Forever & an Engine (26 page)

‘I’d wait
until the stitches have fallen off and take it gently, no diving. It’ll help
strengthen your stomach muscles again but only a few lengths every day, you’ll
feel it if you do too much. Ann will come later with your medication and then you’re
free to go and I’ll send a letter regarding next Friday’s appointment.’

‘Thank you,’
Gabe and I said in unison. I smiled at her as she left and Gabe came over and
kissed me.

‘Do you
mind if I nip out? I’ve got a few errands to run before you come home.’

‘No of
course not. What time is it?’

‘9.45 I’ll
be back by 11ish. Try and sleep for me baby ok?’

‘Are you
going to be ok? You look so tired Gabe,’ I said squeezing his hand.

‘I’ll be
fine.’

‘Gabe,
thank you. Thanks for paying for me, for being so caring and patient and
putting up with my crazy mood swings.’

‘Mia, your
eyes are filling up again. Go to sleep.’

‘I love you,’
I smiled as I brushed away some stray tears.

‘You too
baby, you’ll never know how much.’ He tucked me in and gave me a pillow to hug.
‘See you soon.’

I sighed as
he left and picked up my phone and sent Lexi a text.

How are you
Lex? Is Doug still with you? I’m coming out later, so be back with you this
afternoon. How long are you staying off? I’ve been told to stay off all of next
week too. I’m going to get so behind. Hope you’re ok? Xx

I surfed
the internet and ordered something for Gabe, choosing the gift wrap option.
Then I spent ages searching for a very specific item for him, feeling really
pleased with myself when I located and ordered it. I also found and applied for
an interest free credit card but wasn’t given an instant decision. I was going
to think carefully about how I was going to raise the money to repay Gabe. Ann
came in and gave me my medication and told me that I was free to go, but that the
room was mine as long as I needed. She offered to bring the lunch menu for me
to pre-order, but I refused as I knew Gabe would want to get out of here as
soon as possible, so I decided to have another nap. I was woken up by my phone
vibrating, it was a message from Lexi.

Hey.
Just woke up. U ok? B gud 2CU. Hvng rest of week off. D still ere but az lect
this arvo. CU soon x

I sat up in
bed too quickly and gasped holding my stomach, I was going to have to be more
careful. I got up and took two of my painkillers, grabbed my skinny jeans out
of the wardrobe and sat at on the dressing table stool and tried desperately to
get them over my feet but I couldn’t lean down far enough. I gave up frustrated
and put on my bra and vest top and gathered up my toiletries and clothes and laid
them out on the spare bed. I got back into bed to watch TV and smiled happily
when the door opened and Gabe appeared.

‘Sorry,
took a bit longer than expected, how are you?’

‘I’ve been
discharged and I’ve got my meds so we’re good to go. I need some help with my
jeans and boots though sorry, I still can’t bend over.’

‘Sure,
that’s great news that we can go home.’ He kissed me and helped me to the edge
of the bed and grabbed my jeans pulling them over my feet and started to
wriggle them up my calves. ‘Mia, what were you thinking bringing such tight
jeans with you?’

‘I wanted
to look smart, I didn’t think.’

‘Well you
need to stand up and hold onto something while I try and gently yank them up.’ I
held onto the end of the bed and we laughed as he struggled to pull them up
over my hips. ‘I’m used to undressing you baby, not dressing you, turn around
for me.’ He carefully pulled them up at the back and bent down to smooth the
legs down. ‘Can you do them up?’

‘I can
try,’ I giggled. I just about managed the zip and breathed in and held my breath
to try and do the button, thankful they were low riders and avoided my navel
incision, but wow they felt tight. ‘For god’s sake I look about six months
pregnant my stomach’s so swollen,’ I said laughing. I looked at him and saw a
shadow cross his face and he turned his back to me and started to load up my
case. I suddenly felt sick, this children issue was really affecting him. ‘Gabe?’

‘What?’

