For Now (Broken Promises #1) (7 page)

Alexis

Waking up in his arms this morning was the best feeling I’ve ever experienced. Sure in the years I’ve known him I’ve slept next to him a handful of times, but the way we slept last night was definitely not a way friends would sleep. His hand wrapped around me at some point in the night resting perfectly on my breast, his face pressed softly in the crook of my neck… he was as close to me as he could have possibly gotten last night. In the middle of the night a pain attack happened, waking us both. I wanted to cry but I didn’t. I felt so terrible for him and there was nothing I could do but hold him. Hold him and pray for it to end. Hold him and pray for the treatments to work.

And here we sit, now.  After an entire day of scans and tests and having to answer angry emails from photographers about missing shoots, we finally make it back to Lane’s apartment just before dark. He’s been quiet all day which is understandable, but I can’t help but worry that he’s still not decided to go on with the treatments. He’s supposed to wait for a few test results to come back in the next couple of days then hopefully start treatment early next week. He’s been warned of side effects of everything and just nodded every time the doctor updated us on findings and shit like that. It’s all a lot to take in, and even with me and Braydon there with him, I’m sure we’re going to forget things.

Hell, the list of things he needs to watch out for when eating and the activities he shouldn’t be doing is enough to boggle someone’s mind. The fact that I have to remember all this for him because he blanks out during the meetings with the doctor is even harder. Braydon’s been a great support for both of us today, I just hope it stays this way.

“You hungry?” I ask him as he lays down on the couch. I’ve never seen him this reserved… this quiet. He’s my Lane. He’s always the one to ask first, talk first, and do first. Right now, with the way he’s just laying on the couch, worries me that he’s giving up before he truly has a grasp on things. They haven’t even given him any outlooks yet.

“No thanks,” he mumbles.

“You doing okay?” I ask, peeking my head around the corner. He looks up at me from the spot his head is resting and shakes his head. Silently, he nods his head, inviting me to join him, so I do. I lay down next to him and he immediately wraps his arms around me. I’ve waited so long to be able to have moments like this with him. Not fast paced. Not friendly. Pure love. His head rests on my shoulder as I look up at him.

“You’re going to get through this, Lane,” I whisper, playing with his hair. He just nods. Silently, he leans in and lays the gentlest of kisses on my lips, bringing out an emotion in me I need to hold at bay until I’m home. There’s no need for him to see my tears right now.

“I will try,” he says gently. “I’m going to try, but I feel… I feel like it’s no use, Al.”

“Don’t say that. The bone scans still have to come back, there’s still a chance it hasn’t spread everywhere and they’ll be able to get you through this, but you have to believe, Lane.” I feel like I’m begging him, but I can’t have him giving up before he even begins. “I need you in my life,” I manage, before letting a single tear slip down my cheek.

His thumb swipes my tear away and he sighs. I can’t even imagine what’s going through is mind right now. I’m sure he’s got a million things running through it, and he’s the type of person that’s going to hold it in until he’s ready to talk about them so I know better than to push for it. I wonder if he’s thought about his family? That’s one area of his life I’m not entirely clear on, but he’s never opened up about them. Some people have things in their past they’d just rather not talk about, and I know that’s one of them for Lane.

“You know,” he sighs and shifts up to rest on his elbow. His couch is so huge but I instinctively move closer to him. Just his smell is intoxicating. Staring into his bright blue eyes, I wait for him. “I didn’t have my life planned out. There wasn’t a timeline of ‘I have to do this, and this and this by the time I’m thirty’. I’m a ‘live in the moment’ man.”

“I know.” I smile. “That’s why I love you. You love life and don’t let the small things get to you.”

“Right… I used to be able to do that. But now? Now that… well… I mean now that I have fucking cancer.” He huffs, shaking his head. “There’s so many things I regret,” he whispers. His eyes flicking from my eyes to my lips and finally the feelings I get as his lips push eagerly to mine are pure and complete arousal. No sadness here.

As his lips gently caress mine, and his tongue slips to mine, I feel the heat start to build. Fast. I’ve been with men before, but being with Lane is like finally opening up a well-aged whiskey and being able to savor it. I’ve waited so long that as much as I want to be with him, I also don’t want to rush it. I don’t know how much time I’m going to have with him, so I want every moment to last.

