For Now (Broken Promises #1) (6 page)

Jesus that feels good.

“When you told me you had to go meet your friend for dinner?” I whisper, remembering him rushing out right after the shoot and getting in a car I didn’t recognize. “Who picked you up?”

He sighs and shakes his head.

“Kaleb,” he says. “He just dropped me off. Bray met me there and sat with me through everything he could.”

“Why’d you let him in and not me?” It hurts, and I don’t want to cry again, but everything today seems to have fallen down around me and I’m slowly trying to crawl out of the rubble in one piece. It’s not looking pretty, though. When he huffs and shakes his head I see him starting to build his walls again… the walls that kept me out the first time.

“He forced his way in, Al. I wasn’t going to even go to the doctor… Shit, I’m not even sure if I’m glad I did right about now. “

“Don’t say that.” I sit up, resting my hand on his arm.

“I mean it. I wouldn’t be this worried about shit and rethinking everything I ever did if I never knew.”

“Jesus, Lane… if you never found out I would’ve found you dead one day and never knew why!” I slap his arm and try to move my legs away from him, pissed that he could be that selfish. His hands tighten around my ankles, though, and he groans.

“Please, just listen to me, Al.” He moves his gaze to my eyes finally, and I see the tears threatening to spill over his eyelids. “Please.”

“Fine... I’m all ears.” I slump back down, rage, hurt, anger, and fear rolling through me. He takes a moment to compose his thoughts, then he finally opens up to me. He finally talks about what I can tell he’s been avoiding this whole time.

“There’s a lot I’ve done in my life. A lot I’m proud of, and some I’m not. I’ve done things I wish I never would have done, and there are things I wish I would’ve done a long time ago and never did. I left my family years ago and haven’t looked back… I haven’t had contact with them since I walked out their front door almost ten years ago. I don’t know what my brother looks like, I don’t know if any of them are still alive or in jail or what.”

“It’s not too late-”

“I’m not finished.” He whispers a curse then sighs and shakes his head. “Come here,” he says, pulling me up by my arm.

I sit up and don’t put up a fight as he lifts me up to sit on his lap. The knot growing in my throat is almost painful because of my trying to get it to go away. He takes his hands and rests them on the side of my face. When he closes his eyes and rests his forehead on mine I feel a tear slip down my cheek. I’ve never known Lane to be this open with anyone. This is too real. He’s hurting and I’m being selfish. Why am I mad at him? He’s scared right now, and I’m being a bitch to him. My hands instinctively go to his arms as we sit here, foreheads touching, breaths synced, for what feels like a lifetime. In a hushed tone, he finally starts talking.

“I didn’t want to tell you right away… not because I don’t want you to know… but because I couldn’t stand the thought of you hurting for no reason.” His voice a raw whisper, he takes a breath and backs his head away, his thumbs gently caressing my cheek. I’m in awe of this man right now. Lane Sheridan, my best friend on this planet and the man I’m madly in love with, is hurting so bad and I can’t do anything to help him.
Fuck this hurts.
“I was going to tell you, Al. I promise. I was going to call you tonight. I was going to come over and tell you. In person. I just… I couldn’t make you worry if it were for nothing.”

“I’m your best friend, Lane. I can handle it,” I whisper, resting my hands on his.

He shakes his head and gently chuckles, his hands moving to my thighs, squeezing gently.

“You don’t get it do you?” He asks, his hands returning to cup my face. “I love you, Al.” His voice not pained anymore, his eyes brighter than I’ve seen them in days. My heart is practically beating out of my chest and I think I’ve stopped breathing.

“What?” I whisper, eyes wide, watching a single tear slip down his cheek. Shaking my head, I feel myself start to cry and can’t hold it back anymore. I’ve waited years to hear those words come from his lips. “Please don’t, Lane. Don’t just say this because you think it’s what I want to hear.”

“I’d never do anything to hurt you on purpose, Al. Ever. I promise.” He shakes his head gently, his thumb tracing my bottom lip as I stare in awe, still trying to grasp on to what’s happening.

The minute he starts to move in for a kiss the door busts open and in barges Braydon with the worst timing ever.

“Jesus, those assholes are slow!” he announces as he drags in two wet bags of food. “It’s pouring out there, too, guys. Alexis you’re not leaving anytime soon,” he says, walking into the living room. All I can do it sit in Lane’s lap, staring into his wide eyes, and watch the smirk start across his face.

Lane

Bray’s always had the absolute worst timing ever, and he’s proven that twice now. Well… worst for me. I’m sure if he had it his way he’d have had Al already, but he’s not dumb… I’ve never told him, but he knows how I feel about her and if he doesn’t, then he should. I can’t stop myself from grinning, because saying those damn words finally took a weight off my shoulder. The look on her face when I said them made everything less stressful today.

Relief.

