Forever & an Engine (24 page)

‘Ok baby?’

‘Yes, Agnes
said I need to walk. Will you come with me?’

‘I’m not
letting you go anywhere dressed like that Mia. Is that really the longest top
you had?’

‘I have my
dressing gown jealous boy,’ I said with an amused smile.

He helped
me put it on, along with my slippers and gave me his arm and we walked up and
down the corridor back and forth for about fifteen minutes.

‘Ok you’ve
gone even paler, if that’s possible, I want you back in bed now.’

‘Ooooo
don’t say things like that, you’ll get me all horny.’

‘You need
to have a sleep Mia and get sex off your brain until you’re better.’

‘Ok, Mr
Bossy’s back it seems.’ I kicked off my slippers as he took off my dressing
gown and helped me back into bed. I turned on the TV and reclined the bed to a
half lying down position shuffling to the edge.

‘Mia I’d be
a lot happier if you were in the middle so you don’t fall out.’

‘I was
hoping you’d come and get on it with me again.’

‘Baby you
need to sleep.’

‘I can
sleep with you on the bed with me, please Gabe,’ I pleaded. He sighed and climbed
up and put his arm around my shoulder and pulled my head onto his chest as he
stroked my arm. ‘Gabe?’

‘Yes?’

‘It really means
a lot that you were here today, for me and for Lexi. Thank you,’ I whispered
and felt my eyes fill up.

‘You’re
welcome baby, you’re crying again, do you need a tissue?’

‘No I’m
good. I love you.’

‘I love
you,’ he whispered planting a kiss on my forehead. ‘Now please close your eyes
and go to sleep before I get mad again.’

I was woken
up by him gently nosing my hair. ‘Mia?’

‘Hmmm.’

‘Dinners
here.’

‘Did I sleep
long?’ I asked as I opened my eyes yawning.

‘About an
hour.’

‘And you
still have your arm around me?’

‘Yes, you
looked really comfortable, so I didn’t want to disturb you.’

‘Did you
sleep?’

‘No.’

‘Were you
watching me again?’

‘Yes, I
wanted to make sure you were ok, no breathing problems or anything after the
anaesthetic,’ he smiled and I burst into tears. ‘God what’s wrong baby? Are you
in pain?’

‘No, I just
love you.’ I sobbed as I buried my face in his chest and took a deep breath of
his soothing scent.

‘Why are
you crying?’

‘I don’t
know, you’re being so nice to me and taking care of me so well and I’m not used
to that from a man. I feel really emotional.’

‘You’re
tired, it’s been a tough day. Come on have some dinner. I picked asparagus
spears with hollandaise, a roast chicken dinner
with
bread sauce and
then a white chocolate and raspberry cheesecake.’ He smiled at me as I lifted
my face up to look at him. ‘Did I chose ok?’

‘Yes thank
you. Are you having something?’ I sniffed as he wiped my tears.

‘Yes I
chose the same as you. Come on baby, eat for me and you’ll feel better.’

He was
right, the food was good and really cheered me up. We both ate quickly we were
so hungry and I knocked back the apple juice he’d ordered for me. He pulled the
table away and sat on the side of the bed facing me.

‘So what
was it like going under?’

‘You’ve
never had an operation?’

‘Never been
in hospital, other than being born.’

‘They
injected me with something and I went really woozy. I remember counting from
ten to seven and then nothing until I woke up.’

‘No dreams?’
he asked surprised and I frowned trying to remember what it was like.

‘No, it’s
really weird, just like my last op, I knew a long time had passed, but at the
same time I couldn’t remember anything. I remember crying when I first woke up
and then voices, but nothing else until I woke up here with you and the nurse
came in and took my mask off.’

‘You
seriously don’t remember your conversations with me?’

‘What
conversations?’

‘You were
so delirious it was quite funny.’

‘What did I
say?’

‘Stuff
about me,’ he said smiling.

‘What
stuff?’ I said groaning.

‘How much
you loved me, how sexy I was, how
big
I was and you were pretty graphic
about some scenario’s you wanted to try out.’