“I’ve always wanted to do this,” he murmurs, moving his lips down my neck. I feel the wetness between my legs and have to stop myself from ripping his clothes off. As his lips gently caress their way down my neck, his hand slowly makes its way up and under my shirt. “Shit, Al.” he whispers as his fingers find my pert nipple.

I can’t talk. I have no words for the feelings rolling through me. I’ve never loved someone like I love Lane, I’ve never felt this strong for anyone before, and giving him my body feels so much more raw than it is when it’s just sex with someone. I’m giving him more than my body. I’m giving him my heart and soul. I’m giving him all of me, every piece, and though I know that the outcome of the tests today may come back terrible and possibly ruin me, I’m not holding anything back.

“Let’s go to the bedroom.” His voice is raw as he sits up and helps me off the couch.

“Are you sure you’re up for this?” I stupidly ask. He was so tired earlier… I don’t want to wear him out.

“I’ll tell you what I’m up for,” he grins, glancing down at his hardened cock, straining to get out of his pants. “I’m up for you, Al. All of you. I’m up to touch you, taste you, and make love to you.”

He has me speechless with his words. With my mouth gaping, I’m not sure whether I want to jump him and strip him here or strip my clothes off and beg him to fuck me.

“No-one’s ever made love to me before,” I whisper, shocked at his domineering behavior.

Shocked, and completely turned on.

“That’s because you’ve never been with me, Al. I’m not just any man. I love you. All of you. The good and the bad… and I can’t fucking wait to praise this gorgeous body.” Without any more words, he grabs my hand and pulls me to the bedroom with a grunt. Practically slinging me to the door after slamming it shut, his lips crash into mine as his hands start to undress me as fast as they can.

All reserve and patience is lost on me as I do the same.

Within mere seconds, we’re rolling onto the bed, completely bared to each other, body parts twisting and touching. I want to taste him, but he must have the same thought because he pins me down and grins at me as his hand snakes down to my core and gently starts rubbing just around my clit, but not actually touching it, driving me insane.

“Jesus, Lane,” I gasp when his fingers suddenly pinch my clit. He grins and groans, slipping one, then two fingers inside me. I reach down to grab for his hand, just wanting him to stay there for a while… he feels so fucking good. Tsk’ing at me, he takes my hands and pins them above my head as his fingers curl inside me, hitting my g-spot damn near perfectly.

“Fuck!” I scream when his teeth come around my nipple.

“That a girl,” he says, smiling at me. “So fucking beautiful, Al. I’ve waited so fucking long for this. Shit,” he huffs. “I never want to stop touching you.”

“I need you to fuck me, Lane,” I say, my eyes pleading with him. I need him in me. I need to feel that connection.

“I’m not going to fuck you, Al. I told you that. I’ll fuck you another day… today I want to make love to you.” He moves between my legs and slowly but steadily pushes inside me. I feel his girth spread me and groan.

Fuck. I’ve heard he was big, but I’ve never really known how big. He’s stretching me just to the point of pain, and every small push forward I feel a little more bliss boiling to pure perfection. By the time he’s fully in me I’m panting and trying not to cum already.

“I love you, Alexis.” He whispers, his blue eyes find mine and don’t break contact as he slowly pulls out and pushes back in.

“Oh god,” I moan, pressing my face into the pillow on the side of me to stifle the screams. “I love you too, Lane.”

His methodical push and pull, the way his fingers of his free hand find my clit while his other hand keeps my arms firmly planted above my head, have me close to coming mere minutes after starting.

“Not yet, baby,” he growls, removing his hand from my clit and leaning down to kiss me. I’m not sure what position this is, the way our limbs are tangled, but it hits every perfect fucking spot, and as he makes the sweetest love to me possible I come completely unhinged.

“Fuck, Lane!” I manage right before his lips crash to mine and he swallows my screams. When the orgasm starts I feel it, exploding out from my core and buzzing straight through my body, leaving me completely hopeless and wrapped in his arms as he rides out his own release.

With numb fingers, numb hands, and tingly toes, I am useless.

“I love you so much,” he whispers as he rolls to my side and wraps me in his arms.

“I love you too,” I whisper, curling my body in to him.

