Fooling Around (19 page)

Trish didn’t look happy about her daughter’s absence, but she didn’t complain. As usual, they were both extra careful not to cause any unnecessary conflict between them.

Almost nine years ago, Eric had gone to a trendy bar with some friends, and he’d ended up drinking too much. He’d hooked up with Trish, who was attractive and had come on strong. Both of them had been too drunk to be careful, and so they’d ended up with Maddy.

It had been a mistake, but it wasn’t one that Eric regretted. He wouldn’t have wanted to know what his life would be like without Maddy.

Trish had come up to the main floor of the house, so he rolled over to the windows to look out toward the beach. “They should be back any minute,” he said, repeating what he’d told her before.

“Okay. That’s fine.” Trish walked over to stand beside him and look out at the view of sand dunes, sky, and ocean. The beach itself was hidden by the dunes, even at this height. “Did she have a good time?”

“Yes, I think so. And she was feeling good the whole weekend.”

“She had a bad headache on Thursday, before she arrived.”

Maddy was getting them almost once a week now, which was significantly more often than she used to. The knowledge made Eric feel heavy and sick.

But they had another treatment to try. Maybe this one would work.

He was distracted from his thoughts by the appearance of Julie and Maddy on the walkway that led over the dunes and to the house. Even from a distance he could tell that both of them were smiling. Maddy carried a bucket that was evidently filled with seashells, and Julie’s hair and cover-up were blowing in the breeze.

She was beautiful. And she was Julie. He wanted her now even more than ever.

“So she’s your assistant, is she?” Trish asked, a slight tinge of irony evident in her voice.

He looked at her sharply. “What is that supposed to mean?”

“I can see how you’re looking at her. I’m not blind.”

He hated the thought that he was so easy to read, that his feelings were so obvious. It made him feel weak and vulnerable, so he reacted accordingly. “Maybe you’re not blind, but you obviously have an overactive imagination. She’s my assistant.”

“I hope she stays that way.”

“I don’t see that it’s any of your business.”

“Of course it’s not,” Trish said, sounding almost tired as she looked back out the window. “You can do what you want, as long as it doesn’t hurt Maddy. I just…didn’t think you were the kind of guy to hit on an employee.”

He didn’t think he was one of those guys either. He still didn’t.

“You don’t know the situation,” he said, keeping his voice low and controlled.

“It doesn’t matter whether I know it or not. If you’re sleeping with her, then you’re taking advantage of her, and that’s not like you.”

“If both of us want it, how exactly would I be taking advantage of her?” He hadn’t really meant to ask the question, to reveal as much as he had, but he needed to know the answer, since the question had sent shivers of worry through him.

Just last night he’d been inside her, she’d taken him in her mouth, they’d brought each other to release, they’d shared a lot more than their bodies.

He couldn’t believe anything was wrong with it. He hadn’t made a move on her. She had come to him.

“Are you kidding me?” Trish asked, looking genuinely surprised. “This job is important to her, isn’t it?”

“Not really. It’s just three months, and I had to talk her into it.”

She rolled her eyes. “You’re paying her a lot, aren’t you? Is that money important to her?”

Of course it was. He knew it was. He’d realized the other day just how much a million dollars would mean to her, even though it wasn’t all that much to him.

“See?” Trish said, not waiting for his answer. “She has a lot at stake in this job. Think about how hard it would be for her to lose it. Is she really capable of making a truly free decision about whether she wants to have sex with you or not? Isn’t it possible that a little part of her is wondering whether, if you’re not happy with her, you’ll just go ahead and fire her?”

Eric shook his head and made an annoyed face, mostly to end the conversation. But he kept going back to her question in his mind.

Maybe Trish was right. Maybe there was a part of Julie that was genuinely afraid for her job, that didn’t want to lose the money he’d offered her, money that would change her whole life.

He was still sure she had been into the sex, but maybe she would have made a different decision had she not been working for him.

He hated the thought. He hated it. He couldn’t stand to let it linger in his mind.

But it just wouldn’t leave.

Trish had evidently been watching his face, because she said in a different tone, “Oh, wait. You have feelings for her.”

He stiffened. “What?”

“Maybe it’s not what I was thinking. I didn’t realize you were serious about her.”

“Did I say I was serious?”

“No, but you were looking…I don’t know.” She gave him an amused smile. “Maybe even you can grow up.”

