Forbidden Flowers (29 page)

After fantasizing about this for a while it came to a reality –

I spread jelly all over my breasts and clit and let the dog lick it off: It was different to say the least.

At times, I consider myself on the frigid side, and that burns me up. Sometimes I just can't get it on, and after twenty minutes of having my cunt rubbed, sucked, and tongued, I'm on such “pins and needles” I quit the scene and go to something else. Those times are fewer now. I can remember a few times Z

fell asleep after he made his deposit, and while I was lying there, his come was dribbling out of me, and it turned me on. I took my fingers and spread it all around my “pins and needles” clitoris. I thought how Z would love to see me playing like that, especially when I climaxed. Still a little bashful about that though.

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Then there was the time last summer we got into vibrators. I was pushing the power mower around, cutting the grass, and thought the vibrating of the motor on the handles was perfect for clit stimulating. It was! My slacks: absorbed just enough vibrations, and I climaxed.

I do think of other guys I'd like to turn on, and both Z and I have imagined ourselves with others while we are making it together. It's fun to imagine how it would really be (with friends, relatives, milkmen, etc.). They always seem to be people we know, personally, rather than movie stars or such.

Maybe 'cause someday it could happen – or so I keep telling myself – who knows!

I'll go along with the findings that the most common female fantasy is submission and rape. Probably 'causes it's the only way many females will experience anyone beside their “mate.” Hell, I think everyone thinks about someone different at some times. I think another reason may be just 'cause it's a onetime deal. It seems that this society looks down on screwing for the sake of screwing – and maybe they have something in that belief. Once you make it with another, the situation can get involved with their hang-ups that one just doesn't need or want.

Say you ball the guy next door a few times, and that's not enough for him (or her). They make a pain in the ass of themselves – looking for more openings. Then you get to wonder about how his present mate will take it or if they can handle it.

Or even if he'll tell anyone else. Hell, you don't want anyone to have any troubled thoughts over something that simply happened out of pleasure or curiosity. Swapping could be a gas, but then too you can get involved with the typical every Saturday night thing, which is a drag. Of course, this is very subjective, but that's how I feel.

I get into sex experiences of others through reading, talking, stag films, etc. I've come to realize that my feelings and fantasies are not as rare as I thought them to be at one time. It's comforting to know that more and more people aren't suppressing what they actually are feeling and thinking. I think it's much healthier that way. I remember four years ago, when I saw my first stag film. I was shocked! And very embarrassed, at myself mostly. When I saw that here are females, like my-199

self, who not only are freer but don't mind making movies of it, I've felt that I'd love to be that open, but couldn't get my thoughts into action. I don't think everyone should act in a one, two, three manner of the “way to do things.” But, shit, that could never happen (unless they're acting). Only if everyone accepts the way they themselves feel are they going to make anything out of it. Too many of us try to be someone else, and completely lose track of where and who they really are inside.

Sure fantasies will always be there … thank goodness. As to why they're there, and what to do with them, is individually dealt with. Ask the psychologist how he reaches a conclusion –

it's usually through hearing the fantasies of others.

I love the idea of putting myself in another's place (maybe a hang-up again). I keep in shape and am pleased to see myself in a mirror, tanned skin, white breasts and bottom, and would like others to dig me too. Sure I'd like to be in a centerfold –

but that's chauvinistically looking at it from a feminist point of view. I would like bigger breasts, but realize that's an old middle-class value hang-up too. It shouldn't matter.

Hey, listen, I'm probably not making the right point – I just can't work anymore on this. My family needs me.

Good luck on the book – hope this gets to you before finish-ing it up. I'll look for it.

Noranna

I'm twenty-seven. I'm a writer, and I'm doing this for two reasons. (1) My hubby is asleep, and I want to get horny enough to masturbate before I join him. (2) I'm egotistical enough to think my fantasies are going to be adopted by others.