When a tear slips down my cheek I try to wipe it away before he notices I’m crying, but it’s to no avail. Lane always knows everything about me. He’s that attuned to me.

“Hey, what’s wrong, Al?” He backs away the slightest and wipes the hair from my face.

“Fuck,” I mutter, wiping the now stream of asshole tears that are running down my face, pissed that they won’t stop.

“Why are you crying, baby?” His eyes search mine, a worried look on his face as he holds my head in his hands and gently wipes the tears.

“I love you,” I hiccup. “I’ve wanted that for so fucking long, and I love you so hard, and I don’t want to leave. I don’t want to ever be without you, Lane.”

He’s silent and I know what he’s thinking because I’m thinking the same thing. That was an asshole thing for me to say, but I’m so fucking emotional and that was the best sex I’ve ever had. It wasn’t sex, it was love making, and it’s unfair that I’m going to lose him before I’m ready… before he’s ready. We both know the outcome of late state pancreatic cancer isn’t positive, but we’re not talking about it. We can’t.

“I know, Al,” he finally responds, sighing and wrapping his arms around me. “We’re taking this one day at a time. Savoring every moment we have with each other. We’ll get through this, but I don’t want to spend any more nights without you. I don’t want to wake to an empty bed. I don’t want to wonder where you are. It sounds… fuck it sounds selfish, but I don’t know how much time I have left…” he trails off and I let a sob escape at his words. “I know, baby… I know. It fucking sucks, and the not knowing is harder than knowing, but what I do know is that I need you, Al. I need you.”

I’m crying so hard now at the thought of him dying and leaving me here alone that I can’t respond to him so I don’t. He lets me cry, holding me tight as I cry myself to sleep in his arms. The best place I could possibly think of to fall asleep, and I might not have it for that much longer. Drifting off to sleep, the last thing I remember is Lane’s lips on my forehead and his promise to me that he’s promised since the first day of our friendship so many years ago.

“I’ll never do anything to hurt you, Al. I love you.”

Lane

One week.

That’s how long I’ve waited to start Chemo. One week, and it’s been a hell of a week. I’ve been poked and prodded; scanned and listened to. They’ve done about every test possible that they could do just to make sure they’re treating this cancer the best way possible. When I sat down with the doctor a couple days ago to go over every option I was blindsided by his news. I guess somewhere deep inside I knew it was bad, but I’d been holding on to hope that it wasn’t as bad as I thought. I guess I thought I’d be able to do a round of chemo, maybe a surgery or two to get rid of the tumors and I’d be good to go.

Unfortunately, I’m not that lucky. The cancer has metastasized and spread to my brain.

My mother fucking brain.

It’s in my bones, it’s spread to my spine. It’s everywhere. There’s treatment to help lessen the pain and make me comfortable. The treatments also will help with possibly beating it, but I’ve been given just a few months tops. Had we caught it just a few months sooner I could be looking at a full, healthy life after beating this thing, but I didn’t. I didn’t take care of myself. I didn’t get normal checkups like I should have, so here I am, with pancreatic cancer that’s spread throughout my entire body, regretting every bad decision I’ve ever made.

That explains the recent development of headaches and dizziness. That appointment was terrible and I hate that Al and Braydon had to hear it at the same time I did. That night we all went back to my place and stared at the TV and before we knew it, it was 3 a.m. and we’d went through an entire 24 cans of beer. Alexis sat snuggled into me, every now and then a silent tear would stream down her face. On the other side of her was Braydon, sitting stone faced and barely breathing, staring at the movie but not paying attention. The two people I love most in this world and I can’t even make them happy. Hell, I’ve noticed how their moods have plummeted recently and it’s so fucking wrong that they have to go through this too.

My life is ruined. Theirs shouldn’t be.

“You ready to get this going?” the nurse announces as she bounces into the room. Today is day 1. They said they’ll be putting a port in soon so I don’t have to be stuck every time I get treatment, but for now I’ll just be hiding the holes on the arms and doing clothes only shoots.

The job is still going surprisingly well. I’ve had some painful days and some weak days, but all in all this last week has been pretty good. I’m still able to get enough shoots and work in to keep myself busy. Hopefully I take this treatment well and don’t have to take off from working, but from what I’ve read, it’s more than likely going to kick my ass.

