Gay Amish 03 - A Way Home (16 page)

“Oh, David.” Isaac dropped back down, pressing into David’s side and kissing his chest. “I’m sorry you felt that way. I’d never leave you behind. You’re the most important thing in my life. No matter what changes, or what new things I do, I want to do them with you. Even if we don’t do everything together. As long as I wake up beside you every morning, that’s what matters.”

“Even with your new friends and all the other things to experience?” He paused. “With other men out there to choose from? Here there was only me.”

Peering intently into David’s pale eyes, Isaac shook his head. “I don’t want anyone else. You ground me. And I took it for granted. I took
you
for granted. It was so exciting to go to a real school, and meet English people who liked me. And I knew that I had you to take care of everything. To take care of me. Aaron and Jen too, and it made it so much easier for me to do what I wanted. I could go to the movies after school, or play video games at Derek’s. Meanwhile, you were working your butt off.”

“But I told you I didn’t mind. I wanted you to do all those things. I wanted you to have fun. Explore the world.”

Isaac propped himself up on his elbow again. “I know, and I love you for it. For wanting to take care of me. It felt good. It was like…I was a kid again. I didn’t have to worry about money. I didn’t even have chores to do. Not that school’s easy, but it’s not the same.”

“You deserve to have a break. To enjoy it.”

“What about you? You deserve it too. Why should I get to run around and do what I want while you and my brother support me? It’s not right. I was selfish.”

“No, Isaac. It wasn’t your fault. I should have told you the truth.”

“Yes, but I should have asked.
Really
asked. But I didn’t want there to be anything wrong, David. It was so hard to leave our families, and if it wasn’t perfect, I…I guess I was afraid of being a failure too. I was afraid you’d want to come back.”

David shook his head forcefully.

“I was afraid I would too. You remember how it was in Red Hills? Kids would run away and more often than not they’d come back before too long. They couldn’t make it out in the world. They’d have no choice, and even when I was little I could see how miserable they were. I didn’t want that to be us.”

“It won’t be.”

He thought of the phrase June had used. “I stuck my head in the sand. I knew deep down that something wasn’t right. But it was like…I didn’t want to know. I didn’t want to pick at the scab and make it bleed. I wanted it to get better on its own. So I let you smile and say everything was fine. I took the easy way. I won’t do it again. Neither of us is perfect.”

He smiled softly. “I guess not. I was so afraid of messing up that I made everything so much worse. Gary said I don’t have to have all the answers, but I felt like I did.”

Isaac tensed. “Gary?” Was there someone David hadn’t told him about?

“He owns a bar near the workshop. I got lost one night and he helped me. He’s my friend. You should meet him one day. He has a son named Isaac.”

“A son?” Isaac exhaled. “Is he married?”

“Uh-huh. He’s pretty old. His daughter’s in college. He’s really nice. You’d like him. We should go there when we get back.”

“I’d like that.” With a pang, Isaac sighed. “It feels so far away, doesn’t it? I want to be back there, and then I feel so guilty for not wanting to stay with Nathan and my family. I want to be there for them, but it’s so hard. Hiding the truth. Hiding ourselves.”

“It is. I wish I could make it better.”

Isaac smiled. “You want to protect me, but we have to protect each other. We’re supposed to be partners. Half and half.”

David nodded. “No more secrets. Deal?”

“Deal.” Isaac tucked his head under David’s chin and wrapped an arm tightly around his middle. He closed his eyes.

For a minute, they just breathed. Then Isaac murmured, “Tell me about drinking.”

David was quiet for so long that Isaac wasn’t sure he’d answer. Then he started talking, his voice a soft rumble.

“It…at first it was nothing. But then I started having the episodes. The panic attacks. It’s like…I can’t breathe, and I can’t see, and my knees give out, and I think I’m going to die right then and there. Like my heart will explode.”

Tears prickled Isaac’s eyes, and he nuzzled David’s neck, pressing kisses to his skin. He wanted to weep and shout at God that it was unfair for sweet David to suffer so very much, but it wouldn’t help now. “That’s awful,” he whispered.

After a moment, David went on. “And I started having something to drink afterward to calm me down. When we went out to the bar I’d get so nervous that I was going to say the wrong thing. Or do the wrong thing. Everyone seemed so…confident. And drinking seemed to help…even everything out. I found it helped when I panicked too. Then I started sneaking more to keep the attacks from coming. It started to get away from me.”

