Four Week Fiance 2 (24 page)

"With yourself?"

"No. With someone where the thought of ever having to say goodbye was too hard to handle."

"I see."

"Do you?"

"No."

"Maybe some part of me just knew."

"Knew what?" I was annoyed now.

"It doesn't matter." He shook his head.

"Okay." I said and turned away, then looked towards Sally and smiled brightly. "I think I'm going to go now. I've things to do." My heart thudded painfully, but I didn't want him to know just how badly he'd hurt me.

"It doesn't die." He said softly, his voice tinged with a light of desperation and sadness.

"What doesn't die?"

"Love. If you had really loved me, it wouldn't have died." He paused and I stared at the ceiling for what seemed like an eternity before turning back to the phone. “I wanted to tell you about Nonno, Mila. I really did. I regret it more than anything. But I can’t take it back. Please don’t give up on me. This is what I was afraid of. This is why I didn’t want to love you. This is why I didn’t want to let you in. I was scared something like this would happen and you would just walk away. I was scared you’d just give up on us. If you really loved me, you would understand Mila. You’d know that this was something I couldn’t give you. Not without betraying, Nonno. You have to grow up, Mila. You have to understand that you’ll be okay. I know you might not love me anymore, but we can still try.” He was silent then and so was I. It was in that moment that I gave up on him, on us, on everything I'd seen in my mind’s eye. It was in that moment that I knew that he could never be my one. He, who had turned my world around, didn't get me, didn't understand me, didn't realize that after all these years, he was everything to me. He didn’t understand that my love was forever. He couldn’t comprehend that I would never not love him anymore. But I knew that I had to try. The end had come before the beginning and I was finally ready to let go.

D
ear TJ,

Do you remember the day that you asked me to never forget you? A simple request. I didn't think much of it. We were young then. "Never forget me you said", your eyes bright and hopeful. "Of course, I'd never forget you," I said, as I giggled. I've never imagined a time when you wouldn't be in my mind. How could I forget the boy that meant so much to me? This was even before I knew what that feeling was. How could I ever forget the man whose smiles and frowns turned my heart upside down? I thought I'd go to my grave waiting for you, if that was how long it took, such was my love.

I gave up today. The pain is too much. My heart is too sore. I can't wait anymore. I don't want to keep falling falling falling into your abyss of a soul. I don't want to remember you. I don't want to see your smiles for anyone, but me. It drives me crazy, wanting you so badly, but not being able to tell you, not being able to love you. I never imagined a longing so cutting, an aching so unfamiliar. I never knew what it was to feel brokeninpieces. When you look into my eyes and smile, it still lights up my heart. It still makes me feel like I'm special. How I wish that were true.

So I'm sorry, I can't honor my promise. I can't never forget you. I can't do this anymore.

Mila

Dear Mila,

You were wearing a white shirt with a green cardigan. Your hair was pulled back, slightly messy. You had on a soft pink lipstick, light mascara. You were excited because you were going to a concert the next day with Sally and you had good seats. You were dancing around the living room with a water bottle singing along to some horrible Top 40 song. You stopped abruptly when you saw me standing there watching you. And then you started laughing. And then I started laughing and you threw a couch cushion at me for laughing at you. Even though, I told you I was laughing with you. Your eyes narrowed and you glared at me and I laughed some more, my eyes on your lips, wondering for the briefest of seconds what it would be like to kiss you. Then you walked closer to me and hit me in the shoulder and I moved back abruptly, slightly uncomfortable at the touch. Not because I didn't like you, but because it made me feel something electrifying. A wave of worry and disappointment crossed your features for the briefest of seconds when I stepped back. And I knew I'd hurt you. And I hated that. I then reached over, brushed a wisp of hair from in front of your eyes and you grinned at me. And in that moment, in that moment, I knew you were someone special. And I said to you, "Promise me that you'll never forget me and that we'll always be friends." I said that "if anything ever happens to us and we are ever split by a continent or some unknown situation, I want you to always remember me and to wait, to wait for me to find you, because I would always find you and I would always remember you." And you smiled at me happily and said, "of course, you'd never forget me." And my heart beat then, for what felt like the first time. And I knew that in that moment, I would do anything to keep you in my memory. in my heart. In my soul.