“Let’s do this,” I say, mustering up the courage I thought I had. As I walk back to the room with her and I notice my hands starting to shake. This whole process today will take a few hours and Alexis had some work to get done so she’s going to be up here soon. They won’t let her in the room with me anyway when they prep me so I reassured her a million times that she’s fine meeting me up here. I’m ok doing this on my own. I can do this.

She’s been so fucking amazing through all of this. Every night she lays in bed with me, every night she falls asleep in my arms. There’s nights we make love, but I’ve been so tired by the end of the day that I’ve fallen asleep before her, but she doesn’t complain. She wakes with me and we get ready in the morning together. I know she’s eventually going to have to go back to her apartment, but for now she’s happy just being with me, and that means the world to me.

Braydon’s taking it harder than I thought he would. He’s pulling away and I feel it. I know he cares, but I also know his mom went through cancer and it wasn’t pretty. I’m sure everything I’m about to go through is too close to home for him. I can’t imagine what my friends are going through, but I’d rather focus on their well being than focus on the shit that I’m about to be put through.

“Just a pinch,” the nurse says, finally preparing the IV. Looking out the window, trying to hold back the anger beginning to rage through me, I close my eyes and grit my teeth through the ‘pinch’, as the nurse calls it. Shit.

I don’t want to open my eyes to see it. I don’t want to watch the meds start to drip through the tubes. I can’t. So I don’t. I close my eyes and within minutes can feel the cool burn in my veins. Well this sucks. My brain keeps flicking to the burn, but I try to block it out with anything and everything I can. Bringing back everything from my life I wish I did differently.

Starting with my family.

They are a great family, I’m sure. I spent eighteen years with them and they never did wrong. From a small town just outside of Chillicothe, Missouri, my family was like any other middle class family. We did dinner together every single night. My siblings and I all got good grades in school, and weekends were family oriented. My parents were married. My parents were in love.

My parents are related.

“Hey,” Alexis’s voice breaks the silence in the room and her hand rests on mine. My eyes immediately flick to her and I see her staring at the IV with the saddest look on her face. I just want to wipe it all away, but my arm hurts and I have to stay here for the duration of the treatment, which will last hours apparently. Jesus, this sucks.

“Hi you,” I say, mustering up a smile. The thought of my family brought back all kinds of unwanted feelings I can’t shake. Add that to the list of things that have been a game changer lately and I feel like I should be contacting them about this.

Alexis takes a deep breath and sets her purse on the table nearby. She pulls out her iPad and grins at me.

“So… since these days are going to be happening more and more often, I figured we could start binge watching Orange is the New Black.” Her smile is courageous but her voice is anything but. She’s trying for me, which makes my heart swell with love for her. She doesn’t have to be here, but she is. She’s here for me because she loves me.

She loves me
.

“I love you,” I say, catching her off guard. Grinning, I love that look on her face. The one that’s so innocent and pure.

Her smile tells me everything I need to hear.

“I love you too, Lane,” she says, leaning in for a quick kiss, then pulls a chair next to me and starts the show. Her fingers find mine gently, and as she laces her small hands in mine I get the urge to cry, because if this medicine doesn’t work… if the poison they are pumping into my system currently doesn’t work to get rid of this disease…. I might not have much longer to feel like this with her.

Why didn’t I tell her sooner?

“Time’s almost up, Lane,” the nurse comes into the room as cheery as she did before. I’m not sure how she can do this job day in and day out and not get depressed. It’s so sad, seeing all the cancer patients in the hallways, shuffling around without hair… without any muscle mass… fuck, that’s going to be me.

Shit.

“Great. I need a burger.” I’m starving and can’t stand the hospital food they offered me. Alexis brought snacks but neither of us were hungry enough to eat with the nerves rolling through us. Well… nerves for her… poison for me.

“That’s good. You’re going to need to up your calories now that you’ve started this.”

“Ha-ha… no can do. The job depends on these bad boys,” I say, patting the six-pack I’ve created with hard work. I’m going to make sure I keep it up too, through the treatment. I can’t lose this image. I’ve worked too hard for it. I’ve worked too hard to be where I am in the modeling world and nothing’s going to stop that.

The nurse’s eyebrows raise and she nods with a fake smile on her face.