Before I get into fantasies, a little background. I have masturbated since I was sixteen, and I've been with a dozen or so men. David (husband) is the best, but he's a bit of an MCP

sometimes, so being really frank proceeded slowly. Your book took us a step farther, by the way. Several years ago, a friend (female) and I admitted to each other that we indulged in masturbation, and soon we began doing it in the same room. We sort of fed on each other's sounds, which we controlled some-200

what, but nonetheless could not suppress. Also, we dug on the idea that we were masturbating, but weren't alone. We always kept it darkened, but there was always enough light to allow us to see, at least in shadows, the other one with her legs spread wide open and a hand moving, caressing, rubbing a wet cunt.

We especially liked the sound of the “wetness” – that squishy sound. I think women should get into this – approach the subject kiddingly if you have to, and if lesbianism hangs you up (it does me, a little), just keep in mind that you're not making love with another woman. It's just a bit of voyeurism!

Last year, I did something I slightly regret. I asked a girl I know to go to bed with me just because I wanted someone to suck on my nipples while I masturbated. I didn't do anything for her. I'm no lesbian, and she's quite unattractive, so I couldn't bring myself to a reciprocate. I just HAD to have someone suck my tits hard and watch me lay there spread open so wide, rubbing my clitoris and stretching and impaling myself so deliciously on a long thick candle! She was great!

As to fantasies, I imagine that five lesbians come over and work on me. I've got one sucking and licking each tit. Two hold my legs as wide apart as they can get while the fifth eats me. This one produces a VERY large dildo. I protest that I can't take one that big, then the two holding my legs open assure me that I'll open up for it and love it that big and to relax.

Number five keeps sucking my clit and just pushes it in a little.

Soon I'm begging her to go all the way. Put it in me! Deep. I want it deep inside me! It's great.

I also imagine I'm at the Masters and Johnson clinic with their “fucking machine.”

Sometimes my husband and I are in a film showing deprived women what they're missing, so they can get their lovers on the ball!

Sometimes I just remember my friend staring at me while I masturbated in broad daylight. It was wonderful to lay there –

cunt wide open, masturbating deliciously, nipples tight and pointy while another woman watched sighing, “Wow, you don't need any help. Look at those tits! That dildo is so big. I'll bet it feels great.”

Good luck on your books.

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Have you ever looked at yourself in the mirror and not really “seen” what you look like? You've grown so used to your features that your eyes just glide over your face without really taking note – until another person comes along and looks at you in the mirror too. Suddenly, it is as if you can see yourself with the other person's eyes. You become someone new to yourself; you examine your eyes, nose, mouth, as if seeing them for the first time. It is a strangely stimulating experience.

Some of that feeling is the emotion behind Noranna's fantasy, which is the last letter printed above. Having a friend watch her while she masturbated heightened the erotic thrill of the experience … made the event more real to her. Liz's and Fanny's masturbatory fantasies, which follow here, also involved observers who enhance the eroticism of what is going on. Most “… all of my fantasies make me an exhibitionist,” Fanny writes. “When I was younger, I used to stand in front of my window naked and play with myself, fantasizing that there was a man watching me move my body around.” Many a woman's masturbatory fantasies involve a spectator, often entire audiences of people not only watching
but
applauding
as she slowly and adeptly brings her to full arousal.

In our usual, obvious exhibitionism – vying for attention with a new dress, a lower neckline, or higher hemline – the applause women get is for something that is
not
us: dresses or hemlines are contrived, bought, outside ourselves. Yes, the compliments we get for how we look are lovely, but how much more satisfying it would be to be complimented on our naked selves, our real selves, the erotic selves we allow ourselves to be in our masturbatory fantasies? Is it surprising that the erotic images that accompany many a woman's slow, knowing manipulation of her own body toward orgasm are those of other people view-ing her at last as admirable, not because she hides her sexuality behind a pretty dress but because of her candor in revealing it to them? To be seen while masturbating can be an ultimate moment for a woman who may never have felt complete sexual pleasure, or who feels even in the throes of orgasm that her 202

pleasure would be heightened, realer to herself, if it had not gone unseen. (Thus, the popularity of mirrors on the ceiling in bordellos.)

