Fractured Hearts (Shattered Lives, Book Three) (23 page)

After all the moments they shared together, all the confessions and the acceptance and forgiveness, he thought for sure there were no doubts left in her mind.

He dragged his hands through his hair and tugged on what little had grown in. Then he turned back around. “Do you still love him?”

“Gunther, you have to understand–”

“What I don’t understand is how you can love two people at one time!”

“I know you don’t. But… I shared a lot with James. I gave birth to his child. That’s not anything anyone can take lightly. I will always have some love for him. It weighs heavy on my heart.”

Gunther’s jaw trembled, terrified he was losing her. “So since you can’t have a child with me, you won’t love me as much as you love him?”

“No, that’s not what I’m saying.”

“Then what the fuck
are
you saying, Quinn?!” He clenched his fists at his sides. “I don’t understand!” he shouted in frustration. He loved her with everything he had, and would give her everything he had, including his life.

“I don’t know… I’m so confused,” she confessed.

Looking away from her, he stood with his hands on his hips. Quinn slipped off the desk and moved in front of him. Hesitantly, she decided to wrap her arms around him. He didn’t accept her at first, but then relented. She had a hold over him as much as he did her.

“I just want you to be mine forever,” he whispered in her ear. He choked up. “I don’t want to risk a chance you don’t know that. I don’t want you to lose me and never know how much your love means to me.”

“I know, and I feel the same, Gun. I can’t even imagine. I’m not saying I don’t want a forever with you. It’s just going to take some extra time for me to sort everything out.”

Taking a deep breath, he responded, “Okay.”

She grabbed his face and forced him to look at her. “Gun, I love you so very much. I hope you believe me when I say that because it’s not something I just say. I have struggled with these feelings for James for a very long time. I need to make sure I can devote myself one hundred and ten percent to you.”

“I do believe you. So you want to stay with me?” he asked, looking for reassurance.

“Yes. Yes, of course. I just need time.” He felt a little relief and gently smiled. “I need to be at peace in my heart and mind with all of this. This has been an emotional day.”

“Okay, you’re right. I understand. It was piss poor timing on my part. I’ll give you time.” Gunther embraced Quinn, holding her tight. Then he pulled away. “Will you be my wife?”

“Gunther!” she yelled, smacking him on the chest.

He laughed. “What? I waited, like, five seconds. That wasn’t enough time?”

“You’re mental.”

“Yes, we
know
this already.” They both laughed. “I think I’m going to go check on Henry and make sure he hasn’t found a bottle that we missed somewhere. That would be a fucking disaster.”

“Go. He needs someone he can rely on right now.”

“Such irony.”

“I’m proud of you. Each and every day, I find you more and more amazing. You’ve accomplished so much in such a short time.”

“Thank you.” Gunther kissed her on the forehead and walked out of the room.

She hung around the door for a minute, leaning against the wall in exhaustion. “How am I going to do this?” Quinn whispered to the empty room.

She didn’t want to hurt Gunther, but she was scared of her feelings.

After opening the door to the gym, I pulled out my pocket-sized flashlight to scan the room. That was the first time I truly checked it out…sober anyway. There were fittings for a heavy bag. After another sweep of the light, I saw another door in the darkness.

I had vague memories of the gym. So vague it all seemed new again. One thing I did remember was Elaina finding me passed out, half in and half out of the door. I took a deep breath and opened it.

Against the wall was a heavy bag and a half-empty bottle of whisky. I swallowed hard and tried to ignore the demons in my head telling me to pick it up.

Liam…you’re thirsty. Take it. You know you want it, you good-for-nothing lass.

“Shut the fuck up,” I growled.

Oh, Liam, Liam, Liam…

“It’s Henry,” I snipped.

The demons’ cackled, as if to poke fun at my attempt to move on.
Take the whisky and disappoint as you always have. You’re such a fuck up, a loser, and you will only end up alone. She will leave you and you will die alone.

