Funeral with a View (11 page)

It was the following
March, only a few weeks before Rob and Jude’s wedding. He and I were at my desk
at Colbert & Colbert.

Shortly after New Year’s,
he’d struck up a conversation with me, expressing his disenchantment with his
current advertisers.

“The chain is doing
well,” he’d said, “but I think Curring’s Sports World could do even better.”

“Have you considered a
name change?”

He eyed me, and chewed on
the idea. “I’m not opposed to it. What did you have in mind?”

And that’s how The Fore
Seasons was born. Once I’d pitched the name, Rob asked me to work up a few
graphics. He liked what I brought to the table and fired his long-time
advertising firm. He opened up a contract with my firm not long after, with the
explicit stipulation I be in charge of the contract and all designs. The brass
were impressed. Between bringing a new client on board, the ongoing contract
with Helena’s Heaven, and several others, I’d been making a name for myself.

Rob and I had been
pouring over mock-ups all morning.

“Nervous about the
wedding?” I asked.

“Getting there.” He
smiled and slid his glasses back up his nose. “I’ve been close before, but
never this close.”

“Oh stop. You two are
perfect together. I’m always catching Jude looking at you with those big doe
eyes of hers. Don’t let the pre-wedding jitters get to you. It’ll pass.”

“I’m sure it will.” He
took a cloth from the breast pocket of his expensive suit and cleaned an
insignificant smudge from his lenses. Leaning in, he peered at my monitor. “This
is some good stuff you have, Rick. I appreciate all the effort.”

“It’s what I do, Rob. You
know … I’m thinking of asking Cat to marry me.”

Rob stopped leafing
through the storefront ideas I’d generated, and his glasses began their
downward slide. Brown eyes assessed me over the rims. “Really.”

“Really really. We’ve
been dating over a year now. Everything’s great. You know what we’ve been
through, but that’s way behind us. We couldn’t be happier.”

Cat and I had settled
into an easy routine, and the months living under the same roof were filled
with wonderful times. We dressed up as Han Solo and Princess Leia for
Halloween. We hosted our very own Thanksgiving. We woke up on Christmas morning
and opened presents that sat under our own tree. We threw a New Year’s Eve
party. Bill joined us … with someone who
wasn’t
Mandy. Every one of
these occasions was made better by the fact that neither one of us had to leave
when the night was over.

“Anyway,” I said, “I’ve
been saving my pennies for a few months and I think I have enough scrounged
together for a nice ring. I took a couple trips to the mall and local jewelers,
just to get an idea of what’s out there.”

Rob made a face of
revulsion and held up a hand. “Stop. Stop right there.”

“What? Think it’s too
soon? A year doesn’t sound all that long, but we’re good together.”

“It’s not that. It’s not
that at all. Don’t you dare buy her an engagement ring from a …
mall
.”

“Why not? I’ve seen some
pretty nice things.”

“Those stores are shit.” Rob
didn’t curse often. He had my attention. “They sell junk. Overpriced junk.”

“Oh. I didn’t know that.”

“Why would you? You’re just
a kid, not wise in the ways of the world or jewelers.” He adjusted his glasses
and I noticed his mouth twitch; he was having a bit of fun at my expense. “I
know a place, Rick.” Rob produced a business card from his wallet and handed it
to me. “They’re a wholesaler. That means less markup.”

“The Diamond Exchange,
Woodbridge, NJ.” The name ‘Malory’ was written on the back. “Never heard of
it.”

“Do you buy much jewelry,
Rick?”

“Historically speaking?
No.”

“Exactly my point. I’ve
been going there for years. I know Malory quite well. The quality is top notch
and the workmanship is stellar. You’ve seen Jude’s engagement ring?” I nodded.
How could I miss it? It was a direct descendant of the Hope Diamond. Satisfied,
Rob leaned back in the chair. “I rest my case.”

Some help was definitely
in order.

