Four Week Fiance 2 (15 page)

“I’m fine.” I took a deep breath. I had to be a big girl. I was not going to let Nonno know how pathetic and sad I was.

“You want to go down to the beach?” Nonno jumped up, placing the photo album next to me.

“The beach?” I asked, flummoxed. “That’s random.”

“Let’s go to the beach and talk.” He looked at me lovingly. “We both could do with some fresh air.”

“Oh.” I looked up at him. He knew there was something I wasn’t telling him. “Are you sure?”

“Yes, mi cara. You know you can’t keep secrets from your Nonno.”

“I know.” I sighed and stood up. “I love you, Nonno.”

“I know.” He pulled me into a hug. “I love you more than anything, Mila. You’re my beautiful princess and all I want is for you to be happy and taken care of.”

“I know.” I rested my head on his shoulder and looked up at him. “How did I get so lucky as to have you as my Nonno?”

“You’re blessed.” He kissed my forehead and grinned, his eyes sparkling before he started coughing again. He pulled back and grabbed his tissue, his expression changing to one of a frown.

“You sure you’re okay to go out, Nonno?” I asked him, worried. “Sounds like you have a bit of a cold or something.”

“I’m fine, my dear.” He wiped his mouth. “Let me go and change into some warmer clothes and then we can leave.”

“Okay.” I nodded and watched as he walked out of the room. I then grabbed my phone from my pocket to see if TJ had called or texted. I was hoping he’d have left some sort of message saying something like, “I made a mistake, I really do love you, come home,” but of course there was nothing there when I checked. My heart sank as I put my phone back into my pocket and I sat back on the couch and stared at the photos as I waited for Nonno to get ready.

***

T
he beach was desolate as we walked along the sand. It was too cold for people to go into the water and there was only one guy on the beach with us and he was walking his dog. I stared at the dog as it ran down the beach chasing a branch and I thought to myself what a life the dog had as it ran back and forth to its owner, grinning with happiness. How simple life must be to a dog. What I wouldn’t have given to have that sort of peace in my heart. It would make me feel like I had a purpose in life, as opposed to being a loser who could only focus on TJ and his not loving me.

“So, Mila, tell me what’s going on.” Nonno turned to me as we walked to the shoreline. “Tell me what’s bothering you.”

“Oh, Nonno, I feel like an idiot.” I made a face, trying to sound lighthearted. I wanted to make a joke, but I felt like I was going to start crying. “I’m a fool. I could be a clown for a king or a court jester or something.”

“Why do you say that, Mila?” Nonno frowned at me.

“Because I’m a royal fool. The biggest fool on the planet.” I tried to smile at him, but he didn’t smile back. Instead I watched Nonno’s expression go from shrewd to sad and he stepped forward and grabbed my hands.

“You’re not a fool, mi cara. Don’t ever say that.”

“I am.” I sighed.  I gulped and looked down.

“Then tell me, why are you a fool?”

“Because I really thought that there was a chance that TJ really loved me. I really thought that he could be the one for me.”

“You don’t think he loves you?” Nonno sighed. “And you love him?”

“I love him with all of my heart.” I closed my eyes as my heart froze. “You don’t even understand. It’s something I feel in my soul. It’s something that I can’t stop thinking about. Just saying his name makes my heart jump for joy.”

“I know the feeling. That’s how I feel about your Nonna.” He nodded. “That’s true love, Mila.”

“How can it be true love if he doesn’t love me?” I sobbed. I knew Nonno was probably confused about why I was crying and why we would be engaged if we weren’t in love, but I knew he was smart enough to know that obviously something was up. You didn’t go from a lifelong crush to an engagement and deep love in 2.5 seconds.

“Mila, I’m going to need for you to explain to me exactly what’s going on.” Nonno grabbed my hands and turned me to face him. “I don’t really understand what you’re saying.”

“I don’t even understand what I’m saying sometimes.” I took a deep breath. “And that’s not the only thing, Nonno. I have a secret. Something I did years ago that he doesn’t know about. And it’s haunting me. Sometimes I think, what if he does fall in love with me and then he finds out what I did? Then he’ll stop loving me.”

“Mila, tell me what’s in your heart.” Nonno caressed my cheek. “I need you to tell me exactly what you’re thinking. I need to know what’s in your heart. What’s in your soul. I can’t help you if you don’t tell me.”

