FullDisclosure (16 page)

She was surprised to feel his hands on her shoulders, and the touch was gentle rather than angry. “Of course they do. You don’t owe me anything, Sadie.” Very slowly, he turned her to face him. “And where is the law written that says we can’t care for two people at the same time? It’s not like your feelings for Evan cancel out your feelings for me.”

She blinked in surprise. This was not the reaction she had anticipated. Every other man she had ever slept with had declared immediate and exclusive ownership of her without exception. When Philip had hit her it had been because she had seemed a bit too friendly with a colleague at a company function. The man had been European and had merely given her the standard double-cheek kiss, but her explanations had fallen on deaf ears. How ironic that the beating had sent her fleeing into another man’s arms.

But here was Jake, gazing down at her with such caring and understanding after she had told him she’d shared a passionate kiss with another man. She didn’t know what to make of it. Just like she had no idea what to make of his last statement. The words were out of her mouth before she could stop them. “You love him too, don’t you?”

His gaze remained level and even, his eyes never leaving hers as he apparently processed what she had just said. But just as she was about to press him she saw something else that she didn’t expect. His eyes filled and a single tear slipped from the corner to slide down his cheek before he dropped his hands from her shoulders and turned away, belatedly brushing away the evidence and hiding the feelings that she had already seen advertised so blatantly.

“You saw?” His voice rasped with emotion.

“Yes. I’m sorry, Jake. I didn’t mean to intrude, but…yes.”

He nodded. “I’m the one who should apologize. I should have been more forthcoming about my relationship with Evan. But…” He shrugged. “It’s not exactly something that he wants advertised. Our feelings for each other have been very difficult for him…to deal with.”

“Yes. I can imagine.”

Nodding, he finally turned to face her, all evidence of his pain now safely tucked away. In fact his expression had turned hard, cold. He nodded toward the stack of clothes on the bed. “I see you were getting your things together. I’m happy to drive you back to your apartment, but if you prefer a cab I completely understand.”

She blinked in surprise. Of course when he had first come in, she had been planning on leaving, but that had been because she assumed she was no longer wanted. Because she had assumed that she had no place in his life. Strange how that had all changed in a few short moments. “You
want
me to go?”

He frowned. “No. But I assumed you’d no longer want to be here. To be with me.”

She began to feel twinges of a new and unexpected emotion. Anger and indignation. Her face heated with it. “So you’re assuming that because you’re attracted to men, that I’m no longer attracted to you? Worse yet, that I’m perhaps
repulsed
by you?”

“Truthfully? Yes. That has been my experience with women. Most women I’ve met would be horrified at the thought of being with a man who has been with other men.”

She propped her hands on her hips and tried to keep the steam from pouring out her ears. “And I’m exactly like all the other women that you know. Is that what I’m to take from that? I’m a narrow-minded, snobbish, air-headed, shop-a-holic twit? Is that what you think of me?”

His mouth gaped. “I…uh…
no
! Of course not!”

“Well then?”

“Are you saying you’re
okay
with it? That you don’t find it shocking or disturbing?”

“Well, truth be told, I was a little surprised. And yes, a little shocked. But not for the reasons that you might think.”

A half-smile tickled his lips. “And what would those reasons be?”

She took a chance and stepped close to him, sliding her hands around that narrow, muscular waist. “At first I was shocked because I felt a twinge of jealousy.”

“For me? Or for Evan?”

“Both, I guess. I felt left out, somewhat deceived. Perhaps used, and maybe a bit unwanted.”

“I’m sorry. Our intent was never to deceive you. And you, my dear, are always wanted.”

Allowing herself to feel the warm flush of pleasure, she continued, “But then that changed and I was shocked for a whole new reason.”

He traced a finger down her cheek. “Do I have to ask?”

She smiled but couldn’t quite meet his gaze. “After I came back in the bedroom, and once the initial surprise wore off, I realized that I actually found the whole thing rather…exciting. Seeing two handsome men that I care about kissing so passionately?” A small shiver skittered down her spine. “It did things to me that I never expected.”

He cupped her cheek and lifted her chin so that she had no choice but to meet his gaze. She was disappointed to find that he was no longer smiling. “I don’t know what to do, Sadie. Evan is in a place right now—a place where I can’t seem to reach him.”

“He told me there’s something big going on in his life, right now. Something that’s preventing him from being with me.”

“He’s not lying. It is something very significant, and it’s also preventing him from being with me. He thinks he’s making choices that will make him happy in the long run, but I think it’s a mistake. Right now it’s making him act crazy because it’s fucking everything up. But he can’t see that. And I think in the end it will just end up causing him more pain.”

“I don’t understand, Jake. What is this about?”

“I don’t feel comfortable telling you. I think he should be the one to explain.” He sighed. “I just don’t know how to get him to do that.”

“Well, maybe if we approach him together we’d have better luck…persuading him to come clean.”

At last that smile was back. “You mean gang up on him? Tie him to a chair and torture him until he agrees to our demands?”

She laughed. “Yeah. Something like that.”

“Actually, he might like that. He’s kinda into the whole bondage thing.”

“Really?” She was surprised by the fresh shiver of excitement that came along with that image. She had to bite on her lower lip to keep it from trembling. “I think I’d like to see that sometime.”

“Damn, you’re sexy.” He brushed a finger across her bottom lip. “I love it when you do that.”

“You mean this?” She drew her lower lip slowly through her teeth.

He growled, sliding his fingers into her hair and gripping the back of her head. “Yeah. That.”

Feeling playful, she did it again.

“Stop it!” he laughed.

“Make me.”