“Do you think I can
borrow your fiancé this weekend?” I said through a mouthful of fingernail.

~~~

“Oh my God. I can’t
believe you’re getting married!” Jude was on her tiptoes and had me wrapped in
a bear hug. “I’m so happy for you guys.”

“Well, it’s not official
yet.” Butch sniffed my feet, wagging his tail. He’d stopped tackling me a long
time ago. “I kind of have to ask her first. But I can’t do that without a ring.
You know, the little details.”

I’d managed to sneak out
for the day, using Bill as an excuse. Catherine thought he and I were going
mountain biking in the park. It was the best excuse I could come up with, and
it worked like the proverbial charm.

“That, Mr. Romantic, is
why you’re bringing me.” Jude pulled away and I read the text stenciled on her
T-shirt.
I Got No Dough Cause I’m Poe
. “You’ve come to the right place.
I know diamonds, and I know Malory. We’re gonna kick ass and take names. Trust
me.”

We hopped in the car and
headed north on the Jersey Turnpike toward Woodbridge.

I checked my mirror,
engaged the blinker, and passed a moving van.

“Jude, I’m not trying to
steal your thunder or anything. You know, with your wedding coming up?”

She batted my apology out
of the air. “Please. I know you better than that. But don’t ask her until we’re
back from the honeymoon. You have my word that I’ll only be forced to kill you
if you ask her before my big day.”

The rest of the ride was
filled with companionable chit-chat. I’d never spent much alone time with Jude
and I enjoyed every minute of it. She rattled off the details of her wedding
plans and admitted to experiencing some pre-wedding nerves. After she exhausted
the nuptial topic, she put me in stitches with tales of her misspent youth. I nearly
swerved into another lane when she spun a yarn about Mary Jo and The Colonel
catching her in the hot tub. With a naked boy. Smoking pot, amongst other
things.

“I thought my dad was
going to shit a solid gold brick. I could practically see the steam coming out
of his ears.” She laughed. “If he only knew half the crap Cat and I got up to
as kids we’d probably still be in a nunnery in parts unknown.”

That was an image I
couldn’t quite wrap my head around.

~~~

“Jude, so good to see you
again.” The voice belonged to a handsome woman in her forties, dressed to the
nines in black and decked out in diamonds. She and Jude leaned over the glass
display case and hugged.

“Malory, how are you?
This strapping young man is my future brother-in-law, Rick.”

“She hasn’t said yes
yet,” I offered. “Nice to meet you, Malory. Rick Franchitti.”

“Likewise, Rick. Your
intended hasn’t said yes yet, but after I set you up she won’t be able to say
no.”

“From your lips.”

“Shall we get started?”

“I’m all yours.”

Malory educated me on the
finer points of diamonds: cut, clarity, color. We browsed case after case of
shiny baubles until I picked out a generously sized round cut. She complimented
me on my eye. I’m sure Jude would have, too, if she hadn’t been transfixed on
the gem as it diffracted the light. That was as good a litmus test as any. I’d
picked a winner.

Next came settings. For
the better part of two hours I peered into every case in the store, studying
every ring they offered. I wanted it to be perfect. The standout by far was a
platinum band, encrusted with small, round cut diamonds that wrapped their way
up either side like a vine.

I tapped the glass counter.
“That’s it. That’s the one. It’s perfect.”

Malory smiled and pulled
it from the black felt display rack. Using tweezers, she set my chosen diamond
in the setting.

“Ricky, that’s gorgeous,”
breathed Jude. “Cat is going to love it. Shit.” She wiped away a tear. “I’m
going to cry right in the middle of the damn store. I’m such a girl.”

“You like it? I did
good?”

“Rick, if you put that
ring on my finger
I’d
marry you.” That got a laugh out of Malory. “I
don’t like it, I
love
it. Cat’ll love it, too. No doubt in my mind.” She
gave me a small peck on the cheek.

“Well, I guess that’s
that.” I turned to Malory. “I’ll take that one to go.”

~~~

Jude and I pulled up to
the Maddox complex shortly after dinnertime. She and Rob hadn’t been kidding
when they said Malory would take care of me. I won’t get into the exact
numbers, but I made out pretty well. That didn’t keep me from clutching my
chest as I wrote the biggest check of my life. Malory thought it was funny. She
would. She worked on commission. On the porch, I wrapped Jude in my own bear
hug. “Thanks again for tagging along, Jude. I appreciate it. You were a huge
help. What’s a guy like me know about engagement rings?”

“Yeah, but now you’re an
expert. Happy to help, Ricky. I’ll jump at any excuse to blow a day staring at
diamonds.”

“I just hope she says
yes.”

“She will, Rick.” For the
first time that day, Jude’s expression turned serious. “I know my sister. She
lights up when you’re together. It’s the happiest I’ve ever seen her. Even at
the mention of your name, she,” a shrug, “I don’t know. Glows? Frankly, it
sickens me. Oh, don’t make that face. I’m just jerking your chain, wimp. But
seriously. She’ll say yes. I guarantee it.”

“I’m going to hold you to
that.”

“Be my guest.”

After a final hug and
goodbye, I made my way to the car.

“Oh, and Rick?”

“Yeah?”

“Remember what I said.
After
the honeymoon. Or I’ll kill you.” She drew her finger across her throat, stuck
out her tongue, and crossed her eyes.

“I will, I promise.”

