From Ashes (25 page)

Before I could question that, my back was against the wall again and his lips were on mine. A muffled high-pitched groan left me. Connor’s lips were firm and soft all at once, and as they began to move against mine another moan left me at the realization that this ridiculously handsome man could
kiss.
But he wasn’t Gage. Just as I’d started to push against his chest, he pulled slightly back and his pale blue eyes bounced back and forth between mine.

“Connor, I have a boyfriend,” I blurted out.

He blinked quickly and pulled farther back. “You have a boyfriend.”

“Yeah, in Texas. It’s Tyler’s cousin.”

“Where is he?”

“In Texas,” I said slowly, making sure he heard me, since apparently he hadn’t the first time.

Connor shook his head like I wasn’t getting it. “Cassidy, does he know about your past?” He still hadn’t released his hold on me, but thankfully he wasn’t so close that I was worried he was about to kiss me again.

“He’s known since the day I met him; that’s the person Tyler told.”

“Right.” Connor nodded and stepped closer. “Then tell me why the hell he isn’t here with you now. If you were my girl, no way would I let you walk into your personal hell without me right there beside you.”

“He doesn’t even know why I’m here though, I just left.”

That crooked smile was back and he leaned in, kissing me harder this time, letting his lean, muscled body press against me. “You aren’t helping your argument,” he whispered against my lips.

“I don’t understand,” I whispered back, “I thought you were just doing this to get answers about the fire and that night the police were called.”

“No, Cassidy. I told you I have thought about you every minute since I left you that first day and I have been thinking of ways to see you. But seeing as you didn’t give me your number, I thought it would be a little much to just show up unannounced. You’re incredibly beautiful, Cassidy—God, you’re so beautiful. Even when you’d had no sleep and had a black eye, I had to continuously remind myself to not just sit there and stare at you. And I didn’t realize who you were until the last time we came to visit; the way you opened the door and looked up at me was what finally brought that night back to me.”

“Connor—”

“Today, I swear to you I thought I was seeing things, because that’s how bad I wanted to see you again. And you looked so different,” he mumbled as he ran a hand through my hair. “No matter what you do, you look amazing. And then you tell me about your past, one that makes mine look like I spent it at Disneyland, and you say we didn’t deserve what happened to us, and neither did your mom. Your mother, who did all of those things to you for all those years. And you cried for the woman she was before, and who she was when she died. Cassidy, I gotta tell you, I thought your beauty was only skin-deep when I saw you the morning of the fire, when I figured out your past. I thought you were wasting it when I thought you were in an abusive relationship. Now, after today, God, I know your beauty goes straight through to your soul. It’s rare to find someone like you, and until a few minutes ago I hadn’t realized I’d been looking for someone just like you. Someone who understands my past, someone with your heart; and as an added bonus, you don’t let people intimidate you, and by ‘people’ I mean me and Sanders.” He smiled crookedly. “And I just know the more I get to know you, the more I’m gonna find that I like.”

My heart was pounding in my chest and I couldn’t stop looking into his smiling blue eyes. The butterflies in my stomach intensified and I knew I was in trouble. “Connor,” I murmured around his mouth, which was on mine again, “I’m in love with Gage. I’m going to marry him.”

“Are you engaged?” He leaned back suddenly.

“No, but we both know we’re going to get married. We talk about it often.”
Or at least I
think
about it often.

“Then why wouldn’t you tell him where you were going, especially when it’s something like this? Have you even talked to him since you’ve been here?”

I bit the corner of my bottom lip and looked to the side. When he smirked again I couldn’t stop myself from saying, “He’s the reason I had the black eye.”

Connor’s body went solid and his face fell.

“But it’s not like you think, it’s exactly how Tyler and I told you. There was this huge fight, and I saw Gage in the middle of it and I freaked. I hate violence, and I couldn’t stand to see him hitting his friend. I wanted to yell at him to stop. Thinking about it now, I doubt it would’ve done any good anyway. All the guys were yelling at each other, girlfriends were shrieking at their boyfriends to stop, and the music was playing. But I tried to yell, I just couldn’t get my voice to work. So I didn’t think, I just ran in and tried to pull him off. He wasn’t facing me and didn’t know it was me. I’d been in the other room and as far as he knew I was just another guy getting ready to fight him. He flung his elbow back and turned around to throw a punch and that’s when he saw me. It killed him, knowing he did that to me, but all I could see was the look on his face and my past came rushing back to me. Now that’s
all
I can see when I look at or think about him. Tyler called to tell me about the house just a few hours later. So I did what I do best: I left.”

Connor’s arms dropped and understanding covered his face.

“I
am
in love with Gage. I just need to figure out how to not see that look on his face every time I look at him from here on out. Until then, I know he’ll just continue to torture himself knowing he hurt me that way.”

