Found (32 page)

Lauren sighed and rolled over to look at the
clock. Five AM. The alarm would be going off soon. If she went back
to sleep now, she could get at least another thirty minutes. But
her mind wouldn’t shut off. The disastrous shopping trip had been
bad enough but it wasn’t the only reason she was upset. Her program
of casual, non-sexual touching just wasn’t going very well.

Oh, Xairn allowed her to touch him all she
wanted to. He tolerated it when she ran her fingers through his
hair and kissed his cheek and sat in his lap but for Lauren it was
like loving a statue. Because though he tolerated her affection, he
never returned it. He never hugged her, never kissed her, never
even put an arm around her shoulders unless she prompted him to do
it. And the entire time they were close, she could feel the tension
coursing through his body. It was as though he was exerting all his
will power to hold himself back every second they were together.
Worse, it seemed like he was excusing himself all the time to run
to the restroom and Lauren
knew
what he was doing in there.
She could tell by the soft, frustrated sounds.

They’re not sounds of pleasure,
though,
she thought, frowning. Instead, there was a note of
pain in the low growls she heard him making when he touched
himself. It was as though he was deliberately hurting himself
somehow, as though the feel of his own hand on his shaft was
painful.
But why? Why would he do that? If it hurts, why do it
at all? And why is it painful?

Lauren wished desperately that Xairn would
let
her
take care of him. That he would trust himself enough
to let her touch him and make him come. To pleasure him as he had
pleasured her. But that didn’t seem like a possibility right now—or
in the future either. Apparently after his display of dominance the
other night, when he’d confessed his desires, he preferred to keep
his distance for fear of things getting out of hand.

Is it really that hard for him to be close
to me?
she wondered, looking at his broad, bare back, bathed in
shadows.
Is he really fighting the impulse to…to take me every
single minute we’re together?
She wouldn’t let herself think
the word “rape.” And she wished desperately that she had never said
it to Xairn, either. It had only made him feel worse about what he
wanted. A dark corner of her mind, one she kept hidden even from
herself whispered,
would it be so bad if he just gave in and did
it?

Lauren tried to push the thought out of her
head. The idea that she might
want
Xairn to dominate her was
disturbing on all kinds of levels. She’d been raised to be a
strong, independent woman who bowed to no man. A woman who took
charge of her own life, both in and out of the bedroom, and didn’t
take crap off anyone, male or female.

So then why had she felt the urge to kneel
before him and call him “Master” that night when he touched her?
Xairn had begged her to get up at once, but she’d seen the heat in
his eyes when she did it. And hadn’t it touched off a spark inside
her as well? Yes, she admitted to herself, for some reason it
had.

But what really bothered her was what had
happened later. After Xairn had come back from taking care of
himself and she’d confronted him about it…
He pinned me to the
bed,
Lauren thought with a shiver that was half fear/half
desire.
He was so big and hot and hard on top of me. I could
feel him—feel his cock pressing against me, wanting to enter me.
Wanting to
fuck
me.

And hadn’t she, just for a moment, wanted it
too? Hadn’t the feel of his big body holding her down, making her
helpless, turned her on?

It shouldn’t though,
Lauren argued
with herself.
That kind of thing never turned me on before.
And it wasn’t like she hadn’t had experience with bondage and
dominance play—she had. She’d had a boyfriend in college who was
into BDSM. Or who
wanted
to be into it, anyway. Lauren had
been willing to play along but the idea of bowing down to some man
and calling him “Master” had never done anything for her. Even
worse, when her boyfriend had tried to “discipline” her by putting
her over his knee for a spanking, Lauren had burst out laughing.
The whole situation had seemed so ridiculous, so utterly fabricated
and unreal.

But there was something undeniably real about
it when it came to Xairn. The feeling that dominance wasn’t just
something he wanted to do—it was actually part of his psychological
make-up. Looking at him that night, with his huge, muscular frame
and those gorgeous, forbidding eyes, Lauren had known it was
something he had been born and bred for. Even if Xairn didn’t want
to acknowledge it himself.

