Found at the Library (16 page)

Back at the kitchen, he skidded to a halt to glare at Emily. She glanced at him blandly and ate her sandwich. She may look like an angel in her short holiday dress and flowing blonde hair, but he was pretty sure she was the devil instead. “Where is it, Emily?”

She began to shake her head.

“So help me God, I will fire your ass if you don’t give me my laptop.”

Her eyes hardened at the threat. “I’m doing this for your own good. Finish your sandwich and then we’re leaving. You’re staying at my house tonight, so pack an overnight bag, too.”

Mac stood in the middle of the kitchen so angry he wanted to hit something. He fisted his hands, reminding himself that he couldn’t get violent with her, no matter how much he wanted to right now.

As she went through the doorway, she leaned back in with her parting shot. “It’s Christmas Eve, Mac,” she whispered quietly. “I won’t let you punish yourself anymore, at least not for the next two days. This is my gift to you, because I love you. I think he loves you, too. But you have to still be alive when he realizes that.” And she walked away like she owned the place.

Mac’s chest seized with pain and grief and just the tiny flicker of hope.
Please let Tommy still love him...

Chapter Ten

There’s nothing worse than finally deciding you’re going to seize the day and then finding all the stores are closed.

-Observations from Tommy

Tommy pulled up in front of Mac’s house. He should have called before he came over, but if he’d done that, then he couldn’t have changed his mind. Even as he put his truck into park, he still debated starting it right back up and continuing out of the circle drive.
No.
He eyed the wrapped package on the bench seat next to him. No matter what else happened, he still wanted Mac to have this gift for Christmas.

Peering up at the house, it didn’t look like Mac was home. The sparkle of the Christmas lights were the only illumination in the otherwise dark house. A few days before their blow-up, Mac had said he didn’t do anything besides relax at home by the fire on Christmas Eve, usually with a good book if no one came over. But that didn’t appear to be the case tonight.

Originally they’d planned to spend this evening together. Had Mac already moved on? Did people go on dates on Christmas Eve? Probably. There had to be other people out there like Tommy without family to spend the evening with.

Squaring his shoulders, he stepped out of the truck and went around to the other side to collect the present. The snow on the drive hadn’t been shoveled in several days. The grounds crews must have the holiday week off. Did that mean he’d given his housekeeper, David, the week off, too? Threads of jealousy spun through Tommy’s belly. Just let Mac be here so Tommy could stop imagining who he could be out with.

But when he rang the doorbell, no movement or sound came from inside. No one was here. A lump settled into Tommy’s throat. He sat the wrapped package so it leaned against the wall by the front door and strode back to his truck. The ball was in Mac’s court now. Mac could call if he still had anything to say.

***

Christmas morning, Tommy walked down Serendipity’s hallway toward Ryder’s room with his messenger’s bag slung across his body and a bag full of holiday treats in his hands. He planned to spend the entire day with Ryder. He’d actually hoped he could get a day pass for his brother, but his doctor wasn’t comfortable with that, yet. The hospital had relaxed the visitation hours because of the holiday, so he planned to spend as much of it here as Ryder would allow.

Tommy knocked on the door, and Ryder looked up from where he read his book on the couch and smiled. But as he got a better look at Tommy, his smile morphed to a frown of concern.

Crap, maybe he should have tried harder in his fight of his persistent insomnia last night.

“Merry Christmas, Ryder.” Tommy came in and hugged his brother, who didn’t even try to get up. Tommy glanced at the wheelchair sitting near the couch. His left side must be weak today. It seemed like lately his physical limitations were getting worse.

Concern radiated from Ryder as he brushed a thumb over the dark circle under Tommy’s eye. “I thought Mom cleared all that up for you when you were in high school. If you stay awake, Santa doesn’t come.”

“High school?”

“Well, you were maybe a little younger, but geez, you were always impossible on Christmas Eve, waking me up at all hours of the night so I could go see if Santa had come.” Ryder grinned.

God, but it was good to find his brother in a good mood. Tommy knew today could go either way for him, so to find him happy was a positive thing. After a week of huge, negative things, he needed this one little bit of happy. “So that was all me, huh? Strange, but that isn’t the way I remember it.”

