Flat-Out Matt (8 page)

Julie shrugged. “I don't know. You never mention anyone.”

“I will admit that the romantic area of my life has been slow recently. I simply don't have time to go out with anyone right now. You know what my schedule is like with school and with Celeste.”

“So you haven't dated since…you know? Celeste. The Flat Finn stuff.”

“Not much. I had a pretty serious girlfriend, but then…” Matt struggled for how to say what he wanted to without saying too much. “Things changed around here.”

“With Celeste?”

Matt nodded.

She didn't say anything for a minute. “When something happened?”

Matt nodded again.

“I'm sorry,” Julie said. “Because whatever it is, I can tell that you're dealing with it too. Maybe someday you'll want to tell me about it.”

 “Maybe someday,” Matt agreed. He wasn't one for talking deeply about anything to do with Finn's death, ever. But knowing that he could, even in this peripheral way, felt surprisingly good. “And my girlfriend at the time wasn't interested in staying together. Not everyone can tolerate my life. This house.”

“I love Celeste, but she's hurting you, isn't she?”

“Don't say that. I would sell my soul for my sister.”

“I know you would.” Julie spoke slowly, and Matt knew that she was choosing her words with particular care. “But you must be angry with Finn for leaving. For making whatever happened to Celeste worse.”

“I am angry with Finn.” This was true.

He was angry with Finn for dying, for being dumb and reckless enough to jump into a car driven by someone clearly in the middle of a mental breakdown.

He was angry with Finn for being heroic enough to sacrifice his life for his mother's. Whether or not that was Finn’s intention didn’t matter. That's how it felt.

He was angry with Finn for causing everyone's lives to completely crumble.

He was angry with Finn for leaving Matt with an unspeakable mess that he was incapable of cleaning up. And for leaving him alone with a crazy family that didn’t have the ability to love him.

“He has a right to his life, Matt.”

The irony of Julie's words hit him hard. “Believe me, I know he does.”

“Do you two usually get along?”

This was a difficult question to answer. “We used to. And then…we didn't.” Yes, he and Finn were best friends, but even best friendships carry their own set of troubles. Finn's all-around skill and success combined with his modesty made their relationship inherently uneven. Matt knew that he would never be as perfect as Finn, and the way that Finn stepped in to care for Celeste after their mother's severe depression surfaced was more than Matt was able to do. Finn was better. At everything. With everybody. “Mostly because of the issues with my mother. He was always the hero. That wasn't easy for me, I guess.”

“Celeste thinks you're a hero. Don't you see how she looks at you? She adores you.”

“Not the way she adores Finn. It's different. I do the boring stuff. I get her to school, feed her, help her with homework, worry about her. I'm no Finn, that's for sure. He's never given a crap about real life. He cares about fun and horsing around. When my mother was away—that's what we call it,
away—
Finn entertained Celeste, got her laughing, made her wild and free like him. I took care of what needed to be done, and he got all the credit. That's how it's always been.”
Finn always got the glory
, Matt thought. He was showy and theatrical and wonderful. Matt was good at organization and logistics, neither of which fostered admiration from a little girl. Or maybe anyone.

“You don't sound as though you like Finn all that much.”

“On the contrary. He's incredible. He's vivacious and relaxed and unrestrained. Finn gets to do everything I don't, and I envy him.” Even after death, Finn's online persona was certainly having a much better time than Matt was.

“So Celeste used to be more like Finn?” Julie asked.

“She did,” Matt said softly. It hurt, remembering Celeste when she was spirited and nearly irrepressible in wonderful ways. Matt wasn't able to save that part of her.

“I think she's doing better, don't you? A little bit? She pitched a fit because I couldn't find the second season of
Glee
the other day. I think that's a good sign.”

“What is
Glee
?” Matt didn't understand half of Julie's references.

“Don't worry about it. It's a good thing. And she's asking for trendy clothes for Christmas and wants me to take her shopping too.”

“So she's becoming devoid of individuality? Exactly what I hoped for.”

