Forbidden (Addicted to You Book 2) (14 page)

“She kept forgetting what we’d planned. Canceling. It seemed like all that mattered was you.” She took a sip of her drink to wash down the food she wasn’t eating. “Even my birthday…”

“She didn’t mean to do that,” I interjected. “It was my fault.”

“I know. But she thought you walked on water. You were perfect. She thought I was just jealous,” she finally looked at me. “I wasn’t. I was hurt.”

“I know,” that much was evident. It didn’t excuse her being a bitch, but I knew what it was.

I had to admit I’d thought the same thing. That Colby was jealous. It wasn’t the right word. It was envy. She wanted something she didn’t have. It was hard to tell exactly what that was— Avery’s attention, the attention Avery got from me— I didn’t know. But I knew that she wasn’t jealous. She was hurt. She was lonely. She was sad.

“When you left,” she looked back down as if she were ashamed of her words. “I was happy. She was broken and I was happy.”

What was I supposed to say? She was happy because she was vindictive. Because being happy for someone else’s pain was easier than creating her own happiness.

“I forced her to come here,” she kept talking. “Then I made fun of her for not wanting to be here. I made her do what I wanted.”

“We all make mistakes Colby,” I tried to add something sympathetic, but it was void of any real emotion. It was empty.

“It wasn’t a mistake,” she snapped. “I wanted her to forget you and I was forcing her to pretend she had. I thought she was just being childish. I hated it. Her crying. Her oh I’m so fucking sad. My God,” her face became angry. “She’d been through it so many times. How could she be surprised?”

Those words made me flinch. I felt anger when she spat them out, but I held it inside. I let her vent. I let her have her say.

“She was crying,” she didn’t seem to notice. “She’d been sleeping. She woke up crying. Screaming. I was mad. Even on our trip she was thinking about you. Only you. Always you.”

“She loves me,” it was all I could muster, still hoping that it was true.

“Right,” she rolled her eyes. “So I told her she had to tell me if she’d leave with you if you came to get her. I made her choose.”

“And she chose me,” the words were a relief, but I spoke them quietly. They were also a surprise.

“Yes,” she nodded. “And she left the room and I was gone before she came back.”

“You were hurt,” I offered, still thrilled that Avery had chosen me.

“I was mad. I wanted to hurt her. I wanted her to feel as alone as I did.”

“It happens Colby,” I wasn’t doing good at reassuring her. Mainly because I didn’t mean what I was saying. She was wrong.

“And now we don’t know if she’s okay,” she was winding down. “If she’s not, it’s my fault.”

“Our fault,” I corrected. “We both did it.”

“That’s easy for you to say,” she made a feeble attempt at laughing. “You left her at home. I left her across the country.”

“But we both left her,” it was the point we needed to face. “We both abandoned her when she thought we loved her.”

“I do,” she spoke softly again.

“So do I,” I added, hoping she’d finally believe me.

“Why do you do it Spencer?” she asked, seeming honestly curious and not condescending.

“I can’t explain that,” the answer seemed logical enough. “My life isn’t all it appears to be.”

“I didn’t assume it was,” she snapped. “You are too secretive.”

“Only to protect her,” I defended myself. “That’s all. She doesn’t know what life is really like. I want her to keep that innocence.”

“That’s cheesy,” she rolled her eyes and took a big bite of food, letting me know she was perking up just a bit.

“It’s the truth Colby,” it was my turn to look down. “I’m a fuck up. I really am. But I’m the normal one in my family. The pain and anger I’ve seen,” I took a breath. “I don’t want Avery to know that.”

“You don’t want her to know the real you,” she corrected what I had said. “You’re afraid she won’t like it.”

“Something like that,” I admitted.

“I’m pretty sure she knows now,” her words hurt, but were true.

“Yes I guess so,” the nod was hard to do as I felt the energy drain from me with the realization yet again that I’d caused what I wanted to prevent.

“Besides,” she shrugged. “She didn’t seem so damned innocent when we were at the parties here.”

I didn’t want to know. Was she saying that Avery had been with men? Or a man? Or anything that would destroy me. I wanted to ask. But I didn’t want to know. Yet I did ask. Because I had to know.

“What do you mean?” It was like passing a car accident. I had to slow down and find out what happened.

“I don’t know,” she shrugged. “Nothing really. Just drinking and talking. Hell, one of the guys……”

“One of the guys?” I felt my heart clench tight in my chest. What the fuck did ‘one of the guys’ mean? There were guys? Multiple guys? What about this one?

“I might know where she is,” her eyes lit up. “I might know exactly where she is.”

“Where?”

“We can’t go yet,” she continued, ignoring my question.

“Go where?”

“He works during the day. I think. He’s usually only there at night. I bet that’s where she went.”

“Where Colby?”

“To his house,” she smiled, not realizing what she was doing. “We will go there tonight. I bet she’s there. If not, he will know where she is.”

And with that she continued eating and the conversation stopped. We had a plan. We were going to his house. The only problem was that I didn’t know who he was. I didn’t know where he was. I didn’t know how he knew her or why he’d know where she was. I most certainly didn’t know why she’d be with him.

That was the hardest part of all. Why would my Avery be with another man?

Chapter 12

“You look like hell bro,” Kevin appeared suddenly in the kitchen and startled me.

“Says the fucking addict,” I snapped, knowing he didn’t really deserve it. “Sorry,” it was the best I could muster.

