Free-Range Chickens (5 page)

The official rules of boxing

Here is a list of what is legal and illegal in boxing according to the official rules.

Hitting someone in the leg: illegal

Hitting a man in the ears, neck, and face as hard as you can, over and over again, for forty minutes straight: legal

Elbowing someone in the stomach: illegal

Hitting someone so hard in the head that part of his brain dies: legal

Grabbing someone’s gloves to stop him from hitting you in the face for a few seconds so you can take a breath and think things over like a reasonable person: illegal

Punching someone so hard in the eyes that blood shoots out of his eyes, ears, and mouth and he dies right there in the ring: legal

Wrapping your arms around your opponent to try to get him to stop murdering you for just a couple of seconds: illegal Hitting someone in the brain so hard, over and over again, that his brain stops working and he becomes unconscious. Then, the
second
he regains consciousness you start hitting him again, in the same part of the brain: legal

Biting someone’s ear: illegal

Hitting someone 150 times in the face in under half an hour: legal

Secret Service

In order to become a Secret Service agent, you need to fill out a lengthy job application describing your academic achievements, military background, and foreign language skills. Here is the secret service job application I would give out if
I
were ever elected president.

1) How wide is your body?

2) How tall is your body?

3) What is the total surface area of your body?

4) How
thick
is your body?

5) When you’re standing up, do you keep your arms pressed flush against your sides? Or are there little gaps between your arms and your body?

6) When you suffer a serious injury, do you instinctively fall to the ground? Or do you kind of rear back while remaining more or less upright?

7) Say, hypothetically, you were lying on top of me. Is your body constructed in such a way that it would cover up my body entirely? Or would there be little bits of my body that
weren’t
covered?

8) Would you describe yourself as having a “hero complex”?

9) Draw a diagram of your body, marking
exactly
how thick each part is.

Logic problems

I

One day, an old man called his three sons into his bedroom and told them he was close to death.

“I have decided to give you a test,” he said. “Whoever proves himself to be the wisest shall inherit my fortune.”

“Oh my God,” the eldest son said. “I had no idea you were sick.”

“Here is my test,” the old man said. “Go to the market and bring me back an item which is
small
enough to fit in my pocket but
large
enough to fill up my room. Whoever can do this will inherit my land.”

The middle son rubbed his father’s shoulder. “Dad, please, we can worry about all this stuff later. Let’s just enjoy these final moments together as a family.”

“The answer requires a leap of logic,” the father hinted.

“Dad, come on,” the eldest son said. “We’d be happy to split the money. There’s no need for this.”

“I have the solution,” the youngest son said. He was a little out of breath, because he had sprinted to the market and back.

“It’s a matchstick,” he said.

“That’s correct,” the father said. “It is small enough to fit in my pocket, but when I strike it, it fills the room with light. You are the wisest and you shall inherit my fortune.”

“What?” the eldest son said. “Dad, this is insane! How can you base such an important decision on something so trivial?”

But the father was already dead.

II

Three missionaries and three cannibals were standing on one side of a river.

“We have an interesting problem on our hands,” the first missionary said. “Our canoe only holds
two
passengers, and if the cannibals ever outnumber us on either side of the river, they’ll eat us. How can the
three
of us get across in the
fewest
number of trips?”

“We don’t have time for this!” the second missionary shouted frantically. “Let’s get in the canoe right now before the cannibals come at us!”

“There are only two seats,” the first missionary reminded him.

“Someone can sit in the middle!”

“I bet we can solve this problem using simple logic,” the first missionary said. “For instance, we know that the first trip must involve an even number of cannibals and missionaries. Otherwise, it would create an immediate imbalance.”

“Hold on,” the third missionary said. “Are you actually suggesting that we
collaborate
with the
cannibals?
”

“Here,” the first missionary said, passing them a piece of paper. “I have figured out the solution. Let
X
stand for cannibal, and
Y
for missionary.”

1. X and Y

2.
Y

3. X and X

4.
X

5. Y and Y

6.
X and Y

7. Y and Y

8.
X

9. X and X

10.
X

11. X and X

“I don’t care if it works on paper,” the second missionary said. “There’s no way in hell I’m going anywhere with any goddamn cannibals.”