Fresh (5 page)

The first thing we did was a fill-up and fuck-off at the petrol station in Kilsyth. Lesson number one Archie called it. Ye cannay run out of juice when the polis are on yer tail. We headed towards Falkirk. Good drivin roads Archie said. And maybe a wee country house with some trinkets for the boys. Sammy said he knew just the place and telt Archie to take the next right. And slow the fuck down, ye can hear the motor all the way to Edinburgh. We turned into a single-track lane and Archie turned the lights off. Lesson number two, surprise is our biggest weapon he said and turned round to look at me. Sammy said he’d been readin too many
Commando
comics. He drove for a few hundred yards and let the car glide to a stop outside a house. Sammy got out and went to the door. He gave it a good knock. Nobody answered. He waved and Archie pulled a pair of socks out of his pocket and telt me to wait in the car. Ah saw him pull the socks over his hands as he approached the house.

It was scary waitin in the car. Ah heard a window breakin and things crashin and every time a car passed on the main road Ah thought it was the polis. Eventually Archie and Sammy appeared from the side of the house carryin a bed sheet between them. They ran to the back
of the car and Ah felt the suspension go down with the weight of it. The boot slammed and they were in the car. They were gigglin like wee lassies. Archie drove with no lights till we got on the main road. Then he was off like Jackie Stewart again.

We went to a scheme in Falkirk and knocked on a door. A guy with a borstal dot answered. When he saw the bed sheet hangin between Archie and Sammy he looked up and down the street and telt us to come in. Who’s the wee fella? he said. His gold rings nipped my fingers when he shook my hand. He pointed to a bedroom and telt Archie to put that in there. Me and Sammy went into the livin room. Everybody was smokin and drinkin and talkin. Ah couldnay understand them coz of their accents. Ah stood in the corner and watched Sammy. He swigged out of a bottle of Irn Bru and pointed it at me. There wasnay much left so Ah said no.

We got twenty bar and a quarter of red leb for the stuff. Sammy made a joint and we drove down the main street with the radio blarin. We saw a copper and Sammy was goin no c’mon to fuck let’s get out of here. But Archie slowed the motor and rolled his window down. Excuse me mate he said. The polis came over to the window and bent down to look in. Archie spat on him and wheel-spinned away. Ah turned and saw the polis with his radio to his ear and his other hand rubbin his uniform with a hanky. Sammy was ragin. We’ll get a batterin if they catch us now he said. Archie laughed. Where’s yer sense of humour ya cunt? he said. Sammy looked out the window. Ah said nothin.

Archie pushed the throttle down and we roared out
of the toon. Fuckin shitehole we called it and gave the fingers to the Welcome to Falkirk Please Drive Carefully sign. We were comin into the country and Archie looked in the mirror. Don’t look behind ye Sean but the polis are up my arse. Ah couldnay resist a look but. There were two of them in an Austin Allegro. They drew quite close and Ah could see the passenger talkin on the radio. Sammy was tellin Archie how he knew this was goin to happen and he hoped Archie was satisfied with himself. Archie telt him to shut the fuck up. He kept at an even thirty. Ah gave the police motor the fingers. Their blue lights started flashin. Archie dropped a gear and we were off like Jackie Stewart.

The swervin motor knocked me flat on the back seat. All Ah could see was flashin lights and Sammy’s face as he tried to look out the back window. Then the car braked and Ah ended up on the floor. Ah nearly shat myself lyin there listenin to the tyres screech as we flew round corners. They’re still there the cunts said Archie. Sammy said put yer foot down for fuck sake. She’ll no go any faster said Archie. Ah could feel him push the front seat back as he squeezed on the throttle. He slowed the car down and said we’ll never get away from the cunts this way. Ah climbed back onto the back seat and saw him pass Sammy a beer tin. Sammy said what are ye doin? Shut up and do what yer telt. Sammy leaned out of the window and threw the beer tin straight through the coppers’ windscreen. Easy-fuckin-peasy said Archie as we drove off.

We thought it would be best to head towards Glesga. No the way we came though. Over the hills and through
the Carron valley. There’s never any polis up there. It’s like the Highlands said Sammy, single-track roads and people leavin their doors open at night. Archie’s eyes lit up at the thought of all them unlocked houses, but Sammy said we should try and get home before we get captured. Archie called him a big fuckin shitebag.

