Fractured Hearts (Shattered Lives, Book Three) (26 page)

“Are you guys all right now?” Gunther asked me.

“I don’t know.” I was exhausted and still a bit lost. “She’s so hard to read sometimes. After you left the gym, we had some words. But then she wanted to have sex right then, which was odd. It wasn’t the right time. She wanted to feel a connection, but I could feel her resistance. It was like she was trying to test the waters and see if we could still connect. I want to take care of her again like before, but I’m not sure if she believes I can. Truthfully,
I’m
not sure either. I’m trying, though.”

“You just have to give her time. She has so much to deal with. Coping with your issues isn’t exactly a walk in the park.”

“Yeah, I know. Thanks for the update,” I muttered.

“She has to deal with you…you being sick, your booze issues…”

I waved my hand at him. “Yeah, thanks. I got it.” Gunther was making a list for me that I was already
very
fucking aware of because it was always in the forefront of my mind.

“I just think you need to be reminded of what Elaina has to struggle with. Her side of the fence, yeah? It’s not just your disease. It’s hers, as well. You both live with it.”

I rested my hands on my hips and looked away from him. “I know. She reminds me of it more frequently than not.”

“You have a deep love for each other. You will get through this.” Gunther paused. “You’re still going to have your ceremony, right?”

“Yeah, I think so.” I scrubbed my dirty face with my equally dirty hands. “God, I hope so. I don’t even know, actually. We’ve been working hard trying to get ready, too. Christ, if she changes her mind…”

“Yeah. Well, I hope she likes what we’ve been doing. Everybody’s been working their fingers to the bone.”

“She will. I just hope she still wants to. That’s my worry.”

Gunther clapped me on the shoulder. “I think she’s just a bit lost, mate. Just love on her as much as you can.”

I was appalled. “Are you fucking for real?”

He pulled his hand back. “What?”

“You? Giving me relationship advice?”

“Pretty ironic, huh?” Gunther laughed.

I needed to change the subject. “So things are going well with Quinn?”

“Christ, she’s bloody amazing. I’m kind of sad I never tried out this love thing before. However, I’m sure it would’ve never been this amazing with anyone else. When we are together, I feel so whole. You know what I mean?”

“Yeah… Yeah, I do.” I was quiet for a few moments. “I can’t live without her. It will tear me apart if she decided to end it. I’m not sure how I would handle it.”

“I suspect it wouldn’t be pretty. Just love on her, dote on her the best you can in this fucked up world we live in.”

“She’s still angry with me over allowing Ben’s crew to stay. Damn it. She sends mixed signals all the time. One second, she’s spouting off at me; the next, she’s hopping on my lap for a ride.”

“I imagine that has to be frustrating.”

“Yeah. It makes me fucking mental,” I growled. “I never know which way she’s going. She loves me…she doesn’t. She hates me…she doesn’t. Fucking merry-go-round.”

“It’ll all work out the way it’s supposed to. Well, I’m going to go clean up a little and see if I can grab a quick one. Just the thought of bringing Quinn over the edge is making my J.T. jump around in my shorts.”

“You never change,” I chuckled.

“I’m telling you…
amazing
. We fit together perfectly. When I see her get there, I want to make it happen as many times as I can before I let go.”

“I don’t want to know.” We both laughed.

“Let me know when you want to work more on the ceremony stuff.” Gunther patted me on my soft belly. “Oh, and we need to get you in the gym to get rid of that fat belly you’ve acquired.”

“Oh, shut it, you ape,” I grumbled. “I’ll let you know. I have to get moving here so we can bury Nick.”

“I’ll see you in a little while then.”

Gunther headed out and I decided to clean up a bit. When I saw what a mess everything was, I started straightening and re-straightening and re-straightening again, cursing the entire time.

The blankets suddenly rustled on our bed. I trained my Sig at the moving mass, only to have Elaina pop out from under the covers.

“Holy shit, Elaina!” I yelled, tucking my gun away. “What the fuck are you doing?!”

