Foreign Affairs (85 page)

‘You don’t know the meaning of the word,’ he snapped and walked out of the kitchen leaving her shaking.

Helen lay in bed waiting for Nick. Her heart was thumping. Had she imagined it? Had Nick and Paula been embracing? What was wrong with her? she thought in disgust. Paula and
Nick loved her. Why was she feeling so unsettled these past few months? It was the change. The hot flushes, the dryness, the edgy moods. It was a horrible feeling. She felt scared and unattractive.
She felt middle-aged, like a different woman. She couldn’t blame Nick if he found Paula more attractive. She was young and vibrant and firm of body, not like her sagging stretch-marked
aunt.

Hot tears trickled silently down her cheeks. She’d made an awful fool of herself back there in the kitchen. Maybe she should go and apologize. Helen bit her lip in the dark. She had been
imagining it, hadn’t she? Paula and Nick would never betray her.

She heard Nick open the door. Helen lay in the dark trying to stop crying. He took off his trousers and got into bed beside her.

‘Are you all right, Helen?’ he asked tiredly. She was too choked up to answer. Nick turned and leaned on his elbow and looked down at her. ‘Stop crying, Helen.’ He gently
caressed her cheek.

‘Do you love me still?’ She sobbed. ‘Do you find me attractive?’

‘Of course I love you. I’ll always love you. I’ll always find you attractive,’ Nick said vehemently. ‘Don’t ever doubt it, Helen.’

‘It’s just, lately I feel so peculiar. I feel tired all the time. I’m getting hot flushes. I think it’s the menopause,’ she wept. ‘I’m going to be a
dried-up old prune.’

‘No you’re not,’ Nick soothed. ‘Why didn’t you tell me about this before? Don’t keep things to yourself, Helen. We’ll go to the doctor on Monday and get
you seen to. Maybe she will give you some of those HTR things I’ve read about.’

‘HRT.’ Helen gave a shaky laugh.

‘Should I go and apologize to Paula?’ she asked hesitantly.

‘Paula’s had too much to drink, Helen. She’s probably asleep by now. Leave her be until the morning,’ Nick said gently. ‘Now let me put my arms around you and go to
sleep, I’m not used to partying until the early hours.’

‘I love you, Nick,’ Helen murmured sleepily.

‘And I love you,’ she heard him say as his arms tightened around her. She had to believe it. Wanted desperately to believe it. Nick’s lips caressed her shoulder. ‘Go to
sleep, Helen,’ he murmured. ‘We’ve an early start in the morning.’

Helen lay in the reassuring circle of his arms and the tension eased out of her body. Nick was right. HRT might be just the thing for her. At least it would stop her thinking like a crazy woman
. . . because she was crazy to think that Nick and Paula would ever betray her.

Nick listened to Helen’s deep breathing and wished he could sleep. He lay in the darkness replaying what had occurred between him and Paula, over and over.

She’d said she loved him. Said she’d always loved him. It was like a bolt from the blue. There’d always been a huge bond between them, he couldn’t deny that. They had a
warm affectionate teasing relationship almost from the start when she’d come to housekeep for him, that had developed over the years into a love of sorts, he supposed. Not the sort of love
Paula felt. She was very special and important to him, there was no denying it, but he’d never thought of her other than as Helen’s niece. He’d watched her growing up from a
beautiful determined teenager to a beautiful successful young woman. He’d seen men come and go in her life. There’d been that PE teacher, and then the chap in Spain that she’d
told Helen about. There’d been some mention of a Frenchman. Now Kieran was supposed to have told her he loved her. He could understand why men were attracted to Paula. She
was
beautiful.

Nick groaned softly in the dark remembering her kisses. Her mouth had tasted like honey. Her body had been so sensual against his. Her breasts soft and firm and rounded. She wanted him. It was
incredible. What did she find attractive about him? It wasn’t just that she’d been drunk. She meant every word she said. Her urgency, her passion had aroused him so that he’d
forgotten everything except the desire to explore and caress and kiss her. No-one, not Eleanor, not Helen, or any of the women he’d been involved with, had ever kissed him with such hunger
and desire as Paula had. He’d have to have been made of stone not to respond. It had been madness. At least he could comfort himself that he’d come to his senses even before Helen
arrived. He wouldn’t have made love to Paula, he loved Helen too much. Or would he have? He’d wanted her. She’d aroused him very easily. The feel of her young firm urgent body had
turned him on. He remembered the feel of her lovely breasts and the rush of pleasure and desire he’d experienced when Paula had touched him.

