Four Summers (20 page)

Dad sighs, making me turn to study him. See the beads of sweat on his forehead and the tiredness in his features. Suddenly, I want to cry. I didn’t cry when he was diagnosed or when Mom and Sadie left, but my eyes beg for release right now.

“I can’t pay very much.”

Those words mean so much more than anything else he’s said or done because last summer, he never would have said them. He never would have considered letting Nathaniel help out. He would have been too proud. What does it mean that he’s not too proud anymore?

“I don’t need much. It really just gives me something to do and a little spending money.”

That we both know he doesn’t need.

“Your parents okay with it?”

“Yes, sir.”

Dad nods, and the expression on his face almost looks like it says,
thank you
. I wipe my eyes, realizing a tear broke free. I need it gone, not wanting him to know that I see what’s going on. That already he worries about how much he can handle. Are things progressing faster than we thought? Is he having a harder time then he admits?

Is he going to need me even more?

“We’ll fill out some papers later, okay? If you want to help Charlie out now, I’d really appreciate it.”

Just like that, Dad is gone and Nathaniel starts working with us.

“Do you want me to call you Nate?” I ask Nathaniel as we sit by the old fort. I’m not sure why we came out here tonight. It’s much easier to stick to the lake, but I didn’t bring my scope, and I always feel like we’re more alone out here.

We’re lying on the blanket. I’m on my back, Nathaniel on his side, leaning on his elbow, his other hand on my stomach. I love how we just fell into this easy closeness. Both last year and the year before we had this awkward time where neither of us could get it together. It’s part of being older I guess.

“Why do you ask that? Because of what I told your dad today?”

“Yeah.”

“I want you to call me whatever you want to. Whatever comes naturally. It really doesn’t matter either way.” Leaning forward, he kisses my forehead. “Nate and Nathaniel are the same person.”

“I wish Charlotte and Charlie were,” I blurt out and then immediately want the words back.

“They are. Charlie wants the same things Charlotte does.”

“I know. And I do. I don’t think I did two years ago.”

“It’s wild that I’ve been coming here for three years. You had that deer in the headlights look the first time I saw you. Then you looked a little sick and I was scared you were going to puke on me.”

“Shut up!” I push him, but he laughs and grabs me. Rolls with me until I’m on top of him.

“I still thought you were hot.”

Hmm, I think I could get used to hearing that. “You did not.”

“I thought you were cute and I was intrigued by you. One look at you, Charlotte, and I knew there was something different about you. You weren’t like any other girls I knew. You were like this mixture of badass and…”

“Lost,” I fill in for him.

“Nope. You know your way. You just need to take it.”

At the thought of what he’s suggesting, I groan and roll off him, missing the feel of his body. “He’s worse, Nathaniel. Something’s going on he’s not telling me about, or he's scared or something. He wouldn’t have let you help if that wasn’t the case.”

Nathaniel moves and sits up next to me. “I hate that, Star Girl. It fucking sucks, but…it’s not your fault. You shouldn’t sacrifice your whole life because of it.”

Now I push to my feet, walking over to stand next to the creek. Words rattle around in my head, but I can’t make sense of them so I don’t say anything. Instead I look up to the sky.

“What is it about stars that you love so much?” he asks.

That answer comes quickly. “Because they’re infinite. They’re miracles, and anything is possible when you look out into the massive space that goes on and on.” Because I want that. I want to explore and see what’s out there and feel as free as those stars in the sky.

“You can have that. You deserve it. Alec loves it here. He’s a bastard, but he’s like family to you. He can stay.”

“Don’t,” I shake my head.

“Char—”

“I can’t do this with you. Not right now, okay? I just…I just want to be with you right now.”

His arms wrap around me and pull me close. “I don’t mean to push. And I definitely want to be with you, too.”

When he kisses me, I forget everything else. It’s like my stars times a million. He makes me forget how things are. Forget what I’ve lost, and how I’m scared that, without him, I’ll always feel as alone as I do when he’s not here.

Nate works with us at least a couple days a week. It’s not all day, but it’s enough that we get to see each other a lot more which, according to him, was the whole reason he brought it up to Dad.

It’s hard being with him in the daytime and not having the same kind of relationship that we have during our nights. No kisses, no touches. We talk about things that don’t matter, and even though he doesn’t flirt back, I’ve to see girls hit on him. And I have to remember that I’m the one who wanted it this way. That when he started working with us, I didn’t want to deal with Dad or Alec or anyone else so I pushed to keep anything that’s more than friendly to our nights.

Easier said than done.

The other day I sprayed a girl from my school with a hose and then had to pretend it was an accident. I’ve never been so mortified in my life, and all Nate did was pull me behind a building and whisper in my ear. “I want everyone to know you’re mine, too. Just so you know.”

He put the ball in my court, but I’ve been afraid to do anything with it. Admitting it makes it more real. And Dad will freak out and Alec will be worse. It’s stupid, but I can’t help how I feel.

Around six, one evening in early July, a truck pulls up, packed with people from school. They're all people Nate and Brandon have met before. Guys from Alec’s football team and girls I pretend to know how to relate to.

