Flawfully Wedded Wives (18 page)

—
Angel King

 

Angel slipped into a pair of beige yoga pants. Then she remembered the receptionist's warning on the phone. There could be a lot of blood following the procedure. Angel decided to go with a black sweat suit.

“Might as well,” she concluded. “Black is what you wear to a funeral.”

Angel flopped down on her bed. She had come to the harrowing decision to terminate her pregnancy after much thought and many sleepless nights. Angel reflected on a conversation she'd had with Lawson two days earlier.

“What was it like to be a single parent?” Angel had asked her.

“It was hard, Angel. I'm not even going to lie to you,” Lawson had told her. “It's the hardest thing I've ever done, but being a mother is also the most rewarding. I love Namon more each day that passes. I can't begin to describe the joy I feel watching him grow into a young man. Sure, for a hot second, I did consider not having him, but even at sixteen years old, I knew my baby deserved a chance at life. I've never regretted it.”

Angel also recalled Kina's caveat, which was simply, “God said, ‘Thou shall not kill.'”

Eventually, it was Sullivan's advice that won out. Angel had to do was what best for her, not everyone else, and she'd decided that what was best for her was terminating the pregnancy.

She rubbed her hand over her stomach. Her stomach was still relatively flat and showed no evidence of the life growing within, and there would be no life there after the next few hours. She decided to talk to her unborn child for the first and last time.

“I'm sorry you weren't blessed with a better mother, little one. You deserve so much more than I can give you. I really do believe that all life is precious, including yours—
especially
yours. I know you shouldn't have to suffer for my sins and my bad decisions, but I don't know what else to do. I feel like such a failure and a disappointment to you and to God, who warned us not to arouse or awaken love until it so desires. I didn't listen. I risked everything for a man who turned out to be nothing like the partner I've been praying for or the kind of man I want to be your father, just so I could feel loved for a few moments.

“I'm scared, but you don't have to be. The Lord will watch over you, and you won't be alone. I'm sure your brother or sister will be there to watch over you as well. Maybe I'll get the chance to finish raising both of you when I get to heaven . . . if I get to heaven.”

Angel lay back on the bed, unable to stop the tears from flowing. “Lord, forgive me,” she prayed aloud. “I just don't know what else to do.”

Although she was exhausted both physically and emotionally, Angel forced herself out of bed and finished preparing to undergo the abortion.

She lifted her eyes toward heaven. “God, I know I have no right to ask this, but let this procedure go smoothly. Guide the doctor's hand as he . . .”

She stopped mid-sentence. How could she ask God to guide the doctor's hand to execute a perfect baby killing? Angel scooped up her bag and keys but was startled by a knock at the door.

“What now?” she groaned, walking to the door. The last thing Angel needed at that moment was to deal with anyone selling cookies, magazines, or religion.

“What are you doing here?” asked Angel, more relieved than surprised to see Lawson and Sullivan at her front door.

Sullivan pulled Angel in for a hug. “Come on, did you really think we'd let you go through something like this alone?”

Angel bit her quivering lip. “To tell you the truth, yeah.”

Lawson squeezed Angel's hand. “Angel, you know where I stand on abortion. I don't agree with what you're doing at all, but you're my girl and I love you. We stick together. That's what friends do.”

“Thank you.”

“If you get there and decide you want to run back home, we've got your back for that too,” added Sullivan.

Angel hugged them both. “You're more like family to me than my real family.”

“We're sisters,” affirmed Lawson. “We just have different parents.”

“All right, grab your stuff,” commanded Sullivan. “We'll meet you in the car.”

Sullivan and Lawson sat on each side of Angel at the clinic while they waited for Angel's name to be called. A melancholy chill hovered over them as Sullivan and Lawson attempted to calm Angel's anxiety.

Minutes and seconds seemed to crawl by. Angel rubbed her hands together. They were clammy, and she could feel her heart accelerating. Angel was barely cognizant of the women being summoned behind the white doors. The ones in the waiting area looked as dejected and pensive as she did.

“Being in here is really creeping me out,” disclosed Sullivan, who looked rather uncomfortable. “I hate this place.”

“I'm nervous,” Angel admitted, her right knee bobbing up and down.

“That's normal,” Sullivan assured her. “You'll be okay. Within the next couple of hours, you'll be back home in your own bed, and you can put all of this behind you.”

Angel let out a deep breath. “I just want it to be over with, you know? Every second I'm out here is like torture. It's agonizing. I wish it was tomorrow already. I want this whole nightmare to be over.”

“It will be very soon,” said Sullivan.

“What if I hate myself for this in the morning?” Angel shook her head. “I still can't believe that I'm here, that it's really come down to this.”

Lawson draped her around arm Angel. “It hasn't come down to anything yet. You still have a choice. You don't have to let those people kill your baby.”