He narrowed his eyes, resenting the condescending implication, but he was too distracted by thoughts of Julie to follow up on his annoyance.

He’d never thought about his feelings for Julie. They were just trying something out, having a good time, letting it go wherever it went.

He didn’t like the idea of his taking advantage of Julie, but his emotional response to Trish’s assumption that he’d fallen in love with Julie for real was even more uncomfortable. His first instinct was to like it—like the idea of having Julie in every way, being with her forever—but then immediately following came a wave of deep fear.

He’d committed to Maddy a long time ago, and nothing in his whole life had been harder. He couldn’t deal with anything more. He couldn’t leave himself vulnerable to Julie, not when there was no guarantee of his making things work with her.

Maddy had already broken him as far as he would let himself break.

He resolved then and there, looking out at Julie approaching the house with his daughter, that he was going to be more careful with her, with his feelings for her.

She would be working for him for six more weeks. He couldn’t let himself fall any harder.

Already she had the power to hurt him—deeply. He couldn’t give her any more. That wasn’t who he was. That wasn’t what he did. He always stayed in control of things, so he’d make sure to stay in control of this.

He wanted to be with her again already. He wanted her, right now, in his arms, in his bed, but he was capable of controlling himself better than that.

If he could have sex with her and keep things casual, then that was fine. But if he couldn’t, then he better not have sex with her again at all.

For Julie, coming back to Charlotte after two weeks at the beach was like waking up from a dream. A warm, fuzzy, delicious dream that broke into the cold, bleak reality of the morning.

It didn’t happen all at once, though.

They could have stayed in the Outer Banks a few more days, since Eric’s appointment with the doctor wasn’t until Wednesday. But after Maddy left with her mother on Sunday, Eric decided he wanted to head back.

They got home late on Sunday evening. Eric spent most of the trip on his phone. And Julie kept getting more and more worried, as he wasn’t meeting her eyes and he wasn’t smiling at her the way he’d been doing.

Maybe he was regretting their time together last night. Maybe he was trying to give her a hint.

This morning it had sounded like he wanted to have sex again, but he might have changed his mind after thinking about it more.

Which was fine.

It was smarter not to do anything else, since it could seriously jeopardize her ability to work for him. She wouldn’t have minded if they’d come to the decision to not have sex again. But she didn’t like that he was acting so cool and distant, without any clear explanation for the shift.

Kristin wasn’t at the penthouse when they arrived, since they’d come back earlier than expected. So Julie went into Eric’s bedroom to unpack his stuff and get him organized again. Eric was in there too, but he was working on his phone, and he barely seemed conscious of her presence.

It was fine. It was all fine. Julie wasn’t going to let it bother her unduly.

Looking for some sort of conversation to get back to a natural mood between them, she said lightly, “Hopefully the doctor will be happy with the improvement when you go back on Wednesday.”

It was one of those normal, empty things that people said to make conversation. A typical response would have been to agree and add another comment to the conversation. But Eric just looked up at her, his eyes strangely cool.

She swallowed. “I’d think the blood test will be better, since you got a lot of rest while we were there and you were eating better.”

“Yeah.”

Well, that wasn’t a very helpful contribution to the discussion. She studied him discreetly, trying to read in his expression a reason for his change in attitude.

Just last night he’d been so warm and tender and passionate. And nothing at all had happened since then to change that.

Still trying to get back to something normal, she added, “You should try to use your crutches some this week. It’s been almost two months now since your surgery, so you can definitely start moving around on them more.”

“I don’t want to.”

“I know they’re a pain, but you really need to—”

“I said I don’t want to. Leave it.”

Julie actually gasped at the icy, cutting tone.

Eric grumbled and grouched and snapped at people a lot. He’d done all of those things with her. But his tone now sounded different. It sounded like he couldn’t be bothered to talk to her at all.

It wasn’t like him. At least, not the Eric she’d come to know.

She spent a moment talking herself down from the pain his response had provoked. Then she schooled her expression and smiled mildly. “All right. We can wait to see what the doctor says.”

She took some of his clothes into the closet, relieved that she wouldn’t have to be around him for a few minutes.

Maybe he was just in a bad mood.

Maybe he was just getting really worried and upset about Maddy again.

Maybe this was normal for him, and she didn’t really know him well after all.

