Fly Like You've Never Been Grounded (Summer Lake, #4) (26 page)

Laura felt the anger bubble up. He was deliberately being a pig. She slammed the bathroom door shut and got undressed. The shower was already full of steam as she stepped in, careful not to close that door quite so hard. He had his back to her as he worked shampoo through his hair. The muscles on his broad back rippled as his arms moved. He might be acting like a cocky pig, but the tension was rolling off him in waves. She put a hand on his arm and planted a kiss between his shoulder blades.

He spun around so fast she almost lost her balance. His arm snaked around her waist while he braced his other hand against the wall above her head. “It's been good, Laura. But I think it's time to call it quits.”

Her heart stopped in her chest as her stomach tied itself in a knot. Had he really just said that? “What do you mean, Smoke?” She searched his face, unable to believe he could mean it.

He had her backed against the wall now. The water was hitting the back of his head, rolling down over his face, his neck, his shoulders. “I mean it's time to say goodbye.” His voice cracked on that last word. Maybe it wasn't just water rolling down his face?

She felt her own tears sting and closed her eyes to keep them in. Her heart felt as though it was being ripped from her chest. She didn't want to say goodbye to this man, ever. She couldn't
, wouldn't
say goodbye to him. No god-damned way!

“You asshole!” She poked a finger in his chest. “You big, fucking coward!”

His eyes widened in shock. She was a little shocked herself at the words that were coming out, but she pushed on. She was all too familiar with the fight or flight instinct, and for the first time in her life she was prepared to fight—for what she wanted.

“It's not time to say goodbye at all. It's time to figure how the hell we're going to do this! You think it's okay to tell me your shit and then close up on me when I try to tell you mine? You're going to have to do better than that Mr. Cole Alexander Hamilton! You're going to have to grow a pair and work with me here!” She glowered up at him.

He shook his head sadly. “I'm not being a coward. I'm doing you a favor, Laura. You need to fly away from here. You need to be free. Free to go to London and wherever else life takes you. I'm not going to be the one who holds you down. I know how that feels, and I won't do that to you. Because...I love you.”

Who'd have thought it would take calling him a
fucking coward
to make him say it out loud? “Then you really are an asshole, Smoke. Because I love you too! And you are not going to be able to push me away or keep me out. You're going to work with me, you big Neanderthal!” She couldn't believe he'd just told her he loved her and she was calling him an asshole. 

His lips were pressed together his face was still tense, but she was relieved to see the tiniest hint of a smile lurking.

“You know you're gorgeous when you're angry, right?” He was leaning his weight against her now, getting hard again.

“Don't mock me, Smoke! I'm serious!”

“I noticed.” His hands closed around her waist. “So am I. I will not hold you back from doing what you want to do.”

“I know you won't. For one thing I wouldn't let you, but more importantly I know you'd never try to, any more than I would try to tie you down.”

He nibbled her ear before his mouth moved down over her neck, nipping and sucking.

“Smoke, listen to me!”

His mouth was working its way back up, his tongue moving over her skin, tracing her jaw line. He bit her chin, then her lips before leaning back to look at her. “I am listening, I heard you tell me you love me. Did you hear me tell you I love you?”

She nodded.

“So you're telling me you want to find a way to make something work? That you really want to be mine?”

She nodded again. “I want to be, but please, don't ever do what you just did out there again?”

“I couldn't say it out loud, Laura. I couldn't hold you to something you don't want. I said it in my head though. Because even if you walk out that door. Even if you go to live in London and I never see you again, in my heart you
are
mine. In my heart you will
always
be mine. And I will always be yours. I told you you were trouble, lady. You've broken down every wall I've ever put up. Busted through all the defenses it took me years to build. Now, whether you want me or not, I'm yours. My heart is yours and always will be.”

“But Smoke, I do want you, that's what I'm saying. I don't know how, but we'll make it work. We have to.”

His knee was between her thighs. “Then let's try this again shall we?”

He took her hard and fast. Their cries mingled as one when they came together.

