GABRIEL (The Innerworld Affairs Series, Book 4) (32 page)

He walked over to the bed and confirmed that she was sound asleep. Apparently she was unable to maintain the partition while sleeping. That realization made him wonder how much energy it had taken for her to hold it in place all day as she had. It hardly seemed fair that she should bear the entire burden but he lacked the ability to assist her in any way.

Unless she was also right about one mate being able to adopt the skills of the other. He tried to construct a wall but nothing happened. Perhaps he should ask her more about it tomorrow. If he couldn't learn the blocking skill to give her an occasional mental break, at least he could adjust to having her in his head for a few brief periods during the day. It might not be so bad, if he was prepared for it.

In fact, if the interval when their minds had been open to each other while they coupled was typical, he knew he could tolerate that, as long as he was still able to have his privacy most of the time.

He got into bed beside her and stretched out. After being doubled up in a pouch made for one and sleeping on the ground, he should have enjoyed the luxury of the large, comfortable mattress and fluffy pillow. Instead he found himself looking for an excuse to wrap his body around Shara's as he had been doing in nights past. It made little sense but he seemed to sleep more deeply when she was in his arms. Considering how much he valued his solitude, that sort of thinking wasn't normal for him either.

Just to prove he could, he rolled onto his stomach and turned his face away from her. Then he ordered himself to go to sleep quickly, before she started dreaming.

He remembered the dreams too well. And the nightmares. They belonged to all the others. As a little boy they were so frightening and confusing, he woke up crying hysterically every night. As he matured and understood where the barrage of weird images and nonrelated scenes came from, he stopped crying and learned to get by on a few hours of sleep a night, before everyone else's minds went to rest mode and dream mechanisms kicked in.

Although he managed to fight the urge to entwine his body with Shara's, he had no control over the fact that their minds were sharing the same space. There was something different,
unfamiliar,
about the way it felt though.

He remembered what it was like—hearing disjointed thoughts, one on top of the other, and seeing images that he couldn't sort out or understand. He had always felt as though he'd been invaded by an alien army. To practice his concentration, he'd been instructed to sing songs, recite poems, do math calculations, anything to override everyone else's thoughts, but they were always there in the background.

He tried to identify what was different now. First of all, he wasn't receiving a multitude of jumbled thoughts and memories. There were only his and Shara's and he could tell which was which. That much told him his jammer was still functioning as far as everyone else on board was concerned.

The second major difference he noted was that he was able to focus on an individual memory of hers and examine it as if it were his own. It wasn't at all like what he had known as a child.
This
was nonaggressive, almost peaceful... at least while she was asleep and he had some control over it.

Asleep, she posed no threat to his privacy or his sanity, but she was completely exposed to him. He didn't mean to take advantage of the situation but he also didn't know how to block her out. Suddenly finding himself on the other side of the proverbial fence, he couldn't resist a little experimentation.

He wondered what her opinion of the steward was and effortlessly his curiosity was satisfied. She had thought the younger man was pleasant enough as a conversationalist, though too egotistical for her liking, and she was annoyed at the way he openly assessed her feminine attributes. She planned to avoid spending more time with him.

With a pleased smile, Gabriel shifted his body toward her and almost said something before he recalled that she was asleep. What he had just done wasn't polite but he couldn't stop himself from trying it again.
What did she think of him?

Gabriel wrinkled his forehead as he felt her confusion. As he already knew, she had gone to sleep a bit angry with him over the steward and she was wary of him because of his intention to prevent her from doing anything about Khameira.

He also picked up her contradictory attitude about his appearance. She admired him physically and wanted to keep her distance from him because of it. A bit more probing explained that better. She had been honest about only having two close relationships with men in the past. Now he knew how badly she'd been hurt by them and why she'd avoided coupling ever since, especially with attractive, confident men.

Gabriel scoffed at himself, thinking how he'd assumed his dimpled grin and self-assured attitude would affect her as it had other women he'd dealt with. He'd used the wrong approach with her at every turn.

But she
did
like some things about him. She respected his intelligence and expertise, and trusted him to protect her and treat her fairly. Though she didn't want to enjoy coupling with him, she did...
immensely
.

That knowledge pumped Gabriel's confidence back up again. In spite of everything, she had begun to care for him... at least a little.

The positive feeling vanished the next second as he realized just how deeply he'd hurt her by his hostile reaction to their joining. She had used the expression
a fate worse than death
because she knew that was how he'd thought of it in the first few moments of awareness.

Feeling guilty, he searched for her thoughts about their accidental joining and found nothing. Whatever she felt about it was buried too deeply for him to read, which he guessed meant she wasn't willing to think about it at all yet.

He didn't really believe being mated with her was worse than death. He simply wouldn't have chosen it if he'd been given the opportunity. But it was only right for him to remember that she wouldn't have chosen it either. By separating their minds while they were awake, she was doing what she could to make it easy on him. What could he do to make up for her stolen dreams of finding the perfect mate?

Since she didn't know the answer, he couldn't find it in her mind. He fell asleep with the question pending.

When he awoke, he still had no answer but he did have Shara's warm body curved against his. The fact that they were in the middle of the bed indicated they had each sought out the other in their sleep. The ridiculous nightgown was tangled around both their legs and did absolutely nothing to cool his desire for her.