“It’s all right. We’ll figure everything out. We’ll fix this.”

David smiled softly. “Listen to you. So determined. So strong. I’m going to be strong again too.”

“You are. We’ll be strong together.”

“Together,” David echoed, lifting Isaac’s hand to kiss his palm with soft, damp lips before settling it over his heart.

Isaac caressed David’s chest, rubbing his cheek against him. “Is all this why you never wanted to come out and meet my friends from school?”

He nodded. “I was afraid they wouldn’t like me. That I’d say the wrong thing and embarrass you. You seemed to fit in so well, and I felt like a bad nail that bent and wouldn’t go into the wood while all the others went in straight and perfect. And I know you wouldn’t think that of me. I know. But as time went on I was more and more anxious. It doesn’t make any sense, but…”

“It does.” Isaac’s nose tickled as he blinked back tears. “It does, even though I hate that you’ve ever felt that way. I hate that you’ve ever felt unhappy or anxious or not good enough even for one second. Because you are.”

“I’m starting to believe that. I haven’t had another drink. I won’t. At least not in that way. Not to make things…numb. Jen’s setting up an appointment to talk to a doctor. One of those tiny people. No wait—shrinks. Like Aaron goes to see. I’m not going to hide from my feelings anymore. Or from my fear. I’m going to face it, Isaac.”

“We both will.” With a shiver, Isaac pushed himself up over David, covering him and tugging the blanket higher as a breeze danced over them.

David took Isaac’s face in his hands. “I love you. My little eechel.”

“I love you. I love you for when you buy me chocolate and put it in my backpack as a surprise. For when we’re having pizza, and you always get me an extra big glass of soda because you know the pepperoni makes me thirsty. I love you for how you hold my hand so tight when I’m scared. How you laugh at my jokes, and you make
me
laugh. I love the way you never get mad when I mess up and cut a plank the wrong size. The way you always leave the last cookie for me.”

Smiling, David shook his head. “But that stuff’s nothing.”

“No.” Isaac brushed their lips together tenderly. “That stuff’s everything.”

They’d just finished dressing when the train whistle sang in the distance, filling the night with its mournful cry. It had always made David sad in a way he couldn’t describe when he’d heard the freight trains rumble by Zebulon. But even now, after all they’d seen and done in California, Isaac’s face filled with wonder in the moonlight. He held his coat in both hands, a statue as he closed his eyes and listened. On his knees, David had been folding the blankets, and he stared up at Isaac.

After a minute, Isaac whispered, “Where do you think it’s going?”

“Anywhere you want.”

Isaac smiled at that. “All the way to the ocean, then.” He shivered as the whistle sounded again.

“We’ll go on a train soon. We’ll ride anywhere. Everywhere.”

“Can we? Really?” His smile widened. “I’d love that, David.”

“Me too.”

The train eventually passed, the rumble disappearing and the silence of the forest returning. Silver munched on an apple, her teeth crunching the core decisively. Isaac sighed. “I should go.”

But neither of them moved. Looking at Isaac dressed in his old Amish clothes again, a tendril of fear suddenly curled through David’s stomach.
It’s only for now. While Nathan’s sick. It’s not for good.
David took the coat from Isaac’s hands and threaded their fingers together. He was still on his knees, and Isaac smiled down at him.

“You’re not making it easier to leave.”

“It’s strange to see you dressed like this again. And me in English clothes.” It had been a relief to wear them again after he’d dressed Amish to see his family. “It’s…”

“What?” Isaac let go of one of David’s hands and smoothed down David’s hair. “Tell me what’s running through that head of yours.”

“Suddenly I had a thought that you’ll get stuck here. Seeing you in these clothes again…I guess it makes me worry.” He let go of Isaac’s hand and rubbed his face. “Sometimes everything makes me worry.”

“They’re just clothes, David. I’m still me. We’re still us.” He bent and kissed David’s forehead before straightening again.

“I know. You’re right.” David blew out a long breath, the tension leeching away. He ran his hands up and down Isaac’s legs.

“Keep doing that and I won’t make it home before dawn.” Isaac smiled slyly.

