Free-Range Chickens (4 page)

World’s oldest profession

If prostitution really is the “world’s oldest profession,” that means there was a time when it was the only job on earth.

20,000
B.C.

MAN:
Hey.

WOMAN:
Hey.

MAN AND WOMAN:
(in unison)
You want some action?

MAN:
Damn. Thought I had a sale.

WOMAN:
Me too.

MAN:
Hey, do you mind if I go after the next customer? It’s been a really slow week for me.

WOMAN:
Go ahead.

MAN:
Thanks. Hello, sir!

SECOND MAN:
Want some action?

MAN:
(Sighs.)

SECOND MAN:
(to woman)
Want some action?

19,000
B.C.

MAN:
Guess what? I came up with a new profession. It’s called “carpenter.”

WOMAN:
Is it sort of like “prostitute”?

MAN:
No, it’s a totally different thing. I make things out of wood and sell them to other people.

WOMAN:
Sell them? For what?

MAN:
Sex, usually. I mean…my customers are all prostitutes.

WOMAN:
Oh. Want some action?

MAN:
Do
you
want some action?

WOMAN:
I thought you said you were a carpenter now.

MAN:
I’m not quitting my day job.

Worst nightmare

POLICE OFFICER:
Mr. Rich? We need to speak to you.

ME:
Is there a problem, Officer?

SECOND POLICE OFFICER:
Your neighbor Mrs. Hamilton was murdered today, and you match the witness’s description. I’d call that a problem.

ME:
Officer, I swear, I had nothing to do with it!

SECOND POLICE OFFICER:
We’ll need an alibi. Where were you this afternoon?

ME:
At what time?

SECOND POLICE OFFICER:
From eight
A.M.
to six
P.M
.

ME:
I was here. In my apartment.

POLICE OFFICER:
Really? On a Wednesday?

SECOND POLICE OFFICER:
Why weren’t you at work?

ME:
Well, I’m a writer, so I work from home.

POLICE OFFICER:
So you were writing. What were you working on?

SECOND POLICE OFFICER:
I don’t see any writing materials around.

ME:
Well…actually…I didn’t really get much work done today.

POLICE OFFICER:
So what did you
do
all day?

ME:
I watched TV.

POLICE OFFICER:
For the entire day?

ME:
Um…yeah.

POLICE OFFICER:
What did you watch?

ME:
Does it really matter?

POLICE OFFICER:
Yes.

ME:
Okay…I watched
Nanny 911.

POLICE OFFICER:
What’s that?

ME:
It’s a reality show about a group of British nannies. They visit American households and try to get them to be more organized.

SECOND POLICE OFFICER:
What else?

ME:
That’s it. Just…that one show.

POLICE OFFICER:
You watched
Nanny 911
for ten straight hours?

ME:
There was a marathon.

SECOND POLICE OFFICER:
Jesus. What about meals?

ME:
I ordered in pizza. Once at noon and then again at around five.

POLICE OFFICER:
You ordered pizza twice in one day?

SECOND POLICE OFFICER:
(picking up copy of
TV Guide) Hey, it says here that the
Nanny 911
marathon was only five hours long. Your story doesn’t hold up.

ME:
Well…the thing is…they ran the marathon twice. Once from eight to one…and then again, from one to six.

POLICE OFFICER:
Wait a minute. You’re telling us you watched five episodes of
Nanny 911,
from eight to one. And then you watched the same five episodes
again,
from one to six?

(long pause)

ME:
I murdered Mr. Hamilton.

POLICE OFFICER:
You mean
Mrs.
Hamilton?

ME:
Whatever.

The only e-mails I could receive that would justify the frequency with which I check my e-mail

Hey Simon,

It’s Danielle, the quiet girl you said “hi” to once at Academic Camp the summer after junior year of high school. I’d explain how I tracked you down and got your e-mail address, but there just isn’t enough time: in three minutes, I’m leaving on a jet plane for the Bahamas. (I know—I should have e-mailed earlier!) Anyway, I’ve been secretly in love with you for the past six years and I want you to come live with me in paradise. If you write back in the next three minutes, I can get the pilot to wait for you. If you don’t respond by then, I’ll have no choice but to assume that our feelings are not reciprocal.