She was right, Nick thought grimly. Now whenever he looked at her, he would always wonder what it would have been like. The thought aroused him even more. He wanted her now. He turned away from
Helen.

Oh Paula, he thought tiredly. Why me? You could have any man you desire. Why did you choose me?

Paula undressed in the dark and got into one of the divans in the guest room. She had a blinding headache. She felt nauseous. She was still trembling after what had happened.
Why had she done it? Why had she snapped after all these years of damping down her feelings and gritting her teeth and getting on with it?

If only Nick hadn’t come in to the kitchen. If he hadn’t put his arms around her. Once he’d put his arms around her and she’d rested her cheek against the dark tangle of
hair on his chest and felt his heartbeat beneath her, she was lost. And then when he’d responded to her kisses and she’d felt the firm pressure of his mouth on hers and felt his tongue
tasting her, she’d wanted him so badly she couldn’t hold back. For those brief few moments Nick wanted her too. And then sanity came rushing back and he’d looked at her in disgust
and told her to stop. He loved Helen. Even then, she’d begged him to make love to her.
Begged
him. Blood rushed to her cheeks at the memory. She had no pride. Just need. A need that
had overpowered her so much that she had betrayed Helen and made Nick despise her. Now both of them were lost to her for ever.

Paula buried her face in the pillow, too numb to cry.

There was no sleep for her that night. She tossed and turned, frantic with grief and worry. What would she do if Helen wanted nothing to do with her? Had Helen believed her when she lied and
said Nick was just comorting her? She’d never be able to look Nick in the face again. Maybe they wouldn’t let her see Nicola again. Her life was crumbling around her.

Around eight-thirty the next morning Paula heard voices in the next bedroom. Helen and Nick were awake. She slipped into her dressing-gown and went down to the kitchen to put the kettle on for
the tea. A movement at the door made her turn around. Her heart was thumping. It was Helen. She was already dressed.

‘Good morning,’ Paula said warily.

‘Hello,’ Helen said quietly. They looked at each other.

‘About last night—’

‘I’m sorry, Paula, I was tired and emotional,’ Helen said, embarrassed.

Relief washed over Paula. Thank you, God, she sent up the heartfelt prayer. ‘I was pretty emotional myself. I think I drowned Nick,’ she said lightly. ‘That will teach me to
drink brandy as a nightcap.’ Helen held out her arms. Paula rushed into them and hugged her aunt tightly. She was consumed with guilt. But that would be her punishment. Anything was worth
Helen’s peace of mind. Over Helen’s shoulder Paula saw Nick stop short as he saw them embracing. His blue eyes met Paula’s. There was no warmth in them. Things would never be the
same between them again. She had effectively quenched the affection he’d felt for her ever since they’d known each other. Paula took a deep breath. She’d ruined everything and
destroyed Nick’s friendship. She had to live with the consequences.

‘What would you like for breakfast?’ she asked quietly.

‘We won’t have anything, Paula. We’ve to collect Nicola early, Barbara has visitors coming and I don’t want to impose,’ Helen said.

‘Won’t you even have coffee?’ she asked, looking directly at Nick.

‘No thanks, Paula. I’ll make something when we get home. Unless Nick wants a cup?’

‘No, I’ll wait, thanks,’ he said evenly.

‘Why don’t you go back to bed, you look exhausted?’ Helen suggested.

‘Yeah, I’ll do that.’ Paula sighed.

They got their coats and Paula stood at the door watching them as they walked down the carpeted landing. Helen turned to wave. Nick didn’t look back.

Helen had made the bed in her bedroom. Paula slid in between the sheets and tried not to think that Nick had slept between them the night before. She was completely drained and too tired to
think. She fell asleep cuddling a pillow against her.

The chimes of the doorbell woke her from a deep sleep. For a minute, she didn’t know where she was. Memories returned. The burden descended on her shoulders.

It was Kieran. Paula pressed the buzzer and let him in. She knew she looked a sight, she was too dispirited to care.

‘God, you look rough,’ he said. Tears came to her eyes. She turned away so he wouldn’t see them.

‘Hey, I didn’t mean to upset you, Paula. Don’t mind me and my big mouth,’ he apologized.

‘I did something awful last night,’ she blurted out. ‘I told Nick I loved him, I tried to get him to make love to me. Helen nearly caught us and now he hates me.’ Paula
covered her face and wept bitter tears. Kieran looked at her, an expression of pain and pity in his eyes.