David chuckled, but skimmed his hands up Isaac’s thighs and over the flap covering his fly. He squeezed Isaac’s cock gently.

“I love how you look right now,” Isaac whispered. “On your knees for me.”

Heat flared in him, and David licked his lips, gazing up at Isaac as he rubbed him harder through his pants. “Let me make you come again. I want to taste you.”

Isaac’s Adam’s apple bobbed, and his lips parted as he nodded. David tore at the two buttons holding up the flap on Isaac’s pants and pulled out his cock. Where the Amish clothes had caused him stress a minute ago, now excitement skittered down his spine as he knelt before Isaac in his verboten jeans, hoodie, and sneakers. He nosed at Isaac’s groin, rubbing his face against the wiry hair there, feeling Isaac’s shaft start to swell and his balls grow heavy.

David took Isaac’s cock in his hand and stroked it, licking all around it and teasing the head. Isaac slid one hand into David’s hair, and David looked up at him under his lashes. He said it without thinking. “Speak German.”

Isaac’s fingers tightened in David’s hair, and he gasped softly. “
Gut.”
He groaned. “
Bitte hör nicht auf
.”

As Isaac murmured, telling David through his moans how good and beautiful he was, begging him not to stop, the guttural words spurred David on, sending fire through his veins. Isaac was clearly still sensitive from coming so recently, and he whimpered. But then he bit out, “
Härter
.”

The harsh command to go harder made David think of his father’s discipline or Bishop Yoder’s preaching. It shouldn’t have made his cock swell and strain even more, but it did all the same. David rubbed himself with the heel of one hand through his jeans. “
Etwa so
?”
Like this?

“
Ja, schneller
.”

Isaac throbbed in his mouth, stretching David’s lips as he sucked him desperately, as fast as he could. He smelled like hay and sex, and David inhaled deeply, his nostrils flaring as he sucked, spit dripping down his chin. With his free hand he touched Isaac’s balls, increasing the pressure as Isaac cried out, pulling on David’s hair painfully but still thrusting into his mouth as if it was too much and not enough at the same time. He muttered on in German, the words not making sense now.

When Isaac came he shuddered, gripping David’s hair and filling his mouth with what was left from earlier. The familiar salty musk tasted so good, and David swallowed it down before licking Isaac clean and making him moan. Isaac sank to his knees, panting. He pushed David’s hand away and quickly unzipped David’s jeans, pulling him out and stroking hard.

They kissed messily as Isaac worked him, and David moaned. He wasn’t sure he could come again, but he ached for it. Isaac pressed their foreheads together. Even in the night air, sweat beaded on their brows.

“
Guter Junge
,” Isaac whispered.

David could only gasp as he shot over Isaac’s hand, the pleasure ripping out of him roughly. Isaac repeated it, and David whined low in his throat.
Good boy.
It had made him come so hard, and he didn’t know why. As he sat back, Isaac’s hand still holding his cock loosely, David’s cheeks flushed.

But Isaac looked at him with only tenderness. “Thank you.”

He wasn’t sure what for, but David nodded. “
Ich liebe dich
.”

Isaac’s smile lit up his face as he kissed David’s hot cheeks, his lips soft and kind. “I love you too.”

#

David winced as the door to June’s house closed with a loud thud. It stuck a little, and he’d have to take a look at it and see what he could do. He took off his sneakers and tiptoed into the kitchen, jerking to a stop, his heart thumping as he saw Aaron sitting at the little round table. The light from digital clocks on the microwave and stove cast a faint bluish light. It was just after three o’clock.

“Sorry. Didn’t mean to scare you.” Aaron wore a T-shirt and pajama bottoms, and he toyed with a mug. “I’m actually trying warm milk to get to sleep. Really should have just taken a NyQuil before bed, but it’s too late now. I’d sleep until noon.”

“Maybe you should. You need the sleep.” David poured a glass of water and sat beside Aaron.

“Look who’s talking.” Aaron smiled softly. “Did you and Isaac talk things through?”

David nodded, and couldn’t help but blush. He hoped it was too dark to see. “Uh-huh.”

“Good. I’m glad.” He leaned a little closer, squinting. Then he chuckled. “
Knutschfleck.
”

David frowned, trying to think of the word. He’d never heard it. “What?”