“Hiding…originally from myself, then from you and Gunther.”

“I assume you heard everything we said then?” She nodded. I sighed, padded to her, and sat.

“I’m sorry. I don’t mean to be so difficult and confusing all the time. Gunther’s right. I’m just lost.”

“I know, love. Can you make me a promise?”

“I don’t know if I can.”

“Well, try. Promise me you will just stop all of this madness. I can’t take knowing you are with me one minute, but not the next. I love you more than I can express but, fucking hell. It kills me a little each time you pull away from me.”

“I know,” Elaina whimpered.

“Then why are you still holding back?”

“You’ve put me through so much and it hurts. And I’m scared, Henry. I’m scared of losing you. So I guess I’m just pushing you away so it hurts less when it finally does happen.”

Whoa…back the bus up. I was concerned why she thought she was going to lose me. I pocketed that for a later time and reached out to touch her face. “I’ve apologized a thousand times for my misgivings, but I beg you. Please don’t push me away, love. My heart can only handle so much before it shatters.”

“You’re right. You are always right. It’s me, and I feel like I’m the one always screwing things up.
You
haven’t screwed up anything. You have just been trying to cope with all of the madness. I’m the one who has broken this relationship.”

How could she think that?
“Elaina…” I reached for her and she fell into my arms. “I have ownership in this, as well. You have been pulling away from having to deal with the mess within me. You haven’t broken us. A lot of this chaos between us is on me.”

“I have done my fair share of ruining things…us and my brother.”

“Hey… Come on.” I sensed she wanted to tell me something, but she didn’t have the nerve. I coaxed, “Anything else you want to discuss?”

“No,” she whispered.

Bullshit, but I couldn’t force her to do anything she didn’t want to do. I leaned over and kissed her forehead. “Gunther said Quinn would shave my hair. I’m thinking I might need a trim.” I smiled while pulling at the messy mop on top of my head.

“I think you can wait another few weeks. By then, we could probably store stuff in it.” She reached up and ran the hair between her fingers.

I laughed. “Very funny. I’m going to clean up and see if she can do it now.”

“Okay.”

“After that, we’ll…well…” I shoved my filthy hand through my hair again.

“Yeah.” She looked as if she was about to cry again, between the rosy cheeks and red-rimmed eyes.

I cupped my hand around her face. “We’re going to get through this. I promise you. We will have our happily ever after. You deserve that and so much more.” She pursed her lips and nodded.

And, with that, I left the room.

After being gone for quite some time, I was pretty certain Elaina’s anxiety levels had to be soaring and wouldn’t be coming down anytime soon. I needed to get back to her.

When I stepped into our room, she sat up from the bed and smiled at me. It had been a while since she had seen me with short hair and my beard trimmed to a five o’clock shadow.

“Hey, love. How are you doing?”

“Wow! You look hot, lover. Stunning…like the man I first met.”

I blushed and rubbed my chin. My hand found the way to my belly, feeling self-conscious over it. “Not quite, but thanks. I’m going to work on it, though.” The dreaded pause came, tension building around us. “Uhh…we’re pretty much ready.”

Her smile faded. “No. I’m not ready,” she whispered.

I took her hand and helped her stand, shaking knees and all. “I’ve got you, love. Lean on me. I’m here for you,” I whispered in her ear.

Walking Elaina out of our room and down the hallway, I clutched her body tight to mine. We made the final turn around the corner and the side door came into view. One dogged step at a time, I escorted her to it.

We stepped outside, and Gunther was positioned at the front corner of the school with a rifle in hand, standing guard. It was a sad reminder of the kind of world we lived in. He smiled as soft as he could while holding an assault rifle.

With a single nod at him, Elaina and I walked around to the back. As soon as the pile of dirt near Claire and Willow’s grave came into sight, her entire body shook with violent spasms.

I whispered in her ear, “I’ve got you. I will be your strength. You take every bit you can from me.” Elaina swallowed hard and continued to put one foot in front of the other.