Sullivan huffed. “Lawson, you're not helping. You're only making her feel worse. Angel, don't listen to her. Heck, don't even listen to me! You've got to do what you feel in your heart is best for you. You're the one who has to live with the consequences of your decision, and there will be consequences whichever way you choose.”

“What is Jordan saying about this?” questioned Lawson.

Angel was drenched in guilt. “He doesn't know that I'm here. I couldn't bring myself to tell him.” Angel closed her eyes. “I can do this,” she told herself. “I just need to get through the next few minutes.”

“We'll be here for you when you come out, and we'll be here for you and the baby if you decide not to go in there at all,” said Lawson.

“Thank you,” said Angel. Angel's confidence began to falter. She turned to Sullivan for perspective. “Does it hurt, Sully?”

“I was knocked out, so I really don't know. But some women I know stayed awake during the procedure. They said it feels more like pressure than pain.”

Angel's eyes fell downward. “Some people believe that the baby can feel it.” She shook her head. “I don't want my baby to feel that. I told them I wanted to be put to sleep. I don't want to see it or hear some machine sucking the life out of me.”

“Sweetie, why don't you take another day or two think about it?” suggested Lawson. “We can still leave. We can get up and go to the car right now if you want to.”

“What difference will another day make? I'll still be totally unprepared to take care of this baby. The father of my child will still be a thief and an ex-con.” Angel shook her head. “Another day would give this baby more time to develop and make what I have to do that much harder.”

Sullivan squeezed Angel's hand. “We'll support whatever it is you want to do.”

Angel turned to Sullivan. “How did you feel afterward?”

“I was fine, just some cramping and bleeding, but it goes away after a few days.”

“No, I mean did you feel differently, like you'd literally had the life sucked out of you? Did you feel . . . empty?”

“Like a part of me was missing?”

“Yeah.”

Sullivan thought back. “A little bit, but to be honest, I mostly felt relieved.”

“Your situation was different from hers,” Lawson pointed out. “You were just a kid.”

“Do you ever regret going through with it?”

Sullivan sighed. “At the time, no, but having Charity has made me reflect on that decision. Sometimes I wonder how I could've done that to my baby, especially when I think about how much I love my daughter.” Sullivan reached for Angel's hand. “But don't compare yourself to me or anyone else. You're the one who has to live with your decision, not me or Lawson or anybody else.”

“But you
will
have to live with it,” added Lawson. “Can you live with yourself if you decide to go through with this?”

Before Angel could answer, a nurse came into the lobby. “Angel King?”

Angel gulped. Sullivan hugged her. “It'll be fine.”

“It's now or never,” Lawson said. “Once you walk through that door, there's no turning back.”

Angel forced her body out of the seat. She took a few steps forward, then looked back at her friends. Sullivan nodded her head toward the nurse. Lawson mouthed, “Don't do it.”

Angel took a deep breath and ambled toward the nurse. Her heart bolted toward the exit. She didn't know whether or not her feet would follow.

—
Angel King

 

Lawson draped a quilt around Angel's body and sat down next to her on the sofa. “Can I get you something? Tea or maybe a bite to eat?”

Angel drew her knees to her chest and rested her chin on them. She shook her head. “I'm not hungry, just tired.”

“Are you in pain?”

Angel's eyes looked vacant. “I don't feel anything.” Lawson handed Angel the remote control, hoping to distract her. “Why don't you watch some TV? I'm sure there's a wonderfully horrible movie on that'll cheer you up a little.” She offered a weak smile.

“Maybe later.”

Sullivan rubbed Angel's back. “Are you sure you don't want us to stay?”

“No.” Angel stretched out on the sofa. “I want to be alone. I need to sleep.”

“Don't forget about the food we picked up on the way here. It's in the fridge when you get hungry. The doctor said there's no reason why you shouldn't eat.”

Sullivan scooped up her purse. “Can we get you anything before we go?”

“Can you get me a bottle of water out the refrigerator? I'll need it to take my pills later.”

Sullivan hesitated.

Angel knew what she was thinking. “Don't worry. I'm not going to try to OD, like I did after my divorce and miscarriage. I've lost my will to watch TV, not my will to live.”

“I know. I just want you to promise that you'll call if you start feeling too sad.”

“I'll be fine once I get some rest and a little time to myself.” Angel turned her back to them, and Sullivan and Lawson tiptoed out.

“Do you think we should leave her by herself with a bottle full of painkillers?” whispered Lawson.

“I don't know. I don't think she's suicidal, but I didn't think she was the last time, either.”

“This is such a disaster!” declared Lawson. “You know she should've kept that baby, Sullivan.”

