For Always (4 page)

Jordan stood on the ground next to the bus smiling smugly like nothing out of the ordinary happened. I kept my eyes glued on him. His arms motioned to me in a frantic manner. By the time I understood he wanted me to throw myself out the window as well, the bus doors opened.

Seeing how close I was to safety, I squeezed out of my seat and pushed my way into the aisle. I wasn’t far from the doors, but worried I might get trampled if I didn’t continue pushing forward. In less time than it felt like, I found myself jumping off the bottom step of the still smoking bus and running toward Jordan.

“Took you long enough,” he smirked with his arms crossed over his chest.

“What was I supposed to do? Jump?” I teased.

“I would’ve caught you,” his eyes locked with mine, a penetrating stare. A look so profound it touched something deep inside me. Not just my heart, my soul as well.

I swallowed hard picturing myself falling out the window into his waiting arms, sliding down the front of his long body, my lips passing only centimeters from his. If only I could go back and do it over again.

“But why? I mean how did you even know what to do?”

He chuckled like I told a funny joke. “That’s what emergency exits are for, Steph, emergencies.”

“But the bus wasn’t on fire,” I said, attempting to hide the fact that fear got the better of me. “It was just a little smoke.”

“Safety tip. When you see smoke run, never wait for fire.”

In practical matters, it seemed like good advice. He obviously had some experience with that. But I wondered if his little tip came from the sparks smoldering between us. If so, would they send him running?

Four

We walked the last five blocks to school talking about Jordan’s great escape off the bus. I still couldn’t convince him to tell me how he knew what to do.

“Read the signs,” he insisted. “It clearly says emergency exit above the window. How else do you think you would you get out?”

“I think you could use the doors,” I insisted.

“Stuck remember?”

I nodded. “Still, it seems so drastic. I mean to kick it out like that.”

He shook his head. “Nothing happened to the window. You know that right? The window isn’t broken.”

“I’m not an idiot, you know.”

He laughed.

As we entered the front doors of the school I felt my shoulders slump down. The elements had to align perfectly for such a strange and exciting morning. First Maria getting sick, then Jordan’s car being out of commission, and who could top a smoke filled bus? I felt the planets shift.

Baffled, I didn’t know what to do. We were only feet from his locker. Without Maria dragging me there so she could say hello to him, I didn’t feel comfortable just following him aimlessly. It was the first time all morning I felt awkward. I looked down, unable to meet his eyes.

I made the decision. End on a happy note and go straight to class. I cleared my throat. The bell hadn’t rung yet. I still had plenty of time to make it upstairs to my locker and toss my pocketbook and jacket in.

“See you.” I held up my hand and gave a small wave.

“That’s it?” His already large eyes doubled in size, “After we share a tragic, life altering event?” he turned and headed toward his locker, clearly intending for me to follow, which of course I did. “You’re just going to walk away, like this is just a regular day?”

“Life altering event?” I laughed. Just saying those words made me feel silly. “You mean when you so rudely pushed me aside to save yourself?” I teased.

“I only did it to pave the way for an easy escape for you.”

I laughed out loud. “You are so full of it.” I leaned my back against the locker next to his, watching his movements closely as he threw his jacket in and closed the door.

“And you love every minute of it,” he said, a large grin spread across his face.

I didn’t answer. Wanting to show my disagreement, I looked up at him through my eyelashes, trying to portray an air of protest.

Jordan’s eyes locked on mine. He took a small step toward me, bringing us toe to toe. My pulse quickened. I forced myself not to break eye contact, no matter how much my fluttering belly wanted me to.

Losing himself in the moment Jordan placed his hands next to my shoulders on the locker behind me. His black eyes pierced mine. The intensity of his stare made me weak in the knees. I prayed my limbs were strong enough to support me. He moved one hand and brushed back a lock of hair from the side of my face with his fingers.

His touch left a tingly trail on my skin, I liked it. I inhaled deeply realizing I liked it, too much.