Danielle

Dear Mr. Rich,

This is the IRS. We have a feeling that you may have accidentally exaggerated some of your business expenses this year, but we don’t want to trouble you with something as unpleasant as a tax audit. Can you do us a favor and just send over a quick e-mail confirming that you told the truth on all of your forms? You don’t have to explain your specific expenses—you can just put “It’s all true” in the subject heading, or something to that effect. If you write us back before the tax deadline, which is in three minutes, then we’ll consider this matter closed. Otherwise, we’ll have no choice but to take your silence as an admission of guilt and send you to prison.

IRS

Hey Simon,

How’s it going? It’s Craig from high school. I just wanted to say hey and see what you were up to. I just started working for a company called Skylar Labs and it’s been really exciting. In fact, I’m actually on my way to a press conference right now. In three minutes we’re unveiling a really cool new product to the public. It’s hard to explain, but basically it stops the spread of cancer cells while simultaneously giving patients the ability to fly. I wonder if the announcement will have any effect on our company’s stock prices? Anyway, hope everything’s cool with you and I’ll talk to you later.

Craig

Dear Mr. Rich,

Three minutes ago, NASA confirmed that a moon-sized asteroid is on a collision course with Earth. In preparation for this day, the government has built an escape pod, called simply, “The Ark.” You are among the ten humans who have been selected to board the pod and serve as the progenitors for a new race of men which will live on after our planet has exploded. The other humans going into the pod are Jack Nicholson, a brilliant scientist, and the seven most beautiful women on the planet. Please write us back in the next few minutes to confirm that you’re willing to take part in this mission. If you’re uncomfortable with this level of power and celebrity, just ignore this e-mail and in three minutes your seat will be given to someone else.

God bless you,

The President

An interview with Stephen Hawking

REPORTER:
I just want to start off by saying what a huge fan I am.

STEPHEN HAWKING:
Thank you so much.

REPORTER:
How does it feel to know that your seminal work,
A Brief History of Time,
has sold over two million copies worldwide?

STEPHEN HAWKING:
It’s an incredible honor. I’m still shocked, to be honest, that it was published in the first place. It isn’t very often that
I Love Lucy
fan fiction makes its way onto the shelves.

REPORTER:
I’m sorry…did you say “
I Love Lucy
fan fiction”?

STEPHEN HAWKING:
Yes, that’s what my book is: a series of stories that I wrote using the characters from
I Love Lucy.
They travel around the world together, having zany adventures.

REPORTER:
I thought it was about astrophysics. Like…black holes.

STEPHEN HAWKING:
That’s only the first three chapters. In the middle of chapter four the narrative spirals off into
I Love Lucy
fan fiction and stays there for the remainder of the book.

REPORTER:
Really?

STEPHEN HAWKING:
Yes.
I must say, I’m pretty surprised you didn’t notice. It’s almost as if you started to read my book, got bored, and then quit after just a few pages.

REPORTER:
…

STEPHEN HAWKING:
Oh my God. That’s what happened, isn’t it? You bought my book, because you wanted to look smart, but you never even read past page fifty! I’m right, aren’t I?

REPORTER:
I’m sorry, Dr. Hawking.

STEPHEN HAWKING:
Has
anyone
finished my book?

The final moments of the
Titanic

According to legend, the
Titanic
band continued to play music as their ship went down. They never abandoned their instruments or sought places in the lifeboats. Instead, they used their final moments to calm their fellow passengers with popular melodies and lovely waltzes.

CAPTAIN:
You gentlemen are an inspiration, even to an old sea dog like me.

CELLIST:
Thank you, sir.

CAPTAIN:
While there’s still time, I’d like to make one last request. Would you play “Nearer, My God, to Thee”? It’s my favorite hymn.

VIOLINIST:
Of course, sir. That’s my favorite hymn too. A-one and a-two and-a…wait a minute…what do you mean “last request”? I thought we were getting paid to play until six.

CELLIST:
Yeah, our contract says “midnight to six.”

CAPTAIN:
Well, yes…but I imagine the end will come by then. I mean, if the ship continues to sink at this rate.

VIOLIST:
If the ship continues to
what
?
(Looks up from his sheet music.)
Holy
shit
! Guys, look!