~~~

“Glen? Glen!”

“Coming, dear.”

I stopped at my mom’s
house later that night. As if that fact weren’t obvious.

“Holy shit, Richard. This
ring is gorgeous!” She wore the same look as Jude had earlier in the jewelry
store. “Glen! Come take a look at what Richard bought. Where is that man? And
as for you, Richard. Why hadn’t you told me about any of this?”

I shrugged. “I don’t
know. No reason, really. Things took on a life of their own once Rob gave me
the jeweler’s card.”

Glen ambled into the
living room, scratching his halo of hair and inadvertently saving me from any
more admonishment. “I was taking a dump, for Christ’s sake. What’s all the fuss
about? What did Rick buy, and why are you always yelling?”

Mom presented the ring,
nestled in its black velvet box. “Look at this. Isn’t it spectacular?”

Glen whistled. “Nice
trinket. But I’m already taken.”

“Very funny.” Mom swiped
the box from him.

Glen walked off and came
back with a beer.

“So, this is the one, eh,
Rick?” he said, and took a pull of St. Pauli Girl.

Mom rolled her eyes. “Of
course this is the one, Glen. Why would he have bought her a ring otherwise? Right,
sweetie?”

“Right.” I set my bottle
on an end table older than me. “She’s the one. Always has been. Sorry for not
keeping you in the loop. It all happened kind of suddenly. It’s been on my mind
for a long time now, and with everything going so well I decided to take the
plunge. Nothing’s left but the asking and the answering. We’ll see what
happens.”

“She’ll say yes, Richard.
How could she not?” She patted my knee. “When are you going to ask her?”

“I promised Jude I’d wait
until she and Rob get back from the honeymoon. Under threat of death.”

“What about The Colonel?”
Glen said.

“What about him?”

“You going to ask his
permission?”

Shit
. I hadn’t
thought of that. Did I have to? The very idea reeked of antiquity, but Colonel
Maddox was nothing if not a traditionalist.

“Do you think I should?” A
finger neared my mouth. Mom tagged me with a pointed look. I drank some beer
instead.

Glen shrugged. “Couldn’t
hurt. From what Beth tells me he’s a bit … rigid.”

“Glen makes a good point,
Richard. You’re getting along now, but given your history it may be in your
best interests to show him the courtesy of asking. Do you know if Rob
approached him before proposing to Jude?”

“I can’t say either way.
It’s never come up. Shit.”

Bad enough I had to come
up with an interesting way to propose to Catherine—let’s face it, us guys have
to conjure something profound and/or romantic—but now I had to ask her father for
her hand in marriage? What was this, the 18
^th
century?

“You think about it, Baby
Boy. In the end it’s your choice, but wouldn’t you rather know going in if her
father approves or not? Not that there’s anything he can do about it, but I
think it would be a show of respect and good faith.”

I grunted, finished my
beer. Their points were valid, whether I liked it or not.

“In any case, just make
sure you two get engaged soon. The sooner you’re married, the sooner you can
start greasing the wheels of the Baby Making Machine.”

“
Mooommmmm
…”

Glen shook his head. “Just
let it happen, Rick. Easier that way.”

Is it any wonder I’d kept
her out of the loop? Mom’s house. Gotta love it.

Jude and Rob’s—correction:
Mr. and Mrs. Curring’s—wedding bordered on pure spectacle; ornate floral
arrangements, sculpted ice swans, string quartet. I shuddered to think how much
the Maddoxes had spent.