“All good,” he went to the cupboard and pulled out a bowl. “I think I’m hungry.”

“Taking a few days off?” everyone that knew Kev knew that he barely ate.

“Something like that,” he poured some cereal into the bowl. “Big guys are coming in for a few days. It’s possible they’ll make us drop.”

“Well at least something will push you to rest for a bit.”

“So what you over there sulking over?” I watched as he poured milk into the bowl, hands shaking so bad he spilled it around the counter.

“I’m not sulking,” I took another sip of coffee. “I’m just not happy.”

“When are you ever?” it was a fair question I supposed.

From the time I’d broken up with Avery I had been miserable. The world just didn’t seem like it had much hope anymore. I knew that the decision had been the right one. She deserved better than what I had to offer. She didn’t need to be in the world that I was stuck in. But being without her just might kill me.

“I hope she’s happy,” I mumbled, knowing damn well I would die a little more if I found out she was with someone and happy.

“No the fuck you don’t,” Kevin called me out on my lie. “You hope she’s miserable and missing you the way you miss her.”

“No,” the argument was futile and I knew it. He had watched me mope and whine and stare at a picture of her I had on my phone. He knew better. I knew better. I was just pretending.

“Bro,” he sat down at the table with me. “Why the fuck you do this? She loves ya. You love her. Yet you end the relationship and sit here bein’ miserable all fuckin’ day.”

“Like you don’t know the answer,” the glare I gave him was more of a look of irritation that he’d even bother to make that statement. It wasn’t like we hadn’t already discussed it. Hell, we’d had almost the same exact conversation at least three other times.

“Right,” he nodded. “Your parents are shitty and your brothers a drug addict.”

“Something like that,” I acknowledged.

“I’m not an addict,” he took a bite of cereal. “It’s a choice.”

“Whatever,” we had previously had that argument as well.

“But,” he sat the spoon down against the side of the bowl. “Let’s say I am. And we both know Ma and Pops are fucked up.” Leaning onto his elbows he looked me in the eye. “Why the fuck would that be a good reason to give up your own damned happiness?”

“You think I want Avery around this shit?” I yelled. “Watching you snort your life away? Listening to Ma talk about how horrible we both are? Seeing Pops tell me that I am never gonna learn to quit upsetting her?”

“So don’t have her around,” he shrugged.

“And when she asks about my family?”

“Tell the truth. They aren’t worth a damn.” He grabbed his spoon again for another bite. “Why sugar coat life?”

“Why destroy someone that isn’t already jaded?” It was the question I never could seem to get past.

“You think if she loves you half as much as you love her that you aren’t destroying her by leavin’?” he laughed. “You think it’s okay to destroy yaself?”

“I’d rather hurt than have her hurt.”

“So then move on, bro,” he shrugged again, acting as though none of it was a big deal. “If she don’t matter no more than that, move the fuck on.”

I sat there, trying like hell to figure out what to say to something like that. I was also wondering what the fuck had gotten into Kevin. He wasn’t much for caring about other people and their happiness. He was a selfish person. Always had been. Always would be. Except for those moments when he’d defended me against Ma. That was the only time I’d ever seen him put someone else first.

“Shut up Kev,” I ordered, standing and walking towards the coffee pot. “What the hell do you know about love?”

“Not a damn thing Spence,” he admitted to me, munching on generic corn flakes like they were the last meal on earth. “But I am a fuckin’ expert at loss.”

He had a point. From the beginning Kevin had lost anything and anyone he’d ever even tried to care about. No one short of Kate had even made it past a few months. It made me wonder if he put on a show more than I knew. Maybe he spent much of his life feeling the way I felt right then. Perhaps he was lonely and hurting more often than I thought.

It was an idea that made me sad. But it also made me think. If Kevin could go back and keep Kate, would he? If he could wake up to someone that loved him and gave him purpose, would he change the choices he’d made? Did I want to end up like Kevin?

“Look,” Kevin started again. “If showin’ her ya family is that important to ya,” he turned and faced me, “I’ll clean up for her. Can’t promise it will last long. But I’ll put it away when she’s around. I’ll stay clean and meet her on my best behavior. That way she at least meets one decent relative.”

“Like you can do that,” I huffed.

“I told ya it’s a choice,” he snapped. “And she can meet Dee and Bill. They will love her I’m sure. And she will never have to know about Ma and Pops.”

“That’s like lying,” maybe it was lying, but if it allowed me to have my Avery back I just might do it. I missed her more than I’d ever missed anyone or anything in my life. “But it might work.”

“Of course it’d work,” he laughed. “She’d be okay with the truth. She wants you Spence, not the rest of us!”

I thought about what he’d said for a few minutes. There was nothing I wouldn’t do to have her back. I’d felt so empty and lost. Hell, Kev had been right. I looked like hell. I’d lost about twenty pounds. I was barely sleeping. My hair was too long and scruffy.

I needed her. I needed her the way Kev needed his drugs. The way my parents needed their hatred and indifference. Hell, I needed her the way her bitchy friend needed attention. She was the reason I woke up and felt like facing the day.

I wasn’t joking when I said she was my drug. Everyone had their addictions. The things in life they couldn’t survive without. For some it was cigarettes. Others preferred coffee. Of course you had the ones that needed cell phones or alcohol or drugs. Even more had to have television or music. I didn’t know a single person that wasn’t addicted to something.