She was happy for a brief second, her lips felt so soft under my thumb and all I could think was how perfect they would feel to kiss, but of course, Braydon had to ruin that moment.

“What’s going on?” he asks, entering the room with a beer in hand. His eyes take in the sight in front of him and he cocks his head then grins. I’m sure it’s a sight, too. Al’s hair is a mess from me running my hands through it, her eyes are still locked on mine looking like she just got caught doing something very wrong, and she’s still straddling my lap. It’s a good thing, too, because I’m starting to sport some serious wood. “’Bout fucking time,” he mutters, then sits in the rocker across the room and crosses his ankle over his knee. “BUT,” he shouts, making Al jump and laugh. She slides off my lap gently, grinning as her leg brushes over my attraction to her.

“What?” I say, mimicking his crossed legs so he doesn’t notice the tent popping up.

“You guys talk it all out I guess?” He takes a sip of his beer, eyeing me curiously. He wouldn’t do anything about it right now, but I know the minute she leaves I’ll be getting the third degree from him.

“We talked about everything up until today. I know some things, but I don’t know everyhing the doctor told you guys,” Alexis speaks up, hopping up to grab a beer. “You want anything?” she asks me.

“No, I’m ok,” I say. Truth is, hangovers are ten times worse lately so it’s not really worth it. Maybe it’s got something do with the cancer.

“Well… I can tell you that Mr. Beautiful over there wasn’t paying much attention to the good ol’ doc today.” Braydon taps his temple, taking another drink. “I managed to maintain pretty much everything he said.”

“Then you can enlighten me as to what we’re facing here. A few weeks of chemo? Radiation? Pills?”

Braydon shakes his head and finishes his beer, then leans forward with his elbows on his knees.

“Late stage pancreatic cancer. It’s me
tastasized, meaning the
cancer resides in multiple organs. There’s a fear it might have spread to the brain and bones already, hence the bone scan and what-not scheduled for tomorrow.”

Alexis gasps at the mention of it being that far… that bad. I heard the doctor’s words, I remember everything that he told me, but it’s all starting to hit home that this might be it. This could be the end of my life and I’m not fucking ready. That damn ball is back in my throat and I want to claw it out. Now’s not the time for tears.

“What’s all this mean?” Al’s voice is merely a pained whisper, breaking my heart.  I reach over and take her hand, trying to convey that I’m not scared shitless about this. Braydon shrugs and shakes his head. I know my best friend, and I know he puts up walls the minute things start to get tough. He cares, he’s just not good at showing it.

“It means we take this thing day by day. He’s going to have to learn to eat differently and healthier… no more late night burger trips,” he chuckles. “If it’s chemo and radiation that it takes to beat this, then that’s what we do.”

“I can’t do radiation and chemo and shit, Bray. I have a job that requires certain physical attributes to be present. Like hair. And muscles. Those treatments kill all of that.”

“Yea, bro… and it also kills the cancer inside of you that’s trying to kill you! This late in the game pancreatic cancer can be deadly if not attacked hard and fast.”

A sob escapes Alexis with Braydon’s brash terms.

“Jesus, man,” I huff.

“You have to do it, Lane,” she whispers, her teary eyes finding mine. “We’ll figure out job and money shit. That doesn’t even matter… we need you. I… I need you.” A tear slips down her cheek.

“God, you two suck.” It’s one thing for me to be on my own and not have to worry about feelings and shit. It’s another to see the woman I love and my best friend giving me the look that their entire world will be crushed if I don’t try to save myself.

If I don’t try to beat this.

“We love you, man. I don’t wanna see you die before it’s your time, and it most definitely isn’t your time right now.”

Braydon stands up and grabs the food from the table, placing our meals in front of us.

“I knew your body isn’t going to like the spicy stuff, so I grabbed the mellowest meal I could find for you,” he says, sliding over my dinner

Braydon’s not a bad guy at all. He’s looking out for his best friend. He may be brash, but he’s the whole reason I’m going to beat this. Him and Alexis are my backbone.

Together we can do this.

By the time we’ve eaten everything he brought back I’m ready for bed, but it’s still pouring rain outside.

“Bray, can you take me home? I left my car at the hospital earlier and  don’t feel like taking a cab to go get it.” Al yawns, stretching her arms over her head. Her shirt rides up just enough to show the gentle curve of her stomach and I have to adjust myself before I start getting incredibly uncomfortable in my own pants. I might have cancer, but I’m still a red-blooded man.

“I don’t want to go out in this shit, Al. Can’t you just crash here?” He nods at the couch as they clean up from dinner. A job they wouldn’t let me do.

“Stay, Alexis. We’ll get you to your car in the morning. Or something,” I mumble, getting up. After sitting for that long my entire body hurts, and I feel like I’m going to hurl from that meal. It tasted great, but I’m coming to find out that the better it tastes the worse it makes me feel.

“You sure?”