If I could only get him to act on those
desires, those impulses…no, what am I thinking?
She sighed.
That would be much too dangerous. Xairn’s afraid of what he
might do if he let himself go. Wouldn’t it be smart for me to fear
it too?

But despite the promise of danger—or maybe
because of it—she couldn’t stop wanting to experience more of his
dominant side. Couldn’t help wishing to be pinned to the bed,
helpless under his big body just once more…

Lauren sighed.
God, I’m a mess! Talk about
sexual frustration…I should probably just give in and take care of
myself too.
But no matter how tense she got, she didn’t want to
do that. It felt like surrender, somehow. Like an acknowledgement
that Xairn was never going to touch her again and Lauren didn’t
want to admit that, no matter how likely it seemed.

I’ll just give him a little more time. Try
not to crowd him and maybe he’ll come to me…

The strident beeping of the alarm cut off her
thoughts. Lauren sat up in bed and ran her fingers through her hair
with a sigh. She’d been moping around her condo, trying to get
things right with Xairn for long enough. Today she was going to put
her relationship on hold and get back to work.

“Is everything all right?” Xairn sat up in
bed, instantly alert and looking for threats though she would have
sworn he was dead asleep just moments before.

“Fine, I’m fine,” she soothed him, putting a
hand on his arm. She tried not to feel hurt when he tensed at her
touch. “I’m, uh, just getting up a little early for work. I’ve been
lazy long enough—time to get back to business.”

“I’ll come with you,” he said instantly,
swinging his legs out of bed.

“No.” Lauren shook her head. “I mean thanks
but no thanks, Xairn. I just need…I think I need a little alone
time. And working always clears my head.”

His face was grave in the dim light from the
high windows. “You’re certain about that?”

“Yeah.” Lauren nodded. “I’m sure. And don’t
worry—it’s perfectly safe. There are way too many security cameras
on the Circle for anyone to try anything.”

“It does seem like a fairly civilized area,”
he admitted grudgingly. “But I still don’t like the idea of you
going out alone in the dark at this hour.”

Lauren controlled her irritation with
difficulty. “I appreciate that, Xairn, but I was going out alone in
the dark every morning for work for
years
before you and I
met, okay?”

“Fair enough,” he said quietly. “I’m sorry,
Lauren. I shouldn’t discount your ability to take care of
yourself.”

“Thank you.” She took a deep breath. “I’m
sorry too. You can come with me later but I just need a little me
time right now, okay?”

Xairn nodded silently and Lauren was
relieved. She needed to go down to the Sweet Spot and at least take
inventory. Some of the things she had in the shop, like cake flour,
would still be good. But all the eggs and milk and butter she used
in her cupcake recipes would be way out of date. She needed to
clean out the fridge and make some orders. Then, once the new
inventory arrived she could start baking again. She couldn’t
accomplish everything in one day but she could at least get
started. And the mindless work would give her an opportunity to
really
think
. Besides, it would be easier to get things done
if she didn’t have to worry about her huge alien boyfriend
wandering around Saint Armand’s Circle in his new designer
wardrobe.

“I’ll be fine,” she promised, trying to
smile. “Just stay here and take it easy. Why not take a dip in the
pool?”

“The pool?” Xairn frowned.

“You know, that big, blue rectangular thing
filled with water right beside us?” Lauren raised an eyebrow at him
and nodded to the right side of the condo where the gently lapping
water was visible from the kitchen window. The proximity to the
pool was one thing that had drawn her to the little efficiency even
though her mom would have happily put her in a much larger space.
The pool was clear and cool and well maintained since people used
it year round. It almost never got too cold to swim in
Sarasota—even in the winter months.

“I thought it was a holding tank for drinking
water.” Xairn shuddered visibly, and a strange look passed over his
face. Terror? Horror? Lauren didn’t catch it completely but
whatever it was, it wasn’t good. “You mean you willingly submerge
yourself in it?”

“Of course, why not?” Lauren shrugged as she
pulled on her clothes. “What— you don’t like to swim?”

