Forbidden Broadway: Behind the Mylar Curtain (83 page)

"Ethel and the Phantom"

[The lights dim. A chandelier lowers out of the ceiling.
The light from the glow reveals a silhouette of the
PHANTOM. lie sings pretentiously. ]

PHANTOM

[A voice is heard from the back of the house.]

VOICE

What????

PHANTOM

COME TO PHANTOM, THEATER'S GREAT SENSATION.

VOICE

Sing out, Louise!

PHANTOM

WHY WERE STILL HERE, THERE'S NO EXPLANATION!

VOICE

What kind of a song is that?

[The PHANTOM stops, then starts again.]

PHANTOM

VOICE

What kind of a voice is that?

[The PHANTOM stops. The voice belongs to ETHEL
MERMAN, who barrels to the front of the stage and then
right onto it.)

[The PHANTOM starts singing again, timidly.]

HANTOM

ETHEL

What's that stupid mask on your face? You look like
Lon Chaney. Flow can you sing with that thing over
your mouth. Take it offl

[She rips his mask off. lie is horrified.]

PHANTOM

How dare your de-mask me? Who do you think you
are?

ETHEL

Ethel Merman. That's who.

[Applause front the audience.)

Thank you. Thank you. Swell.

[She turns back to PHANTOM.I

God, your face is uglier than I thought it would be.
And what's that growth on your forehead? Oh, it's that
strange Andrew Lloyd Webber disease I heard about.

PHANTOM

[Very snottily.]

This is my DX 445 mega voice thickener and sound
propellant.

ETHEL

Well, I think they should call it the sound RE-pellant!

PHANTOM

Times have changed, Ms. Merman. This is how we sing
nowadays.

ETHEL

In my day, we didn't need microphones. We had voices
then!

[ETHEL turns the PHANTOM around, rips his
microphone pack out of the back of his pants, and
throws it offstage.]

I'll have you singing like Jolson in no time!

I They repeat the two sections above in counterpoint.
As they do so, the PHANTOM gains in confidence and
begins to sing more forcefidly. Then.]

ETHEL

PHANTOM

[Sings in the style of Merman.)