For Always (22 page)

I watched in horror as my former gym teacher grabbed him by his shirt collar, and shoved Jordan, stumbling back. “Get the hell out of here!” he warned.

I didn’t like the looks of this. I understood Mr. Dalton’s protective behavior. It wasn’t about attraction or hooking up. He just wanted to be certain I was in no danger. Seeing the intensity of the situation grow exponentially each moment, I knew I needed to intercede immediately. Too many times Jordan came to my rescue, and no matter how angry or hurt I felt, I owed him.

“It’s okay Mr. Dalton.” I said grabbing on to his arm so he would look at me, “He’s okay. He won’t hurt me,” I said with as much conviction as I could muster. At least not physically.

He shook his head, “You don’t have to talk to him. These stalker types are very dangerous.”

“He’s not a stalker.” I assured him. “He’s an old friend and he’s going through a rough patch right now. I’ll be fine, I promise.”

He shook his head. “I don’t like this, Stephanie.” He let out a long, loud breath. “Are you sure he’s okay?” He asked.

“Positive!” I smiled while pulling Jordan away.

Twenty-Nine

I pulled Jordan at least half a block before I turned back to make certain Mr. Dalton wasn’t still watching us. Once we were a safe distance away I stopped and called for a cab. After I hung up, I rambled on, scolding Jordan for his behavior and for embarrassing me.

“What the hell were you thinking?” I demanded.

“I couldn’t sit by and watch you buy into whatever line of crap that asshole was feeding you,” he defended himself.

“You’re kidding right? That ‘asshole,’ as you call him was one of my high school gym teachers.”

“That’s sexual harassment,” Jordan said taking a long swig of beer, finishing off the bottle.

“Why am I discussing this with you?” I kicked a brick wall, and then continued, “The only thing he did was try to find out what I was doing there before I got busted!”

I watched Jordan reach into his pocket and pull something very small from it. He popped the tiny pill into his mouth without the aid of any liquid to help it slide down.

I hadn’t even thought of it until now. The few times I knew he’d been drinking I didn’t have the presence of mind to ask if he stopped taking his medication. I just assumed he did.

“Was that a pain killer?” I asked.

He nodded.

“Are you kidding?” I shouted. “I thought when you had a drink, you skipped a dose or something. You shouldn’t be doing that.”

“I’m fine,” he insisted, “I only had one beer. I got there about ten minutes before you.”

The cab pulled up. I looked at him as I opened the rear door. I knew I shouldn’t care, I should just get in and leave him behind, but I couldn’t.

“Want a ride?”

Jordan nodded, then slid in the back after me. “We’ll be making two stops,” I told the driver.

“Just one,” he corrected. “I can walk home from your house.”

“That’s not a good idea.”

“We need to talk.”

The last thing I wanted was to go another round of stomp on my heart. “We said everything we needed to earlier. There’s nothing left to say.”

“I’m sorry.” Jordan reached for my hand, but I pulled it away before he could touch me.

“Don’t!” I gave him a warning look.

The cab pulled up in front of my house. Jordan paid the fare and sent it on its way as I climbed the steps to my front door. I glanced back at him before turning the key in the lock.

“You should’ve just gone home and called it a night,” I said.

“Please Stephanie, hear me out. I owe it to you.”

I shook my head telling myself not to listen, not to give in to him. I turned so I didn’t have to see him. I didn’t want to look into his eyes, because I knew too well they made me weak in the knees and I’d lose my resolve.

I glanced back to find him atop my steps a foot away from me. His dark eyes looked so calm and sad. They didn’t show a trace of the burning anger I saw earlier.

I opened the door and let him in.

My mother had been watching television in the living room. Thrilled I returned home earlier than she expected, and that I ditched my new friends, she turned in early so we could be alone.

“So what is it that’s so imperative?” I demanded.

I watched his eyes drop to the floor, his face serious. “Come sit,” he said taking a seat on the couch.

“I’d rather not.” I remained standing with my arms crossed over my chest.

“Just sit here.” He motioned to the spot next to him.

“Fine.” I rolled my eyes and sat down as far from him as I could.

Jordan looked down as he spoke, “About before,” he hesitated, “there’s something I didn’t say.”

“You know what? It’s fine. I understand.” I felt myself losing control of my emotions and I just wanted him to leave. I wanted this horrific day to finally end. I stood and walked to the front door, my hand on the knob. “You said more than enough.”

Jordan followed and placed his hand on mine. A wave of tiny tremors ran from my hand up to my head and down to my toes. I should have reacted quicker so he didn’t have a chance to touch me.

“I’m sorry.”

I wouldn’t look at him, I couldn’t. I kept my eyes down. “Whatever.”

“Look at me,” he tilted my chin up, “I didn’t mean what I said earlier.” Although guarded, he started to wear me down. “Stephanie, I swear, I don’t think you’re selfish or self-centered.” He took me by the hand and led me back to the couch.

I felt my eyes fill with tears. “You sounded pretty convincing.”

He nodded. “I meant to.” He ran his hand through his hair, “I wanted to hurt you. To push you away.”

I shifted away from him, into the arm of the couch and folded my arms across my chest again. “Job well done.”

“Try to understand, Stephanie. I’m barely holding on.”

“You’re the one who wanted to talk, I was more than happy to see you leave.” I snapped back. “In fact I still am.”

He let out a frustrated sigh, “You don’t get it. If I lost you . . . I couldn’t go on.”

