Free-Range Chickens (9 page)

God has a plan for all of us

GOD:
Did you start that war over in South America?

ANGEL:
Yes, sir, just as you specified.

GOD:
And you gave Fred Hodges that migraine? In Fayette, Maine?

ANGEL:
Yes, of course. I followed all your orders to the letter.

GOD:
Okay, great. So the next part of my grand sweeping plan is…the next part is…um…

ANGEL:
Yes?

GOD:
Wait, hold on…I know I was going somewhere with this…

ANGEL:
…

GOD:
It’s the damnedest thing. I had this giant, all-encompassing plan, but I can’t for the life of me remember what it was.

ANGEL:
Did you…write it down somewhere?

GOD:
Nah. It was all up here.
(Points at head.)

ANGEL:
Well…maybe if I say some of the things you’ve done so far, you’ll remember?

GOD:
That’s a good idea. Let’s try that.

ANGEL:
Okay…um…the assassination of Julius Caesar…the great San Francisco fire…World War I…World War II…is anything coming back?

GOD:
I know all those things are connected somehow…they were all part of this awesome plan I had…I just can’t remember what the payoff was.

ANGEL:
…

GOD:
Guess I bit off more than I could chew.

Made for each other

ANGEL:
Look, there’s a wedding in St. Patrick’s Cathedral!

Max and Jenny…
wow, they sure seem happy.

GOD:
Yeah, that looks like a really nice event.

ANGEL:
Did you hear the vows? Max said the two of them were made for each other. It was so romantic.

GOD:
Yeah. That’s nice that he thinks that.

ANGEL:
You mean…they’re
not
made for each other?

GOD:
No. I made Max for a woman named Alice Fishbein.

ANGEL:
Who’s she?

GOD:
She lives in Peekskill. She and Max have identical senses of humor and the same taste in furniture. They’re both obsessed with baking. Their sexual organs are mathematically proportioned to provide each other with the maximum amount of pleasure. It would have been incredible.

ANGEL:
Wow. How come they didn’t end up together?

GOD:
I thought it was going to happen. Max lives in Croton. That’s only two towns over. I figured they’d run into each other sooner or later and it would be love at first sight. Guess it never panned out.

ANGEL:
What about Jenny? Who is she made for?

GOD:
I made her for this guy Tom, in Calgary. He loves red and purple Life Savers and she loves the citrus flavors, so if they ever bought a pack, it would work out perfectly. Also, Tom plays the violin and Jenny plays the upright bass, so if they ever wanted to jam, they could just go ahead and do it.

ANGEL:
But Calgary…that’s all the way in
Canada.

GOD:
Yeah. I should have put them closer.

(Church bells ring below.)

ANGEL:
Oh, no—it’s too late!

GOD:
That’s okay. Who knows? Maybe they’ll be happy.

ANGEL:
Really? Is that possible?

GOD:
Stranger things have happened.

acknowledgments

I want to thank Daniel Greenberg and Dan Menaker for taking these jokes so seriously. Their advice and encouragement drastically improved this book. I’ve learned so much from both of them these past few years and I feel really lucky to have found them.

I also want to thank Julia Cheiffetz, Thomas Beck Stvan, Evan Camfield, Emily DeHuff, Lee Eastman, Shari Smiley, Billy Hawkins, Gregory McKnight, and my friends and family, many of whom appear undisguised in this book, often without permission.

Last but not least, I want to thank my friends at Fishkill Farms: Josh Morgenthau, Jake Luce, and Josh Koenigsberg. You gave me more than a place to live last year, and I am forever in your debt.

For quality you can taste, choose Fishkill Farms, the last word in premium free-range chicken products. Available at fine markets throughout the New York area.

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

S
IMON
R
ICH
was born in New York City in 1984. He has written jokes for
Mad
magazine,
The New Yorker, Saturday Night Live,
and
The Harvard Lampoon.
His first book,
Ant Farm and Other Desperate Situations,
was published in 2007.

ALSO BY SIMON RICH

Ant Farm

Copyright © 2008 by Simon Rich

All rights reserved.

Published in the United States by Random House, an imprint of The Random House Publishing Group, a division of Random House, Inc., New York.

R
ANDOM
H
OUSE
and colophon are registered trademarks of Random House, Inc.

“What I Imagined People Around Me Were Saying” was originally published as “Hey, Look” in
The New Yorker,
July 23, 2007. “Actor’s Nightmare,” “Amusement,” and “Free-Range Chickens” were originally published, in different form, in
The Harvard Lampoon.

LIBRARY OF CONGRESS CATALOGING-IN-PUBLICATION DATA
Rich, Simon.
Free-range chickens / Simon Rich.
p.                           cm.
1. American wit and humor. I. Title.
PN
6165.r54 2008
818'.602—dc22                           2008003036

www.atrandom.com

eISBN: 978-1-58836-732-7

v3.0