From This Day Forward (13 page)

But he knew that he could not plumb her depths without opening himself up to her scrutiny of his past, and he would not allow it, not even if it meant losing her forever.

"What did you say?" he asked, aware that she had spoken.

"I asked how the work was coming on the dam."

She was deliberately turning the subject away from the copious bounty her medical skills had earned, but he decided to allow it—for now.

"Slowly," he said.

"I treated two more injuries today," she told him.

"I'm aware of that." Did she think he didn't even know what happened with his own men?

"They were both careless accidents." She moved to sit on the settee, taking great care in arranging herself before pulling a fan of colorful toucan feathers out of nowhere and proceeding to fan herself.

Another gift, no doubt, he thought with a scowl. The generosity and gratitude of his people were fast approaching the ridiculous. It was almost embarrassing, the bounty they had bestowed upon her. As if reading his thoughts, she drew the feathers of the fan together, running them through her hand, her mouth set in a stubborn line, though she did have the grace to appear at least a little chagrined.

"The men are tired," she said, her eyes sincere as she leaned toward him like an advocate pleading her cause. "And so are you. When's the last time you got a good night's sleep?"

"As I recall, it must have been the spring of 1870," he said caustically. What did she know about him or his men? The running of the
fazenda
was none of her business.

"I'm serious, Jason. You're pushing them and yourself too hard."

"I can't imagine that either of my men would have complained to you." He struggled to keep his temper in check. She was intruding into matters that didn't concern her; he didn't appreciate her interference in the least.

"Of course not," she said defensively, as if he'd accused her of something.

"So, in addition to being a healer of the sick, you are also gifted with second sight?"

Her chin went up and her jaw tightened and he knew he'd managed to sting her.

"Or are you speaking from your vast storehouse of knowledge about running a coffee
fazenda
?" he went on, intentionally spurring her to anger. An angry Caroline was much easier to manage than a beguiling Caroline. "Yes, let's see, you've been here, what, nineteen days? That should be quite long enough for someone with your natural talents to develop into quite an expert."

Her face reddened, and she swept the fan open again. "No, I haven't been here long, and I don't know all there is to know about growing coffee, but I have eyes. I can see what you're doing."

"I am trying to reinforce a levee so that no more lives will be lost needlessly." It was on the tip of his tongue to explain that the mud slide was just a harbinger of things to come. The rainy season would begin in a few months and there would be more slides if he didn't shore up the dam. But he didn't owe her an explanation. He didn't owe her anything.

"You blame yourself for Ernesto's death. You disappeared for two days after the funeral, and since you've been back, you've been like a demon. You're not God, Jason. You can't control the river or command the elements or—"

"Thank you for your insights," he said harshly, cutting across her words. "This plantation did quite well before you got here and it will continue to thrive after you're gone. Have you started packing yet?"

Her poise crumbled and her face became a blank mask of hurt. Pain twisted like a knife in Jason's chest, but he would not relent. He could not.

"No," she said tautly, unable to meet his gaze. "I... I don't have that much. It's another two weeks before the mail boat is scheduled to return. I'll be ready."

It was a moment before Jason could find his voice. She should be glad to leave him; he wanted her to be glad. At least, that was what he told himself. He didn't want to hurt her, just to keep her at arm's length. In fact, that was the reason he was sending her back. He didn't want to hurt her.

"You shouldn't encourage them." He spoke softly, as if by doing so he could ease the hurt he had caused without losing the advantage he had gained. "They will get used to running to you and you're not going to be here much longer."

"You're right of course," she said, regaining some of her equilibrium. He found himself admiring her strength. "Excuse me. I seem to have a headache. I think I'll lie down for a while."

"But lunch..." Ines said from the door, her eyes narrowing at Jason.

Caroline gazed from Ines to Jason and back to Ines, opening her mouth as if she would speak. Instead, she turned and fled, the sound of her bare feet hollow on the hard floor.

Jason turned toward the dining room and Ines's cold, accusing glare, and he wondered how much she had overheard. "Don't say it, Ines, I'm warning you. Just bring me my lunch."

He sat in his customary place at the table, and Ines quickly brought his plate, which she slammed down on the table with enough force to rattle his water glass.

"What the hell's the matter with you?" he asked.

"Foolish man," Ines muttered, "don't know what's good for him. Maybe you choke on your lunch!"

Jason ignored her, forcing the image of Caroline's wounded expression from his mind. He took a bite of white fish, and a searing heat filled his mouth. Swallowing quickly, he grabbed his water to wash it down.

"Damn it, Ines, are you trying to poison me?"

Ines snorted. "If I try to poison you, you be dead now. Sorry I don't think of it."

Ines left through the door into the parlor, and he knew she was going to talk to Caroline, though he had no idea what she would say to her. She would probably tell her she was lucky to be leaving, to run as fast and as far away from him as she could.

Good! he thought, stabbing at his food as if it were something hateful. All he needed was Ines encouraging her while he was trying to discourage her. Cursing under his breath, he decided that women would be the death of him yet.