Quinn, Thomas, Cora, and the kids were all standing, waiting for us. Sitting in a chair near the head of the grave was Josie, guitar in hand. Quinn reached for Elaina and held her for a few moments. Then Thomas approached, tears streaming down his face, and hugged her with his rail thin body. And then Cora, who didn’t know Nick very well, held Elaina for a few moments, touching her chin as she pulled away. Our family was amazing and I appreciated every single one of them for all they offered.

I took Elaina’s hand again and walked her to the grave. Quinn and Thomas huddled around her, blocking the slight breeze swirling through the air. All of us were protecting her and holding her up with what was left of our strength.

Cora stood tall. “Before we get started, Josie wanted to say a couple things and play a song for Nick.”

She stood, tears pouring down her face. “I didn’t know Nick very long, but he was an honorable man. He was caring and he loved with every ounce of his being.” She glanced at Elaina. “When he was alone in his room, grieving for Claire and Willow, he would play a certain song. One day, I asked him to allow me to watch. It was very moving, and I hope I can relate the same feeling here today.”

Josie sat and wiped the tears from her eyes. She began the song and we recognized it immediately—“Run” by Snow Patrol.

My heart sank and Elaina nearly collapsed. Before she hit the ground, Quinn and I both grabbed her by the shoulders. We all heard him playing that song many times, but I had no idea why. Josie sang with finesse and love, doing a phenomenal job bringing Nick through.

Overwhelmed by her unselfishness, she played for Claire and Willow, not for herself. That’s exactly what he would have wanted. I hadn’t realized she knew him that well. Of course, I was too pissed-up and too busy trying to keep Elaina in my grip to notice much.

Pushing her hand on the edge of the chair, Josie forced herself to stand and leaned the guitar against the back. She lumbered over, standing behind us. I reached behind, grabbing her hand for a moment, showing Josie my gratitude.

“Thank you, Josie. That was beautiful. Would anyone like to speak?” Cora asked in a soft voice.

“Yes,” I said, then kissed Elaina on the forehead, leaving Quinn to keep her steady. She couldn’t control her crying. Seeing her that way broke me, leaving me wanting to make all of her pain disappear.

Every dogged step to the head of the grave where Cora waited hurt worse than the previous. I had already put him in his grave months ago when I lost control.

Clearing my throat a few times, I took a deep breath. “I remember the first time I met Nick. Elaina brought me to her parents’ home for Sunday dinner. I was in the family room, speaking with her father, and I felt this presence behind me. I peeked over my shoulder and Nick was leaning in the doorway, watching me with a very critical eye. He wasn’t pleased I swept his baby sister off her feet. He pulled me aside and told me if I even so much as made one tear fall from Elaina’s eyes, he would kick my ass.” Everyone laughed, including Elaina, because that was Nick.

“There are some things that happened between him and me I deeply regret, some things for which I will never forgive myself.” I looked Elaina in the eyes and she covered her mouth to hold in the sobs. While wiping away the tears coursing down my cheeks, I leaned down and grabbed a handful of the freshly dug earth. “May your journey to the other side make you whole again, my dear brother.”

A gentle toss and the dirt landed in the grave.

I walked back over to Elaina and she collapsed into me. There was no way she could speak, so Cora led us in a prayer. Afterward, I guided Elaina over to the grave. She grabbed a handful of dirt and stood frozen for several minutes, clutching the earth in her hands.

“Take your time, love. As long as you need,” I whispered into her ear. “I’m right here for you.”

“I can’t,” she cried.

“You can. He asked you to let him go. You gave him what he wanted. You allowed him to pass and go where he wanted and needed to be.”

Elaina held her hand over the grave and shut her eyes, letting the dirt slide through her fingers and fall onto Nick’s tormented body.

“Thomas…,” I called softly. He came over and I handed him a shovel.

It was real.

Nick was gone.

Quinn brought over the chair for Elaina, helping her sit before her legs gave out again. She watched us bury Nick, then stayed for hours, staring at the mound of freshly dug dirt, a blank look on her face. I was right there with her, by her side, where I belonged.