He hesitated, his eyes searching hers and his expression touched with a hint of melancholy. She was just about to ask what was wrong when at last he pressed his lips to hers. The kiss was tentative at first, but building in strength and passion. It washed any doubts away as to his feelings for her, but strangely added to her confusion. How could she want Jake so badly, yet still have such strong feelings for Evan? You weren’t
supposed
to love two people at the same time. Love wasn’t supposed to work that way. Was it?

But when Jake’s arms wrapped around her and drew her in tight and she felt the insistent ridge of his erection through her shorts, she knew there was no point in dwelling on these things. At least not now.

She nudged her hips against his to let him know that she was ready—eager for him and all that he had to offer. The heat of his hand that had slipped beneath her T-shirt told her that he felt the same.

He cupped her bare breast and whispered in her ear, “You taste better than the finest champagne.”

She smiled because, knowing him, that truly meant something.

Evan walked along the waterfront, away from Jake’s condo, away from his Jag—and away from the source of his anguish. That had not gone according to plan. Not at all.

He’d been so sure that he could control his feelings for Sadie. He’d had so much practice, after all. He’d spent years denying his feelings for her during his pathetic excuse for a marriage. He’d assumed that he’d be able to fall back into that old charade again quite easily, that he could slip back into it just like an old pair of jeans.

He’d been wrong. He’d forgotten that he didn’t wear old jeans.

He’d ended up making a fool of himself, and hurting two people that he cared deeply for. He acknowledged now that his accusations toward Jake had been ludicrous. Jake was as likely to do something to hurt Sadie as he was to sprout wings and fly.

Jake was right when he said he had taken over Evan’s responsibilities, picked up the ball that Evan had dropped. Of course he was right—and Evan resented him immensely for it. Just like he resented him for being so damn smart, witty, sexy and desirable.

And Evan resented himself for loving Jake so much.

Seeing him today—kissing him—had confirmed it. Feelings that he had tried so hard to deny for the past several months had come rushing back with a ferocity that had stolen his breath.

Ironically, kissing Sadie had had the exact same effect. And it was that confusion and sense of frustration that had sent him running from the apartment. He not only loved one person that he couldn’t have—but two. He couldn’t tell Rachel that he loved a man, and he certainly couldn’t tell her that he loved a woman who had once been to prison for murdering her husband.

He feared the fact that Sadie had been exonerated would hold little weight. His experience with such fundamentalist Christians had been that their testimonials of love and forgiveness tended to cover a deep and abiding love for judgment and intolerance.

That thought stopped him.

He gazed out over the water and wondered why he would be pleased to call someone like that his daughter? How could he feel connected to someone whose value system differed so wildly from his own that he had to hide his true nature?

Perhaps Jake had a point.

What kind of love was that? Was he just setting himself up for disappointment? What if eventually Rachel discovered the truth? And if he was honest with himself, that was a distinct possibility. Much like love affairs, charades like this were invariably doomed to exposure. And when she found out the truth, where would that leave their relationship? He would be the father who deceived her. How could she ever trust him again?

He took a deep breath and studied the horizon, where gunmetal gray clouds blended seamlessly into the turbid waters of Lake Ontario. He’d been so distracted he hadn’t even noticed the building storm. The sky was ugly, but they needed the rain. The earth needed to be cleansed and—perhaps—so did he.

He made his decision, but it wasn’t easy. And at that moment he desperately needed to hear the sound of his daughter’s voice.

He pulled out his cell phone and dialed her number, waiting anxiously for the affirmation he craved in the face of the torrential downpour he knew was to come.

Alone on the trail that ran through the bush that surrounded the camp, Rachel was strangely relieved at the interruption to her thoughts that the trill of her cell phone provided.

She wasn’t sure whose name she
wanted
to see come up on the caller ID, but she did know that her father’s was not that name. Regardless of her trepidation, however, she accepted the call and placed the phone to her ear.

As she did so she wondered if he could hear the rush of blood through her head and the whispers of sin and guilt that echoed in her mind. “Hi, Dad.”

“Hey, honey. How is it going up there?”

She swallowed thickly, and because she needed something to do she started walking again. “I…uh…it’s fine. Why? Why do you ask?”

Her father took several seconds to answer. He must know, she thought. He must know what an evil, vile, horrible person she was. Noah’s tongue had been on her privates—inside her. Her mother had always taught her that was an abomination—an affront to God. And yet she had enjoyed it, thrilled to it. And already she craved more of it. What did that say about her?

“I just wanted to check in, make sure you’re okay,” he said at last. “Are you all right? You sound upset.”

“I do? Oh I’m sorry.” She tried to muster a laugh—and failed miserably. “I’m just a bit distracted, I guess. There’s so much going on here, it’s hard to stay focused.” That much was the truth, at least.

“Oh. Okay, then. That’s good. So, it’s going well? They’re treating you all right?”

Suddenly exhausted, she stopped walking and wilted against a tree. She’d skipped a seminar to come out here and try to clear her head. It wasn’t working. She felt even more muddled than before. How was it that everything seemed so clear when she was with Noah? It was only when she had time to sit and think that everything got so confused.

“Yes, yes. They’ve been wonderful. It’s a great group of people.”

“Really.” He sounded almost…surprised. “Well, that’s good to hear. I’m glad you’re fitting in.”

“Oh, I am. I really am.”

“And Noah? You’re getting on all right with him?”

At the mention of Noah’s name the bottom dropped out of her tummy. “Yes.” Her voice came out as breathless as she felt. “He’s been wonderful.”

“I see.”

He knew. He had to know. She felt as though the whole world knew!