Realizing his hand was on her breast, he moved it to her waist. He wasn't going to give her an excuse to accuse him of taking advantage of her in her sleep, although he knew that was what his mental probing had been. He was also determined not to be the one to initiate further intimacy between them. Understanding better why she felt the way she did about coupling, he would be careful not to pressure her into doing anything that made her uncomfortable. He wanted her to admit that she desired him. He
needed
her to accept him without the fever hanging over their heads. He couldn't help but wonder how long she'd remain stubborn about it.

He sensed a change and realized she was beginning to rouse. He worried that she hadn't had sufficient rest until a glance at the clock on the wall told him she'd been asleep over twelve hours and he about ten. He'd never slept that long in his entire life.

Feeling her awaken was like watching a flower bloom.
Good morning,
he thought to her as gently as possible then felt a thrill at being able to send a thought at all after so many years of inability. She stretched and snuggled closer and the contentment she was feeling made him feel secure as well. He also knew the moment she realized she was not alone in her bed in Innerworld and that it hadn't all been a bad dream.

She sat up with a start and reconstructed the wall between them. "I'm sorry. I didn't let down the wall on purpose, I swear."

"I know. It's all right." But it wasn't at all right. Having her separate from him so abruptly was extremely disturbing to the peace he'd been enjoying. Knowing that she'd expected him to be angry with her for invading his privacy when she obviously had no control over it made him feel like a heartless villain.

"It probably only happened because I was so tired. I'm sure I'll learn how to hold the partition subconsciously with a little practice." She started to scoot off the bed but he stopped her.

"Shara, I'm not upset. We both had a good night's sleep and I awoke only a few minutes before you. The truth is, it was very selfish of me to expect you to hold the partition constantly. I want you to let it down from time to time when you need a rest. Just warn me and I'll be fine."

Her shoulders relaxed with the removal of part of her burden. It
would
be easier if she could take an occasional break, especially if she needed to concentrate on something more difficult than eating dinner and listening to inane flirtations. "Thank you. That would help." He didn't stop her from getting up when she moved again. She ordered a clean jumper from the supply station and carried it into the sanitation cell to dress. "I'll only be a moment," she assured Gabriel without looking at him.

Waking up to discover the mental wall deteriorated wasn't nearly as unnerving as finding herself cuddled up next to him. She reminded herself that this was the only available cabin and it would be unreasonable for them not to share the bed. However, perhaps tonight she would build a partition of something more solid, like blankets and pillows, to keep her body from gravitating toward his.

They may be joined but she still had her moral compass to answer to. Because of the fever, she had set aside her conviction that it wasn't right to share her body without an emotional attachment. But the fever was gone now and with the exception of being mated to a man who resented her very existence, things were pretty much back to normal.

As soon as she opened the cell door, she smelled breakfast and her gaze latched onto Gabriel. He was setting the small dining table for the both of them, which was very nice, but she wished he had gotten dressed first. His total lack of modesty might not have bothered her if her mind didn't automatically travel to carnal thoughts every time he showed a little flesh. "You can use the cell now," she said, hoping he didn't notice her flushed cheeks. "This smells good. Thank you."

"You're most welcome," he said with a mock bow. "Order whatever else you'd like then go ahead and start. I'll be right back." He ordered a fresh jumper for himself then disappeared into the cell for a few minutes. When he came out and sat down with her, he launched directly into what had been on his mind since she first mentioned it.

"Yesterday you made me an offer that I'd like to take you up on." He could tell by her expression that she needed reminding. "You said if you let the wall down, I might be able to acquire some of your mental skills. If the offer still stands, I'd like to try. I attempted to block you this morning and failed. If I could learn to do that, at least you wouldn't have sole responsibility for keeping our thoughts separate."

"That's a rather drastic change of attitude," she bluntly pointed out.

"I'm trying to be reasonable."

"Oh, yes, we must endeavor to be reasonable, mustn't we?" She studied his face for a moment while she took a bite of omelet. "You understand, I can't promise that your privacy will remain intact. You may not have any secrets left once we start experimenting with this."

He nodded. "I understand but I don't believe I have any secrets from you now anyway."

She wondered if that could possibly be true. If she agreed to this, she'd know soon enough. She would also have to face his resentment of her. She supposed there wasn't much sense in putting it off though. "Fine. Let's work on it after breakfast."

The speed at which he finished eating and cleared the table revealed how anxious he was to begin and her curiosity about his real reason for wanting to do this increased.

"I'm going to lower the partition now. Try to relax. If you feel nervous, so will I. Remember, this is strange to me also."

Gabriel tensed as he sensed her mind melding with his but it only took him a moment to get used to it. As before, he immediately noticed how different this was to what he had known before.

"Gabriel Drumayne! How dare you crawl around in my head without my knowledge?"

His hands instantly covered his ears to shut out the echo.

Sorry.
I forgot. Now, explain
.

He gave her a sheepish grin. He should have realized she'd know what he'd done as soon as she read his thoughts.
I couldn't block you out. I told you that.

You can't tell partial truths when our minds are joined. You purposely looked for answers. Why?

I couldn't seem to help myself. It was a little bit like walking into a room and seeing a whole bowl full of Caresses.
He could feel her annoyance and knew if the situation had been reversed, he would have been furious.
I know it was wrong but maybe if you can see how it was when I was a child, you'll understand why it was so irresistible.

Shara felt him making an effort to relax and waited a moment before sorting through his old memories. She was suddenly assailed by a cacophony of sounds and rapid-fire images that all overlapped one another. It was a wonder he remained sane in the midst of such chaos. Then she felt it, the one secret she didn't know about him—the real reason he invaded her privacy and was anxious to experiment with her skills.