Fractured Hearts (Shattered Lives, Book Three) (25 page)

Every morning at dawn, Elaina thought to herself,
I really need to move this stupid bed
. The part of the window that wasn’t covered seemed to channel the sun directly into her eyes no matter what position she was in.

Every…fucking…morning.

She groaned and rolled over, reaching to the other side of the bed, looking to cuddle up with Henry. She sat straight up. “Henry?” Not that he could go far in their room. As she looked around through the sleepy haze, rubbing her eyes, she saw he wasn’t there. So she stood, dressing in haste. After grabbing her Sig, Elaina ran out of the room.

“Henry!” she yelled, seeing no one and hearing just as much. Maybe she was in the middle of a nightmare. “Henry!” She bellowed while pounding down the hallway. Elaina ran toward the cafeteria, but the invisible barrier at the door brought her to a screeching halt. At that point, she knew she was awake.

Quinn, Cora, the kids, and the crew she greatly despised were carrying on as if life were normal. Nothing would ever be normal. She couldn’t go in—couldn’t look in. She spun around.

“Elaina?” She felt Quinn’s warm hands on her back.

“Have you seen Henry?” Elaina asked with a quiet, shaky voice.

Quinn rubbed Elaina’s arms. “Hon, why won’t you turn around?”

She covered her face. “I can’t go in there yet.”

“Right,” Quinn replied. “I understand. Henry and Gunther left a while ago. They were going to start the digging.”

Elaina shuddered. “Okay.”

“Are you hungry? Henry asked me to take care of you when you woke.”

“No,” Elaina quipped, then decided she needed to get away from the cafeteria. Breaking free from Quinn’s loving grasp, she took off back down the hall, her heart thundering in her chest.

As Elaina rounded the corner, she heard music coming from Cora and Josie’s room. Stopping at the door, she listened to Josie sing a rendition of “Landslide”. Wondering if that was the song she would play at Nick’s burial, the goose bumps raised all over her body.

She looked for an escape, but found herself standing in front of the door of her brother’s room. This time, she was able to press down the handle herself. Personal progress.

After closing the door behind her, she stood motionless. She could smell him. A mix between funk and spice infiltrated her sinuses. Elaina chuckled a little.

With a jolt, she thought,
What the fuck is wrong with me? Why am I laughing
? He had just died the day before and she was in his room, trying to figure out what her life would be like without him.

Her mind raced through their entire lives together. There were many ups and downs, many days of brawls and friendship. Then Elaina met Henry. He altered their lives in more ways than one. In a snap of a finger, Henry changed Nick from alive to halfway to the brink of death.

“True death,” she whimpered.

The death of Claire and Willow barreled in. She had to sit before she fell to the floor. There were too many thoughts and emotions colliding at once. She sat in the closest chair…a puny desk/chair combo, one in which a third grader might sit comfortably.

She wasn’t petite. Glancing down at her legs, she admired their length. She thought they’d look hot wearing a skirt with a cute ankle boot. Then she smacked herself in the head.
How did I manage to turn Nick’s true death into all about myself?

“Typical,” she growled, angry with herself for being the usual selfish and self-absorbed person that she was.

She was trying to preserve the good memories of Nick, but decided she needed to get out of the room before she had a meltdown.

Elaina ripped opened the door and Josie was standing with her hand out as if she was about to open it. “Uh… Hi…,” she said.

“Hi,” Elaina replied curtly.

“I was… I was just wanting to look around.” Elaina glared at Josie, who then sighed. “I just wanted to be with his stuff for inspiration.”

“Right…” Elaina waved her in. She wanted to leave because she knew it was going to get really awkward.

Before she could make her move to leave, Josie asked, “Can I talk to you?”

Shit
, Elaina thought. Then she noted her big sorrowful eyes, making her heart sink. She could see why Nick liked her. She was beautiful…for an emo. Elaina gestured toward the desk/chair. She fit in it much nicer because she had that waif thing going for her.

“I wanted to talk to you about how I feel.”

“Go on,” Elaina said, realizing that sounded a bit bitchy. The conversation was definitely going to be uncomfortable because she was still upset over her and Nick’s argument.