“It’s a shame, isn’t it? They do say the memory is one of the first things to go. Well, actually,” Ryder tapped his chin and examined Tommy up and down, “it’s not the first thing, is it?” He looked pointedly at Tommy’s groin. “Is that why you’re so weird about Mac now?” Ryder looked at him wide-eyed and whispered, sounding horrified, “Shit, you can’t get it up anymore, can you?”

“Oh my God, you did not just say that.” Tommy shoved Ryder as his brother doubled over in laughter. Real laughter. Tommy hadn’t been sure he’d ever hear that from his brother again. “For that, I should take all my goodies and go.”

Ryder’s eyes lit up in interest. “You brought goodies?” He reached for the bag Tommy held in his hands. “What did you bring?”

Tommy lifted the bag out of his reach. “No way. After what you just said, why should I?”

Ryder appeared contrite. “Because you’re a good brother, and you love me no matter how much I screw up.”

“Luckily, you don’t screw up all that often, and yeah, I do love you.”

“So, gimme.” Ryder waggled his fingers at Tommy. “What did you bring? Tell me those delicious aromas are coming from that bag.”

“I don’t know. Does it smell like homemade cinnamon rolls?”

Ryder’s eyes widened and then they filled up with tears. “Just like Mom always did on Christmas morning.”

“Yeah,” Tommy said and turned away, his throat tight. This first Christmas without Mom was tough and having Ryder in the hospital made it feel even lonelier. He knew Ryder had to feel the same way. He pulled the containers out of the bag and arranged them on the desk.

He glanced back at Ryder. “You want me to bring you a plate? They’re still warm.”

“Yeah, that’d be good. The leg isn’t cooperating so well today.”

Tommy handed Ryder a paper plate, fork, and coffee from the carafe he’d brought in. He gestured to Ryder’s left side as he sat down with his own sugar-filled breakfast and hot tea. “Have you mentioned that to your doctor?”

“Yeah, I’ve talked to both doctors about it, my mental and physical one.” Ryder shrugged. “The weakness is going to come and go. We’ve always known that. I have to do what I can to stay healthy otherwise and it will do better. OD’ing didn’t help anything, and my left side is included in that. I’m actually researching a more vegetarian, holistic lifestyle to see if changing some of my eating habits can help with my physical strength. I’m also developing a new workout routine.” Ryder lifted his plate as he took a huge bite, dripping with frosting. “In other words, I need to enjoy this today, because I’m not going to get anything else like it for a while.”

His heart swelled with hope. Please let this be a permanent step toward Ryder getting better. “I’m proud of you, Ry. I know none of this has been easy, but you’re already doing so much better. That smile looks good on you. I hope I get to see it a hell of a lot more in the future.” He dug into his messenger bag and pulled out a tiny, gift-wrapped box. “And speaking of future, I think it’s time to pass this on to you.”

“I know I said I love you, man, but don’t you think this is kind of the wrong step, especially since we’re brothers?” Ryder winked at him and then cocked an eyebrow when he glanced down at the little box.

“What the hell are you rambling about?”

“Usually when someone gives someone else a tiny little box like this, there’s a whole other question involved.” Ryder shook his head with a smirk. “And I just don’t think I’m ready.”

“Okay, smartass. I don’t think there’s any chance of
that kind
of little box in my future.”

“Nope, not if you don’t make up with Mac, there won’t be.” Ryder stared at him hard.

They’d discussed the issue with Mac a bit, and his little brother had made it obvious that he thought Tommy was an idiot. What else was new?

Tommy rolled his eyes at his brother, trying to hide the blow to his heart with the forbidden thought of Mac and him ever exchanging wedding rings. As the one who’d pushed Mac away, he wasn’t allowed to indulge in dreams like that.

Ryder ripped into the wrapping paper and opened the box. Enclosed was the key that normally hung off Tommy’s mirror in his truck that said, “Do Epic Shit.”

“I don’t understand. Why would you give me this?” Ryder asked.

“Because I think it’s time. I don’t think you know where I got that.”

Tommy shook his head.

“Mom gave it to me.”

“Mom? No way. She hated cussing. She wouldn’t even let us say this word.”

