Forget Me Not (7 page)

“
So where to?” He
asks.

“
Don’t care,” I say and
take the helmet he offers. I get on the bike behind him, my arms
wrapped around his waist, and I try not to think about how sexy he
is, despite his bad attitude. His body is tense as I lean against
him and I can’t deny that it’s incredibly attractive. He drives me
around town with no direction or plan and I think about how mad
everyone I know would be that I am doing this. I know it isn’t a
big move, but for me, it’s denial of what is expected and that
refreshes me. By the time we make it back to campus, I feel
revived. Almost like I’m myself again. Or possibly even someone
else I could be. That’s the point of college, right? Becoming who
you can be?

It gives me a grim satisfaction to be
with Jack. We walk quietly back to the dorm and before we reach the
doors, he stops and looks me over.

“
Still feeling wild?” I
know what he’s asking and I want to say yes. However, there is a
big difference between riding a motorcycle and cheating on my
boyfriend. Jack is incredibly attractive and my body wants to see
what other kind of trouble I can get into tonight, but that’s
physical. This isn’t right and I shake my head. Here I am getting
jealous about Derek’s friends and I’m flirting with a guy who would
give my parents heart attacks.

“
It’s late,” I tell him.
“And I have to call my boyfriend.” Figure I should throw that in
there to make it clear that I am not going to let this moment of
weakness ruin my future.

“
I told you. He’s crazy to
let you out of his sight.”

He moves closer and already my body is
responding. He smells like cigarettes and leather, two smells I
never thought were sexy until now. I want to fall into his body, to
be wrapped in his arms, and I fight it. It’s wrong and it makes no
sense. I have everything I could ever want. Jack is just a
distraction.

“
I’m not that kind of
girl,” I tell him.

He steps closer still and kisses my
neck. His lips are soft, which is unexpected, and it sends a shiver
through me. Jack brings me in to his chest. I can feel his heart
beating; it’s quickening and it matches mine. I feel his tongue
sliding down along my collarbone. There is nothing like this, but I
need him to stop. And yet, I never want him to stop. “I’d love to
know exactly what kind of girl you are.”

Almost as if they are not my own, my
hands slip between his jacket and his shirt. The heat of his skin
burns me even through the fabric of his clothes. His lips continue
to travel downward, but as they reach the curve of my breasts,
something in me wakes up. I tear myself away from him and back up a
few inches.

“
I have a boyfriend,” I
repeat. “I can’t do this.”

“
Where is he?” Jack asks.
His eyes are burning.

“
What?”

“
Where is your boyfriend?
You’ve mentioned him before, but you run into me a lot for someone
who’s so in love.”

“
It was an accident.” It’s
a weak answer, because even as I say the words, I am thinking about
his lips and tongue on my skin. I want to touch him, to feel him
against me, to know everything about him.

“
Tonight was an
accident?”

I sputter, not able to express what
tonight was. I hate that being this close to him is interfering
with thinking about my relationship. I love Derek. So why am I so
turned on by Jack? Why did I spend the evening with Jack? Why do I
want to breathe in his scent again, to touch the skin that nearly
scorched me?

“
I have a boyfriend,” I
say again, since that’s apparently all I know how to say. It’s
happened; having a boyfriend now defines me. I suddenly feel
slightly irritated at Derek, which is completely unreasonable,
since I’m the one using him as a buffer. It isn’t his fault that
I’m
letting
him
define me.

“
Suit yourself,
princess.”

“
Whatever,
Jack.”

He smiles and heads into the dorm. I
stand outside for a few minutes shaking before following and going
to my room. No one is there when I get back and I wonder if Kristen
is out or in the bathroom. I would really like to talk to her, but
I am alone again. In what seems to be a recurring pattern, I fall
asleep, lonely and confused.

Chapter 6

Once the papers get started and
classes are really underway, college changes. I still miss Derek
tremendously, but I don’t have nearly as much time to be depressed
about it. I join the environmental club because Lyle talks me into
it, although we only meet every few weeks and all we do is talk
about trash. Still, it’s something and Lyle and I have become
friends; he has a massive crush on Kristen, although he says I
absolutely can’t tell her, so she remains oblivious. It’s
comforting to be a part of something outside of myself. Derek and I
still talk as much as we can and I have had no more moments of
weakness with Jack. I’m maintaining solid grades in every class and
it’s all picture perfect. Like something out of an admissions
brochure. Under the surface, though, I remain confused as hell, but
distraction is the key to ignoring it. By Columbus Day weekend, I’m
excited to see Derek and my family, but I’m just as excited to
sleep for more than four hours.

I’m waiting for Jon and Derek to pick
me up when I get a text; it’s Abby. She’s coming home, too, after
spending the last couple of months overseas. It will be an amazing
reunion. She promises to call me when she gets in and I’m looking
forward to getting her input about the Derek and homesickness
situation. However, right now, I just want a nap and I end up
sleeping in the backseat for the entire ride back to my parents’
house.

Derek lives nearby and after he brings
my bags in for me, we stand in the driveway. I’m still half-asleep,
and he needs to visit with his family.

“
I’ll be over first thing
tomorrow morning, okay? And we will have the whole day.” He kisses
the top of my head. It doesn’t feel cute or sweet anymore, but a
little condescending. I tell myself I’m just cranky from lack of
sleep, because he didn’t do anything wrong.

“
What do you want to
do?”

“
Wanna go to the park?” We
spent a lot of time at the park this summer, mostly with me reading
and Derek joining pick-up games of every type. I’d like to do
something a little more romantic, but the fact remains that our
town isn’t really a hub of romance.