‘O shit
really?’

‘O yes,’ he
nodded, happily.

‘Not in
front of the nurse?’

‘No, we
were alone thank god.’

‘I hope you
committed them to memory so we can try them out,’ I smiled.

‘Trust me,
I won’t forget a couple of those in a hurry.’

‘Lexi’s not
rung me back Gabe, I’m worried about her,’ I sighed.

‘Doug text
me earlier to say she’d just woken up. I’m sure she’ll ring shortly.’ He smiled
at me quickly, then frowned. ‘Mia, when can we talk about your diagnosis?’

‘What’s to
talk about? It is what it is,’ I said with a shrug.

‘You really
have no feelings on the matter?’

‘I’m
relieved to know what’s wrong and that I can discuss what we can do to help
with the attacks and the period pains yes,’ I had a feeling that wasn’t where
he was going with this line of enquiry and broke eye contact.

‘I meant
the other stuff, don’t you remember what she said?’

‘The part
where she doesn’t think I can have children?’ I quickly looked up at him and he
quickly looked down, avoiding eye contact with me this time.

‘Yes, you
just don’t seem to have had a reaction to it.’

‘Gabe I
don’t want to fight again,’ I sighed. ‘I’m tired, I don’t need this now.’

‘We’re not
fighting, we’re talking.’

‘No you’re
trying to make me feel something again when I don’t.’

‘I can’t
make you feel anything you don’t Mia, I just want you to know that if you need
to talk I’m here.’

‘I’m sorry
Gabe, but the children thing just really pushes my buttons.’

‘Yes you’ve
already made that perfectly clear,’ he said with a heavy sigh as he stood up
and walked over to the window and stared out of it.

‘Gabe
please don’t be like that.’

‘Like what
Mia?’ He was short and sharp.

‘You seem
mad with me again and you’re not even looking at me.’ He turned around to face
me and I wished hadn’t. I could tell in his eyes he was angry again.

‘So it’s
only ok when you shut down? You only ever talk to me when it’s on your terms
Mia, I find it so frustrating. I want to be here for you but I can’t if you
won’t let me. You keep shutting me out when it comes to important things.’

‘Gabe
please, I’m not trying to shut you out. I’ve never been good at this. I told
you that from the start, I warned you.’

‘This is
why you wanted no strings, to avoid having to be honest with anyone? With me?’

‘I’ve been
honest about my feelings for you Gabe. The rest of the stuff, that’s what I’m
not good with. If I don’t understand it all myself, how can I even try to talk
to you?’

‘I thought
that’s how a relationship helps people Mia. You share things, it makes you
close.’

‘You don’t
feel close to me?’ I whispered, looking at him horrified. I’d already shared
more with him than any other boyfriend.

‘Mia,
sometimes I feel so close to you it’s like you’re a part of me, I understand
you so well. Then suddenly you shut the door on me and I’m on the outside
looking in and it hurts.’ He walked over and sat on the spare bed facing me.

‘Gabe I’m
not shutting any doors, I’m really trying, I promise I am, but it’s only been a
few weeks, you need to give me time. I can’t fill you in on 18 years of my life,
18 years of my issues and fears overnight.’

‘I don’t
expect you to Mia, just talk to me about the ones that confront us as they
happen. You didn’t yesterday and look how that turned out.’

‘Gabe
please, it’s been a really physically and emotionally tiring day and on top of
that I’m worried that I haven’t heard from my best friend who really needs me
today. I just don’t need all this extra shit.’ I pulled off the bedclothes and
eased myself to the edge of the bed, I needed out of here for a while, to step
back from him when he was in one of these moods. I wanted to go and phone Lexi
and she if she was ok.

‘Mia stay
in bed.’

‘No, I’m
getting up.’ I pushed myself up too quickly and felt my head spinning and
started to wobble. I reached out to grab the bedside table and missed and felt
myself falling, suddenly his arms were around me. He bent down and carefully
lifted up my legs and I gasped at the pull in my stomach as he held me in his
arms and looked down at me and sighed. ‘Please don’t do that, it’s not fair,’ I
groaned.