He wanted to kiss me. I saw it. I felt it. I knew it. I’d never been so certain of another person’s intent. My heart thumped and pounded to an erratic rhythm while I anticipated the moment when our lips would touch.

The loud metal slamming of the locker next to us startled Jordan. His head snapped to the right, and mine followed. Coming back to full awareness of where we were, his arms fell to his sides. Without a word, he stepped back and turned toward the hall we had just come from.

I couldn’t move.

Or breathe.

Or think.

My chest felt heavy and full, like it was going to explode. I wanted to reach out and pull him back. I couldn’t, even if he were close enough to reach. I felt my hands shake. I squeezed my books hard, hoping that would keep him from noticing.

“C’mon.” He looked back and found I hadn’t moved.

“Where are we going?” I wished he’d say something enticing, like behind the gym bleachers, or into the graphic arts room (I heard many romances flourished there). I had to stop thinking like that. It sent an unfamiliar heat surging through my body.

He snickered, like he could visibly see how affected by him I was. I felt chagrined, certain my face was a nice deep shade of red to go along with the rapid increase in temperature I felt under my skin.

“To your locker,” he answered as the bell rang. Then he stood still and put his hand out for me to go first. “Lead the way.”

I did. I walked as quickly as I could to my locker. Jordan escorted me to my first class and rumpled my hair as he left. I knew today’s classes were a waste. No way could I wrap my mind around Pythagorean theorems, when all I could think of was wrapping my arms around Jordan.

My infatuation with Jordan consumed me entirely. I couldn’t deny it any longer or play it cool around him. My mind drifted, replaying the scene down at his locker. I’d never felt an attraction that sent my stomach tumbling with wild excitement, or my heart leaping at a simple touch.

Thinking about him sent an ache through my body. I closed my eyes and summoned his image before me. How easily I could envision his dark hair sweeping down just above his black-as-night eyes, and his fresh, clean scent. How I longed to breathe in that familiar fragrance.

He possessed me. All I could think of, all I wanted, it all came back to Jordan. I decided on a new purpose for my school day. Like a stalker fixated on a prey, I needed to search him out, know where he was at all times. I could find his classes and figure out in relation to mine, how I could possibly pass him in the hall. With my eyes open wide, I bounded from class to class, like a super bouncy ball, waiting for our next encounter.

I tried to snap myself out of the insanity paralyzing my brain. I felt like the person I’d been my entire life, had been overtaken by an invading force I couldn’t fight. But I didn’t want to fight. I liked the mania rushing through me.

A soft voice whispered a warning in my head. I pushed the thought back into the recesses of my mind and locked it away there. Nothing wrong or bad could happen on this day. I’d been doused with a bright white light. The world around me seemed to change. Colors looked brighter, more vibrant. The people meandering through the halls looked friendlier than they had since school started.

Unfortunately there was no sign of Jordan at dismissal. Purposely I passed his locker on my way out. He wasn’t there. I scanned the throng of people crowding the front doors of the school, making their way toward freedom. Nothing. Even at the bus stop I searched, only to be disappointed.

By the time I got home some of the opiate effect of my eventful morning started to wear off. I didn’t mind. At least I felt I could concentrate on preparing dinner with enough clarity to not burn the house down.

Homework took longer than usual. I had to keep pulling my attention from the romantic scenes and imaginary dialogue running through my mind. After dinner I locked myself in my room, under the guise of studying. Instead I began to plan for the coming day.

I set out my clothes, a tight sweater and skirt. Mentally I planned my path in case I didn’t see him before the bell rang, or if I lost my nerve and didn’t go to his locker in the morning.

Maria still didn’t feel well; she’d be out of school at least one more day. It gave me an excuse to avoid her at home too. Not only did it give me an opportunity to see what possibilities existed with Jordan, but it also meant I didn’t have to worry about her passing judgment on me either.