“Talk, Cassidy.”

“Um . . . I am talking . . .”

He shook his head. “That’s exactly what I meant about needing to talk about your past, and now that letter. If you keep it inside, they’ll remain demons for you the exact way your mom had her own demons. Those demons will take away every happy thing in your life. You need to talk about it. If you don’t, you’ll always see your boyfriend the way you saw him during the fight.” Connor blew out a deep breath and ran a hand over his face. “Shit,” he mumbled, “all right, I get it, you love him.” He handed the envelope back to me and pulled me into his arms. “You want to marry Gage, Gage should be the one you talk to. You need someone who understands what you went through, you have my card. And I’ll behave from now on.” He grinned at me and kissed my forehead and left his lips there as he spoke. “Unless you’re single. Then it’s fair game and I’m fighting for my turn next.”

I laughed and pushed him back, noting that I hated the loss of his arms around me. And hating that I hated that.

“That letter, Cass? Don’t let it get to you. Like I said, she had demons and that’s how she thought she needed to take care of them. You’re beautiful inside and out, so I know you’ll be able to find the beauty in what your mother thought she was doing for you. She thought she was giving you a new life, Cassidy. Don’t let them ruin this one too.”

My heart swelled and my vision blurred.

“Would it be too much to ask if you wanted to finish your coffee with me? You have a boyfriend, I already got that, but that doesn’t mean I don’t want to spend time with you.” Connor wiped a tear from my cheek and took a step toward the side door.

With my history of feelings for this man, and how my stomach fluttered and heart picked up its pace when he looked at me, it was probably not the best idea. But as long as he kept to himself, then having someone like Connor to talk to would be a godsend. “I guess it’s good I have a lot of free time then.”

He gave me a full-blown blinding smile and my heart stopped; my arms and lips tingled. Yeah—this was a bad idea.

Chapter Fifteen

G
AGE

L
OOKING AROUND AT
my family, I couldn’t help but notice someone was missing. It’d been two weeks. Two. Weeks. And not one word from Cassidy.

“Anything?” I asked Tyler, even though I already knew the answer.

“No, man, I’m sorry. Called Mom before the ceremony; she was asleep in the guest room.”

I nodded and tried to swallow past the lump in my throat. I’d just graduated and we were now out to lunch, but I couldn’t even attempt to smile or be happy about it. My entire world was in freakin’ California and not talking to me. My family had come out yesterday, so they all knew what happened with her, and it was safe to say no one looked particularly thrilled right now. Amanda, Nikki, and Emily were pissed because they thought it was all my fault, which it was. Emily reasoned in her little princess voice that if I hadn’t been a mean boyfriend and hurt Cassi she wouldn’t have run away. I’d thought Cassidy had taken my heart with her; I was wrong. Because my baby sister definitely let me know I still had it when she helped break it a little more. Mom and Dad just looked worried, whether for Cassidy or myself, I didn’t know. Needless to say, things were strained right now.

“We really are so proud of you, son,” my mom said with a pained smile.

“Yeah, congrats, Gage,” the three girls mumbled at the same time.

I glanced at Tyler anxiously and he just shook his head and leaned in close. “She’s not calling me or answering my calls either. But Mom and Dad are watching her. I don’t know what happened but Mom said she looks a lot better all of a sudden and she’s been gone from the house a lot. It shouldn’t be long, Gage, she’ll come back.” He clapped my shoulder and leaned back in his chair.

The weird thing about all this was it brought me and Ty together again. Like he said he would, he’d kept me updated. He’d texted me every day he was in California and came to my house the minute he got back in Texas to tell me everything he hadn’t been able to say through texts. During this last week, he’d continued to give me every update his mom and dad gave him, and we’d actually spent time just catching up while he helped me pack up the house. I’d made Tyler pack up Cassidy’s things; I couldn’t stand seeing them untouched. For once, he actually wanted Cass and me to be together, but I was beginning to think it was too late.

“So you graduated college, what are you gonna do now?” Dad asked as he leaned back in his chair.

“What do you mean? I’m going back to the ranch.” Not like this was news. That had been the plan my entire life; that’s why he’d helped me build my house on the ranch. The house I’d finished last Christmas, with Cassidy still in mind even though she had been with Tyler.

Dad just nodded and wiped food from his lips and massive mustache. “You can do that, if you want.”

“If I want,” I deadpanned.

“Think it’s safe to say I’m speaking for the whole family: we’d rather you go to California and bring home our girl first.”

Four sets of female eyes snapped to my face and brightened.

“Dad, she left. Again.” I tried once more to clear that lump out of my throat and barely got the next words out. “It’s over.” Pain worse than I’d ever felt seared through my chest as I realized the truth of those two words.

