Four Summers (26 page)

As long as I live, I will never forget the anger on his face when he looks at me. The dark red, edged sadness.

“I thought I did, but I obviously don’t. Or I didn’t want to believe it. You’ll always pick him over me.”

“What? No.” I reach for him, but he steps out of my grasp. “That’s not what this is. You know that! I’m not picking him over you. I’ve always picked you.”

“Are you kidding me right now?” Nate shouts. “We’ve had to hide because of him. You didn’t even want him to know about us in the beginning. We’ve said it before a million times. He’s always here. You’ve known him your whole life and you’re always going to pick him over me.”

“Alec. Tell him.” I look at him. “Tell Nate the truth.
Please
.”

Alec is pale in the moonlight. Terrified. No one says a word. I’m shocked. Can’t believe what happened or that Nate doesn’t believe me.

“You know what? I’m done. You wanted easy, I’ll give you easy. You can have your life with him. Then you’ll make everyone happy: your dad, Alec, his family. I sure as hell hope you’re happy too.” Nate’s hand goes to his neck and he rips the star necklace off and drops it to the ground before walking away.

“Nate! Don’t go. Please!” I call after him, tears streaming down my face, but he just keeps going.

“I’m…I’m sorry,” Brandon says before running after his brother. Nate has walked away from me every summer for the past three years and none of them hurt like this one. Because this time, there is no doubt in my mind I’ve lost him forever. Logically I know all it would take is for me to tell him, but I can’t. Not this.
Why didn’t he believe me?

I fall to the ground and cry.

“Charlie?” Alec steps up beside me.

“Get the fuck away from me! I hate you! You ruined everything!”

I push to my feet and run away from him.

I go to the fort and lie on the ground and cry. Cry so much my eyes hurt. I’m crying for Nate and losing him and how much I love him. Even though I hate them, I’m crying for Brandon and Alec, too. That they’d be able to hurt people they care about because they’re so scared for anyone to know who they’re attracted to. I don’t understand that and I never will. And as much as I want to tell Nate the truth, tell him why, I know I can’t. How can I be the one to out them on something as deeply personal as that? I swore to Alec, and I won’t break my promise, but I’m so upset he’d let me lose Nate to keep his own secret.

Soon I’m also crying for me and for Dad and what’s happening to him. For the fact that Mom and my sister left us, and they’re living their lives in Atlanta while I’m left alone to deal with this.

At some point I stop crying, and fall asleep. The sun peeking through the cracks in the wood wakes me up. And I run. All I can think about is Nate. Maybe I can make him understand. Maybe I can get Alec or Brandon to be honest with him. Maybe, maybe, maybe, maybe. I deserve that, right? After everything we’ve been through.

My chest hurts from running so hard and fast.

When I break through the woods and to the ground of The Village, their car is gone, and Alec sits on the porch of their lonely-looking cabin.

“I told your dad you were with me last night. That I have some stuff going on and you were helping me deal with it. You’re good to go for today.”

“Fuck you, Alec.”

“I’m sorry, Charlotte.” I freeze at his use of my real name. “I’m so sorry that you got hurt, but I can’t say anything. Don’t you understand that?”

Without realizing I started walking, I’m standing at the porch with him. “No, I don’t. I know it’s hard, but I don’t get letting us get hurt because of it. At least you guys should be able to tell Nate. He’s Brandon’s brother. He would understand.” I sigh, still unable to believe what I’m about to say to him. To Alec. “There's nothing wrong with being gay.”

“Pfft. That’s easy for you to say when you haven’t lived it. Some people don’t come out till they’re forty fucking years old because of how people react. It’s…it’s
hard
and you can never understand that unless it’s you.”

“Alec—”

“Brandon has a football scholarship. How many active professional football players can you name that are gay? You think they won’t give him shit in college? Not want to share a locker room with him; afraid he’s going to, what? Attack them or something? Rub off on them? You don’t know what it’s like for him, Charlie.” For the first time since we were kids, there are tears in Alec’s eyes. “He can’t do it. He’s scared to tell anyone, even his brother.”

“You love him,” I whisper, sadness bleeding through for him. For Alec and Brandon.

“It doesn’t matter if I do.” He shrugs.

“Yes, it does. What about you? You had a whole list of reasons why his is hard for Brandon, what about you?”

“Come on, Charlie. You’ve heard my dad talk. How many times does he talk about “those faggots”? How disgusting they are? I might not be as good as Brand and I might not have the same future as him, either, but I don’t want people giving me shit when we’re playing ball.”

“Does your Dad know, Alec? Is that why you guys aren’t getting along as well?”

He blanches at that, real fear on his face. “Of course he doesn’t know! It’s just…I hate when he says shit like that and it’s hard not to pull away from him. We got into an argument one day because he said something about this guy at the store and I just…I lost it. After that, things have been different.”

I try to find the right words to say to him, but nothing comes. Soon Alec continues. “I just wanna be me. Alec. I’m gonna find a way to be the Alec everyone wants me to be.”