Plus, deep down I knew if she’d been around this morning, (I grimaced thinking about it) she probably would’ve made it her business to sit with Jordan. I might have gotten stuck sitting next to Jonah. I shook off the image. It was better with her home sick for now.

I closed my eyes and wondered if he’d be on the bus again. I hoped he would. And when he did see me again, how would he act? Remembering the mesmerizing look in his eyes by the lockers, I didn’t think he could ignore me. Not that he ever did, so why should he now? Either way I promised myself I wouldn’t let him off the hook. I’d make sure he knew I was there. Things changed since that night at the movie theater.

And then I realized what exactly had changed.

Me.

Five

I was dressed and showered before the alarm even sounded. My mother knocked on my bedroom door and almost fainted when she came in and found me putting make-up on.

“Are you feeling okay?” She asked leaning on the door jamb, a cup of coffee in her hand.

“Fine,” I answered with a smile.

“Couldn’t sleep?” She looked confused. I knew she was trying to figure out what had me so energized.

“Just want to make sure I’m not late for school.” I couldn’t sell that bridge to myself.

Mom took a seat on my bed and scrutinized me closely while sipping her morning Joe. Her eyes narrowed and her lips drew up into a smile. “You met a boy, didn’t you?”

“I’m in high school, Mom. I’ve met a lot of boys.” Not really, but she didn’t need to know that.

She shook her head, “I mean someone special. Someone you’re interested in.”

I looked away examining my reflection. I didn’t want to tell her about Jordan. I didn’t know how she would react to his age. Since he thought so much of it, maybe she would too.

“What’s the big deal about me actually waking up on time for once?” I sounded a little bratty, but I didn’t care. I wanted her to back off.

“Okay,” she said getting to her feet, not believing for a minute my sudden transformation didn’t have anything to do with a particular male specimen.

I concentrated on walking at a slow pace to the bus stop. I didn’t want to appear too anxious and eager to see him. Nor did I want to look sweaty and disheveled. I had a funny fluttery feeling in my stomach. I knew I would see Jordan.

It didn’t happen at the bus stop.

The same old crowd interacted playfully in front of his house. Two guys and three girls I’d seen regularly since school started. One of the girls, a thin blonde was piggybacking on the taller boys back. Clearly, from the way they contortioned themselves to kiss in that position, they were together. The others teased them mercilessly until the girl jumped down to the ground.

I became acutely aware of how alone I was. No Maria. No Jordan. No friends to talk to or joke with. A pang of loneliness stabbed at my heart.

I looked back at Jordan’s house. No car. No movement.

The rumbling engine roared to a halt in front of the high spirited group of friends. I had to make a decision quick. Get on the bus and to school on time, or let it pass on a wish and a prayer. I climbed the steps and walked on the bus.

I ambled through the halls like a turtle on valium. Moving leisurely, looking all around, while at the same time trying to be inconspicuous. No sign of Jordan at his locker. No sign of Jordan at his first class. A wave of paranoia crept into the folds of my brain.

He was avoiding me.

Each of my morning classes dragged. In each of the three periods I had before lunch my leg jiggled, while I doodled swirly patterns over my loose leaf paper, waiting for the time to pass. Every minute or so my eyes jumped to the clock on the wall, making certain the minute hand wasn’t stuck in place, until the class finally ended.

I headed for the cafeteria and made my way over to the food counter. After picking up a bagel with cream cheese, an apple, and a bottle of water, I found an empty table close to the doors of the cafeteria. This spot was always empty, but Maria would never agree to sit there. I put myself at the end of the table, close to the wall and wondered why no one else occupied this wonderfully isolated spot.

I didn’t bother to look for Jordan. I knew we didn’t have the same lunch period. With my eyes downcast, staring at my food, I realized I wasn’t very hungry. Rather, what I hungered for couldn’t be satiated with fruit or carbs. Besides, I felt too disheartened and disappointed to eat.