Even guilt, the great deterrent in reality, becomes a woman's sexual partner in a variation of these masturbatory fantasies: while bringing herself toward orgasm, she fantasizes approaching footsteps, the impending arrival of someone who will find her, catch her, “see” her. The closer she comes to being discovered, the greater the thrill of getting away with the forbidden act. The crash of orgasm, in these fantasies, comes at the very last second before the closed door is opened, the curtain pulled away, the light flicked on … .

A woman who signs her letter “Anonymous” gives us an unusual variation of the masturbating-while-someone-watches fantasy … watching her lover masturbate. This is another idea that our culture finds difficult to accept: men themselves don't think the sight of their sexuality in all its forms is exciting for women to look at.

I believe just the opposite is true. Women not only love to look at men, but they also enjoy watching them masturbate. To carry this idea to its ultimate, I also believe there are women who would enjoy watching their lovers make love to another man (as several letters in this book testify). I have found this idea difficult to discuss even with therapists and psychiatrists, but it stays in my mind with a certain symmetrical logic: men have always enjoyed watching women naked, women playing with themselves; above all, the sight of two women making love to each other is notoriously the ultimate turn-on for most men. Why then is it so difficult to reverse the roles and recognize that women would find just as much arousal in seeing two men in a circus?

Fanny

I'm not even through reading your book on woman's sexual fantasies, but I just had to write to you and tell you that it is absolutely
fantastic!

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I never knew that there were so many woman who had sexual fantasies. I've always had them as far back as I can remember. I always felt that I was weird or oversexed.

I'm sort of caught between two generations. I'm twenty-three years old, this is my second marriage; the first time, I was sixteen and pregnant. The second time, I was nineteen and pregnant (the second time, I didn't know I was pregnant). As you can see, even though I was brought up that sex was a no-no, and you wait until you were married, I didn't. When I was fourteen years old, I was raped. Not violently. I knew both of the guys, and one of them I had gone out with for a month or so. I had never let him fuck me, but he had eaten me, and I had eaten him. (He was eighteen, by the way.) One night, I was at a barn dance in Vermont. I guess he was really mad at me, because he thought I had done it with someone else. So he and his friend got me when I went outside to go to the bathroom. I was scared at first, but he kept on saying, “wow, feel this cunt, isn't this the best cunt you've ever felt?” This was before they were inside of me, he was using his fingers and hand. That is where I started getting turned on. Then when he started fucking me, I was lost in sexual pleasure. He kept on talking all the time, saying “wow, you have a really beautiful cunt; I want to take my prick out of you and suck it, but I can't, it's too good.” By this time, I was starting to scream with pleasure, and he told his friend to keep his hands over my mouth as there were other people all around us. When he was done, it was his friend's turn, and believe me, he was just as good. All the time, they were fucking me, they were talking about my tits and cunt, which made me unafraid and enjoy it. Every day I thank him for making my first time so wonderful. I guess that couldn't be called a fantasy, as it actually happened, but I often think about it, and then I masturbate. I also think that that is why most all of my fantasies make me an exhibitionist. When I was younger, I used to stand in front of my window naked and play with myself, fantasizing that there was a man watching me move my body around, play with my nipples, stick my fingers in and out of my cunt, and whack myself off right there before him, and after I finished, he would come into the house and fuck me. That was when I climaxed.

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One of my fantasies now is that I'm on stage in front of a room filled with men and only about a dozen women. I come out and strip to the music; then I walk back 'n' forth playing with my tits (I usually do this in front of my mirrors to get the effect), bending over, spreading my ass apart so that they can see my two holes. By now, the men are screaming, “Come on, baby,” and the women are in shock. Then I bend over backward and do the same thing, so they can get a good look at my cunt this time. Then my hands start going all over my body as my body moves to the music. Now I notice that some of the men have their pricks out and taking the situation in hand and screaming, “Come on, baby, let me see that big cunt of yours again.” Now I lie down on two stools and start whacking my cunt off, making sure my legs are spread wide, so they can see my cunt jiggle, and now some of the men have dragged the women up on stage and are fucking them while they are watching me and seeing my cunt move, which makes them fuck the cunt they have all the harder, until finally everyone has made it.