“Absolutely,” I smile, wanting to kiss her so fucking badly. And I would… I will… but now’s not the time. Not when I feel like hurling.

“Great. I’m heading up. Night, assholes.” Braydon lets himself out. I hear Alexis close the door behind him, leaving us staring at each other across the room.

“Thanks,” she says, a slight smile on her beautiful lips.

“I love having you here,” I say, slowly making my way to her, trying not to let the pain in my back with every step show.

“I’m glad,” she whispers when I make it to her. “I love hearing you use that word.”

“What, here?” I grin.

“No, jerk… Love.”

“Oh… get used to it, Al. I love you. You’ll love me back one day, I’m not worried about it.”

I am. I’m worried I won’t live to see the day, but I can’t let her know that.

“I already do, Lane.” One single fucking tear slips down her cheek and lands on her lips so I instinctively reach out and wipe it away, slowly registering what she just said.

“Can you say it again?”

It’s insane, all the fear and pain I feel goes away when I’m touching her.

“I’m already in love with you, Lane Sheridan.”

“Damnit, Al… really?” I can’t entirely believe this. “How long?”

“Um.. years?”

“Years, Al!?” I laugh, then, ignoring the pain, grab her and pull her to me, not giving her any time to think before slamming my lips to hers.

Jesus Christ.

I’ve wondered what these lips felt like for years, and now that I’m finally learning, I don’t want to ever let them go. Soft, a hint of lip-gloss covering them, she parts them gently for me as I don’t stop kissing her.

I can’t.

Her hands find my hair and she slides her fingers through it, resting her hands there as neither of us make a move to slow down. She tastes like perfection, like what I’ve been waiting for all these years.

Why have I waited so long?

I want to take this further… I want to make her mine.. but my body has other plans. I feel it starting, the pain, but I try to push it away. She tastes too perfect. It doesn’t go away, it only gets stronger. It’s only moments before I’m breaking my lips from her and attempting to compose myself, but it’s no use. The pain searing through my back brings my nausea to the surface and I have to bolt to the bathroom before I get sick right there in front of her.

Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.

“You okay, Lane?”

“Yea,” I groan, hunched over the toilet about ready to hurl, but unable to make anything happen. Sometimes I think if I throw up it’d just make it all go away, but I know that’s not the case.

“Can I get you anything?”

“I’m ok, thanks.” I know I’m being short with her but I need to compose myself. That was fucking embarrassing. This is why I shouldn’t have told her all that… I shouldn’t have spilled my guts to her because I’m over here dying and I’m not going to be able to ever be a proper boyfriend to her.

Fuck!

After washing up and controlling my emotions, I head back out to see her curled up on the couch, playing on her phone.

“Hey,” I say, standing in the doorway.

I don’t want her on the couch. I want her with me. In my bed. I need to be able to see her, touch her, smell her. I need her.

“Hi,” she says, sitting up quickly. I guess I surprised her.

“Sorry about that,” I say, rubbing my neck. “I’m gonna head to bed…”

“Oh... okay. I’ll grab a blanket when I’m ready to pass out,” she whispers, mustering up a smile for me.

“I… do you just want to come in bed with me? I’m not much of a companion right now… but the bed’s much more comfortable than that couch.”

Her smile brightens and she nods her head and my heart suddenly feels a slight bit happier.

“I’d love to.”

“There’s that word again, Al.” I grin as we walk to my bedroom.

“I guess we’re just going to have to get used to saying it,” she shrugs.

I guess so. And just the thought makes me smile.

We curl into bed together after she throws on an old t-shirt and pair of my boxers to sleep in. Her body's warm against mine, and if I didn’t feel like shit right now I’d be trying to make her mine officially, but right now it just feels nice having her in my arms.

I’m not sure how many nights like this I’m going to get, but I’ll be damned if I let any of them slip out of my hands.

Tomorrow starts a new life for me. A life of more pain, needles, doctors, and trying to work through all of it. My mind is racing at everything I need to do.

I need to tell my friends. Or do I? I mean… it’s going to get out to the media that I have cancer, right? Is there even a way to keep it from them? I need to get all my shit in order for when the end does come… I don’t want my money just sitting in a bank, rotting. I want it to go to the people I love. The two people in this world I care about most.

Soon, Alexis’s breathing evens out and her light snores fill the silence in my room. I want this forever. I’ve wanted this forever, but now that she’s here I feel even more like I never want her to leave. I never want her away from me, because having her here with me makes me feel better. She makes me feel whole. Like I’m not dying. Like I can live forever. Even though I know that’s not the case.

Sure, I know people beat cancer all the time. I know that if treated early enough there are high chances to beat this and live a full life… but I know that mine wasn’t caught early enough. And, even though it’s been years, I know what my family went through when my uncle  was diagnosed with this same disease. I’m not stupid. I know this is hereditary and I know I should have been looking out for it earlier, but they are the last thing on my mind anymore.