“Shut up. These are
good
things. Flat Finn is getting another round of hinges in a few weeks. Celeste gave me the go-ahead. Matty, don't you see how much she needs to fit in and needs friends? Can you imagine how desperately lonely she must be?”

“I can.” Matt sighed. Julie could give Celeste what he couldn't. He knew nothing about this kind of stuff. “You're probably better for her than I am.”

“But you do really important stuff. She needs someone like you to take care of her. Your mother is…having a hard time too, I think.”

Matt nodded. Julie was starting to understand too much about this household. Maybe that was a good thing. Maybe it would bring them all closer to the truth. And maybe it would destroy them all. “I know. She is having a horrible time. Both my parents are. Why do you think she and my father are out of the house so much? They can't stand to be here.” Damn it. He could feel his eyes welling up and hoped that Julie couldn't see. The way she could get to him like no one else could was both hated and much needed. Matt ran his hands through his hair. “Julie, I'm tired. I don't want to be Celeste's parent. I can't.”

There. He had done it. Confessed one of the most painful truths of the aftermath. He was ashamed at how much he resented the role he had been forced to take on.

Neither of them said anything for a few minutes.

Although he couldn't take much more of this conversation, he did sense something: Julie had just healed a little piece of his pain. The way she could gently access parts of him that he’d pushed away for so long stunned him.

“Gee, this lying under the tree routine is really turning out to be fun, isn't it? Aren’t you glad you're here?” As she always did, Julie knew when to pull back. It was exactly what she'd been doing with Celeste: pushing just far enough to elicit change without going too far. She was good at so much that Matt was not.

Another deep breath and another long exhale. “It has exceeded my expectations.”

“Okay, let’s talk about girls again.”

“You’re interested in girls? I had no idea. I thought you were dating that Seth character.”

“You’re a riot, Matt. Really. And for your information, Seth and I broke up.”

“I didn't know.” Julie hadn’t mentioned this. Even to Finn.

“I’ve moved on. Sort of. I don't know what’s going on. I have a crush.”

Matt rolled his eyes. The stupidity around this freakish love triangle had just hit its peak. “Let me guess. My brother?”

“How did you know?” Julie seemed surprised.

This was both good and bad news. And quite confusing. “Let’s see? Could it be the way you go on and on about how fabulously interesting and entertaining he is? How you check your phone for mail every three minutes? Surreptitious, you’re not.”

“Well, fine. So what? Anyway, we’re not talking about me. We’re talking about your floundering love life. Call Dana.”

“I don't have time for a relationship.”

“That’s ridiculous. There’s always time if you want it. Don’t you need a little romance in your life, Matty?” Julie nudged his shoulder with her hand.

Yes, he did need a little romance in his life, but going out with her friend was not exactly what he had in mind. Matt would have to put this off as long as possible, but he could tell that she was not going to let it go. For right now, he was happy to have this perfect night with Julie.

They stayed under the tree for a bit more, talking and joking, and then, because she was leaving for California and wouldn't be here for Christmas, they exchanged gifts. The geeky T-shirts that she gave him were perfect, and she clearly loved the Dunkin’ Donuts gift card that he gave her. When she flung her arms around him, laughing and hugging him tightly, Matt smiled.

For a few brief moments, Matt got to hold Julie in his arms. And that gift? That would stay with him forever.

Flat-Out Love
Chapter 22, MPOV

Matt Watkins
I think I'm supposed to consult a doctor now; my ego has been swollen for WAY more than four hours.

Finn is God
I wear a different deodorant scent in each armpit so I can always tell which way I'm turning if I get blindfolded and kidnapped by pirates.

Julie Seagle
To be fair, if you really also meant “No pants, no service,” the sign should say that.

Matt was half asleep at eleven-thirty on New Year’s Eve. If he could just shut off his thoughts he could zonk out and wake up to a fresh year, a year in which things might get straightened out. Unlikely, but still. At the very least, he wanted to sleep and disappear.

Matt wasn’t one for holidays, and this New Year’s was particularly lonely. His parents were away, but it wasn't their absence that made the house feel so empty, because in some ways it was actually easier when they were gone.