‘You
really
want children don’t you?’ I asked, dreading the answer. I watched his back as
he sighed, but he said nothing. ‘Gabe?’

‘I thought you
didn’t want to talk about this Mia?’

‘
I
don’t
want to Gabe, but I think you do. You said in a relationship we need to talk about
the things that affect us and that I needed to be more open, so I’m asking you
to talk to me.’ I heard him sigh again and he turned around, sat on the spare
bed and looked at me quickly, then back down at the floor. ‘Gabe?’

‘What do
you want me to say Mia?’

‘What you’re
feeling.’

‘I feel
angry,’ he said quietly as he ran his hand through his hair.

‘At me?’ I
asked, surprised.

‘Yes … no…
I don’t know,’ he shrugged.

‘You do
know, just say it.’

‘I’m angry
that you’re in this situation, which I know isn’t your fault, but I’m more
angry about the fact that you don’t seem bothered by it at all,’ he said
flashing me an annoyed glance.

‘I can’t
change anything Gabe, it is what it is. Getting angry’s not going to help me
deal with it. Why are you so angry?’

‘I may be a
guy Mia, but even guys think about settling down. Despite my detachment from
the women I slept with I always hoped one day I’d find the girl that I’d want
to settle down with, that we’d get married and have a family and I could give
my kids the childhood and proper family unit that I never had. It’s just hard
to accept that after so many women I felt nothing for, I finally I did it, I
found you, but you don’t seem to want the same things.’ He lifted his head to
look at me as he finished speaking and I could see he was serious, he was
actually feeling hurt. I exhaled heavily, I really didn’t like the direction
this conversation was heading in.

‘Gabe I’m
really sorry, but I don’t believe in marriage and even if I wanted to have
kids, which I don’t, I can’t.’

‘You don’t
know that for sure.’

‘I think
the words Dr Wells used were pretty conclusive.’

‘I don’t
accept that,’ he said stubbornly. ‘She said there were options for you which we
can talk about when we see her next week. We can look into this after we know
what she suggests, there have to be options Mia.’

‘Which I
don’t want to explore Gabe. God I can’t believe we’re discussing marriage and
children, it’s insane,’ I said frustrated, running my own hand through my hair.

‘You told
me to talk to you, now you don’t want to hear what I have to say?’ he snapped
at me.

‘You’re
telling me you want marriage and a family. Even setting aside the fact that it would
terrify
any
girl to be discussing it so soon into a relationship, I
don’t want either of those things.’

‘You could
change your mind Mia.’

‘I don’t
see it happening Gabe. I can live with that, can you?’

‘I guess I
don’t have a choice do I?’ He looked at me and it hurt my heart to see how sad
he looked about it. Was I doing this to him? Was it my fault he looked like
that? I thought about how I felt with my dad not meeting my expectations and
desires and how Lexi had told me that I should end it with Gabe if I couldn’t
give him what he needed. She was probably right, I’d be just as guilty of hurting
him if I gave him false hope over something that seemed to be so important to
him.

‘You do have
a choice Gabe. If marriage and children are this important to you then we need
to stop this now, before we get in any deeper.’ I inhaled sharply as I heard
the words come out of my own mouth. It hurt more than I’d expected it to.

‘How much
deeper can we get Mia?’ he exclaimed, his eyes widening with horror. ‘I’m in
love with you, I love you for god’s sake.’

‘And I love
you, I love you so much Gabe,’ I heard my voice break and watched as he reacted,
standing quickly to take me into his arms and I buried my face in his chest as
I felt yet more tears starting to spill over.

‘You’re
everything to me Mia, but I want all of you. I need to know that you’re totally
mine, to know that one day we’ll vow to stay together, that you’ll wear a ring
on your finger to show everyone you’re mine. To know I’ve got the rest of my
life to spend loving you and to have a child with you would mean everything to
me …’ he broke off and sighed. I closed my eyes tightly, I could feel his body
trembling and his heart was pounding against my ear so loudly. This wasn’t what
I wanted to hear, this wasn’t how I wanted him to feel. We were happy, what was
wrong with just staying as we were?