Sullivan dug into her purse for her car keys. “What I know is what's done is done. All we can do now is pray for Angel and keep an eye on her.”

“We can't monitor her twenty-four-seven. What happens when she's alone and that guilt really kicks in, or when she starts missing her baby?”

“I can't answer that,” said Sullivan. “I don't think any of us can.”

 

 

Angel didn't want any visitors that afternoon, least of all the man whose baby she'd aborted, so she didn't hide her annoyance when Jordan dropped by unannounced. She let him in without speaking and resumed her spot on the sofa.

“I guess you're still mad at me,” Jordan said, joining her on the sofa.

“Why do you say that?”

“You haven't said two words to me since I told you about the charges.”

“You didn't
tell
me anything, Jordan. I found out and confronted you with it.”

“Okay, well, you haven't said two words to me since I
admitted
to it. How about that?”

Angel turned her back to him and hunkered down beneath her blanket. “You should just go.”

“Angel, I'm sorry. I don't know what else to say, but I want to make it up to you if I can. I want to make things right between us again.”

“You can't make this right.”

“Honestly, babe, I think you're overreacting.”

Her eyes narrowed into slits. “What?”

“Yeah, I mean you're lying up here in the dark, moping and depressed. It's not even that serious.”

“Jordan, you have no idea what's going on or what you're even talking about. The best thing you can do for both of us is just leave.”

“Angel, I'm not leaving you like this, not until you tell me what's really got you so upset.”

Her eyes began to water. “I said I don't want to talk about it. I don't want to talk to you. Leave me alone, okay?”

“I would if it was just about you, but you're carrying my baby in there. Whatever is going on with you affects our son or daughter, so I think I have a right to know what's up with you.”

“Please stop talking about the baby,” she whispered.

“Sweetheart, what's wrong?” Jordan made her face him. “Are you having complications with the pregnancy?”

“Not now.” She paused. “I'm not pregnant anymore.”

“What do you mean?”

She couldn't look him in the eyes. “The baby is gone.”

“You, um . . .” Jordan's voice cracked. “You lost the baby?”

“Yes.”

Jordan's face went pale. He looked as if he'd had the wind knocked out of him. “When? Why didn't you tell me?”

Angel bit her lip and remained silent.

He sighed heavily. “Baby, come here.” He folded her into his arms. “I'm sorry this happened to you . . . to us.”

Angel succumbed to the tears she'd been holding back. “I'm sorry too.”

Jordan kissed her cheeks where tears had fallen. “Why didn't you call me? I would've come to the hospital or done something. I would've been there for you and our child.”

“It's okay. There's really nothing you could've done.”

Jordan pulled away from their embrace and reached for Angel's hand. “What did the doctor say? Do they know what caused you to miscarry?”

Angel's eyes fell downward. For a moment, she considered letting him believe she had had a miscarriage. It would certainly go over better than admitting that she had aborted his only child without telling him, but she felt like he deserved to know that truth, even if he might hate her for it later. “It wasn't a miscarriage, Jordan. I had an abortion.”

The news pierced him, cutting to the core. “You did what?”

“Please don't make me say it again. It was hard enough the first time.”

“Oh, I'm sorry. Am I making this hard for you?” he asked in an icy tone that almost frightened her.

“You have every right to be mad. I should've told you.”

“Now you remember I have rights too—after the fact, of course! How could you do that without so much as telling me you were even thinking about it? It was my baby too.” He backed away. “Or was it?”

“Of course it was your baby!” she asserted. “What kind of tramp do you think I am?”

“I don't know what to think of you right now, Angel. You killed my baby. You didn't even give me the courtesy of a phone call to let me know.”

“Jordan, we are nowhere near ready to have a kid together. In your heart, you had to have known that.”

“I didn't care about that! This was my first child, Angel. I wanted to be this child's father regardless of whether or not I was your man!”

“I'm sorry, Jordan. I really am. I don't know what else I can do or say. It's done now.”

“You're right.” He rose. “I ain't got nothing else to say to you, either.”

“Jordan . . .” She reached for his arm, but he snatched it away from her.

He turned around. “No, I take that back. I do have something to say to you. You're cold, Angel. I know I've done my dirt, but I never killed anyone. I've never taken a man's child away from him. I know you're supposed to be a holy-rolling Christian, but you're one of the vilest human beings I've ever met. I hope you rot in hell for this!” Jordan stomped out, slamming the door behind him.

Angel had thought she couldn't possibly feel any worse than she did leaving the abortion clinic. Jordan McKay had proved her wrong.

Angel then remembered the prescription for hydrocodone she had filled on the way home. She read the bottle. “Take one tablet by mouth every four hours as needed for pain,” she read aloud. Despite what the doctor had prescribed, Angel took four tablets, figuring she needed at least that many to cope with her pain.