Smoke slammed into her as he cried, “Mine!”

Laura knew she truly was as she gasped, “Yes!”

I
f he'd thought he had a problem with always needing to be holding her hand or touching her before, Smoke knew he was even worse now. They'd dried each other down after the shower, fallen into bed and laid there talking. He'd held her hand the whole time, stroked her hair, touched her face. He was lost and he knew it. He still had that uneasy feeling, though.

“I love you, lady, but I refuse to hold you back. Whatever we work out, however we do this, I want you to spend as much time in London as you need. Do what you want to do, go where you need to go, for as long as you like. Do you understand me?”

She nodded and snuggled closer under his arm. “I will. I'll go to London, but I don't want to live there. I want to be able to spend time with you.”

“We will.” He planted a kiss on top of her head and stared out at the lake. “We'll see each other when we can. You can come stay with me. I'll come visit you if you want me to, but it won't work if you give anything up so you can be with me.”

“I'm not talking about giving it up, Smoke. I'm talking about finding way to do it all. You were the one who talked about how everyone else is managing, remember? Jack and Emma, Holly and Pete, Dan and Missy. We can do that too. We just have to figure out how.” She turned to look up at him. “We can do it and we will do it. Because I love you. You were the one who said it could work if you found the right person. Well I know I have.” The fun and laughter were shining in her eyes as she added, “I never would have guessed that my right person would be an ego-ridden, great big Neanderthal of a possessive jerk, but since you are we'll just have to make the best of it.”

He laughed at that. “At least you know what you're letting yourself in for.”

“I do, but will you explain something that doesn't make sense to me?”

Smoke tensed, knowing there was still so much more he had to tell her. Still, she needed to know it all before they really could go anywhere with this. “I'll do my best.”

She pulled his head down and planted a kiss on his lips. “You don't have to tell me till you're ready, but I want to ask the question, okay?”

He nodded, feeling himself relax a little. She was so good about not pressuring him. “Ask away, I'll do what I can.”

“I just don't understand where the jealous, possessive bit comes in. It doesn't sit right with the guy who will fly away at the drop of a hat. I mean I can see that it's true, but I don't understand where it comes from, what makes you that way?”

He squeezed her hand, which made him realize that he was holding it once again. He did know the answer to this one, he just hoped he could explain it. “Okay. First, you do understand why I take off rather than stick around?”

She nodded, “Of course I do. It's my natural instinct too.”

“Yeah, to me, sticking around—feeling obliged to stick around—has always felt like I was being grounded. Having my freedom, my ability to fly, taken away.” He paused. How to explain it? “You're right about my big ego. I do like to feel that when I fly away I'll be missed. That the people I leave behind wanted me and don't just forget me when I'm gone. When I choose to stick around, to not fly away, I need to know that I'm doing it for a worthwhile reason.” He paused, knowing he had to stop talking in generalities, to be forthright and honest. “I need to know that you actually want me. That you want me enough that you're not interested in anyone else. I need to know that I'm not making a mistake, that I'm not grounding myself for no reason. I feel like I'm making this huge sacrifice and I need to know that it's as important to you as it is to me. I need to know that you want me, and only me. I need to know that you are all mine. It's no sacrifice if we're in it together, so I need to know that we are. I guess the jealous and possessive thing is my way of seeking reassurance—that you want me, love me, and trust me as much as I do you. Does that make any sense?”

She nodded, but her eyes were troubled. “But I don't want you to make any sacrifices to be with me.”

“Like I said. If we're in it together, it's no sacrifice. It's what I want, so I'm not giving anything up. I'm gaining everything. I just need to know I'm important to you. With everything that happened, I ended up feeling like I wasn't important to anyone. I wasn't important to Anabel. She didn't want
me,
she wanted the package, the status, the influence that would come from our being together. When it all went to shit, I felt like my family didn't want
me,
that they had only wanted the son who would help make Hamilton Groves a reality and who....”

“What did you just say?”

“I felt like they didn't really want...Laura, what...?”

