He should push her away, tell her again to go to hell, because keeping her at a distance might be the smart move. He didn’t know anymore. Perhaps all of the choices he’d made since Finn’s death had been the wrong ones. Matt didn’t know who or what to trust, but he moved his hand to the back of her head and gently stroked her hair, trying to soothe her trembling.

“Shhh….” he said.

Matt was taken aback by how affected she was by what happened between them. Julie’s pain was not just about Celeste. It was about him. “I’m the one who’s sorry. I didn’t mean any of the things I said to you. You didn’t deserve that.” It was true. She didn’t deserve his hateful words when he was too cowardly to tell her the truth about anything. All she had been doing for months was to try to help.

She rested her cheek against his chest, still clinging to him, the warmth of her body against his bringing him relief and calm. Matt’s hand traveled from her hair to the top of her tank, over the straps and just grazing her skin. 

“I was awful,” he continued. “Your relationship with your father is none of my business. Of course you love him, and you have every right to. What I said was unforgivable.” Matt kept his hand on her, starting to touch her shoulders and her back. He hoped that she could feel his sincere remorse. “You’re the best thing to happen to Celeste. She was lost before you got here. As if she didn’t belong anywhere. You’re saving her. I
never
should have said what I did.”

“No, I pushed her too much,” Julie said quietly. “And you. It won’t happen again.”

“You’ve been perfect. I wish I could tell you everything, but I can’t. Not yet.” It would happen. One day she would know everything, but not tonight. First they had to recover from this.

“I know. That’s all right.” Her hold on him stayed strong, but he could feel tension begin to ease from her body. Matt didn’t take his hand away for a second.

After a few minutes, Julie shivered a bit.

“Cold?” he asked.

“Yeah. A little.”

He slid his legs, and they moved together so that Julie was on her side, under the blanket with him, and resting her head in the crook of his hold. Matt stroked her arm, running his hand up and down, over and over. Her body pressed against his felt like the most natural thing in the world, and the way she fit against him as though they were made for this embrace was overwhelming. She took his hand in hers, intertwining their fingers, and squeezed.

He squeezed back.

“So we’re still friends?” she asked.

Friends.
The worst word. But he would take it, because it was the most important thing. “Yes,” he said after a moment. “We’re still friends.”

Julie yawned. Their fight had drained both of them, and Matt wanted her to get some sleep. She had been through a lot tonight, too. And if she stayed awake any longer, she would come to her senses and leave. He slowed his touch over her arm and shoulder and listened to her breathing change as she drifted off in his arms.

If he fell asleep, he would miss this. So he stayed awake and spent the next two hours trying to memorize what her body felt like next to his. When the truth came out, when his many lies were exposed, she would hate him for what he had done to her. She was worth so much more than his cowardice.

If things were different, if he could go back and do this right.

If Finn hadn’t died, if Celeste weren’t so troubled, if his parents weren’t withdrawn and stuck on compartmentalizing everything….

But Matt was the one to blame. He could have stopped this mess with Julie before it ever started. If he’d been strong enough.

Too many ifs.

“I’m so sorry,” he whispered into the dark. Matt brought his lips to the top of her head and lightly kissed her.

Julie lifted her head slightly.

“God, I’m so sorry, Julie,” he murmured.

“Me too,” she said.

Julie raised her head more, bringing her mouth by his. He couldn’t breathe. What was she doing? She couldn’t be…. But she was, because she put her lips to his. They held still, delaying the moment that could change everything. They shouldn’t do this. It would be a mistake.

Matt placed his hand firmly on her waist and pulled her up. And then he kissed her. Her lips were incredible, and their kiss gentle and unhurried. He moved his tongue against hers, and she pressed her mouth harder against his, her response heating up their connection. Then she slid her leg over his and pressed her waist against him, bringing them even closer together. Her body moved up, her chest now against him, and he put his hand to her lower back, raking his fingers against her skin. Julie slid a hand behind his head and pulled him in even more. The heat and the intensity between them grew. Too fast.

Matt didn’t want to stop, and it was clear Julie didn’t either. More than anything, he wanted to roll her onto her back, and to take this further. He would slowly ease off her clothes. He would hold his body over hers, kissing her for ages, only eventually pulling away from her lips to work his mouth down her neck, over her chest, her stomach. Lower. He wanted to make love to her, to show her how adored she really was.

Julie’s breathing was picking up as he continued to kiss her, teasing her with his tongue, coaxing her into response. She wanted him, it was easy to tell. And he wanted her more than he ever could have imagined. This was not Julie with
Finn
. This was Julie with
Matt
.

He knew they could keep going. Given how she was moving against him, she wouldn’t stop it.

So he had to. Because Julie with Matt was too complicated. She didn’t know what she was doing. Her first time couldn’t be like this. Matt would never do that to her. This was not about just sex, although she had to be aware of how turned on he was….

He squeezed her hand one more time and pulled from her kiss, resting his head back on the pillow. He looked at her as he tucked her hair behind her ear. It was good that he had just stopped things because he saw enough shock and confusion in Julie’s eyes as it was.

She would probably come to her senses and leave now. Their fight, their horrible exchange of words out in the hall…. That was the reason for this late-night fooling around. It had to be. Feelings got mixed up in the aftermath of their fight. That was all. She loved the idea of Finn, not the idea of Matt.

But she didn’t leave. She put her head back on his chest. Matt wrapped his arms around her.
Fall in love with me, Julie, as I fell in love with you
, he willed her
. Fall in love, fall in love, fall in love….

Only for tonight, they belonged to each other, so he would stay awake.

Even if this closeness was just a result of mending what broke during their fight, he would take this excuse to stay next to Julie, the girl who had an irrevocable hold on his heart.

He would save her having to wake up with him. He wouldn’t leave her until she started to stir. Then he would ease his body away, slip downstairs, and this would be over.