We stopped at one of them tourist viewpoints near the top of the hill. Sammy skinned another joint. They gave me a coupla puffs. No too much though, we cannay have the wee cunt spewin in the motor said Archie. When it was finished we sat quiet for a while. Ye could see the gas flares of Grangemouth on one side and the lights in the Glesga flats on the other. Then Archie made a fartin sound and we all burst out laughin.

He started the motor up and we had an easy drive along country roads goin in and out of pine forests. We thought about callin in to the Carron Bridge Hotel but there was a polis motor in the car park so we drove past. Somethin had gave the game away but coz the cunt was straight out after us. It was a Cortina. We wouldnay get away from that so easy. Archie tried his best. Ah hung on to the back of his seat. Sammy had his feet up against the dashboard. Every time we hit a corner Ah thought we were off into the blue flashin trees.

Then we came to a long straight bit up the side of the loch. Archie took the car up to seventy. He braked for an S-bend. The motor spun comin out the first corner. It was too much for him and we went into the second at the wrong angle. We hit the side of the road and the car went up, through a fence, hung in the air, then bang, fuck ye, right into a tree.

Ah came to in the hospital with my auntie Jessie holdin my hand goin he’s awake, he’s awake, my wee boy’s awake. Tears were runnin down her cheeks. Oh son what have they done to ye? My leg was broken in three places, Ah had cracked ribs and my collarbone was fractured. Archie was at the foot of the bed lookin sheepish. His face was covered in bruises and there was a buckle mark on his neck. My uncle Albert shook his head at my plastered leg. He turned round and growled at Archie. Ah telt ye they’d be consequences ya cunt. Archie said nothin.

Sammy and Archie got six months each in Glenochil. It turned out they’d been stealin cars for months. They’d screwed half a dozen houses on the scheme. They’d even broken into the post office and one of the dirty bastards had done a shite in the till. My auntie Jessie was mortified. She reckoned she could feel the neighbours starin at her every time she went to the shop. Talkin about them O’Gradys so they were.

Archie always said Glenochil made a man of him. Ye had to fight for everythin includin yer own body. Sammy was quiet when he came out. He wasnay as good a fighter as Archie. Ah was lucky. All Ah got was a warnin from the sheriff.

They turned off the dual-carriageway and before long they passed the Welcome to Falkirk sign. The traffic lights turned red and Sean braked. Albert snorted when
the slowing van jerked him out of his half sleep. It was pretty busy but then it was nine in the morning. They pulled away from the lights and along a tree-lined street that had glimpses of big houses in the background.

Ah wouldnay mind stayin here.

Ah wouldnay mind the money it cost to stay here. The van stuttered into the town. They stopped at a set of lights and it stalled. It took a few turns of the starter before it came back to life. By that time people were peeping their horns. Sean gave them the fingers and nearly stalled the van again as he drove away.

Fuckin heap of shite.

Ah telt ye.

They eventually made it through the town centre. Albert pointed at a sign for the industrial estate.

That’s it there.

Ah know.

Ah’m just sayin.

They pulled up at red and black barrier stretched across a gap in a barbed wire fence. Sean gave the horn a peep. An old guy came out of a hut and lifted up the barrier. Sean drove the van into the yard and reversed it up to the loading bay.

A man in a white coat came out and looked at the chitty.

Aye they’re always fuckin these orders up.

White coat nodded to a door and walked through it.

C’mon then.

Albert and Sean got out the van and went into the bay. They followed the guy through the door and saw the delivery. Rolls and rolls of shrink-wrap piled
against a wall. The guy in the white coat pointed at them.

There ye go. That’s yer order there. Gie’s a shout when yer ready.

Where are ye goin?

Ah’ve got work to do.

Are ye no helpin us to load it?

White coat laughed.

Am Ah fuck.

What about a cup of tea then?

Ah’ll send one out in a wee while.

Sean and Albert looked at each other. Then Sean opened the van up and pulled the scaffold bar out the back. He put it through the middle of a roll of wrap and Albert grabbed the other end. They lifted the roll into the van. Sean went in first because that is the hardest part and Albert’s old. He banged his head on the roof of the van.

Ya fuckin bastard. This is awkward as fuck.

It only took them ten minutes to load up the rolls of wrap. Then white coat appeared with the cups of tea.