“Doesn’t look like it from where I’m sitting,” he said, and played with his knife. “Now, almost everything from your place is already in the trucks. We’ll finish and take it all to the ranch. It’ll be there by the time you bring her back to Texas.”

Tyler had his phone out and to his ear. “Mom, is she—yeah, he did. I’ll tell him.” He turned to look at me. “She said congratulations.” When I nodded he put the phone back to his ear and said, “He said thanks. Is Cassi still there? All right, thanks. Yeah, love you too. Bye.” After setting his phone on the table he looked at me. “She ran out to get some coffee.”

“I could hear her.”

“Gage, you might as well go to her,” Tyler continued. “It’s been long enough and she needs you just as much as you need her.”

Before I realized what he was doing, my dad threw a credit card down in front of me. “Give me the keys to your place. Like I said, it’ll all be at the ranch by the time you get back. Now get gone.”

I fumbled with my key ring, my hands shaking so bad I wanted to toss the whole thing at him, but I still needed my truck keys to drive. When I finally got the house key off, I kissed the girls on their cheeks and ran out of the restaurant. This was it. This was the last time I could put myself out there for her. If she turned from me when I got there, it would be over. I would always love her; she would always be the girl I was supposed to spend the rest of my life with. But there are only so many times you can handle heartbreak with someone before you have to start protecting yourself.

I was at the airport in no time, but the only nonstop flight had
just
left, and the earliest they could get me there with the different connecting flights was seven hours. At least it was faster than driving. Handing over the card without a second’s hesitation, I paid for the ticket. I got strange looks from the woman at the ticket counter and the TSA agents when they realized I didn’t have a bag, but I didn’t care. I just needed to get Cassidy.

C
ASSIDY

C
ONNOR OPENED THE
door as soon as I started knocking. “Hey, everything okay? Don’t get me wrong, I’m glad you called, but I was surprised you wanted to . . . come . . . over . . . holy shit.” He breathed the last words and his pale blue eyes slowly danced over my body before coming up to meet my gaze. “Cassidy, you look amazing.”

I looked down at my light purple threadbare racer-back tank and tiny black shorts. “Oh, um, thank you.” I knew how he felt. He was wearing a pair of gray slacks and a black button-up shirt with a gray tie. The tie had been loosened quite a bit, the top two buttons of his shirt undone, and his sleeves were rolled up to his forearms. He looked delicious. “Can I come in?”

“Yeah, of course.”

Connor and I had ended up talking at the coffeehouse for hours that Wednesday, and though I hadn’t seen him since then, we’d talked and texted every day. Sometimes about our pasts, sometimes about my fears with Gage, his fears that he’d never find a woman who understood his past, and other times just to get to know everything about each other. I’d never been able to talk to anyone like I could talk to Connor. I’d thought I could talk to Tyler and Gage about anything, but after meeting Connor I realized there was something about our sharing our past that brought us together on a level I would never have with either of them. There was something about it that was just . . . nice, and wanted.

He opened the door to his apartment wider to let me through, then shut and locked it behind us. “So what’s going on?”

“Are you going to work? Or am I interrupting something?”

He huffed a laugh and grinned crookedly. “No, I just got home after being on for thirty-six hours.”

“Oh my God, Connor! You need to go to sleep, you shouldn’t have let me come over.” I started toward the door. “Wait, thirty-six hours? Why were you talking to me? You should have been working. Was I keeping you from your job?”

His smile softened and his pale blue eyes seemed to dance as he took a step toward me and wrapped me in his arms, pressing his forehead to mine. “I only talked to you when I had free time. You didn’t interfere. I got the confession I needed, and we told the family this morning that the killer was caught.” I inhaled audibly and his hand came up to brush my cheek. “You, Cassidy, could never be a bad distraction. When we had a minute, you were there for me to talk to; when we took breaks to eat or drink coffee, you were there. When I felt like I needed to take a step back from the case to clear my head, then go back in fresh, you were there. Now I’m home, and you’re here. Honestly, I can’t remember a time in my life when I was as happy as I’ve been since this last Wednesday.”

My heart was pounding and the butterflies in my stomach were full force, which I was starting to think was the norm when it came to Connor. I let my fingers brush under his eyes, having just noticed the dark circles there. “You need to sleep, Connor,” I whispered.

“I will.” His lips brushed against my wrist and I actually had to force down a whimper. “Is it okay if I change?”

I leaned away from him. “How long have you been home?”

He pulled me back and rested his forehead against mine again. “Long enough to take my jacket off.”

“Connor—”

“Cass, seriously.” He chuckled and lifted his head, only to press his body closer to mine. “When you called twenty minutes ago, I floored it to get home because I knew you were going to be right behind me.” His deep voice dropped even lower when he continued. “I wish I could come back to this every time.”

