Forbidden (Addicted to You Book 2) (18 page)

It sparked feelings I didn’t want in my head. Betrayal of a friend. Pain. Heartache. Losing what mattered the most. The high I’d been on only moments before turned into a crushing blow. I was causing Avery to lose everything she’d had in her life.

Talking to her only made things worse. She started asking questions. Dodging her, I tried to change the subject and not let the conversation head down that path. But with Avery, the word no was impossible. Her green eyes would plead with me, she’d bite her lip, and I’d cave to anything she asked.

Even if that meant discussing Jamie and Jason. A topic that I tried my damndest to stay away from. Avery always thought I was hiding it from her. I wasn’t. I was hiding it from me. I didn’t want to hear it. I didn’t want to think it. I couldn’t stand the way it felt. I most certainly preferred not to feel it.

But I’d answered her. At least partially. Nothing I told her that night was a lie. Not a damn bit of it was anything less than the truth. I just left out a few details.

I’d almost confessed when she’d asked if I was cheating on Jamie. God no. I had never cheated on a woman in my life. If I was with someone, it was them I wanted. Especially Jamie. I never wanted Avery to doubt that. I never wanted her to think that I could cheat on her. So I’d almost told the whole truth.

I couldn’t. No matter how many times I opened my mouth and planned to say it; the words never came out. I couldn’t watch the way she viewed me change. I didn’t want to see her look at me with pity. And that’s what always happened.

Tell someone your girlfriend left you— they feel sorry for you. Tell them you caused it— they still feel sorry for you. Tell them what you did to cause it— suddenly you are a project they want to complete. A soul that needs to be saved. A life that needs to be altered.

Telling her part of the story would mean telling all. I couldn’t throw out something as random as drugs without explaining it. It would lead to the reality of my childhood. I would have to share about my immersion into Kevin’s world. The way I felt when I was high. The fact I’d quit for Jamie. Then the fact I’d gone back.

She wouldn’t understand. Given her stories of childhood and young adult years she’d barely even heard of drugs— let alone used them. I doubted Avery would know the difference between uppers and downers. She’d most likely been raised in a different world. One that viewed someone on drugs as a bad person— a leach on society.

The thought of her green eyes looking at me with that opinion— I couldn’t handle it. I needed her like I needed water and oxygen. So I didn’t tell her.

Truth was, I’d not done it long. My first time had been less than a month before I met Jamie. I had no interest in becoming my mother. I didn’t want to waste my life and hurt everyone I came into contact with. But that day had been hard. I’d seen her for the first time in years. She’d told me how disappointed she was in me. Kev saw me and offered.

Just once, he’d said. Just one time to help me through the pain. He knew about pain. He was the one that still lived with memories of bruises and broken bones. He had to know what he was talking about. Besides, the emptiness had consumed every inch of my mind. I needed to get away from it.

One time. It’d been amazing. For the first time I could remember, I didn’t worry or feel hurt. I was okay. I laughed and meant it. I talked and had a good time. I liked it. So one time became two and then five and then ten.

Meeting Jamie hadn’t been planned. I didn’t want that. I wanted to get my dick sucked and be on my way. But she fucking said no. So I’d kept at it. She wasn’t that kind of girl. Bullshit. They all were. You just had to know what buttons to push. So I kept working hers.

She knew about the drugs. She’d figured it out about a week or so into it. But Jamie wasn’t pushy. She didn’t tell me what to do. I knew her opinion. She knew mine. It was what it was.

Then she started spending more time with me. And soon being with Jamie made me feel better than getting high. She steered me away from my brother and his crowd. Away from everyone really. Except Jason. She liked him so she invited him over a lot too.

Jamie knew about my family. All of it. I told her everything. She didn’t judge me. She didn’t turn away from me. Instead, she pulled me closer. And I fell hard for her so I gave it all up. The drugs. The hiding. The fear. I walked away from it all.

She was the last person I’d told about my family. It wasn’t because Jamie was more special than the others. It was because I remembered the way she’d thrown it in my face when she’d left me. She’d used the one thing that hurt me the most to hurt me again. I’d sworn no one would ever have that power and that meant no one would ever have that information.

We were happy together. We were in love. We were going to get married.

I fucked it up. As I always did. I couldn’t just live my life.

Kevin admitted himself. I wasn’t sure why. I never asked. Even years later I didn’t know. But I went to him when he got out. Hoping to reignite a relationship. Jamie begged me not to. He wasn’t stable enough. He’d go back. He’d drag me with him. I didn’t listen. Kevin was my brother and I needed him.

But she was right. He did. Exactly what she said he’d do. Little by little he dove back into the same life. One push at a time, he took me with him. Jamie never understood. The pull. The desire. It was just too strong. Or maybe she did understand. Perhaps that was why she tried to keep me away from him at all.

Finally she gave me an ultimatum. Her or Kevin. She thought that’d work. Instead it made me prove her wrong. She wouldn’t leave. She loved me. Even when Jason agreed with her, I didn’t buy it. You can’t just give up on people because they hurt you.

But they did. They fell in love with each other and they both left me. Broken and with a bruised ego, I had to learn to pick up the pieces and move on without the two most important people in my life.

The heartbreak and devastation caused me to hide. That led to me walking away from the drugs again. Only when I was around Kevin for long periods of time did I find myself tempted at all. Even then, I never wanted to destroy someone else again. So I wouldn’t.