Matt, stands up in the back of the truck and yells, “Where’s Alec? We wanna a plaaaaaay baaaaaall!”

“Douchebag. That’s baseball,” Nate mumbles to me. I practically hear Alec perk up from where he’s standing about fifty feet away from us. His football sensor is going off.

“We’re in! Let me hit up Brandon!” Alec jerks out his phone and starts sending a text.

“God forbid two football obsessed guys play a game without each other.”

Nate doesn’t reply, so I look over at him to see he’s staring at me. One of his eyebrows goes up and he has a mischievous look on his face.

“What?” I ask.

“We’re playing.”

“Yes, sir?” I tease and he rolls his eyes.

“Don’t act like that. I know you wanna play. Plus, it gives me an excuse to be able to tackle you.”

My neck heats. I still can’t make myself stop blushing with him. “We play flag football.”

“That’s good, because I might freak out a little if someone else tackled you, but on the other hand, oops. My bad. I didn’t mean for you to end up under me like this, Star Girl.”

More heat. And excitement.

“What if we’re on the same team?” I ask, trying to be flirty with him and not sure if I’m pulling it off or not.

Nate shrugs. “We will be. Did I ever tell you I have a problem with accidentally tackling my own team?”

I smirk, thinking there might not be anything in the world a good as being on the same football team with Nate.

I’m not a violent person, but I really, really want to kill Danielle. Logic doesn’t matter. Who cares that she doesn’t know I’m with Nate. Am I really with Nate? He leaves in August and he has a life several states away. I try to have one here. It’s not like I expect a seventeen-year-old guy to try to have a long distance relationship, but for now, yes, we’re together. And if she doesn’t stop trying to stand by him in every huddle and talk to him every two seconds, I’m likely to lose it for the first time in my life.

I’m not jealous. I’m not jealous. I’m not jealous.

“Nate, over here! I’m open!” Danielle calls. Never mind that she really is open, I hate that he throws her the football.

I’m totally jealous.

Danielle drops the ball and I almost cheer. What is wrong with me? She’s on my team. I shouldn’t be cheering when she misses the ball.

“What’s wrong?” Nate asks a few minutes later when we take our places, ready for the other team to come at us.

“Nothing.”

When I try to keep walking, he grabs my waist. Nerves push at my jealousy and I step back, not wanting to have to deal with Alec finding out Nate and I are whatever we are.

“Whatever,” Nate replies. I can’t blame him for not pushing. For turning and walking away because not only has he done nothing wrong, but I’m the one who stepped away from him. Who lied to him. That doesn’t stop it from hurting.

The game keeps going. I’m dirty and sweaty. The game is tied and Nate hasn’t tried to talk to me anymore.

I can’t stop thinking that he tried to touch me and I stepped away. My head isn’t in the game and even though we manage to stop them, I’m not sure how.

Our ball.

We get into our huddle, like we ever really do what we say we’re going to do anyway. I run up the field, dodging Alec. He’s strong, and fast, but I’m hoping to keep myself ahead of him.

“Charlie!” someone yells and when they do, I turn to see the ball flying in the air at me. It’s over thrown a little so I’m still running, trying to grab it, and before I even have the chance to reach for the ball, I hit the ground.

Hard.

“Shit! I’m sorry, Charlie. I couldn’t stop.” Matt’s tangled in me and even though there’s a little bit of pain in my back from hitting the ground, I’m okay.

Slowly, I try to stand as Matt does the same. “It’s cool. No—”

‘Worries’
doesn’t have time to come out of my mouth before Nate’s yelling, “What the fuck, man!”

And then Matt stumbles back as Nate pushes him.

“Dude, it was an accident!” Matt yells back.

By then I’m to my feet. Brandon gets to Nate before me and grabs his arm. “Chill out, bro.”

“Did you see how hard he hit her?” Looking back at Matt, he shouts, “You need to watch what the hell you’re doing.”

Nate turns to me, right as I step up to him. “It’s cool. I’m good.” Maybe this makes me sound like a bitch, but it feels good to have him stick up for me. That he cares that much, but I also don’t want him and Matt fighting.

I wonder why I won’t risk Dad or Alec’s wrath so everyone would know that, for now, he’s with me.

“I’m good.” Then I push up on my toes and press my lips to his. It’s a quick kiss, but that’s all we need. Danielle gasps, Brandon laughs and…nothing at all comes from Alec. It doesn’t matter. None of it. Nothing but Nate and me.

“Oh, I got you.” Matt says with a laugh.

Nate shrugs. “Sorry, man.” We all start moving again.

“Our ball,” I say to everyone else, and then to Nate, “Let’s do that play again. This time, you and me. I won’t get hit again.”

The look he gives me makes my heart stutter. It's something like…awe. But then, what reason would he have to look at me like that?

“Let’s do it.”

When I look over, Brandon’s hand is on the back of Alec’s neck and as they walk back to their side of the field, he kind of shakes him, like boys do trying to pump each other up or whatever. If they’re talking about Nate and me, I don’t care. If they’re making a plan to defend me, they’re not going to have a chance.