My breaths started coming quicker and my eyes dropped to his lips before I could force them down to the knot in his tie. How was it possible to be so completely in love with someone but have this kind of a connection and chemistry with someone else at the same time? I’d felt this connection the moment I’d first seen him almost four years ago, but I hadn’t had Gage at that time. To have it come back instantly while with Gage was incredibly confusing. I don’t know when my hands had dropped to his neck, but I slid them to his tie and focused on undoing the knot and slowly sliding it off. Connor didn’t move once, he just continued to stare at me. I looked down at the tie in my hands, then over to the dining room table, where his jacket sat on one of the chairs. He released me and walked over to the table with me right behind him. I laid the tie on top of the jacket as he started taking things off his belt and putting them on the table. Handcuffs, badge, phone, gun.

“Do you have a minute?” he asked as he began unbuttoning his black shirt. All I could do was nod as he shrugged it off. “Can I go take a shower first?”

“S-sure,” I stuttered when my eyes snapped back to his.

His hand trailed down my arm to squeeze my hand before he grabbed the shirt, coat, and tie with one hand and turned away. Before he was out of my line of sight, his other hand caught the back of his undershirt’s collar and he pulled it over his head, revealing his lean, muscled back and arms. And I had no doubt he did that on purpose.

Connor was back five or so minutes later, hair dark and messy from the shower, a gray fitted shirt and another pair of faded jeans on that I would bet were made just for him. “You want coffee?” When I shook my head, he leaned against a side wall smiling at me. “So what’s brought you here?”

I twisted my dad’s ring nervously and bit my lip to try to hide my grin but failed. “I want to show you something.” I’d straightened my hair and thrown it up in a high ponytail so you could see the exposed part of my back easily, and with the loose, thin material of the shirt, it wouldn’t be hard to move it out of the way to show the entire thing. With another smile toward Connor, I turned so my back was facing him, then looked over my shoulder at him to see his reaction.

The day after coffee with Connor, I’d gone to get a tattoo of a phoenix starting at the top of my right shoulder, covering part of my shoulder blade, and going toward the center of my back and ending at my waist. It had taken forever, but it was colorful and beautiful. I loved it; it wasn’t just to honor my dad, it was a way to always remind me of my mom’s sacrifice. She may have been thirteen years too late, and it may have been something I would have tried so hard to stop her from doing, but it’s what she needed to do for herself and for me. It was the only gift she thought she could give me, and in some sick, twisted way, I understood.

“A phoenix?” His lips twitched up at the corners and he took the few steps up to me to move the piece of material going down the middle of my back. “Damn, this is
really
good,” he said softly, and trailed a finger down my shoulder blade.

Goose bumps and a shiver spread over my body and I watched as his pale blue eyes darkened as they locked with mine. “You’re going to have to forgive me, Cassidy.”

In a move so fast I could hardly comprehend it, he turned my body so I was facing him, lifted me so my legs were around his waist, and had my back against the entryway wall, his mouth on mine and moving aggressively. The tip of his tongue lightly traced my bottom lip and I shivered again.

My mouth opened for him, and we both moaned when our tongues touched. My body was at war with itself. I was hating myself and craving Gage but enjoying this strange connection with Connor.

“Connor, stop,” I said breathlessly. One hand was grabbing a fistful of his wet hair, the other had his shirt clenched in it. Forcing both of them to relax their hold, I repeated myself even though he had stopped and currently had his forehead against my collarbone. “Stop.”

Connor was just as breathless from the quick but aggressive kiss. “If this guy doesn’t realize what he has, promise me you’ll come back, Cassidy.”

“What makes you so sure I’d want you too?”

He looked up and grinned mischievously. “One, you think I’m annoyingly attractive and admitted to dreaming about me. Two, you got goose bumps the second I touched you”—his eyes shifted down for a second to look at my arm, then came back to meet mine—“and still have them. And three, even though you fight it when we kiss because of your boyfriend, those high-pitched noises that come out of your throat when our lips meet and the way your body instantly reacts to mine says it all.”

My chest was heaving up and down quickly; I knew he was right and was thoroughly embarrassed and feeling guilty about it. “I think you should put me down.”

“You’re about to walk out of my life, so when you promise that you’ll come back to me if you and Gage don’t work out, I will.”

“I’m nineteen,” I blurted out.

He chuckled. “And I just turned twenty-five. Your point?”

“You’re only twenty-five? But you’re—you’re a detective. I thought you were close to thirty.”

“Do I look thirty?”

“Well, no.” I felt my cheeks redden and I looked to the side. “I just figured you had to be older to be a detective.”