She would wait and see how he acted tomorrow. She wasn’t going to worry about it until then.

But she definitely wasn’t even remotely tempted to go to his bed again that night.

The following day he was still acting standoffish.

She just didn’t understand what had happened, unless coming back to Charlotte was like coming back to his real life, where she really didn’t have a place.

Most of the day he was working in his office with Kristin, trying to catch up on the work that had gone undone. Julie just sat in the corner, getting things for him when he needed them or helping him move around or get comfortable.

It was like they were mostly strangers again, like they’d shared almost nothing over the last two months.

She tried to read and distract herself, but she just couldn’t focus. She kept brooding about it, analyzing it in her mind, trying to put the pieces together in a way that made any sense.

By about three o’clock, Eric was looking hot and stressed and exhausted. He kept shifting in his chair like he was uncomfortable, and he was rubbing his head like he had a headache.

He needed a break. Someone needed to encourage him to take a break.

That was her job. She should do it. She felt nervous, though, like he might bite her head off if she did.

“Damn it,” he finally roared as Kristin read back an email he’d been dictating.

“What’s the matter?” Kristin asked, visibly startled.

Julie got to her feet. It looked like Eric was about to explode.

“I need some air,” he muttered, reining in whatever had been brewing inside of him.

Without comment, Julie opened the terrace doors to let him wheel himself out.

The day was hot and stifling, although there was always a breeze this high up. Eric took several long breaths as he rolled toward the clear walls that surrounded the garden area.

For just a moment, Julie’s heart jumped in fear at the idea of him just rolling himself off the edge.

That was impossible, of course. The wall was high and constructed to weather all kinds of buffets and assaults. Eric couldn’t just push his way over it, and it was ridiculous to think he would.

It was just her nerves talking. He was acting strange, and she couldn’t understand why.

She was used to understanding him. Just a few days ago, she’d thought she did.

“Is there anything I can do for you?” she asked softly, coming up to stand beside him.

He shook his head. “I’m fine.” After a minute, he added as an afterthought, “Thanks.”

“You should take a break. You’re not used to working so long without a break. It’s not good for you.”

“I’m fine.” He didn’t really sound fine.

“Is…is Maddy all right?”

He gave her a sharp look. “I haven’t talked to her.”

“Okay. Good. Just checking. You looked like…”

“Like what?”

“Like something is wrong.”

He let out a long, raspy breath. “I’m sorry if I’ve been rude. I’m just trying to get back into work.”

“Okay. That makes sense. Just let me know what I can do.”

He nodded, and she felt a little better, like at least they were talking again. He’d said he was sorry. He wasn’t really treating her like a stranger.

When she looked back over at him, he was still staring out at the skyline, but he had an expression on his face that was pained, lost.

Without thinking, she reached to touch his arm, needing to comfort him, needing to connect with him.

He sucked in a quick breath and pulled his arm away.

She managed not to react, but she wasn’t going to continue with things unspoken between them, so she steeled her nerves and said, “I’m assuming your…the way you’ve been acting means you don’t want us to be together again.” When his eyes shot up to hers, she said hurriedly, “It’s fine! Of course it’s fine. It’s probably wiser that way. I just want everything to be…to be clear between us.”

It took all the courage she had to say even that much. She wasn’t used to laying herself open like that, making herself vulnerable by sharing that much of her feelings.

His breath hitched strangely. “Yeah. Yeah, sorry about that. I’ve been thinking. It’s probably better for us to stay professional. I’m your boss, and…”

He didn’t finish the thought, but he didn’t need to. She wasted no time in saying, “Sure. Of course. It wasn’t smart for us to cross that line in the first place. We can just call it a beach fling and forget about it.”

His eyes searched hers for a minute. “Yeah. After our contract is up, we can…we can revisit the subject.”

He was being polite, but she wasn’t fooled by it. It was brutally clear that he wanted to pull back, pull away from her. He wasn’t going to all of a sudden change his mind after the three months were over.

She was an adult. She’d known what she was doing when she indulged her desires, and now she could deal with the consequences. It didn’t matter that it felt like her heart was being ripped out of her chest. She’d been silly to think there could be any other future between them than this.

She could pull back into her shell, where she’d always been safe. Never putting herself out there. Using work and family and responsibility to hide from any risks that endangered her emotional stability.