“
Sure,” I say, swearing to
myself that I will get a good night’s sleep and I’ll be pleasant
company tomorrow.

“
I love you, Lily. Sweet
dreams tonight.” This time, he doesn’t kiss my head and when he
slips his tongue into my mouth, I remember what I’m missing with
Derek. Since we haven’t seen each other for a while, the sexual
frustration has been building. I want to run my hands all over his
body and get naked right here on the driveway, but since my parents
would definitely not approve, I limit myself to whispering in his
ear after we kiss.

“
I’m so wet thinking about
you. I expect you to fuck me tomorrow.”

Red starts to flare in Derek’s cheeks
and he waves to my parents, who are standing on the front steps,
before kissing me quickly and heading to his house. It’s nice to be
home.

My mom has a huge meal prepared and I
am so happy to see something that is not a mysterious gray meat
that I inhale the dinner. It is so normal and comfortable to be
here that I almost forget how stressful and sad the past month has
been. It is not until Abby calls that night that some of it comes
back to me.

“
So, how’s Derek? Are you
guys, like, fucking like bunnies all weekend every weekend
now?”

“
Oh, Abby, I have so much
to tell you.” Although we’ve talked on Facebook and via email, our
schedules haven’t seemed to mesh since she went overseas. Now, back
at home, in the same time zone, everything I was afraid to say in
email, or couldn’t express in writing, is straining to burst out of
me.

“
Is it bad? Is something
wrong with Derek?” Abby knows better than anyone how much I
obsessed over him for years. She’s the one who bought me the
vibrator last year for my birthday that ended up being the catalyst
for my entire relationship with him. Four years of high school and
three of them consisted of me whining about how badly I wanted to
be with him.

“
No, he’s okay. But, well,
I have only seen him once since school started. We don’t even talk
every night lately because our schedules are so
different.”

“
Are you having a lot of
fun at school?”

“
Not really,” I admit.
“I’m just so sad about Derek. I feel like he doesn’t even care
about me anymore.”

“
That’s weird. You guys
were headed for marriage when we graduated. What
happened?”

“
I don’t know. When he
came to visit, it was amazing, of course, but now we are both so
busy, and I don’t know.” I break down, crying for real for the
first time since school started, because I know she’s right.
It
is
weird and
something must be wrong. I just don’t know what it is. It isn’t
just Derek, either. School isn’t what I thought it would be. I feel
like I am alone most of the time, even with my small group of
friends. Everyone has his or her own schedule and it’s tough
finding time outside of meals to talk. On the weekends, we usually
try to hang out, but someone is always missing for work, a home
visit, or just because something else came up.

“
Maybe you need a break,”
Abby suggests. “Not like a break up, but just time for you to get
settled. I mean, he’s been with you since last year and he also had
time to settle in first. You haven’t even found your own way around
school. I know how you are. You probably just pine over him and act
antisocial, aren’t you?”

“
I have friends,” I
argue.

“
You’re in college. What
do you do every night?”

I’m about to argue again when I
realize that what I do mostly is stay in and work on homework, or
go to the library to work on homework, or talk to Derek. Yes, I go
to meals and hang out with Kristen and the others, but I don’t take
part in most of the events or activities on campus. I can’t claim
that the environmental club is a happening social life. I honestly
can’t say I know anyone outside of the group of people that Kristen
hangs out with - and Jack.

“
You’re right,” I say. “I
love him, Abby. But I don’t even know who I am.”

“
I know. Like I said, you
guys are great and I am not saying break up. I’m just saying it’s
okay to do your own thing. Actually, I bet Derek would be
thrilled.”

“
I know.” The thing is, he
would be thrilled. It would make me less clingy; maybe Abby is
right and it’s what I need to do.

“
There’s not more to it,
is there?” I know she’s asking if there’s someone else and I debate
about mentioning Jack, but realize he was a momentary lapse of
judgment and nothing serious. He has nothing to do with what’s
happening with Derek. This would be happening even if Jack had
never appeared on the scene.

“
No, it’s just that.
Derek’s started playing rugby and you’re traveling the world and I
guess I just feel like I’m still stuck in the same
place.”

“
So find your own place,”
she says. “And do it for you, not for Derek or me. That’s why you
went away to school. You could’ve gone to State with Derek and Jon.
You could’ve traveled with me. You chose to go off on your own to
do it your way. So do it, Lily.”

“
Yeah,” I say and after I
hang up, I feel ready to take on the world. Instead, I fall asleep.
I am worn out from school and probably a little from the drama.
Tomorrow, though. Tomorrow I’ll get things back on
track.

****

In the morning, Derek comes by to pick
me up early and we go to the park as he suggested. We head to a
small corner in the back of the park; it is a quiet area, mostly
secluded. Derek is happy to see me and he looks like he’s thinking
about following through on my request as soon as we settle onto the
grass. It’s the first time we have had a real moment in almost a
month and I have missed him; I feel it as my nerves all rage for
him to touch me. However, after my conversation with Abby, I need
to resolve some other issues first and I have to fight my own
desires to do exactly what I asked Derek to do. He moves quickly
before I can speak and it takes all of my willpower to pull out of
the kiss and hold his hands off my aching flesh.

“
Derek, we need to talk,”
I tell him.

He stops and puts his hands into his
lap. “That’s never a good conversation starter.”

I smile wanly and nod. “Yeah, I know.
The problem is, well, since I started school, I’ve
been...”

“
You’ve been what?” He
looks wary and I think he may be misunderstanding the direction
this is going when I notice how tight his shoulders get. I
certainly have not been cheating, but it quickly becomes clear that
he thinks those are my next words. Outside of my one ride with
Jack, I have not even considered another guy as anything but a
friend.