But the fear was there. Mostly, I couldn’t tell Avery. She’d never understand. It’d change us. So I only told her half of the story. I didn’t share the rest. Then I talked to her about the importance of friends that care. Why she shouldn’t let even me come between her and Colby. I may hate the bitch, but I didn’t want her to be pushed out.

And that’s what was bothering me. As I’d drove Avery home that morning, all I could think of was how I was ruining her life. When she’d gotten out of the car, I could barely muster up an I love you— even though I loved her more than anyone in the world. And as I stood there— searching the cupboards for something to eat and screaming at the empty apartment— it was still on my mind.

I was destroying Avery’s life. I just didn’t know what to do about it.

Chapter 17

“Sorry.” I was going to punch him if he offered another fake apology. He wasn’t sorry. We all knew it. He was being a dick and if he kept it up, he’d be a dick without a fucking dick.

“If you are sorry,” Clenching my fists— I kept my cool as I talked, “then let us see her.”

“It’s not that you can’t see her,” the pillsbury doughboy smirked at me. “But she’s sleeping. I don’t like to disturb her.”

I looked at Colby— her eyes pleading with me not to go too far— and I knew that the jackass was simply trying to cause a problem. He was trying to bait me into a fight and if I let him, he’d have us removed.

“Did you even tell her we’d be here?” I asked what lingered in my mind most. Was he speaking on her behalf with or without her knowledge.

“Honestly,” he looked at me. “No. She came in about four in the morning and I didn’t bother her.”

“When can we see her?” Colby interjected before I could respond.

“I don’t know.” This dude shrugged and it was almost enough to push me too far over the edge to stop myself. “Maybe later.”

I let Colby talk as she tried to explain that she really needed to see Avery. I listened to her words— my eyes never leaving the reject in front of me. Maybe that’s how it caught my eye. Certainly wasn’t because I was looking for it.

He was sweating. His eyes were drooping and he couldn’t keep his hands still. Every few seconds, one of his hands would start scratching various parts of his body. And he’d look like he was about to pass out. But then he’d be fine for a few. Talking and laughing.

He looked a lot like Kev did when he was crashing, but not as happy. Not nearly as alert. This dude looked like he was going to fall over.

“I understand that, but…”

His words trailed off as I watched him lift his left hand and start scratching his face. That’s when I noticed the marks. They weren’t very visible. He’d done a damn good job of hiding them. But sometimes it’s not enough.

I was jealous. So I’d been examining the guy to see why he would appeal to Avery. What I found out was that there was more to him than what we saw.

He was on something. From what I could tell, it was something pretty fucking strong. It was also something he was shooting. The marks up and down his arms had given that away. As light as they were; I could still see them.

That explained his weirdness and secrecy. He didn’t want anyone discovering his drug use. Funny how an ex-drug addict could immediately tell when someone else was one.

“I’m sorry.” I heard the apology again as he tried to explain that he just couldn’t let anyone else in the house that day.

“It’s fine.” I spoke up.

“What?” Colby asked— obviously concerned for my sudden change.

“It’s fine,” I answered again. “I understand. So instead of trying to argue with him, we will just go file a police report.”

“For what?” this dude asked me suddenly— showing me that I was right. Fear of police would push him to do exactly what we wanted. Let us in. “ You think the cops will search my house?”

“She’s missing. If they choose to search your place— so be it. But I have to make sure she’s okay.”

“I told you she’s okay.” Suddenly he wasn’t as confident and cocky as he had been.

“But if you’d hurt her, would you tell us?” I waited for an answer. “I’d be a horrible friend to leave someone without knowing for sure that they are okay.”

“Fine,” he snapped. “Come inside.”

“Thanks — sorry, what was your name?.”

We walked in the front door and followed him to what appeared to be a living room area. It was far different from my own as it looked like a place you would be afraid to sit down. Everything was nicely decorated and the art work appeared more expensive than my furniture.

“Luke,” he offered— reaching out a hand for me to shake. I ignored it. “I’ll go and get Avery.”

“Thanks.” I repeated, a smile across my face.

Neither Colby nor I spoke. We both stood there, silent and afraid that something would go wrong. I could see the hope in her eyes. The way she looked in the direction Luke had walked as if any moment she’d see her best friend and the nightmare would be over.

I didn’t have a lot of confidence at that moment. She was asleep in another man’s house. Hell an annoying fucker of a man at that. I still wanted to kick his ass. But I refrained.

“What are you doing here?” her voice pulled me out of that angry spot as I spun around and saw Avery in the doorway.

“Ave” the lump in my throat expanded—making words harder to say.

“Spencer,” she acknowledged.

“You never came home,” Colby whispered.

“And you cared?”

Something about her was different. I couldn’t put my finger on it. I didn’t want to try. I was afraid of what it might be. Just the thought made that idea of kicking the loser’s teeth in pop back into my head. She was mine. But standing there, she wasn’t. She wasn’t the same.

“I did.” The words popped out. What the fuck. I seemed to have forgotten the whole go easy part.

“Of course,” she rolled her eyes.

Avery rolled her eyes at me. Not in that teasing shut the hell up Spencer kind of way. It was that whole sarcastic I don’t believe you way. And it hurt.

“I deserve that.”

“I have to ask,” she looked between the two of us. “What the hell put you two together?”

“Finding you.” I answered.

Colby stood silent. She was hurting. Avery was angry at her. She’d been worried. Hoping Avery would be happy to see her. She wasn’t. I understood it. She didn’t seem happy to see me either.