‘What’s not
fair?’

‘I’m mad
with you for pushing me to talk, but you’re being all chivalrous, manly and
loving and sweet when you’ve no reason to be and it’s too much.’

‘It’s not
too much, it’s what you need right now, I’m sorry for pushing you.’

‘It’s just
too much to talk today Gabe, please don’t make me talk about it.’

‘Ok we
don’t have to talk today.’ He lay me back down in my bed and sighed as I felt
tears start to roll down my face.

‘Great now I’m
crying, why am I bloody crying again?’ I moaned. He stroked my cheek and I nuzzled
into his hand sobbing. ‘I miss Lexi, why hasn’t she called me Gabe?’

‘Mia it’s
been a long day and you’re tired. They warned me you may feel emotional and
tearful after the anaesthetic. I’m going to phone Doug and ask him to put Lexi
on so you can talk to her, then you’re going back to sleep. It’s ok baby, it’s
going to be ok.’ I felt his lips on the side of my head, which made me cry even
harder. I watched through my tears as he dug his phone out of his pocket and
held it to his ear.

‘Doug, it’s
me. What the hell’s going on? We’ve not heard from either of you since your
last text and I’ve got Mia here in tears about Lexi. Call me straight away,’ he
snapped.

‘No
answer?’

‘No, went
straight to his answer machine.’

‘What if
something’s happened Gabe?’ I sobbed, my imagination was running away with me.
‘What if she convinced Doug she was fine? What if she’s bleeding really badly?
What if she’s fallen over and hurt herself and she’s lying there alone?’

‘I’ll try
the landline and if there’s no reply I’m ringing Doug’s parents to go and check
on them. Mia you need to stop crying baby, you need to rest. I’m just going to
check that there haven’t been any messages left at the nurses station ok?’

‘Ok.’ I
wiped my eyes on my sheet and just when I thought I’d stopped, the tears
started again. I looked up when I heard the door and saw Agnes.

‘Mia, I’ve
bought you some medication sweetheart. Some painkillers to see you through the
night and something to help you relax.’

‘I don’t
need them thank you,’ I sniffed.

‘You think
you don’t because some of the drugs are still in your system, but when they
wear off you’re going to be very uncomfortable so I need you to take them for
me now ok.’ She handed me a little paper cup with three pills in and walked
around the bed and passed me a cup of water. ‘Come on Mia, swallow them and I’ll
go and get you a box of tissues and a hot drink and take your blood pressure
again.’

I knocked
the tablets back and grimaced at the taste, ‘Ewwwww.’

‘There’re
not pleasant are they? What would you like a tea, coffee? Hot chocolate?’ she
asked. Hot chocolate reminded me of Lexi, she would have got me one, she always
got me one when I was feeling down and that started me crying again.

‘She likes
hot chocolate with two sugars please Agnes and I’d love a cup of black coffee.’

‘Of course,
I’ll be back shortly. Mia’s just had her tablets, so I suggest you help her now
if she needs the bathroom as they should take effect quite quickly.’

‘Thanks.’

I watched Agnes
leave, rubbing my eyes and looked at him. ‘What’s going on?’

‘I got him
on the landline. They only got bloody pissed in the cinema without their
phones. He’s helping her back upstairs to bed and will get her to ring you when
she’s settled in which shouldn’t be long. Apart from slightly drunk, she’s fine.’

‘O thank god,
thank you.’

‘Come on,
let’s get you to the bathroom and sorted while we wait.’

He helped
me up and waited outside while I went to the toilet and changed my towel and
flushed the chain. I called for him to come back in and he stood behind me at
the sink holding my hips while I washed my hands and brushed my teeth. I looked
at us both in the mirror, neither of us looked our best. I was still pale and
had puffy eyes and red cheeks from crying and he looked exhausted and on edge.
He held my hand and walked me back to bed. Agnes returned with our drinks and checked
my readings and took me off the monitor and tubes and announced that she’d
return in the middle of the night to check on me, but that we were to press the
buzzer for her if we needed her.