So yes, dear Mila, I remember that moment. I remember every moment. I know it seems like I've for an abyss of a soul, but I don't. The hardest part of being me is holding back from you when all I want to do is hold you close for an eternity.

You don't have to honor your promise, but I'll always be here. I'll always remember you and I'll always be here waiting. Waiting for the day when it doesn't have to be this hard.

TJ

M
y heart was racing as I made my way over to Cody’s house. He’d told me to come over. He told me that Mila knew I was coming. And yet, I was still unsure and uncertain as to her reaction towards me. What would she say? How would she feel? She’d never responded to my letter. And I hadn’t wanted to harass her and bombard her with calls and texts. I was dying to see her. Dying to hear from her, but I knew I’d fucked up. I knew I hadn’t been the man she’d needed and now I had to be patient.

I rushed up the stairs to Cody’s house and pounded on the door, anxiety killing me.

“Hey,” Mila answered the door, her brown eyes friendly but hesitant.

“Hey.” I said, my throat dry. I didn’t know what to say. She was here, in front of me, as beautiful as ever. “Cody invited me over.”

“I know.” She nodded. “He’s not here.” She ushered me in. “I wanted to talk to you.”

“Oh?” I said, my body turning cold. “Why?”

“Because there’s something—”

“Wait.” I held my hand up. “Before you say anything, I need to talk to you.”

“Okay.” She frowned. “Go ahead.”

“I wrote this for you.” I cleared my throat and started to recite the poem I’d written. “I loved you for a million years.

And then I met you.

And my love for you was more than my heart.

My heart was more than my soul.

My soul was more than the universe.

The universe was less than my love.

I loved you then.

I love you now.

I love you forever.

Til death do us part.

And then I’ll love you for a million years more.”

She just stared at me in silence and I cleared my throat.

“I wrote it because a long time ago, you said your perfect men, your soulmate, he would write you love poems. And I wanted to prove to you that I’m your soulmate. Your fated destiny. The one you’ve been waiting for. The one that was made for you. I know I’m an idiot and an asshole. And I know I have a lot to learn. And I’m not perfect and maybe sometimes I don’t act like that guy, but I’m him. I want you to know that I’m him. I want to spend the rest of my life showing you that I’m him. Can I spend the rest of my life showing you how much I love you and want to be with you?” I paused and stared at Mila’s face, my breath coming fast. “Say something, please?”

“I love you, TJ Walker.” Her eyes were brimming with tears. “These are happy tears by the way. I love you so much, you don’t even know. You are already my perfect man. You will always be my perfect man.”

“Are you just saying that?” I said, knowing I would break something, if she said yes.

“No.” She grinned and stepped towards me and gave me a kiss. “Nonno left me a letter. He told me off.” She laughed. “He wrote that he knew I would be pissed at you and most probably would stop talking to you. He said he knew I would think you didn’t love or trust me enough. He told me that I should be proud to be with a man that loved and respected him enough to uphold his promise. He said that I shouldn’t be an idiot and I should be grateful to him for getting us to together and to not mess it up.” She laughed and touched my face. “I laughed and I cried reading his letter. Oh TJ, I still hurt so much, but I need you to know. I want you to know. I love you more than anything. I always have. I always will. You are my everything. Nothing can ever part us. You know that right?”

“I know.” I grinned at her and kissed her hard. “I know that we’re it. Forever. I don’t want you for four weeks, Mila. I want you for the rest of my life. Will you marry me and make me the happiest man in the world?”

“Oh yes, TJ. Oh yes. I’ll be your forever wife.” And then I kissed her good and hard and promised myself that I would never let her go.”

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