‘Gabe, I’m already
yours. You have all of me, I can’t offer you anymore. Why do you think a ring
and a marriage certificate would change that?’

‘Because
it’s a symbol of our feelings for each other Mia, showing that we belong to
each other and we’re going to stay together for life.’

‘Gabe
marriage doesn’t bind people together,
people
bind people together, it’s
a personal choice to stay faithful and work through your differences, you don’t
need a ring or a piece of paper to make a relationship work.’

‘But it
shows everyone else Mia.’

‘Shows them
what? I don’t care what everyone else thinks Gabe, as long as we know we love
each other that’s all that matters to me,’ I sighed and he let me go and
stepped back.

‘Mia I grew
up in a one parent household, having a secure family unit is important to me.’

‘Gabe my
dad walked out of his marriage, so did Lexi’s, as do countless people so why
bother? Why go through the big spectacle? Why do couples need a big over the
top day and other peoples approval? And I don’t want children, I don’t want a
child to go through what Lexi has or what you have, parents have an enormous
capacity to hurt and I refuse to do that to someone else.’

‘So we’ll
do it differently Mia, we make a commitment to each other that we’ll be
different, you want a small private wedding instead of a big one I’m fine with
that, but I promise you even if we didn’t work out, I’d never walk away from
our children.’

‘Gabe I
can’t do this, please stop.’ He was looking at me so earnestly I had to cover
my eyes with my hands. ‘It’s too much.’

‘I’m not
proposing now Mia, I just need to know that we’ll get there one day, that you
want to commit to me,’ he sighed. I dropped my hands and looked at him shocked.

‘I
am
committed
to you Gabe, why is a damn piece of paper so important to you?’ I was getting
frustrated now. I was tired and emotional and this was way too deep. All of a
sudden I just wanted Lexi, someone who understood me and wouldn’t pressure me,
someone to make him back off.

‘If it’s
just a piece of paper and you can walk whenever you want, why are you so scared
of it?’

‘Because
it’s a lie Gabe. To vow to love someone forever and then walk away is breaking
a promise, a
serious
promise. I don’t want to be put in that position.’

‘You’re
still scared of fully committing to me?’ His voice had changed, he sounded
surprised.

‘How many
times do I have to say it Gabe, I
am
committed to you, a certificate
won’t make me any more committed, it won’t make me love you anymore.’

‘It’s just
damn symbol of our love Mia, something
I
need, you don’t want to
consider my feelings?’ he snapped. Great now he was getting angry with me.

‘Gabe
please
not now, this is just too much,’ I begged. I’d never felt so totally worn down
as I did in this moment, I was running on fumes.

‘You pushed
me Mia, you asked me to talk and share my feelings, so you don’t get to stop
this conversation just because you don’t like where it’s heading. This is
something that’s really important to me.’

‘To
you
Gabe, not to me.’ I felt some tears of exhaustion and frustration start to roll
down my cheeks. How could a guy who’d had countless one night stands suddenly
become so passionate about committed relationships and marriage? He was asking
too much of me. I’d already given him my heart, I had nothing else to offer.

‘So why ask
for my opinion if you’re just going to shut me down?’ he snapped.

‘I wanted
you to be honest about how you felt Gabe, to lay your cards on the table so I
knew where we stood and you have been, but that doesn’t mean I have to agree
with what you’re saying, just as you’re not accepting what I’m telling you. You’re
trying to change my mind on something I feel equally strongly about Gabe, to
make me agree with something you want.’

‘I can’t
make
you want anything Mia, I
want
you to want the same things I do.’

‘Gabe I’m
sorry but this is it, this is me, this is the whole package and it’s never
going to be enough for you is it?’ I whispered as I wiped away the tears,
feeling completely shattered, physically and emotionally.