Forgiveness (29 page)

Authors: Iyanla Vanzant

BOOK: Forgiveness

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It can be challenging for a woman to trust other women because we are often taught not to trust ourselves. Then we doubt our abilities, choices, and instincts. We can become critical of those women in our midst who surpass our perceived imitations. This criticism can take the form of gossip, betrayal, and unwarranted judgment. Women are also more prone than men to compare themselves to one another. We often measure our value and worth by comparing ourselves to another woman’s weight, breast size, complexion, career, talents, financial status, intellect, personal style, marital status, and every other aspect of their lives. Comparison is an act of violence against the self. It also leads to judgments and jealousy of those we deem “better off” than we are. If we aren’t the ones doing the comparing, then we’re the ones against whom other women measure themselves. In either case, the comparison, judgments, and jealousy can lead to ugly behavior.

Women also have high expectations of themselves—often unreasonably high expectations. When they fail to live up to those expectations, they can and often do project their flaws and failures onto other women. We see in one another the things we cannot see or accept about ourselves. When this happens, we will judge other women for the things we dislike in ourselves. The cycle of comparison, projection, and judgment often results in vicious verbal and emotional attacks among women. This is what happened between my sister and me.

C
OMPARISON IS AN ACT OF VIOLENCE AGAINST THE SELF
.

We all have people in our lives who set the mold for how we treat other people and how we expect to be treated. My sister taught me most of what I needed to know about being a woman and what to expect from women. She taught me that women are beautiful and powerful. She taught me that women are sensitive and sensual. Some of this I learned by watching her; some I learned by listening to her. My sister taught me that women can also be cold and mean. She taught me that you can depend on women only sometimes … and then, when they fall in love, they will leave you for their love interest.

My sister taught me that certain women friends serve you better than others, and that some women can never be your friends. She rarely explained these things to me because she was my big sister. All I had to do was watch and listen and emulate. I did all of the above until my sister told me that I was mean and cold, sneaky and deceptive, ugly and just plain wrong about everything.

It was one of her friends who started the conversation by saying that I thought I was better than everyone else. I had no idea what she was talking about. My sister filled in the details by criticizing my size and my clothing. She continued by citing my going to college and moving “across town” as evidence that proved that what her friend was saying was valid. That led to a recounting of my failures in relationships, career choices, and financial obligations. The criticism was one thing, the betrayal of my confidences was another. It was, however, the jokes and chiding that tore my heart to shreds. As they continued to banter back and forth, it became clear to me that many of the things I had told my big sister in confidence she had revealed to her friend, who was now using that information as the bat to beat me down. It was hurtful and ugly and a death blow to my relationship with my sister.

A
S
I
LEARNED TO FORGIVE MY SISTER
, I
LEARNED TO FORGIVE MYSELF FOR ALL THE TIMES
I
DID TO OTHER WOMEN WHAT
I
THOUGHT SHE HAD DONE TO ME
.

It was 13 years, our father’s death, a divorce (hers not mine), and a bout with breast cancer that taught me I had to forgive her. When I saw her looking frail and bald, I realized that no matter what, she was still my big sister, and I missed being connected to her. In talking to her, I realized all the women in my life whom I had discounted and disconnected from because of our relationship.

As we talked for the first time in many years, I came to understand that for her, what she had done had no meaning. She thought she was correcting me. She had no idea she was judging me. She thought I was upset because of what her friend had said and, more important, she had done to me what she perceived had been done to her by so many other women, including our mother. Like I said, we all have people in our lives who set the mold for how we treat others and how we expect to be treated by them. As I learned to forgive my sister, I learned to forgive myself for all the times I did to other women what I thought she had done to me.

D
AILY
F
ORGIVENESS
P
ROCESS
R
EMINDERS

For a more detailed explanation of the
Daily Forgiveness Process Guidelines
,

Find a quiet place where you will not be disturbed for at least 30 to 60 minutes.
Still your mind for at least 5 minutes or listen to the
Stillness Meditation.
Read the Forgiveness Prayer once silently and once aloud.
Scan the
Emotional Triggers
List.
Write out the 12 Forgiveness Statements for each day’s topic on thinking, judging, and believing in your Forgiveness Journal (Days 1–18). Write your Forgiveness Letters (Days 19–21).
Perform your Pro EFT™ Forgiveness Tapping Sequences.
Process thoughts and feelings consciously through your Forgiveness Journal Reflections.
Listen to the
Gratitude Meditation
on the Forgiveness CD.
Complete the day’s practice in quiet reflection or with meditative music.
Be sure to do something good for yourself today!

I F
ORGIVE
M
YSELF FOR
J
UDGING
W
OMEN

T
oday’s practice is about clearing and releasing the hurts, wounds, and judgments you may hold about or against women. Our experience and expectations of women begins with our mothers. Chances are if we have any judgments about our mothers, they will extend to other women. If you are a woman, it is also important to consider the judgments that you hold about yourself. More often than not, these can and will be projected onto other women.

T
HE THINGS WE DETEST AND JUDGE IN OTHERS ARE A REFLECTION OF THE THINGS WE CANNOT ACCEPT ABOUT OURSELVES
.

In our everyday experience we are sure to encounter people, both men and women, who simply behave badly. In order to heal from these encounters, it’s important that we carefully examine our own projections and judgments. More often than not, the things we detest and judge in others are a reflection of the things we cannot accept about ourselves. The impact of a lack of self-acceptance is intensified in the relationships between and among women.

A P
RAYER OF
F
ORGIVENESS

Dear God:

Teach me to accept myself so that I will accept all women.

Teach me to appreciate myself so that I will appreciate all women.

Teach me to honor myself so that I will honor all women.

Teach me to respect myself so that I will respect all women.

Teach me to trust myself so that I will trust all women.

Teach me to love myself so that I will love all women.

Teach me to forgive myself so that I will forgive all women.

I open my heart.

I forgive.

I let it be!