I pulled a sketch pad and a pencil from my backpack. I made sure they were close at all times these days. Usually I found solace in them. After a few deep breaths, I closed my eyes and brought an image of a park to mind. I knew if I concentrated hard enough, I’d be able to envision the details of leaves on the trees.

Once I locked into the zone and blocked out the noise and chaos around me, the rest would come easy. I could retreat to my safe haven, where I felt strong and in control. Creating something only I could envision would transport me to the secret place I half-created, half-found accidentally, while sketching a bowl of fruit in art class.

I zeroed into my task completely, sitting quietly and losing myself to the tranquility I found whenever I drew. As my pencil moved across the smooth paper, the commotion of the cafeteria faded completely.

I didn’t notice anyone approach my table. I barely noticed someone near me clear their throat. And then I heard the noise again, louder this time. Still I didn’t take my eyes off my work.

“Are you too good to eat with the rest of us?”

My mind slammed back to reality. I brightened as I looked up from my book. I looked into Jordan’s sparkling black eyes and wondered how he managed to get so close, his hands folded on the table next to me, without me noticing. I felt my flushing face give away how glad I was to see him.

“What are you doing here?” I asked, giddy as a thief alone in a vault full of money.

“Technically I’m not here.”

“Technically?” I asked not understanding.

“My supposedly fixed car broke down on the way to school. By the time the repair shop picked it up and I got here,” he went on to explain, “It was well after classes started. I’d already been marked absent, so I decided to spend my day in the cafeteria, at least as much of it as I can get away with.”

“Won’t you get in trouble?”

He laughed. “If anyone asks why I’m not in class, I can simply say I just got here and I’m waiting for next period so I don’t interrupt class. My mother already knows I’m late because I called her when the car died. I’ve been at that table,” he pointed to a table across the cafeteria, “since last period, what’s a couple more?”

He had it all figured out. I’d be too frightened to cut class, even if I had a good excuse.

“Steph, why are you eating alone?” He asked, surprised. “Come sit with us.”

I looked again to where he came from, to try and ascertain who “us” was. Once I realized he’d been sitting with a group of girls sending hostile looks my way, I graciously declined. I recognized two of the girls from middle school. While they’d been immensely popular in middle school, they didn’t rule the roost here. Still I knew how heartless and mean they could be.

“Sorry,” I said. “But I’m not interested.”

He leaned back, like I’d dealt him a physical blow. “Not interested?” He asked shocked.

“In joining your harem,” I clarified, motioning to his groupies. “Isn’t that what you wanted?”

“A harem,” he grinned as one of his eyebrows rose, “now that sounds like an idea.”

We both chuckled and I let out the long breath I’d held while waiting for his reaction.

“Hey Stephanie,” I loved when he said my name. It sounded so pretty when he said it. “Didn’t you and Jennifer go to the same school?” he asked.

I nodded, “And Christine,” I added.

“Do you know if Jennifer has a boyfriend?”

I couldn’t swallow. He liked her? I wanted to punch him in the ribs. Of all the insensitive things! How dare he ask that? I plastered a smile on my face. I would not let him see how much that hurt.

“I don’t know,” I replied.

“Don’t worry, I’ll find out,” he assured me with a pat on the back.

Like I would toss and turn all night not knowing.

“See you,” I turned my attention back to my book, doing my best to keep it together.

He reached out and tugged at me encouragingly, “Come on, sit with us.”

I looked over at the table. Jennifer and Christine were rolling their eyes, glaring at me.

“Nah,” I shook my head, “I’ll meet up with you later.”

Somehow in those few seconds I focused on Jordan and not his fan club, Jennifer decided to come get him. She sashayed over, in her skin tight jeans and even tighter shirt. She kept her focus fixated on Jordan and ignored me, like I didn’t exist at all. Jennifer’s lips extended into a venomous grin, while her eye lashes fluttered flirtatiously. Jordan didn’t resist as she grasped his hand and swung it playfully.