Her face had gone pale. “You said Hamilton Groves? Meaning wine? Meaning one of the largest producers and distributors in the country?

Oh, shit!
He'd done more talking these last few weeks about his past and his background than he had done in years. He was getting used to the idea that he didn't need to hide who he was. What he'd forgotten was that he hadn't told Laura yet. He'd told Ben, but not Laura. “Yeah.” He hugged her to him. “I told you I came from money? I told you I grew up in Napa? I didn't think the particular family made much difference.” Apparently it did.

She was staring at him. “Anabel Groves?”

He nodded. “You know her?”

“I made her engagement ring.”

He couldn't help the bitter laugh. “She's found another poor sucker then? I wonder if she told him she's pregnant.”

Laura's eyes were huge now. “Is that what she did to you?”

He nodded. “It was a lie, though.”

“Was everything else lies, too?”

“I don't know. What everything else are you talking about?”

“She told me that she'd been engaged once, a long time ago. That her fiancé had hit her for talking to another guy. That he'd beat the guy up and put him in hospital. That he made his family threaten to ruin her family if she went public with the truth. That her fiancé had gone to jail for what he did, but his family said he was in rehab. I just never made the connection that you were
that
Hamilton.”

Jesus!
Anabel was still telling people that? He looked at Laura—and she believed it? His heart refused to beat, if she could believe that of him, what was the point? “You tell me, Laura. Do you think that's the truth?”

She shook her head. “Not of the man I know. I can see you beating the guy up if they were sleeping together. But, you? Smoke—and certainly not the Cole I've seen, hit a woman? Never. I don't know who you used to be and I don't know about your family, but I do know you. You're not capable of that.”

His heart restarted with a loud thud. He blew out a big sigh of relief. “Thank you. You're right. I did beat the crap out of the guy, and I'm not proud of that. I guess that fueled my jealous, possessive streak. I was sacrificing so much to try to make that woman happy, and she was using him to taunt me that I just wasn't good enough.”

Laura wrapped her arms around him and hugged him. “I'm sorry. It just shocked me. I had no idea. Is that why it was such a big deal when you told me your name?”

He nodded. “Kind of. I figured if you knew the name we could talk about it. But it was more important than that. Smoke is the part of me that the world sees.” He gave her an apologetic smile, but he needed to say it. “The guy that women want to sleep with. Before I made love to you I needed you to know....I'm not going to say ‘the real me,’ cos Smoke is real. I needed you to know the rest of me. Cole is the part of me who felt rejected and betrayed, the part of me that, as a result, trusts no-one and stays hidden, stays safe. Telling you my name was my way of letting you in. My way of letting you know that I trust you.”

She hugged him even tighter. “Thank you. That means the world to me.”

He hugged her back. “You mean the world to me, lady. It's good to do this, to get it all out. We need to. So what else?”

“You don't have to go there if you don't want to, but...well, since we're being honest. This one is kind of huge for me. What's the deal with your family? You know my story with Dale. The thought of your family just being who they are terrifies me. Then the whole business with Anabel? What was the real story?”

Smoke didn't want to talk about it. It was too painful, but he understood why she needed to hear it. “My parents are good people. I didn't believe that for a long time, but they did what they did because they loved me, and they thought they knew what was best for me. They made some choices that they now acknowledge were poor ones. They took their business where they wanted it to go—and lost their son in the process. We're getting closer again now. In fact...how would you feel about going with me to see them?”

She looked terrified.

“I'd like you to meet them, Laura, but no pressure. We could do a real quick visit next weekend, on the way to the fundraiser? Real quick, like half an hour. I'll pick you up in Papa Charlie, we'll stop at their house and then go on to LA. What do you say?”

“I don't know, Smoke. There's no hurry, is there? I'd like some time to think about it.”

“If you don't want to, we don't have to. But the more you think about it, the more scary it will be. You'll blow it up in your mind and relate it back to your ex's family. That's why I want to do it so soon. Get it over with, and do it in one quick visit.”