“I know. That’s why what it says is so powerful.” He looked back at the key in Ryder’s hand. “She gave it to me the day I graduated from high school. She said it was to remind me how far I’d come and that I could still do great things in this world, despite my difficulties. I’ve hung it from my mirror all these years so I could remember that the most important person in my life believed in me.” He swallowed against the emotion clogging his throat. Damn, he missed her. She’d provided the two of them this huge support system packed into one tiny woman.

“She believed in you, too, Ry. I think it’s time for you to remember that and take some of the strength that little key can give. Just an every day reminder that you can ‘Do Epic Shit.’ You only have to believe you can.”

They both needed to remember that.

***

Mac approached the open door to Ryder’s room cautiously. He’d planned to drop the package by the front desk. But when he tried, they told him he was on the list of pre-approved guests allowed to see Ryder. Who had put him on the list? He had certainly never expected that.

But as he neared the room, he considered how bad an idea this was. The odds of running into Tommy here on Christmas day were pretty damn high, and he didn’t want to do anything to ruin his holiday.

“Mac?” Ryder asked from behind him.

Damn, he debated that for too long. Mac turned.

Ryder rolled up in his wheelchair behind Mac. He’d been caught and now he looked like an idiot because he’d just been standing here staring at Ryder’s door.

Mac turned and glanced around, but he didn’t see Tommy. “Oh, hey, Ryder. Um, Merry Christmas.” He lifted the wrapped package in his hands. “I wanted to drop this off, but the ladies at the front desk told me to come on back to your room.”

“You brought me a present?”

“Yeah, um, I didn’t forget my promise, and I wanted you to have the books.”

“Holy shit.” Ryder eyed the huge wrapped box. “If that’s full of books, it has to be heavy. Go ahead and take it in. You can drop it on the desk.”

Mac nodded. He glanced around again and still didn’t see Tommy, so what could it hurt? He strode into the room and almost fell flat on his face. Tommy lay sound asleep on the couch. And damn, the sight of him made Mac want to crawl along beside him.

Mac glanced back at Ryder who studied him.

“Sorry, I didn’t mean to intrude,” Mac said quietly, not wanting to wake Tommy up. Even asleep, he could see the dark circles under Tommy’s eyes on his beautiful face. How had he screwed this up so completely? The ache to go to him and touch him was a physical pain. “Is he okay?”

“I don’t think so,” Ryder said just as quietly. “He’s exhausted and obviously not sleeping, which is why I left him after he dozed off about an hour ago. He’s sad, and I’m pretty sure he misses you.” Ryder rolled his wheelchair in front of Mac. “And judging from your expression, I’d say you’re feeling a lot of those same things, too. He won’t tell me exactly what happened, but you need to fix it. I think he loves you.”

Mac’s gaze flew to meet Ryder’s. Ryder’s jaw clenched, but his expression was soft and understanding. Mac didn’t know what to say. Could what Ryder said be true? He was afraid to even hope such a thing.

“I’ve never seen him with anyone like he was with you. That’s not something everyone gets in this life.” Ryder’s voice cracked. “It makes me so angry—at both of you—that you’re blowing it. I think you’re both idiots, but I want my brother to be happy again. You need to do whatever you have to, to fix it. But, Mac, don’t do that if you don’t mean it. Please, don’t hurt him again. I would hate to have to threaten my favorite author who keeps me stocked in reading.”

Fix it. Was that even possible?

“I have some work to do then, don’t I?” He winked at Ryder who had begun to grin widely. Mac pulled out his wallet and grabbed his business card to hand to Ryder. “Thanks, Ryder. I want you to know how to reach me if you ever need anything or someone to talk to. Do they know when you’re going to get out of here yet?”

“I still have two and a half weeks.”

“Is it okay if I come by during the morning visiting hours?”

Ryder’s grin fell. “Because you don’t want to run into him?”

He wanted to see Tommy desperately, but didn’t think his heart could take another rejection if Tommy didn’t want the same thing. “I don’t want to run into him until he’s ready, and that’s going to take a little bit of time, for me and for him. But I still want to be able to see you in the meantime. Would that be okay?”

“Yeah, but don’t let me down, Mac.”

“I don’t plan to.” He had a book to fix first. Unfortunately, Emily still had his laptop hostage, but he’d printed out a copy of the book in question, so he could do this old school.