“Quiet!” I screamed as I grabbed my hair. “Get a grip…,” I growled at myself.

I had to shake it off, so I hoisted the heavy bag over my shoulder, walking past the bottle, trying not to look at it. Once attaching the bag to the fitting in the ceiling, I looked around for tape, finding myself back in the closet and glancing sideways at the bottle. It was taunting me, like the demons in my head…laughing at me, calling me, poking at my brain.

Between all the miscellaneous sports equipment, there was a small box full of sports tape on the shelf. I grabbed a roll and stormed out of the closet. The wrapping procedure was something I did almost daily back in training. Using the same method, I taped my hands and wrists.

Pulling my shirt off, I glanced down at my swollen belly. The demons were right. I
did
look disgusting and had no idea why Elaina wanted to make love to me. Well, she probably won’t again. I was certain I had lost her forever.

I laid my gun on the floor against the wall a short distance from me. After rolling my neck, I did a couple sets of press-ups to warm up. At least I still had some strength and wasn’t a total weakling…physically. Mentally and emotionally, though? That was an entirely different situation.

Once hopping up from the mat-covered floor, the dance started, switching my feet: right, left, right…then left, right, left. I did this over and over again until my heart rate amped up. Letting out a harsh breath, I nailed the bag.

Right upper cut, left hook, then a right jab.

My body powered through it, snapping as I punished the bag at a feverish pace. Each hit was followed by a loud growl, telling the demons I meant business, beating them as badly as I was beating the bag.

I had to…for my Elaina.

Adding roundhouse kicks in between the quick drill sets, adrenaline coursed through my veins, feeding me. Sweat leaked from every pore. My body was beginning to ache from the massive exertion. Each blow was more punishing than the last…for both the bag and me. I was fighting more than the words and feelings. I was fighting the cravings and the impending doom in my relationship.

Not used to that kind of workout anymore, fatigue was setting in fairly quickly, but I wasn’t going to quit. I wasn’t a quitter, no matter what they said.

The demons’ voices raced through my head.

Freak.

Loser.

Useless.

Unwanted.

Undesirable.

Weak.

The punishment went on for dozens of rounds. Finally, my muscles were so exhausted, I collapsed on my knees to the floor.

While watching the bag sway, the bottle called my name. I jumped up and grabbed it out of the closet. While turning it over in my hands, looking at the label, I slid down the wall.

Don’t fight it, Liam.

I screamed, “Ahhh! Fuck me!” then threw the bottle against the opposite wall. It shattered and the amber liquid ran down the wall, forming a puddle on the floor.

The door flew open.

“What the fuck are you doing in here?!” I yelled when Gunther blasted through the door. “I don’t have the patience to deal with you right now. Just leave me the fuck alone.”

“Sorry, mate. I won’t until I know you’re all right.”

“I’m fine,” I growled. “Now leave.” Instead of listening, he sat beside me.

Asshole must be hard of hearing in his old age
.

“Did you drink any of it?” he inquired, nodding at the puddle on the floor.

“No,” I muttered.

“That’s a huge step.”

“Don’t patronize me,” I grumbled.

“I’m not. I think it’s great you didn’t take a drink.”

“Whatever.” I stood and faced the bag, taking the fight stance, nailing it again, jab after jab.

The door slowly opened, and both Gunther and I went for our guns.

“Relax. It’s just me.”

“Elaina…” I went to her and she met me halfway. I reached out, but she stepped back.

“Why does it smell like booze in here? Have you been drinking?” Her furious look was mixed with that classic Elaina accusatory tone.

“No!” I panicked. “No, I wasn’t. I swear to you.”

“Bullshit! It stinks in here!”

Gunther pointed the flashlight at the wet spot on the wall. “That’s because he threw the bottle against the wall.”

She looked back and forth between us. It was obvious she wasn’t sure if we were plotting and scheming together. I didn’t blame her in the least.