I waited a bit before responding. I cleared my throat before I spoke and surprised myself with the words that followed. “I can’t promise nothing bad will ever happen again. But the risk isn’t worth keeping yourself cut off emotionally.”

“I don’t know what to do. I have so many questions. Why did it happen? Why did I live?”

I inched closer and placed my hand on his shoulder. “I know this is hard for you. Let me help you. That’s all I want.”

“I can’t.” He stood up and took a few steps away.

“Why not?”

“Because, I love you so much, it hurts.”

How long I waited to hear him say those three words. How I dreamed of this day. I envisioned the look on his face and the kiss that would follow, romantic music playing in the background. In no way shape or form did I ever expect it to happen as he crushed my spirit.

My heart thundered against my chest and tears threatened to fall. It sounded like good news, but felt more like an ending than a beginning. Frustration overwhelmed me. “I don’t understand Jordan, what is it you want? Time? Take it. Distance? Fine.”

“You were right. This is getting us nowhere,” he stood and headed toward the door.

“She’s dead, Jordan.” He froze. “I’m so sorry.” A stray tear broke from my eye, “I’m sorry it happened. I’m sorry this is so hard for you.” I reached out to him, hoping a simple touch would help accentuate my point. “But you’re still alive.”

“Stephanie,” he pulled away, “I can’t be with you. I can never be with you!”

Befuddled, I tried to respond in a way that put no pressure on him. “I’m not asking you to. I just want to be your friend.”

“C’mon, you know you’ll never be satisfied being just friends. You’ll always want more. You’ll scrutinize every interaction, every touch.”

“I heard you loud and clear earlier today, but you couldn’t leave it at that.” I dug my nails into my palms, hoping to create a pain worse than the one in my heart. “You had to create a scene and insist on coming back here, just to play me like some sort of yo-yo, and end on exactly the same note.”

He stood toe to toe with me and rested his hands on my shoulders. “I owed you this. You needed to know how I feel about you,” his voice cracked, “but you’re right, the bottom line is the same.”

“Great. I’m glad we cleared that up. You want me out of your life? You’ve got it. No problem. I’ve been stuck here far too long.”

I turned my back on him. I hoped the literal action would support the figurative one. I knew I had to break away from him. I had to put aside the dream with the enchanted ending, the white horse and stone castle, and live in the real world. No matter how painful it promised to be.

“I do love you,” he tried to convince me.

I didn’t answer. I had nothing left to say. I felt his presence for a long while. I listened to him breathe, seeing his chest rise and fall with each breath, through my closed eyes. I wished he’d throw his arms around me in an attempt to soothe the ache in my heart. But it didn’t happen.

“I’m so sorry, Stephanie.”

Thirty

Sunday morning Maria knocked on my door ready for our standing Sunday brunch date. Every week we would go have brunch at a local diner and talk. Just the two of us. Once Rob came into the picture it became sacred. We both knew we could count on those few hours to ourselves.

She looked shocked to find me still in my pajamas lying in bed. It didn’t take long for her to catch on this was more than a simple disagreement.

“Did you oversleep?” She asked.

“No. I’m not going,” I answered.

“Are you sick?”

I shook my head. “I just don’t feel like going.”

“But you never miss Sunday brunch,” she said, surprised.

“Brunch is hereby cancelled indefinitely!” I snapped wanting to sound abrasive.

“Stephanie. Let me explain, I know you’ll understand why I didn’t say anything.” I heard something sad in her voice, sorrow, perhaps regret.

“Get the hell out of here!” I rolled over so my back was to her. “And don’t come back!”

I intended for my words to wound her and hoped I’d succeeded. For several minutes there were no sounds of movement. I didn’t turn to see for sure, but I felt her eyes on my back. Finally I heard her slow, plodding footsteps move away. She left, shutting the door behind her, only to make way for my mother.

Mom didn’t bother knocking which was unlike her. We had a firm understanding and respect for one another’s privacy. She just walked right in carrying a bundle of folded laundry.

I remained on my side, facing the wall, leaving my mother with a clear view of my back. She didn’t say anything. She didn’t need to. I got the hint she was upset when my clothes landed on my head.

“What’s the matter with you?” I yelled as I rolled over to give her a dirty look.

“I’m just acting like you.”
I grumbled under my breath and rolled back to the wall.

Mom wasn’t through. He mission of making me miserable had not yet been completed. She opened the window blinds at the head of the bed letting the blinding sunlight spill into the room.

“Shut the blinds,” I ordered.

“Not until you get out of that damn bed and get dressed.”

“Leave me alone!”

“I am sick and tired of giving into you because you’re in a bad mood. Things don’t always work out as we planned. It’s called life. Now get out of bed and deal with it.” With the snap of her wrist she pulled off my cozy, beige blanket, making me even angrier.

I ignored her, figuring if I did, she’d leave. I was right. After a moment of silence Mom gave up. She turned and left. I could read her like a book.

Unfortunately I hadn’t the foresight to know what the next chapter held. When Mom returned I decided to continue with my plan of action pretending she wasn’t there. It worked well, until I felt the chill of an ice cold glass of water being tossed over my head. This got me out of bed and quickly.

“What the hell did you do that for?” I asked wiping my face with a t-shirt hanging off the side of my pillow.

“Life is too short, Stephanie. You of all people know that first hand. The thing is, it’s so short you have to be careful it’s not over before you decide to live.”

She was getting philosophic, since when? Where did she come off? “I don’t like my life. I didn’t ask for it and I don’t want it.”