He shut his eyes briefly and took a deep
breath, as though trying to calm some inner turmoil. “I do not
swim, no.”

“Well, I don’t either, really,” Lauren
admitted, still wondering about his strange reaction. “I mean, I
guess I should, being raised in California and all. But I’d never
make much of a surfer girl since I can’t swim a lick.” She smiled.
“I
do
like to get out on one of the blow-up rafts and just
lay there and relax sometimes. It’s nice with the sun on your skin
and the cool water lapping your toes.”

He frowned. “You risk your life in the water
and you don’t even know how to swim?”

“Oh please, it’s not that much of a risk,”
Lauren protested. “It’s barely eight feet at the deep end and the
pool isn’t that big. I’m sure I could get to the side if I had
to.”

“The last I looked you are not eight standard
Earth feet tall,” Xairn pointed out. “You should refrain from going
into this ‘pool’ until you learn how to swim or grow three more
feet.”

Lauren laughed as she powdered her face and
put on some lip gloss. “Well neither one of those things is going
to happen anytime soon. I have too much to do to take swimming
lessons and I wouldn’t add three feet to my height even if I could.
That would make me taller than
you
and that’s saying
something since you’re over six foot six and broad as a barn
door.”

Xairn didn’t join in her amusement. “I would
not go into that water for any reason,” he said frowning. “And you
shouldn’t either.”

Lauren sighed. “Fine, I don’t have time to go
swimming—or floating—today anyway. I need to get things cleaned up
and back in working order at the shop.”

“Are you
sure
you don’t want me to
come with you?” There was a wistful note in Xairn’s tone that made
her feel bad but Lauren shook her head firmly. “I wouldn’t mind if
I was just baking but I work better alone when I’m cleaning. And I
need to be able to think without any distractions. I have a lot to
get done if I’m going to be up and running again in time for the
weekend crowd.”

He nodded. “Very well. I will stay and try to
absorb some of your culture through this medium.” He nodded at the
battered old flatscreen viewer on the wall across from the
couch.

Lauren smiled. “You do that. Just don’t
absorb too much. Some of those soaps will rot your brain.” Then
seeing his horrified look she added, “Not really. I just meant that
daytime television programming is pretty vacuous. Unless you watch
the History channel or something like that you probably won’t find
anything on with any substance.”

“I’ll try to learn some of your history,
then,” he said, settling himself on the couch. “But I don’t like
letting you work while I do nothing.”

“I’ll be fine. Working clears my head.”
Lauren smiled and gave him a light peck on the cheek before she
left.

Xairn watched her go with a sigh of guilty
relief. He loved her to distraction but lately the tension between
them made him feel like he was going to explode every time she came
near. He was sure Lauren sensed it too—he could see it in the way
she looked so hurt every time he flinched from her touch, every
time he didn’t return one of her loving caresses.

But I can’t, damn it,
he thought,
curling his hands into fists in frustration.
Can’t risk hurting
her. Better she should think me cold and unloving than that I
should injure her with my unchecked lust.

It was true but it didn’t make him feel any
better. If anything, he felt worse. He’d been hoping that the human
DNA grafted onto his own would help him control himself. Or else
that he would gradually get used to Lauren’s casual touches—but
that wasn’t happening. It seemed like every day he had to take
himself in hand more and more often but with each painful,
self-given orgasm, his desire for Lauren only seemed to increase
and become more and more unmanageable.

Xairn wished there was something he could do
to work off the tension that was threatening to drown him but this
world was woefully short on stress relief—at least
his
kind
of relief. Back aboard the Fathership he could have thrown himself
into his work or sparred with one of the vat grown soldiers which
outnumbered the true Scourge now by more than a thousand to one.
But here there was no work he could do and no one to fight. There
was nothing, in fact, but that damn pool of water which Lauren had
pointed out before she left.

Standing, Xairn went to look out the kitchen
window at the blue water lapping the rectangular edges of the pool.
Gods, he didn’t want to remember but the memories came rushing back
anyway…