Milk and two sugars?

Magic.

They took the cups and sat on the back step of the van. A fag each and they were well relaxed. The tea was hot. The steam off it made Sean’s nose run. He sniffed and pulled up a mouthful of snot and spat it in the yard. Albert grimaced.

That’s fuckin charmin.

Sean laughed and wiped his nose with his sleeve.

Sorry.

Sean held his cup with his two hands. The heat was lovely. He nudged Albert.

Remember the last time Ah was in Falkirk?

Albert laughed.

Ya pair of wee bastards.

Ah, we were only boys.

At least one of ye grew out of that carry on.

Sean nodded and stood up.

Aye Ah know.

He reached for Albert’s mug.

Are ye finished?

Albert took a last swig and gave Sean the mug. Sean walked into the loading bay.

There’s yer mugs he shouted.

White coat came out and took them.

Hang on.

He went back in and appeared with another chitty.

Sign this.

Sean signed and white coat tore him the top copy.

Cheers pal.

The van started first time and they drove out of the yard. It was best to go a bit slower because it jumped about on the corners with all the weight in the back.

Ah’ll take it easy on the way back.

Albert put his feet back on the dashboard and pulled his cap down over his eyes.

Good idea son.

Sean shook his head and smiled.

And Ah’ll go and see Sammy as soon as we get there.

Albert mumbled something Sean couldn’t hear.

It was alright at home while Archie was in Glenochil coz Ah had a bed to myself for a while. The first thing Ah done was ask my uncle if Gambo could come round for his dinner and stay the night. My auntie Jessie put on a bit of a spread. There was pieces on corned beef, ham and cheese. Irn Bru and crisps and they wee sausages ye get at parties. And some pickled onions. Gambo couldnay believe his luck. His da was a bit of a waster so they didnay get luxuries like that in their house.

Between stuffin his gub and swallowin he didnay have much breath for talkin but he managed that as well. My auntie Jessie was impressed with what he had to say. She thought he was a clever wee laddie and Ah should take a leaf out of his book.

Then he telt them about the bible classes. My uncle Albert nearly sprayed his dinner on the table. He kept nudgin me and noddin at Gambo as if he was some sort of idiot. He telt us the churches were only interested in how much money they could screw out of the poor. But my auntie was impressed. She couldnay see anythin wrong with youngsters takin an interest in the bible. And anyway we shouldnay be sniggerin at the
poor boy’s beliefs. My uncle shut up at that. But every time he looked out the window Ah knew he was tryin no to laugh.

Then Gambo got onto the trip the bible class was organisin. The train down to Ayr to stay in an old country house for a week. My uncle said it sounded pretty grand and it would be nice for me to go. But no doubt it would cost a fuckin packet so never mind son. He gied me his tight-lipped smile. Then Gambo played his ace. But the trip only costs two pound Mr O’Grady, the bible class are stumpin up the other tenner.

That would be good for the boy. Broaden his horizons said my auntie. My uncle looked at her. Aye it would he said. But they’d only fill his head with that Christian shite. He’d come back thinkin he was a martyr for the cause and we’d get tutted every time we swore. Ah shook my head and promised Ah wouldnay let them brainwash me. Albert nodded and telt Gambo to get an application.

On the day of the trip we all had to meet down Central Station. Ah saw my uncle talkin to one of the leaders from the bible class. The guy looked a bit red in the face and Ah hoped he wasnay gettin threatened. Then the whistle blew and we climbed onto the train. A last wave to the relatives and we were off.

The scenery was nice on the way. Green fields and sheep and cows. The leaders got us to sing songs and play stupid card games. One of them telt us that every time we flushed the toilet it ended up on the track.

When we got to Ayr it was a minibus that took us up to the country house. That was where my trouble
started. Some guy behind us in a flash motor gied me a wave. Ah gied him the fingers. Gambo was eggin me on so Ah kept it up. Eventually the guy managed to overtake but the rotten old bastard stopped the van and telt one of the leaders. The leader was well embarrassed. He pulled me aside when we got to the house. Telt me he’d saw my sort before and if Ah gied him any bother Ah’d get a hard kick up the arse. And if that wasnay enough to warn me, there would be no puddin after my dinner.