The ceremony had been
gorgeous, the weather outstanding. In her flowing white gown, Jude stood out
like a beacon lit from within. Rob was regal in his black tux and tails. The
groomsmen also wore black, the bridesmaids in plumb. Catherine was a vision.
Straps fell off her shoulders and exposed the perfect amount of creamy skin.
The rich color accentuated her strawberry blond hair perfectly. While the
wedding party looked fantastic, I only had eyes for Cat.

Rob and Jude chose a sweethearts’
table for the reception. I was able to sit with my girlfriend, as well as Bill
and his plus one: an athletic and shy blonde named Suzie. She seemed like a
nice girl, but like most of Bill’s plus ones, I didn’t expect her to be around
long. Cat and I discussed the over/under when they weren’t around. Still mean?
Yes. Still fun? Absolutely.

“Are you sure you want to
do this?”

Bill and I were perched
at the bar. Dinner had ended and nearly the entire guest list was cutting some
nasty rug to the perennial wedding favorite, ‘It’s Raining Men’, Maddoxes
included. Get a couple drinks in him and The Colonel had some moves.

“Completely, positively,
absolutely, one hundred percent.” I sipped at my Jack on the rocks. “I think
he’ll appreciate the sentiment. Can’t hurt, right?”

“Nope. Can’t hurt at all.
Unless he says no.” Bill had laughed when I’d brought up my plan to ask The
Colonel’s permission for Catherine’s hand in marriage. Then he’d asked if I was
crazy. “Have you thought of that? The crushing discomfort you’ll be forced to
endure if he doesn’t give you his
blessing
and you go ahead and ask her
anyway?”

“Of course I have. How
could I not? If he’s not happy with me proposing to Cat, that’s his problem.
I’m asking her, yes or no, and that’s all there is to it.” I tilted my head
back and the rest of my drink slid down my throat. “Anyway, I consider it a
courtesy.”

“Knowing The Colonel,
he’ll consider it a shot across the bow.”

“The Electric Slide” blared
through the DJ’s thundering sound system. My back to the bar, I rested my
elbows on top and watched the guests set themselves up for the infamous line
dance. The Colonel said something to his wife, shook his head, and bowed out. I
saw it as my chance to get him alone for a few minutes. I’d been waiting for
the opportunity to do just that all night.

“This is it, Bill.
Herr
Colonel’s
taking a break. I best strike while the iron’s hot.” The
bartender refilled my empty glass. “Look, I think he’s going out on the veranda
to sneak a quick cigar. Wish me luck.”

Bill saluted me with a raised
beer. “Good luck, man. You’re gonna need it.”