Caroline threw another gown into the trunk, sniffing loudly. "Isolation is what you wanted, Jason, and isolation is what you'll get. I hope you enjoy your solitude!
If I could, I'd leave right now. I won
der how far I could get on foot!
"

"He is sorry,
Senhora
."

Turning at the sound of Ines's voice behind her, Caroline used her fingertips to wipe away the tears that had begun trailing down her face. "Did he tell you that? No, of course he didn't. Stop apologizing for him. Stop making excuses for him. God knows, I've done enough of that myself. No more. He's won. I'm glad to be leaving."

Cautiously, Ines entered the room, her hands clenched before her. "Please,
Senhora
, do not talk that way. Master Jason is good inside."

"I don't care!" Caroline nearly shouted. "He wants me gone, and I plan to oblige him. I just wish I could do so today."

"You must—"

Caroline spun around to face Ines, cutting her off. "You were wrong, Ines. He isn't afraid of me; he dislikes me. If I haven't learned anything else in the nineteen days I've been here, I've learned that much."

"Nineteen days?" Ines asked. "You count the days?"

"No," Caroline said with a tired sigh, "it's something Jason said."

Nineteen days. Had she been here exactly nineteen days? Had Jason counted the days? A glimmer of hope lightened her heart, but she tamped it down immediately. "It doesn't mean anything just because he knows how many days I've been here. He's probably counting the days until I'll be gone now. I don't fit his perfect image of the perfect wife, so he doesn't want me in this perfect world he's trying to construct, and nothing I say or do will change that."

Turning dejectedly, Ines moved to leave. A sense of loss tugged at Caroline's heart. She wasn't only losing Jason, she was losing Ines as well and Brazil, which she was beginning to love. She nearly halted Ines, but she wasn't sure what she would say. There was nothing to say. Jason had had the last word.

Resuming her needless packing, Caroline didn't realize that Ines was still standing at the door until she spoke. "I bring you something,
Senhora
."

Caroline heaved a weary sigh, turning to face the other woman. "What is it?"

Ines dug in her pocket and pulled out a white cloth pouch about the size of a fist. Attached to it was a length of twine. "Love charm. It will make Master Jason fall in love with you."

Caroline laughed, shaking her head in wonder. "I thought you were a Christian, Ines."

"Sim,
Senhora
,
Jesus, he is very good, and also is
Maria a Virgem.
I pray to her for you every night. But this," she said, patting the pouch, her eyes gleaming with mischief, "this is magic powerful."

Ines stepped toward her, and Caroline stood still, fighting the urge to back away and refuse to participate in this ridiculous farce.

"See, you tie the twine around the waist like so," Ines told her. She wrapped her arms around Caroline's waist and pulled the two ends of the rope together in front. "The charm hangs down the front like this. Well, you wear it under the skirt...."

Ines dropped one end of the twine and Caroline moved a safe distance away. "It's no use, Ines, I can't, I just can't keep trying. The harder I try, the more he lashes out. He has hardly said a civil word to me since I've been here."

"If you could see inside his heart, as I have...."

"Please," Caroline interrupted sharply, "don't tell me any more stories." The hurt expression on Ines's face sliced through Caroline's heart, and she was immediately sorry for her harsh words.

"Just one more story,
Senhora
,
and I will say no more."

Caroline sat tiredly on the edge of the bed. "I'm sorry, Ines, I—"

"I owe Master Jason my life," Ines began. "My mae, my mother, she is Indian. My father, he is Portuguese. I am
caballo
—half Indian, half Portuguese. My father does not marry
mae.
So she works in the city, in a place called Manaus. You have been there, yes?"

"Yes," Caroline replied, remembering the city at the mouth of the Rio Negro, its garish wealth and grinding poverty.

"She works on the street, brings home the men. But the men who drain the rubber trees, they aren't liking the Indian. They more like
caballo,
but my mother tells them, no, that I am too young. When I am thirteen years old,
mae
dies of the disease. A man, Olivais, he takes me to his mansion far up the black river. He rapes me and he lets his men rape me. I know you are thinking I am bad."

"Ines, no!" Caroline reached out toward the other woman, struggling for control of the revulsion and overwhelming horror rumbling up from her woman's heart.

Drawing Ines down to sit on the bed beside her, she asked, "Why would you think that? What could you have done?"

Ines sat beside Caroline, her gaze distant. "I could kill myself. I have a knife, and I think about it, but I am too weak."

"No one could blame you for being strong enough to live," Caroline told her sincerely. She could hardly imagine such a horror. It was every woman's nightmare, and Ines had lived it—and survived. How could she, or anyone else, ever judge Ines?

"One night, my door is unlock and I am running away. But they find me and I am brought back." Caroline felt the tremor that coursed through Ines's body. "They will do terrible punishment to runaways. You don't want to hear it. But Master Jason, he takes me away from there. He hits the big man with his fist like that." She swung out at the air for emphasis. "He takes the gun and tells them he will kill them. At the river, he put fires on their boats so they can't follow."