The next day they gied us a map each and a push- bike and telt us to meet up in some cafe in the toon. It was alright coz Ah jumped in there quick and didnay get lumbered with a lassie’s bike. Or a shopper. Me and Gambo managed to get teamed up the gether so we went for a wander in the country. We found a stream and it was that warm we thought we’d have a swim. There was clegs everywhere and Ah got bit to fuck but it was worth it. Before we left we had a shite in the water and watched them float away downstream. Mine was a bit lighter than Gambo’s. Probably coz Ah’d missed out on the chocolate puddin.

The toon was a quiet wee place. The first shop we went into had one old woman workin in it. Gambo asked her if he could look at a tartan doll on a shelf behind the counter. As soon as her back was turned Ah grabbed a coupla ornaments. One of them was this wee brass cannon with a coat of arms on it and Ayrshire in fancy writin. My auntie was well pleased and telt me Ah should have spent my money on myself. Ah gied the other one to Gambo for his ma. He said she put it
straight on the mantelpiece and telt all the neighbours it was a present from her boy.

We got to the cafe about an hour after everybody else and the leader gied me a load more shite. Said Ah was thick as well as cheeky. Ah thought fuck him coz Ah knew Ah wasnay goin to spend my life leadin a bunch of weans round the country. And it didnay get much better. Ah accidentally threw a snooker ball through the livin room window that night so Ah didnay get any puddin again.

Then after dinner they gathered us all into a room and telt us about the path to Christ. It was a long hard road with cunts giein ye grief and that. But it was worth it in the end when ye were relaxin in the arms of baby Jesus. The road to hell was easy. Just like a motorway and as fast. Satan would help ye get through this life but when it came to the big sleep ye were in for an eternity of hellfire and hot pokers up the arse. The leaders even made it more realistic with a picture of a mountain with a tight wee path on it and a cliff with a big fire at the bottom.

Ah was half convinced so Ah asked the leader how did Ah take the path to Jesus. His eyes lit up and he said he was sorry he was hard on me but it was coz he knew Ah had the potential to hold the spirit of the lord. But Ah had a strong will that needed to be broke for my own good. Ah believed the cunt. He telt me to ask Jesus to come into my heart when Ah was in bed that night.

On the way back to the dorm Gambo could hardy walk for laughin. He pointed at me and called me a teacher’s pet and a fuckin idiot. The only thing God
was good for was Christmas. And even that wasnay all that good. We got into our beds and Ah waited till the lights went out and Gambo had stopped sniggerin.

Please Jesus, Ah said, come into my heart and save me from evil. Ah could hear a wee whisper and for a minute Ah thought Ah was saved. But it was Gambo. The cunt burst out laughin and telt me Ah was a fuckin poof and wait till we got home and he telt everybody about it. Ah telt him to shut his fuckin mouth and we ended up havin a fight. A leader appeared and split us up. Ah telt him Gambo was takin the piss out of me and the leader went daft. Gambo never got any puddin the next night.

Ah hated fallin out with Gambo. He spent the rest of the holiday knockin about with some guy from Paisley. The two of them made suckin noises every time they passed me in the corridor.

Ah was a Christian till the train got halfway back to the toon. The magic started to wear off by then. Ah looked at Gambo and he would tut and look out of the window. Ah went and sat next to him anyway. Ah offered him a sweetie Ah’d saved from the shops in Ayr. He took it and Ah telt him Ah was sorry for bein a Christian. He said he was sorry for takin the piss out of me. Ah telt him Ah would pack in the bible thumpin if he would promise no to tell anybody about it. Especially my uncle or Archie. Gambo clattered the sweetie round his mouth and promised.

Sean drove into the yard at the back of the factory. He gave the horn a long peep. Albert snorted.

What? Ah’ll be there in a minute.

He looked at Sean and smiled. His fist came to his mouth as he yawned. Then he stretched and scraped his fingers along the roof of the van.

Back in one piece then?

Ha fuckin ha. Had a good sleep?

Albert smacked his lips.

Aye lovely.

George came out and waved.

My saviours have returned.

Sean rolled the window down.

Where d’ye want them rolls?

George smiled.

Never mind them. Yous two take yerselves down the canteen for a cup of tea.

He looked at his watch.

Have another ten minutes then send the white caps to see me.

George disappeared back into the factory. Albert looked at Sean and winked.

Telt ye.