“Please. You have to believe me,” I pleaded.

“We need to talk,” she whispered, looking down in the darkness.

“Uhh, yeah. I’m going to take off. Your jab is weak. Work on it.”

“Piss off, you prat,” I growled. He laughed as he exited the gym.

“Henry…” Elaina took my hand. “What’s on your hands?” She ran her thumb over the tape.

“Tape. I was heavy bag training.” I picked at the tape, then mumbled, “Was hoping it would make me forget my craving.”

“And?”

“Nope. Come sit with me.” I directed her hesitant body over to the wall where my shirt was, and began peeling the tape off of my hands and wrists.

After hissing and saying a few choice words from the tape pulling a few hairs out by the roots, I wadded it into a ball and rolled it in my hands, feeling nervous.

I blurted out, my voice cracking, “I’m losing you, aren’t I?” Before she could respond, I stammered, “I…I can’t lose you, Elaina. I can’t. We’ve been through so much together and I–”

“Henry, stop.” Thankfully, I was able to stop or she might have had to slap the shit out of me. I would have accepted it humbly because I deserved it. “I’m so upset over you letting them stay.”

“You have–”

“Shut up!” Elaina raged, fists taut at her thighs. “Let me talk, damn it!”

“Yes, sorry.”

“I haven’t been considering your feelings. I know you are trying to lead and direct us, but you are trying to deal with so many issues in your own head. Honestly, I can’t blame you for drinking. Between what happened to you and what you have seen… It would throw the strongest person over the edge. You are suffering on the inside, all while trying to lead this pack of riff raff, over the top, egotistical assholes.” She allowed herself to succumb to the tears. “You are the most fucked up person I have ever known, and I love you so much. It tears my heart out knowing what this has done…
is
doing to you. But…” There was always a but. I closed my eyes, waiting for the blow. “I feel like you have betrayed me and, more importantly, betrayed Nick. We will never see eye-to-eye on this issue, and I don’t know if I can be a participant.”

“Elaina…no,” I whimpered.

“I know you’re hurting and I know you’re trying to lead fairly, but I’m struggling with this. So–”

“Elaina…please. Please, don’t. I’m begging you.”

“I just need time to work through this.” She tried to get up, but I grabbed her arm. “UGH! What is with you two and being so damn grabby?! Let go of me!”

“I won’t. Not until you agree to still be with me.”

“Henry…don’t do this to me. I’m a wreck and I can’t handle this. You can
not
demand from me what I may no longer be able to give.”

“I’m so fucking sorry about what happened to him. I’m so fucking sorry for how much you have lost, but we need each other. You’re just as broken as I am.”

“We can’t fix each other, Henry!”

My voice shook. “I’m only whole when I’m with you.”

“Henry, don’t…”

“Can’t you see we need each other?”

Several long silence-filled seconds later, she barked, “I do! I do. I love you so much. It’s far deeper than anyone could possibly comprehend. I don’t even understand it myself most days.”

“I love you beyond reason. I know I’ve been a chore and I have apologized for that several times. Please, let us work through this. Let’s try. I want to give it my best shot. I just have to say, though, that you can’t threaten to leave me every time we disagree. It will never work that way.”

“This is not a minor disagreement, Henry! My brother fucking died!”

“I know! I put the bullet in his head myself! It was my responsibility to do so! I owed that to you and him!” I shouted, but calmed myself when I heard her whimper. “Look, I understand that, but I will keep my promise to you. You know that.”

“This feels like such treachery,” Elaina muttered.

“I don’t know what to tell you. If I want to lead fairly and properly, I can’t subject them to punishment for something they didn’t do. I can’t do it. It’s not justified. It would be like prosecuting you for all my wrongdoings when you had no idea what I was up to. I know this hurts you, but I need you to understand it hurts me, too. Terribly. I want to throw them out, I want to kill them all, but it’s wrong. I can’t lead on emotion. I have to lead on facts and fairness.”