There’s a part of me who hates him so much for what he’s done, for how things turned out, but my heart is crushed for him too. “You need to be the Alec you are. You’re one of the best people I know. There’s nothing wrong with who you are.”

Stepping forward, I pull him into a hug. We stand there for so long my legs ache, but I keep holding him. Keep being there for the boy who has always been my best friend. The only person I’ve known as long as my family, while he cries.

The world is so screwed up sometimes. How we make people hate who they are, hide who they are. It’s one of those things I hear about on TV or read about, but I never thought it would affect me until Alec.

“We could be happy, you know, Charlie,” he says after forever.

“What?” I pull away from him. “What are you talking about?”

“You know I love you. You’re my best friend and I’m yours. We could be happy. We’d never have to worry about getting hurt. About being left…”

Because I’m not the only one who got left behind today—or the last two summers before, either. This whole time I thought I was alone in my pain, but I wasn’t. Alec suffered silently.

“We’d always be there for each other and I love your family and you love mine. No one would ever know. We’d be happy,” he says again. “We always figured we’d run The Village one day anyway, and—”

My hand flies up and I slap him. “You asshole.” Suddenly everything makes sense. Why he hated me with Nate so much, but didn’t mind the other boys. Why he didn’t date much and let people assume we’d be together one day. Why he always, always kept me in the wings, because if he tried to help me with Nate last night, or didn’t care if I was with Nate, I couldn’t be here for him.

He’s always wanted me as his cover. To use me to pretend he’s straight. To live a lie. Nate threatened that. I feel used and cheated by the one person I never thought would hurt me.

“Charlie…I love you,” he says again. “I want to make you happy. I’d forget all about Brand and we could…ya know…”

No tears are left to cry. Nothing I can do to change anything. There isn’t doubt in my mind that Alec loves me. I don’t believe he tried to hurt me, but that doesn’t matter because he did nonetheless. “I know you do, Alec. But it’s not enough. Stay away from me. I never want to talk to you again.”

It’s not just Alec and Brandon I’m upset with either. Nate didn’t trust me. If we really knew each other the way we thought, he would have.

This summer took away from me the only boy I’ve ever loved, and my best friend. I’ve always depended on having Alec there…then Nate came and I wanted to always be with him. It’s time I leave that in that past, and only count on myself. I walk away knowing nothing will ever be the same.

The next few months are hard. Alec and I aren’t talking. I miss my friend. Nate is never far from my mind and my heart aches for him…but I keep busy. I apply for schools I’ll probably never go to because it helps to pretend and feels good to do something because I want it. Dad asks about Alec, and I won’t say more than we had a fight. No matter how hurt I am, I’ll never tell his secrets. Danielle and I get close and I date a couple boys and try not to compare them to Nate. In December, Dad meets Nancy. In February I ask Alec to the Valentines dance, because I can’t stop talking to him forever. We have too much of a past for that. He knows I’ll never play his game, but no matter what, we’ll always be best friends. I can’t imagine how it feels to be willing to do anything to keep a secret. Alec has enough on his mind, and I can’t abandon him. Some days I’m happy, some I’m sad, but I’m always wishing and hoping for my future—for my stars. Everything changes on a rainy afternoon when Dad tells me we need to talk…

“You and Marisol broke up, huh?” Brandon asks me as we head toward Columbia University. Brandon’s back early from Ohio. We took the train to the city and we’re on our way to meet Dad for lunch.

“Yeah… What’s the point? It’s not like the long distance thing would work.” I didn’t want to try and make it work. Neither did she, so it wasn’t a big deal.

“That’s a shame. She’s hot. Especially when she speaks Spanish,” my brother teases.

“How are you ending your freshman year in college and you’re still a douchebag? You never even met her.”

Brandon nudges me. “I didn’t need to meet her. Pictures and her voice were enough.” He winks.

“Fucker,” I call him. “You talk about girls enough, but I never see you with one anymore. We’re going to have to work on your game, man.”

“There’s more important shit than girls.”

When I look at Brandon, I see he’s staring in the opposite direction. “Yeah, football. How could we forget? Nothing can ever be as important as football.”

A woman walks right between us like we aren’t even there. Brandon drops the conversation and says, “I can’t believe you’re staying even closer to home than I did.”

“Columbia’s awesome for architecture,” is what comes out of my mouth, when really I just want tell him,
me too
. My mind tries to wander back to plans I had with Charlotte that we both should have known would never happen. It’s easier to slam the door now.

We’re quite for a few seconds as we make our way down the street. Brandon’s the one who speaks first, “It’s kind of crazy isn’t it?”

“Not a magic eight ball. Can’t read your mind.”

“That doesn’t even make sense,” he tells me, but then adds, “Being in New York for the summer. I mean, it’s not that I care, because there’s a whole hell of a lot more to do here, but it’s just…”

“Crazy,” I finish for him. It sucks that he brought it up, but it’s true. Not that I really would have expected Brandon to say it. Yeah, he had fun at The Village, but that second year, he was pissed he had to go. The third, it was just for something to do. He never looked forward to it the way I did. Probably because he wasn’t a dumbass kid who thought he was in love with some summer girl.