“I just don’t know what to say. I don’t know how to let you know what happened. I don’t want you to be ashamed of me. I feel so weak.” I sighed.

“I would never be ashamed of you, mi cara. You are my heart. You are my soul. Everything I do is for you. You’re my only granddaughter and you are everything to me. You know there is nothing I wouldn’t do for you. All I want in this world is for you to be happy and to never suffer. It pains me to see you suffer. It pains me deep in my heart. Your pain is my pain. I don’t want to see you cry. I don’t want to see anything in your eyes that makes me think you’re going through turmoil. You know that, right?”

“Oh Nonno, I know. I know how much you love me.” I gave him a half-smile. “You’re the reason I’m such a hopeless romantic.” I laughed. “If it wasn’t for all your and Nonna’s stories, I wouldn’t want to believe that true love existed. I wouldn’t be such an idealist.”

“So tell me what you’re thinking.”

“Sometimes I think he could love me,” I said, my voice echoing all the hope in my heart. “Sometimes he looks at me with a light in his eyes that makes me feel like I’m the only person in the world, but then...” My voice trailed off as I looked out at the ocean and watched the waves crashing into the rocks, close to the pier. I felt too sad and too tired to continue. Even talking about the situation had the ability to make me feel empty inside.

“But then what?” Nonno asked me softly, his hand on my shoulder as we stood there.

“But then, I think I’ve imagined it,” I said softly. “The moment disappears. The tenderness in his gaze, the lift in his lips, the knowing look in his eyes. It just fades. And then it’s as if I’m looking into the soul of a stranger.”

“You’re being too dramatic, Mila,” Nonno said and he sounded weary, as if he were attempting to take on the burden in my heart and put it on his shoulders.

“I’m not being dramatic.” I turned to him. “I’m being realistic. I’m being safe. Nonno, when I look at him, my heart skips a beat and my stomach jumps. I feel happy. I feel excited. I feel like my soulmate is once again in my world. It’s like every part of me knows that he is my other half. And every part of me wants him to know that I’m his other half too. Every part of me is craving for the moment he will suddenly realize who I am to him.”

“Maybe he does know,” Nonno said softly. “You can’t rush these things. Maybe he’s scared. You know he had a hard life with his dad after what happened to his mom.”

“I know his dad is cold. I know his mom died when he was young. He never talks about it. I mean, can that still be affecting him?”

“Mila, of course that would still be affecting him. He’s human. He was young when his mom died, remember that. Still a kid. These things have a way of staying with you for a long, long time. TJ’s a good man.”

“I know he’s a good man.” I sighed and bit down on my lower lip. “I know there’s something inside of him that’s broken. Sometimes I can see it in his eyes. Sometimes when I look at him, there’s a sadness there, a sadness that makes me just want to reach out and hold him. Sometimes he looks at me like he has something he wants to say, something deep, and we just stare at each other and I wait to see what he’s going to say, but then it’s like his brain shuts down and he makes a joke.”

“That’s a preservation mechanism. He’s probably not comfortable with expressing his feelings. He didn’t grow up with a family like yours, Mila. You have to give him time. Reach him in ways that don’t make him feel uncomfortable.”

“I just want to know that he feels something. I just want to know that he knows that what we have is special. I want him to just give me one iota of what I’m giving him. I just want him to feel an ounce of the love for me that I feel for him. I want him to love me.”

“And he will.” Nonno grabbed my hands. “I know these things are hard, Mila, and I know that your patience is running thin, but he will come around.”

“Not when he finds out.” My voice was so soft that I wasn’t even sure that Nonno could hear me. “Not when he finds out what I did. He may never forgive me then. Some secrets are just too much to overcome.” My voice broke then and I fell to my knees as I watched the sun setting, signaling to me that another day had passed without me revealing the truth. Another day had passed and my heart was still in turmoil. I felt like I was on the downward spiral of some horrible rollercoaster ride. Nothing was going my way and while I just wanted to get off the ride, I wanted something epic to happen. I needed to feel the exhilaration of the anticipation of what was going to happen next, but it was just so hard. Too hard.

“What did you do, Mila?” Nonno came up from behind me and I stilled, ashamed to admit the lies that had sprung from my mouth. I knew that Nonno would be disappointed in me, as I was disappointed in myself.