I took off after
Catherine’s father.

~~~

There he was.

The Colonel stood in a
far corner of the veranda outside the reception hall. As I suspected, he’d
snuck out for a cigar. The lighter’s bright orange flame illuminated his face
as he puffed on the tobacco. The April evening was pleasant, dusk giving way to
night, and there was a slight chill in the air.

I made my way over. I was
sweating, and not from dancing. My pulse thundered in my ears and it was all I
could do to keep my fingers away from my teeth.

“I hate that damned
Electric Slide,” The Colonel said, noticing my approach. A cloud of thick smoke
wafted away on the breeze. “If it were up to me I’d have it outlawed.” He took
a case from his breast pocket. “Cigar?”

“Sure, thanks.” I never
smoked the things, and I had a feeling Cat wouldn’t kiss me for the rest of the
night, but I was behind enemy lines.

“Hell of a spread, wouldn’t
you say, son?” A flash of the lighter and my smoke was lit. “You’d shit
yourself if I told you how much this is costing me, but my girls are worth it.”
The veranda was dark with nothing but strings of white Christmas-type lights to
fight off the gathering night, but as The Colonel inhaled and the tip of his
cigar glowed, I could see his moustache tilted in a smile.

“This is without a doubt
the nicest wedding I’ve ever been to, Colonel. Hands down. The weather was
great, the ceremony beautiful,” I didn’t mention I’d seen him crying after he
presented the bride. That would have been stupid, “the bride is gorgeous, and
this reception is crazy.”

The elder Maddox
chuckled, took another puff of cigar. Mine burned, unsmoked, between thumb and
index finger.

Now or never
.

“Um, now that I have you
out here, there’s something I’d like to ask.”

“That so?” Another wisp
of smoke escaped his mouth.

“Well, it’s about your
daughter.”

Puff. “Jude?”

“No.” I fired back my
drink, draining the contents in one gulp. “Cat.”

“What about her?”

“Well, I was wondering … I
mean, I just wanted to ask … would it be okay—”

“Damn, Rick. Just spit it
out, will you? I’d like to get back to the wedding that I’ll more than likely
spend the rest of my life paying off before it’s over.”

“I wanted to ask you for
Cat’s hand in marriage.” The sentence came out as one word with a dozen
syllables.

The Colonel’s eyes
narrowed, his overlarge moustache twitched.

Shit. He’s going to
say no. Going to play hard ass and tell me I’m not good enough for his little Kit
Cat. “Fuck off, kid.” Bill was right. This is a crazy idea.

Then, out of the blue,
something I couldn’t have predicted happened. The Colonel started laughing. Not
a chuckle, not a snort. He laughed so hard he doubled over wheezing.

“Are you kidding me?” he
said in between gasps for air. “You’re actually
asking
me if you can
marry my daughter?”

I nodded like a moron.

“Holy shit, Rick! I
haven’t heard anything so ridiculous in my whole goddamn life!”

“What the shit are you
laughing at? I don’t see what’s so funny about me wanting to marry Cat.” I go
out of my way to be courteous to this guy, to ask
permission
to marry
his youngest daughter, and he laughs at me? Just when I thought he and I were
in a good place,
he laughs at me
?

“Oh get that puss off
your face, son.” He slapped my back so hard I almost dropped my empty glass on
the patio. “I’m not laughing at
that.
I’m laughing that you actually
asked me.”

“Huh?”

“Rick,” he said around a
mouthful of cigar, wiping a tear from his eye, “you know me a little bit by now,
don’t you?”

“I’d like to think so.”

“Do you think I’m
that
much of an asshole?”

“Is this a trick
question?”

“C’mon, Rick. How old
fashioned do you think I am?” His laughter stopped. “Wait a second. You thought
there was a chance I’d say no?”

“The thought had occurred
to me.”

“Shit, son.” His laughter
resumed in earnest. I ducked to the side, narrowly avoiding another painful
slap on the back. “You’re too much.”

“That’s a good thing,
right?”

He wiped at his eyes,
laughter subsiding. “Look, Rick. I like you. I like you a lot. More
importantly, my little girl loves your scrawny ass, unibrow and all.” His arm
draped over my shoulders; a rare display of male bonding. “Of course you have
my blessing, you twit.”

“Say cheese!” There was
blinding flash. “Aww, don’t you two look cute together. You may want to tell Mom
about the ‘other man’, though, Dad.”

“Jude, if it weren’t your
wedding day I’d kick your ass.”

“Yeah, yeah. C’mon you
two. Get your butts back on that dance floor. Your significant others have been
looking for you for the past ten minutes.” The radiant bride stomped her foot
and pointed inside where music and laughter spilled from the open door.

“Some battles can’t be
won, Rick,” The Colonel said.

“Nope. We can’t
disappoint the bride on her wedding day.”

The three of us made our
way back to the dance floor. “Staying Alive” blasted from the speakers. Bill
gave me a questioning look as we passed the bar. I answered with a double
thumbs up. Grinning, Bill raised his glass in salute.

I met up with Catherine
on the dance floor. She was flushed and glowing with a fine mist of sweat.
Totally sexy.

“Hey, baby. Where’ve you
been?” She wrinkled her nose and recoiled. “God, Rick. You stink of cigars.”

“Sorry about that. Your
dad made me an offer I couldn’t refuse.”

“You? My dad? Smoking
cigars?”

Before I could answer,
Jude grabbed our arms and dragged us to the center of a dance floor filled with
people well on their way to inebriation.

“Hey you two, less
talking and more dancing! Ricky, you look entirely too stuffy. Here. Let me
help.” Jude removed my tie and wrapped it around my head. “There. Much better,”
she said, admiring her handiwork.

We started to cut some
rug ourselves. Things really got interesting when I reenacted the Ted Stryker
dance scene from
Airplane!
. Jude and Catherine nearly peed themselves.
Anything worth doing is worth doing right I always say.

“Hold that pose.” The
overzealous wedding photographer swooped in from out of nowhere and with yet
another bright flash, a classic picture was captured: a sweaty man with a tie
circling his head, flanked by two cross-eyed beauties.