‘Come here,’ he said gently and led her to the sofa. He held her until she stopped crying. ‘Tell me about it from the beginning.’ Paula told him and blushed as she
confessed that she’d used him as a scapegoat.

‘That’s OK,’ he said quietly. ‘I just came by to tell you that what I said last night doesn’t affect our business relationship as far as I’m
concerned.’

‘I don’t know, Kieran, I don’t know. I’ve got to get away. I’ve got to take a good long look at myself and see where I’m going and what I’m doing. I
don’t know if I’m going to stay in Ireland.’

‘Don’t do anything hasty,’ he advised. ‘Look, why don’t you think about taking off for a week or two somewhere? Take Jennifer with you. She needs a break. Use any
of the company facilities and just go away and relax and put things in perspective.
Then
make your decisions,’ he said firmly.

Paula nodded. The thought of running away for a week or so was just what she needed.

‘I’ll speak to Jenny and see if she’s interested,’ she agreed.

‘Good.’

‘You’re very good to me, Kieran,’ Paula murmured.

‘I’m a sucker for a damsel in distress,’ he said lightly. ‘And I’ll never give up hope.’

‘Oh Kieran—’

‘Don’t say anything. I just want you to know it. Now go and have a look through the brochures and decide where you want to go. We’ll fix something up tomorrow.’ Kieran
stood up, kissed her on the cheek and walked out of the sitting-room. Paula heard the front door close. He was a good man. Could she ever fall in love with him? The memory of Nick kissing her
crowded her mind.

‘Stop it,’ she gritted. She picked up the current edition of the Holiday Villa brochure and began to flick through it. Anything to take her mind off the events of the night before.
With grim determination, Paula began the task of selecting her holiday location.

Chapter Eighty-Eight

Paula closed the Holiday Villa file on her computer terminal and sat back in her chair with a thoughtful expression on her face. With Easter coming up, many of the villas were
booked. There were two vacancies in Majorca, one in Lanzarote and one in Corfu. She didn’t care where they went. Jennifer could take her pick. Kieran had planted the idea in her mind and now
she was anxious to get away. She needed a holiday to try and get her thoughts together. As soon as he’d left her, Paula showered and dressed and drove over to the office to see what was
available. She was running away but she didn’t care. The way she felt, she wanted to get as far away as possible and never stop running.

She lifted the phone and dialled Jennifer’s number. Jennifer answered and Paula knew from the tone in her friend’s voice that she was making a huge effort to be cheerful. The
miscarriage had hit her badly.

‘Hi, it’s me,’ Paula said. ‘I was wondering if you’ll be at home for the next hour or so, I wanted to pop in and ask you something.’

‘Ask me what?’ Jennifer wanted to know.

‘I can’t talk to you here,’ Paula said hastily. ‘I’m in the office.’

‘Paula Matthews, you’ll end up a workaholic!’ Jennifer remonstrated. ‘Going in to the office on Saturday. Are you mad? I thought you’d be wrecked after last
night.’

‘I am. Jenny, something happened after you left. It was horrible. I’ll tell you all about it when I see you,’ Paula replied. ‘I don’t want to go into it on the
phone. Will we be able to have a bit of privacy? I know Rachel’s staying to look after you for the few days. But it’s too private to talk to anyone else about it, except you.’

‘I’m here on my own. An aunt of theirs is in hospital and they’ve gone to visit her so I’ll have the kettle on for you. Hurry on,’ Jennifer instructed.

‘I’m on my way,’ Paula promised.

What on earth was wrong with Paula, Jennifer wondered as she went out to the kitchen to put on the kettle. Everything had gone very well at the party the previous night. The
only people who’d stayed were Helen, Nick and Kieran. Paula’d said something horrible had happened. Jennifer couldn’t figure it out at all. She stretched up to one of the presses
for a packet of biscuits, and winced at the pain in her ribs. She had a lot of bruising still, although ugly purple and black had faded to a dull yellow.

Jennifer sighed. She’d tried to get into the spirit of the party last night, not wanting to be a party-pooper with a long face. It was an effort to put on a brave front. She knew Ronan was
worried about her. He watched her like a hawk. It wasn’t fair to him to be always crying and down in the dumps. He was as upset as she was about losing the baby, but he tried to keep cheerful
for her. The least she could do was to make the same effort for him. Kieran had been his usual kind self. She was off work for as long as she wanted, on full sick pay.