“Okay,” is all she says before checking the dosage and meters on the machine I’m hooked up to. “I’m gonna get this out of you.”

Alexis moves to the other side of the room as the nurse starts to work, unhooking, unclipping, and removing the IV. I flinch when she pulls it out, feeling the burn of the medicine. I see Alexis move and glance over at her, watching her hand go to her mouth and her eyes fill with tears. She’s not looking at me, though. She’s looking at the nurse and watching her with such sadness.

Fuck.

She can’t come to these with me. I don’t want to ruin her. I don’t want her image of me to be the man hooked up to these machines. I have to get out of here.

“I’m good to go?” I ask, making a move to stand. Al immediately comes towards me and I give her a warning look. I don’t mean to, but I don’t want to look weak. I can do this myself.

“Yes sir. I’m sure the doctor has gone through all the side effects of the treatment with you. As you’ve probably been told, this is a rough drug to normalize on, so don’t be worried about feeling ill, possible hair loss, and lack of appetite. It’s important to keep your calories up, but with your type of cancer, you also need to watch what you eat. Dr. Stanley has already given you a list of food to watch out for, right?”

I nod, gritting my teeth because I’m starting to feel dizzy and don’t want Alexis to see me this weak. I’m not sure how long it takes for the side effects to kick in but I need to get home so she can go home and not see me this way.

“Great. Then,” she says, looking at Alexis. “You’re good to go. Just stay close by. He’s going to need you.” She smiles at Alexis and nods at me before leaving the room.

“You good?” Alexis asks, walking towards me.

“I’m good. Let’s hit it.” Smiling, ignoring the ache in my arm, I take her hand and we walk out of my first ever chemotherapy treatment.

It went better than I thought it would. I definitely psyched myself out for it being terrible and painful the entire time, but with Alexis next to me, laughing at the show and holding my hand, it was easier than expected. Sure, there were times I could feel the burn, and having an IV is no fun at all, but she made it easier to handle.

“So. Day one done. What’chu feel like eating?” Her smile is actually happy and carefree as we hit the midday sun.

“I’m not hungry anymore.” Suddenly ready to go home, I just want to get to my bed and stay there the rest of the day. I can’t believe this is happening to me, and I can’t believe that I thought for a moment that I’d be the golden one that never got sick from chemo. Of course I’m going to get sick from it. Everyone does. Everyone loses hair, everyone loses muscle mass… everyone that goes through chemotherapy has a terrible quality of life.

Shit.

The entire walk down to her car I have my hat pulled down over my face and my hands in my pockets. She knows the drill. Walk a few feet in front of me to make sure there’s not any crazy fans waiting for me… or in this case, to make sure the news crews haven’t gotten wind of my condition. I’m not ready for that announcement yet. I know it’s going to come sooner than later, but I need to take this one day at a time. Today, I just want to be with my girlfriend.

“You just said up there that you were hungry, Lane. You need to eat something.” She’s giving me those begging eyes I hate and love so much. The eyes that tell me she’s going to be heartbroken if I tell her no but she’ll never actually beg me with words because she’s too tough to do that. She’s my Al. Of course she’s going to be tough.

“I’m just tired. Can’t you just take me back to my place? I’m thinking a nap is in store.” I grin at her hoping to get her to concede… I just want to snuggle her. I also want her out before I start to get sick. I also want to not have cancer.

I guess sometimes we don’t get everything we want.

“I’m getting you food and you’re going to eat it. If you don’t want to go out somewhere, that’s totally fine, but I’m not going to let you whither away just because you’re sad.”

“I’m not sad!” I try to laugh but it hurts and she just shakes her head.

“Right. And I’m not a woman.”

Her smartass comeback makes me laugh which just makes it hurt even more. She just laughs and grabs my arm gently, walking right by my side on the way to her car. I like this with her. No… that’s not true… I fucking love this with her. I love the feelings of just being an everyday, ordinary couple. I know that’s not true, though. I’m Lane Sheridan, a huge L.A. model, recognized everywhere I go. She’s my beautiful, smart, sassy, hot as fuck manager/best friend/ girlfriend, and she’s helping me get through this cancer that’s starting to eat away at my life.

Nope. Not ordinary at all.