The source of his loneliness was annoyingly clear to him. He missed Julie. She’d been in California for a week now, and he missed everything about her.  The e-mailing and chatting back and forth tonight as Finn while she was at dinner waiting for her father had been fun, and he was glad that she liked the necklace, but it didn’t compare to actually being around her. He was still a little surprised at himself for giving her the purple stone he’d found years ago, but it felt right for her to have it, although he wasn’t sure exactly why. It represented who he used to be before he got so shut down, maybe? He wanted her to have a piece of that, even if she didn't know it was from him? Overthinking why he gave it to her wasn’t going to do him any good, but he was relieved that it wasn’t a disaster.

What
was
disastrous was that Matt had set things up so that someone else was wooing her and getting all the credit. Matt was an unbelievable jerk, he knew that. This wasn’t intentional, he would never have wanted this, but he had gone down a rabbit hole and was now having the most messed-up tea party of all. Alice had nothing on him.

Matt took a deep breath and tried to quell the rising panic. He pulled a pillow over his head and yanked the covers up high, wanting to block out all light and sound. Trying to sort out what he felt for Julie was nearly impossible, but above everything else was the simple fact that she was his best friend. His only friend, really.

Yes, Matt had school-based friendships—acquaintanceships, really—but he never went out with friends the way his peers did. He couldn't. He worried enough as it was when he had to stay late at school, and the idea of being gone for purely social reasons seemed wrong. Besides, he preferred limiting his friendships because bringing people into his life would invariably mean twisting truths, or hiding secrets, or protecting someone. What he’d gotten himself involved in with Julie was perhaps an extreme example of stepping outside those boundaries, but it was solid proof that it was best to keep people at arm’s length.

With Julie, they were all breaking the rules.

And now she was his best friend. A truth that felt awful because she obviously didn’t feel the same way. She liked him well enough, he knew that, but she had friends and a life outside of this house. Matt had not invaded her world and her heart the way she had his.

His cell phone rang, jarring him out of his semiconscious depressed thinking. He pulled the pillow off his head and fumbled for his phone. He answered quickly without checking the Caller ID. Phone calls that came in at midnight had to be bad. Could something have happened to his parents?

“Hello?” General sleep deprivation combined with fear to make his voice soft and scratchy.

“What are you wearing?”

Matt relaxed. Whoever this crank caller was certainly wasn’t reporting any kind of crisis. “Um… Who is this?” he said sleepily as he dropped his head back onto the pillow.

“Matty, it’s me!”

He was awake now. “Julie?”

“Yes, Matty! Have you forgotten me already? What are you doing home? You should be out revelrying!” She was loud, her words running together but full of energy.

He laughed softly. She was such a nut. “I was sleeping. And
revelrying
? I’m not familiar with that term.”

“Yes. It’s a term because I say so. I’m creative like that. Oh my God, I’m The Terminator! Get it? Don’t you miss me and my delightful banter?”

“I do miss you,” he said, yawning. It was clear that he had become the victim of drunk dialing, and getting her off the phone quickly would probably be smart, although he liked hearing he was missed. “Sure.”

“That’s not convincing. You’re hurting my feelings.”

“Everybody misses you. Especially Celeste. Thanks for all the e-mails you’ve been sending her.” Focusing on how much Celeste missed Julie was the only good move he could make here without getting into uncomfortable territory. And his sister really
was
missing Julie, so it wasn’t a lie.

“Aw, my buddy Celeste.” Julie made some light grunting sounds. “There. I did it!”

“You did what?”

“I got myself undressed!” So much for not getting into uncomfortable territory.

“I think you got yourself drunk, that’s what I think.”

“So what? So what if I’m drunk? I’m still funny.”

“You are funny,” he agreed. “How is California? How’s your father?”

“My father is fan-frickin-tastic. He’s clearly aiming for Father of the Year with the way he’s spoiling me. It’s a really good trip.”

Even beyond the obvious and uncharacteristic alcohol consumption, Julie did not sound like herself. This level of enthusiasm was clearly forced and insincere. Matt was a bit worried about her now. “Er… Are you okay?”