“It’s hard to admit.” I sighed. “I was so immature, so jealous, but I didn’t really know what I was doing at the time.”

“What did you do, Mila?”

“When Cody and TJ were in college, Sally and I went up for a weekend to stay with them in the apartment they were sharing. I think it was their senior year and Mom and Dad trusted them enough to show us around the campus. So anyway, it was a Saturday night and they left us in the apartment because they wanted to go to a frat party. They said we could just watch a movie, which is what we did. It was about ten p.m, Sally was on the phone with some pizza delivery place and there was a knock on the door.” I took a deep breath, my face going red as I remembered that night vividly and I could feel myself heating up in shame.

“Continue,” Nonno said, his eyes not leaving my face.

“So there was a knock on the door and there was this girl standing there.” I spoke slowly, remembering the look on her face. She’d been worried and scared, her face pale as she stood there awkwardly. I’d known right away that something was wrong—call it female intuition or something. I looked at Nonno then and made a face, wanting to cry, but I knew that I’d made this mess by myself.

“Go on, mi cara.”

“She asked for TJ.” I chewed on my lower lip. “I asked her why. She started to cry so I told her to come in.” I took a deep breath. “Nonno, she told me she was pregnant. She told me that she there was a possibility that TJ was the dad and that she needed to talk to him. She asked him if she could wait for him.”

“Okay.” Nonno pursed his lips and stared at me, his expression not changing.

“I asked her how sure she was that TJ was the father. I asked her what she wanted. I told her that TJ and I were in a serious relationship. I told her that I wasn’t sure we could handle the fact that she might be having his baby.”

“Oh Mila.”

“And then I told her to leave.” Tears filled my eyes. “I told her she couldn’t wait for TJ. I don’t know why I did that, Nonno. I was so ashamed of myself. I don’t know what I was thinking. I was so jealous, I wasn’t thinking properly. And she just left. She didn’t even say anything. She wasn’t even a bad person. She wasn’t one of those bitchy money-grubbing girls that I hate. She wasn’t super beautiful or slutty or anything. There was nothing about her that would make me think that I needed to protect TJ. Nothing predator-ish about her. I mean, she was even honest that TJ might not even be the father.”

“So she just left?”

“Yes.” I nodded.

“And I’m assuming you never told TJ.”

“Nope.” I shook my head. “When he got home that night, I was still too embarrassed, and selfishly I was hoping that he’d notice me, tell me he wanted to be with me or something.”

“Oh Mila.” Nonno sighed.

“I know,” I said. “And then the next day, I was so embarrassed and ashamed of myself. I didn’t know how to bring it up. I mean, I tried several times, but it just didn’t seem right. There was never a perfect moment. I didn’t want him to think badly of me, Nonno. And then, well then I figured the girl would most probably contact TJ and let him know. The next few weeks I waited for TJ to contact me all angry and tell me how pissed he was at me for talking to the girl and sending her away. But he never did. And then I forgot it. I tried to tell myself that it was likely that TJ wasn’t the father and that the girl had figured out who it was.” I rubbed my eyes. “But who knows, maybe she was just trying to help me and my fake relationship.”

“You need to tell him, Mila. Nothing can continue, good or bad, if you’re not honest with him.”

“I’m scared to tell him.” My eyes widened.

“You can’t live your life being scared, Mila. You have to take chances, you have to grab the bull by the horn and go for it.”

“I’m scared the bull is going to buck and rear and I’m going to fall off and get bruised.”

“That’s the risk you take in life and love, Mila.”

“I just feel like this secret is so big that even if there was a possibility of him loving me that it would all fade away now. Who can forgive someone for something like that?”

“Everyone has a secret, Mila.”

“But are all secrets forgivable?” I sighed. “I mean, I think a part of him could really love me. I just feel it in my soul. But I don’t want to push for it, when this is still hanging over me. I need to know that if he does fall in love with me, it’s for everything that he knows about me; good and bad.”

“Just as you love him for everything you do and don’t know, right?” Nonno said. “Good and bad.”

“There is no bad in TJ.” I sighed. “He’s perfect.”

“No one’s perfect, Mila. We all have our secrets. Remember that.”

“You don’t have any secrets, Nonno. You’re perfect too.”