Sean clicked the lock on his door and climbed out. He cracked his knuckles and had a wee stretch as he walked to the entrance. George came back out with a couple of men. He told them to take the wrap down to Packing.

Sean walked up to George.

Can Ah have a word?

George turned to Sean.

Aye pal.

Ah’ve got a wee bit of business to sort out. Is it alright if Ah do it now?

George turned to Albert.

Have yer tea Albert and send one of the boys back when yer finished. Leave the other one till Sean gets back.

Cheers George. Yer a star.

No bother son. One good turn deserves another.

The paperwork’s in the van.

Alright. Away and get yer tea.

George turned to the men.

Right come on boys get that van unloaded. Albert and Sean walked into the factory. They got to the corridor next to Fresh and Albert went to the canteen. He called over his shoulder.

Mind in get me two pouches of Golden Virginia.

Aye alright.

Sean swaggered down the corridor and pushed through the doors into Fresh. He walked down the side of a conveyor belt and said hello to the women as he passed them. They trussed chickens with the casualness of grannies putting on nappies. Sean half expected to see a cloud of baby powder or to hear one of them making pigeon sounds while she tickled a chicken’s breast. But he never, all he saw was chicken after chicken having its legs tied up and laid on a polystyrene tray on a conveyor belt. Head first they disappeared into a machine that wrapped them in cling film. Then they were weighed and labelled with a price and an idea for a recipe from the South of France or India or Mexico.

Crates and crates of them were stacked on pallets and dragged by human donkeys to Rab, who loaded them onto refrigerated trucks.

When Sean got to the edge of Fresh and into Packing he caught sight of Rab disappearing into his hut. Sean walked over and looked inside. Rab had his feet on a desk and was flicking through a magazine.

Alright wee man?

Rab took his feet off the desk.

Alright pal?

Sean leaned against the door jamb of the shed.

Aye magic. What are ye up to?

Nothin but load chickens.

Sean nodded at the magazine.

Aye and what else?

It’s my only vice.

Aye apart from beer, hash and fags.

Rab opened the magazine to the centre spread.

But look at this thing.

She’s no bad. Nice tits.

Check out the Cornish pasty.

Sean nodded like a wine connoisseur.

Lovely.

Rab’s eyes sparkled.

Imagine havin a bird like that. Ye’d never come to work.

Ye’d have to come to work to be able to afford it.

No. Ye could live off her earnins.

Ah suppose yer right.

Sean pushed himself off the door jamb.

Anyway, have ye seen Sammy?

Rab pointed a thumb over his shoulder.

He’s in Frozen.

Sean left Packing and took the short cut through Portions. It was mainly men worked in here. Men with sharp knives and chain-mail gloves grabbed chickens and cut them into individual portions. You go into the supermarket and you think how considerate, they have chopped a chicken into portions. How much easier is this for mum? She can count the number of her dinner guests and simply retrieve the required number of portions from her freezer. She can lay these in the bottom of a casserole dish, cover with a can of a chicken sauce mix like coq-au-vin, and bake for a couple of hours. This leaves her time to clean the house, have a bath, do her hair and get her make-up on before the arrival of the guests.

The portions are not done for the convenience of the housewife. Plenty of poultry in the factory farming world come down with ulcers, abscesses, gangrene and wounds caused by fighting each other for space in a cramped barn. Nobody would buy a chicken that had a fucking great abscess on one breast but they would buy its legs, wings, and its other breast. Or products made from the flesh scraped off its carcass.

Sean didn’t like it in Portions. It smelled worse than anywhere in the factory. He tried not to look at the waste bins full of amputated flesh. He couldn’t help it though. He always felt his eyes being drawn to them and his throat clicking in readiness for the dry retch when he catches sight of a particularly gruesome cyst. He’d hate to work here again. One Christmas he’d
worked here for a week. It had fucked up his Christmas dinner. He couldn’t eat the turkey. All he could see was pus from a volcanic mound with a deep hole in the centre.

And the smell of rotten meat. He was off his chicken for six months. It wasn’t till he was drunk one night and had a Kentucky that he realised he could eat chicken again. But he’d never work here again, that’s for sure.

He grabbed his gloves tightly, and eyes front, back erect, left, left, left-right-left, he went through the plastic curtains and was in the clean air of the corridor outside Frozen.