DRUMMER:
Jesus
Christ
! Is that a fucking
hole
in the
ship
?

CELLIST:
Oh my God. Oh my God oh my God oh my God oh my God…

CAPTAIN:
I don’t understand. Didn’t you men hear the
collision
?

VIOLINIST:
We couldn’t hear anything over the sound of our instruments!

CAPTAIN:
What about all the crowds of screaming people running by? You must’ve noticed them.

DRUMMER:
I thought they were just excited because we were playing so many waltzes! Why didn’t you tell us that the ship was
sinking
?

CAPTAIN:
I assumed you knew and were playing anyway. You know, as a kind of…gesture.

CELLIST:
Are you
insane
?
(turning to his bandmates)
Guys, listen, I have a plan: the rule is usually women and children first, but if we
dress up as women,
then maybe we can sneak onto the lifeboats!

VIOLINIST:
It’ll never work! We all have
beards
!

DRUMMER:
Maybe we can
kill
the women and children, to make more space!

CELLIST:
(nodding seriously)
I have a revolver in my room.

VIOLINIST:
It’s too late! The final lifeboat is leaving!

VIOLIST:
(sobbing)
What are we going to
do
?

CELLIST:
Let’s keep playing! Maybe if we do it loud and fast enough, one of the boats will hear us and come back!

DRUMMER:
It’s our only chance.

Acupuncture school

According to the U.S. Bureau of Medical Statistics, it can take up to four years to obtain a degree in acupuncture.

FIRST YEAR

PROFESSOR:
Okay, at this point, you’ve learned how to diagnose patients and insert needles into their bodies. But you still haven’t learned the most important acupunctural skill: keeping a straight face. Remember, if you start to laugh during a session, the patient will realize he’s being scammed. That means, somehow, you’re going to have to do all of this crazy stuff without laughing. Now, repeat after me:
The full body needle treatment costs two hundred dollars.

STUDENT:
The full body needle treatment…costs…it costs…
(Laughs.)

PROFESSOR:
I know. It’s not easy. Try this:
Your pathways will soon be cleansed by flowing energy.

STUDENT:
Your pathways…
(Laughs.)
…I’m sorry…it’s too crazy.

PROFESSOR:
It’s okay. You’re here to learn.

SECOND YEAR

STUDENT:
Goddamn it, it’s so hard to keep a straight face!

PROFESSOR:
I know, once the New Age music starts, it’s pretty hard not to completely lose it. Let’s take it from the top.

STUDENT:
(Clears throat.)
Hello, Mrs. Berman. I’m going to put on some soothing music to help you cleanse your mind. Then I’m going to take these needles and…
(Bursts into hysterical laughter.)
Damn it.

PROFESSOR:
Don’t get discouraged.

THIRD YEAR

PROFESSOR:
Okay, I’ll be the patient. When I complain about a symptom, you tell me there’s something wrong with my “chi.” Ready?

STUDENT:
Yes.

PROFESSOR:
I’ve been really stressed out lately. What do you think the problem is?

STUDENT:
There’s something seriously wrong with your chi.

PROFESSOR:
What’s chi?

STUDENT:
(Laughs.)

PROFESSOR:
Okay, everybody, listen up. This is something you have to be prepared for. Sometimes a patient will ask you to define “chi” and you’ll have to give them some kind of answer without losing it. Otherwise, they’ll figure out that it’s a nonsense word. I always define it as “the flowing of life energy through the body.” Everybody try saying that.

STUDENT:
The flowing of life…of life energy…
(Laughs.)

PROFESSOR:
Let’s take a breather. This has been a lot for one day.

FOURTH YEAR

PROFESSOR:
I’ve tried every other treatment in the city. Do you really think this acupuncture thing will work?

STUDENT:
Absolutely. I believe there’s something seriously wrong with your chi.

PROFESSOR:
What is chi?

STUDENT:
The flowing of life energy through the body.

PROFESSOR:
Life energy? What’s that?

STUDENT:
A steady pulsing, as old as time, that lives inside our chakras.

PROFESSOR:
(Bursts into laughter.)

(pause)

PROFESSOR:
My God…you have become the teacher and I have become the student.

STUDENT:
(blushing)
Thank you, sir.