“I fell for him,” Josie meekly said. It was like she was sharing her deepest, darkest, dirtiest secret and was afraid of who would hear it, but she had that desire to expose herself. “From the moment I heard him singing and playing his guitar, I melted. But I knew there wasn’t room in his heart for me. He had just lost the love of his life and the child they made together. I’m lost. I loved him, but I don’t know if it’s okay to confess that in song form in front of everyone. What do you think I should do?”

Elaina thought about every word that came out of Josie’s mouth. She struggled with the words sitting on the tip of her tongue. Josie stared at her, waiting, longing for a response.

Elaina’s hands moved as if she couldn’t control them. She touched her face and lips, twisted her hair around her fingers several times, then adjusted her shirt more than it needed to be.

Finally, she found the volume to say the words waiting impatiently on her tongue. The words Nick spoke to her that she didn’t want to acknowledge. “He fell for you, too.”

Elaina stood and moved for the door as if the room was on fire, needing to get out of there. “Wait!” Josie was stunned. “He kissed me. He said he was confused, but he was falling for me. He said the same to you?”

Again, Elaina was frozen in place, her hand on the door handle. She was facing the hallway, struggling to find the strength to open the door. “My brother always moved on quickly. He was in love with being in love. But when he
did
love, it was real and it was strong.”

“What are you saying?”

Did she not understand?
Elaina didn’t want to say it out loud. She didn’t want to say he moved on from Claire, her best friend, the mother of his child. It seemed like betrayal to Claire and Willow’s memory. “He confessed his feelings for you. He told me he fell for you. I scolded him. I couldn’t handle it. He was
supposed
to be with Claire.” Anger scalded her tongue, and that fucking lump in her throat appeared again. She wished she could cut the damn thing out and was sick of it showing up when she didn’t want it to. “He was supposed to be the father of little Willow, but they were gone and he moved on…too quickly for me, quite frankly.”

“Not once did he ever say he had forgotten them. He cried in my arms over how much he missed them. He had an undying love for them.” Josie paused. “We didn’t do anything much besides kiss and touch a little because he refused. The only thing he wanted from me was someone to hold at night. Someone to be there for him in his time of infinite sadness.” Pointing at herself, Josie said, “So
I
gave him what he needed.”

Elaina turned around to face Josie. “I didn’t approve of him pushing away Claire and Willow and moving forward with
you
.” Fists clenched, her anger was out in the open. “I couldn’t accept it, and it made him angry.”

“So, because of your feelings, he wasn’t allowed to move forward with his?”

“Who do you think you are, questioning anything?! You barely knew him!” Elaina spat. “I ask you to take a good look at what happened. It wasn’t that long ago when Claire and Willow died. She loved him for years.”

“But why wouldn’t you let him move forward? This has to be why he said you wouldn’t approve of a relationship between him and me.”

“Did you miss what he said in his last breaths? He said he wanted me to let him go so he could be with Claire and little Willow!”

“I understand that. We could’ve had something, but he wouldn’t allow himself to move forward because
you
were in love with the idea of him, Claire, and Willow! He loved me!” Josie shouted with tear-laden eyes.

“That is
not
why he couldn’t allow himself to move forward. You are sadly mistaken, honey. He was in love with her! He kissed the ground that woman walked on. He would talk to Willow day in/day out while she lay in the safety of Claire’s body. He loved them with a deepness you couldn’t ever possibly understand. I had never seen him look at another woman with the same eyes with which he looked at Claire.
Not even you
.”

“Are you saying he played me like a fiddle?”

“I’m saying he was truly in love with Claire and then you came along. It was convenient.” Elaina chewed the inside of her cheek, thinking maybe she shouldn’t have said that. It was a little harsh.

“I understand.” The hurt in Josie’s voice was clear. “Excuse me, please.” She stormed past Elaina, trying to muscle her away from the door. “Keep in mind you gave me his guitar and said he would have wanted me to have it.”