I was right, and I could tell Elaina hated it.

“Elaina, it kills me to know he’s gone, but he’s where he wants to be. He’s with Claire and Willow now. I made you leave the cafeteria because I was certain Ben was going to shoot me and you didn’t need to witness that. I still think he would have if Nick didn’t make a move.”

Survivor’s guilt was something I dealt with quite often, especially when it was affecting the one I loved most.

Elaina leaned her head on my shoulder and I turned into her so she was on my chest. Stroking her hair, I ran my fingers down her back, but she was as stiff as a board…like she was resisting me. Or maybe I revolted her. She looked up at me and let me kiss her, a very gentle, old Henry kind of kiss.

I had to try.

Elaina twisted around and straddled my lap, which took me by surprise. “You promise me you will throw them out if they even look at any of us wrong?”

“Yes. I laid out the rules for them and they agreed.”

She chewed the inside of her cheek for a moment. “I’m not happy with it, but I will live with it.”

“Thank you,” I said roughly. My cock was already thickening with her shifting hips on top of me.

Taking my face in her hands, she kissed me. My hands slid down her sides and rested on her hips. Pulling back, she stared into my eyes with desire, but I could also see the distance between us. She was holding back, trying to cover up whatever it was with a need for sexual release. There was a fracture between us. I didn’t know if I could put us back together, but I desperately wanted to fix it.

“I need you, Henry. I need to be one with you. That comfort… I need to feel a connection with you right now.”

“God, love, I want that, too. I want all of that for you. I want to mend us, get us back. But…” I grabbed her shoulders and pushed her back.

“What are you doing?”

“This is not what you need right now.”

She shifted again, making me hiss as the seam bit down on me. “But you’re ready.”

“Yeah, I am, but this is not what we need. We will just lose the moment.” She was still distant and felt a million miles away from me. It broke my fucking heart. I loved her so much, it could make me weep. Pulling her close, I whispered in her ear, “I love you, Elaina. I can’t even put it into words.”

She rested her forehead against mine with no expression on her face. It was blank, unforgiving.

I was losing her. The only way I could sway her into allowing me back into her mind, body, and soul was to show her I could take care of her.

Without warning, her stomach growled embarrassingly loud. I smirked. “Let’s go get you some food,” I murmured. She shook her head. “You’re hungry, though.”

“I can’t go in there,” Elaina whimpered.

“Yes, you can. Everything has been cleaned up. Gunther and Quinn did a great job getting everything tidied…just for you.” She took a deep breath because she knew I would drive her batty and wouldn’t relent unless she tried. “Come on. I’m going to take care of you for a change.”

I lifted Elaina off of my lap and tugged my shirt on over my sweaty body. I held her close, walking her toward the cafeteria. She stopped a few steps shy before we would round the corner for the door.

I took her by her arms. “You can do this. You are the strongest person I know.”

“I’m not, Henry. I’m not! Every time I close my eyes, I see Nick on his back, blood pooling around him, asking me to let him go.”

“Yes, you are, love. You are
so
strong. I understand the visions, sounds, and feelings of guilt, and can empathize with it. There is nothing I can do to change that for you, but I can help you through it.”

I gently grabbed her hand. “No…” Elaina tried to break away from my grip. I knew she wanted to run far away and pretend that Nick’s death never happened, as did I.

“You have to face this.”

“I’m not ready yet. It’s too soon.”

“Elaina, you need to eat.”

“Why can’t you understand I want to close it out of my mind?” And with all of her two-year-old angst, she crossed her arms over her chest. “I’m not hungry anymore.”

“Don’t lie to me. Are you going to avoid going in there as long as we call this home? If you have to, tuck your head into my body and I will guide you to the windows, away from where everything happened.” She shook her head again, making me sigh in frustration.
Think fast…
Then I got an idea. “All right then. Wait here. I’ll be right back.”