“We miss you,” she spoke in a phony, saccharine tone.

Jordan looked back at me apologetically as she pulled him away, making sure to wiggle and shake as much as possible with every movement.

“Why do you want to hang out with her? She’s so weird,” Jennifer said in a very loud whisper only two feet away from me, for my benefit more than his. I understood her motivation. She was sending me a message: keep away from Jordan.

I looked down, not wanting anyone to notice my eyes getting watery. I’d grown accustomed to pretending I didn’t hear the whispering and jeering behind my back. High school was supposed to be different. I thought it was a new start with a slew of people I didn’t know. People who didn’t know me.

I hated my middle school classmates. All of them. Especially those two. They were poison to the soul. Shallow and mean. They needed to take a good long look in the mirror. Jennifer was so skinny she looked like her insides were sucking her outsides in. And let me not forget Nosey Christine. Her honker resembled that of Cyrano De Bergerac. But sill they managed to mock anyone in their line of sight. They did it for years. And what did they have to show for it?

Jordan’s attention. The only thing in the world I wanted.

The scoffing behind my back didn’t faze me anymore. The long looks and laughter that broke out when I’d pass them was a fact of life. They loved to talk behind people’s backs, mine especially, because I never fought back. But now they went too far. They did it in front of Jordan. This meant war. I wanted revenge and began to rack my mind immediately of ways to humiliate them.

And then it hit me. I’d been so completely focused on hating them I didn’t hear Jordan’s response. Perhaps he too, laughed at me. After all, if he wanted to impress Jennifer (I prayed he didn’t), he would naturally join in the taunting. That’s how it went down in Middle School. Boys I was friends with turned on me the second they thought they had a shot with her. I tried to put them out of my head, all of them, telling myself it was for the best. Better to find out his true colors now than make a fool of myself over him.

A hand reached across my pad and startled me. Jordan picked up my apple and took a bite before sitting next to me once again. I caught him stealing a look at my work, smiling.

“You’re really good,” he said.

“Nah.” I turned a little embarrassed, wondering what could have possibly brought him back. “It’s just a silly hobby.” I turned the pages and closed the book so he couldn’t take a closer look and change his mind.

Jordan snatched my sketch book from me and stood. I sucked in a deep breath, horrified, and jumped up reaching for my pad.

“You want this?” He asked raising one eyebrow, holding it up just out of my reach.

“Give it back!” I ordered, rage blazing in my eyes.

“Come and get it,” he smirked and darted around to the other side of the table.

I couldn’t fathom Jordan capable of such a treacherous act. Even with his present choice of company, I thought better of him. I believed we were friends, or something close to it. I felt my cheeks get hot from anger and embarrassment. My hands began to tremble.

I couldn’t help myself, I glanced over at the table he came from, thinking this a prank they put him up to, but they weren’t gloating or smiling. They looked annoyed. I’m certain they hoped he’d throw my things in the trash can, or shred the pad into pieces. Far worse than that would be if he were to riffle through the pages and make fun of how bad the pictures were. I didn’t think I could bear it.

“What’s this?” Jordan opened to a horse in mid-prance I’d sketched it from a picture I saw in a magazine, and turned it out toward me.

“I want it now, Jordan!”

“I bet you do,” he joked. “Did you draw this?”

I looked behind me. The girls from his table made their way over, all but Jennifer and Christine. Maybe it was the look of admiration I thought I saw in his eyes, or the looks of amazement on the other girls’ faces, but I wanted them all to know. I was proud of my work and I didn’t think they could do any better.

“Yes.” I stated with more confidence than I actually had, “All of them.”

“Why didn’t you ever let anyone know you could draw like that?” Christine asked.

Shocked that she came too, and had something sort of pleasant, at least not mean to say, I shrugged.

Jordan turned the pages and commented on each of the pictures, allowing the others to see as well. He asked question after question, when did I start? How often do I draw? Then questions came from the others. He sat back with a smile on his face and let me shine.