She wasn’t so far gone that she couldn’t be who she’d always been.

By Wednesday, Eric was in a dark, bleak mood. He couldn’t remember ever feeling this way before.

In the past, every time he’d hit a roadblock or a disappointment, he’d always immediately found something to fill in the gap, to distract him from the pain of the loss.

For the last few days, he’d tried to do that. He’d poured himself into work on the new game so he wouldn’t keep dwelling on Julie and how hard it was to tell her he wanted them to be purely professional again, how gray his life looked without the possibility of being with her again. But it hadn’t worked. He did care about his new project. He cared about it a lot. But it wasn’t enough to keep him from thinking about Julie and how much he wanted her.

How he’d lost her before he’d ever had her for real.

She hadn’t looked hurt or disappointed when he’d told her that nothing else could happen between them. It would have been nice if she’d given some sign that she’d wanted more—since that would have made him feel better about his own tumultuous feelings—but she’d accepted it without question or reproach. Now she was back to acting the way she’d done when she first started working for him. Calm, withdrawn, slightly cool, as if nothing about him could touch her.

Maybe secretly he’d been hoping she would ask him if they could give it a try again. Or she would come to his bedroom again, want him so much she couldn’t help reaching out for him. But his conscious mind kept telling him it was better this way.

Just another five weeks and he would be free. He wouldn’t have to see her again. He wouldn’t have to keep wanting her this way. He wouldn’t have to continue wondering whether surrendering to his feelings would be as impossible as he believed.

She’d been right about him when she’d said that he had always run or made a quick turn whenever things in his life got too hard. Maddy was the one exception. He couldn’t handle any more of the pain and vulnerability that loving Maddy created in his life.

All his life he’d ended relationships with women before they became too intimate. It was who he was, what he did. Somehow he’d let things get further with Julie, but that had been a mistake.

He wasn’t so far gone that he couldn’t be who he’d always been.

At the moment, Julie appeared completely composed as she read on her e-reader in the waiting room of the hospital. He watched her from the corner of his eye, but she seemed completely unaware of his presence, as if what he was thinking or feeling didn’t mean anything to her.

Maybe it didn’t.

Only a few days ago, he’d been sure she was into him. He’d believed she was starting to overcome her lifelong reservations and inhibitions to be with him the way she’d been.

Things were different now, though.

They were waiting for the surgeon to call him back to review the results of the blood tests. Normally, he would have been uncomfortable about the fact that something regarding his health was in doubt, but at the moment he couldn’t really care less.

The results of a blood test didn’t mean nearly as much as Julie’s feelings for him did.

When the surgeon’s assistant called them back, Julie stood up and stepped over toward his wheelchair.

She looked pretty and reserved in her simple gray skirt and blue top, with her hair pulled back in a ponytail. He smiled at her because he couldn’t help it, and he knew something was wrong with the world when she didn’t smile back.

That afternoon he had to focus on work, since he was having a meeting in the penthouse with a number of important potential investors.

He had to sell them on his new game, on the unconventional marketing strategy, and on himself as a businessman.

Sitting in a chair across from them, his casted leg extended beneath the table so it wouldn’t be so obvious, Eric had the strangest moment of recognition. The whole situation was surreal. All he’d ever wanted to do was play football, and yet here he was in a fifteen-million-dollar condo, meeting with three billionaires who might invest in his idea.

Life changed when you weren’t looking.

Nine years ago, he’d had no one in the world who could break him. But now he had a daughter.

Three months ago, there had been no woman he’d ever met whom he’d wanted enough to be tempted to change his life, his world, his nature for. But now there was Julie.

He wasn’t sure how it had happened. When it had happened. Or when he’d become aware of it.

But he kept wondering whether he had been wrong to end things the way he had. It couldn’t be right. Not when it hurt every time he saw her, heard her, thought about her.

The surgeon had been pleased with his progress and said that he should be able to get the cast off in another month and wear a walking boot instead. All of that was good. He tried to be optimistic, but thoughts of Julie kept dragging him down into a storm of agonizing feelings.

Julie was in the background now as he went through his practiced spiel about what these investors could expect if they decided to work with him.

He knew they were listening. He was pretty sure they’d agree. He’d never had any trouble getting people to trust him with their money, trust his vision for success.

Julie looked miles away from him right now. She was miles away.