Without another breath, Elaina put it all out there. “It’s the truth. He would have wanted you to have it. I’m angry with him! Okay. There it is. The big controversial statement from Elaina Cooper! Fuck me.” The name Cooper added to her pissed off attitude. It should have been Daniels ages ago. “I feel guilty I’m angry with him! I feel guilty one of our last conversations was a fight over your relationship with him!”

“He knew you were angry with him, but he wasn’t as angry as you think.”

“Then why wouldn’t he talk to me after that? He would just pass me in the halls, glaring at me!”

“Because your brutal words hurt him, extending straight through to his soul. He knew what he had lost! Every day, he’d beat himself up over it. You didn’t have to remind him of it!”

“So I’m to blame for a non-relationship that probably would never have gone anywhere, except to bed. Perfect. Just absolutely fucking perfect. I’m to blame for my brother’s misery. I have nothing else to say.” The tears burned Elaina’s face as they tracked down her cheeks.

“You’re telling me if something happened to you, you would want Henry to sit and wallow in his sadness and self-pity for the rest of his life? Mourn you day in and day out? Never take another breath just to prove his love for you? That’s unfair. Nick had
nothing
to prove. His heart was pure and full of devotion to them. He was trying to live, Elaina.
All he wanted to do was live
.”

With nothing compelling to add, Elaina yelled, “You know nothing of my relationship with Henry!”

“This is not the conversation I wanted to have,” Josie muttered, wiping a tear from her cheek. Elaina swallowed hard seeing Josie trying to hold back her emotions.

“I have to go.” Elaina turned back to the door.

“Elaina…wait.” She rolled her eyes and turned back around. “I’m sorry. I greatly appreciate everything you and your family have done for me. My heart aches for you. You have lost much more than I have.”

The guilt came in fast and hard. “Look, I’m sorry. I’m just trying to deal with all of this in stride. Between all the death that surrounds and engulfs me, and the fact Henry and I still have things to work through…”

“Are you together?”

Elaina sighed. Did she want to discuss her relationship with Josie? No, absolutely not. But she
needed
to talk about it. “Yes, we are, but we aren’t what we used to be. His drinking did a number on us, and I’m still furious over how he abused himself. I don’t know how to fix it and neither does he, but he’s trying. Our lives are completely different, obviously due to the program, which fucked up him and everyone else involved in it for life!”

“I’m sorry,” Josie said with sincerity. “I wish we could go back–”

Elaina interrupted. “Well, it’s not happening any time soon, so let’s not live on broken dreams.” She crossed her arms in front of her chest.

“Right. Thank you. I think I’ve heard enough.” Josie opened the door and stormed out.

“Fuck me.” Elaina chased after her as she ran down the hall. “Josie! Josie, wait.” She caught up to her only because she stopped running.

“What?! What do you want besides to ridicule me and stay in denial?!”

“I’m sorry. Please.” Elaina looked at her gaunt, pale face, admiring the simple beauty she presented. “My brother would have wanted you to have that guitar. On several occasions, he told me he enjoyed your voice and your style. I am just angry with Nick for choosing himself and not choosing me.”

“That is probably the most selfish thing I have ever heard someone say.”

“I know, but at least I’m admitting it,” Elaina muttered.

“So, because of your own selfish needs, he shouldn’t move forward.” Pointing to her chest, she growled, “I was there for him. It may have been nice if his only sister was there for him, as well.”

“I think we have been over this already,” Elaina grumbled.

“I’m not the one who chased me down! I was the one who left! Don’t take your fucking anger out on me!” Josie stormed off, opened the door to her and Cora’s room, and slammed it shut behind her.

Briefly, Elaina thought she should apologize, but then thought,
Fuck it
. She was pissed off because everything had turned to shit. Well, not everything. Henry and she were on good terms for the moment, but there was a little unrepairable hairline fracture that kept pushing both of them apart. Or Elaina away from him at least. She decided to go be by herself and sulk.

Walking into her room, she curled up in a ball under the blankets on the bed, trying to hide from everything and everyone, including herself. The door opened and Henry and Gunther came in. She decided not to move, pretending she was invisible, escaping her own reality.