Gentlewoman: Etiquette for a Lady, From a Gentleman (7 page)

It’s a tragic world we live in when extortionists hate rapists and adulterers shun liars. They’re all one in the same. And if it weren’t for grace, we’d all be judged the same. Matthew 7:3 says, “Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother’s eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye?” When you make mistakes, you suffer the consequence and eventually move on, so why won’t you provide that same grace to others? It’s irresponsible to believe your own hype. You have skeletons in your closet, too. The only difference between you and those you judge is your ability to deceive people into thinking you’re perfect. You can learn something from those you condemn.

Don’t judge someone else because they sin differently than you. No sin is greater or lesser in the eyes of God.

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Privacy
:
What is it that drives people to inquire about the personal affairs of others when it serves them no benefit? Is it an innate curiosity, or more trivial matter of gossip that drives folks to involve themselves unnecessarily in business that isn’t theirs? Perhaps it’s a selfish desire for attention that provokes some to willingly give up all that’s sacred.

“When made public, love rarely endures.”
-Andreas Capellanus

Translated today, the statement above simply means, if you let the world in your relationship, the world will end your relationship. This form of discretion doesn’t mean keep your love life hidden in the dark – you’re supposed to let your light shine. It means be wise about the information you share and with whom you share it with.

Transparency serves its purpose when it benefits the lives of others. If it doesn’t, then it isn’t their business. On the other hand, being opaque is obscure and impenetrable, but allows no light in. So live translucently. A translucent life permits a percentage of light to pass through depending on several variables, but isn’t clearly see-through. In other words, living translucently lets you control who has access to your life depending on your level of trust for them. Live a translucent life.

Consistent bragging about how good your man is in bed might cause your “girlfriends” to try to find out for themselves. Learn to keep certain aspects of intimacy and your love life private.

“A beautiful woman who lacks discretion is like a gold ring in a pig’s snout.”
–Proverbs 11:22

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Morals
:
These are a gentlewoman’s principles of right and wrong behavior. Morals define one’s character. It’s where the very thread of the cloth from which you’re cut is woven. Put great thought into what you stand for and let your morals guide you. Never compromise them and never lose your values. When you forfeit your morals, you forfeit your soul. There’s plenty of room to mess up, but always get back to virtue. Reflect on the woman you want to be and the legacy you want to leave.

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Happiness
:
It’s a choice. Happy people have mastered the art of happiness by controlling the way they respond to what life throws at them. The quicker you figure this out, the sooner you’ll enjoy life. Oh, and if everyone’s happy with you, you’re doing something wrong.

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Compliments
:
Compliments are vintage. Not that cool vintage that commands the respect of those both young and old, but that prehistoric vintage that smells old and seems outdated. Props to those who give props to those who deserve props, because far too many treat compliments like a kiss by someone with aggressive breath – hard to give.

It’s necessary to acknowledge the greatness in others because flattery humbles both the giver and the receiver. Giving a compliment is simply stating the obvious with an expression of admiration. Admiration is part of the human spirit. We’re supposed to feel good when others look good and do well. A compliment can turn a bad time into a perfect moment. It can even save the life of someone reconsidering living. When we think of it like that, maybe we’ll be more generous giving others what they truly deserve – love.

However, there is such a thing as overdoing it. Too many compliments can be an annoyance. Telling someone how great he or she looks five times in five minutes is aggressive and weird. Some compliments are inappropriate. Don’t compliment a young Lady for appearing older than she looks. And don’t compliment another Lady’s beau more than once. Use discernment.

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If you don’t go on dates with the person you date then you’re not dating
.
Pretty simple, huh?

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Humility
:
Stay humble. Loud arrogance is quiet insecurity.
Sexy
hardly speaks, and
greatness
doesn’t have to say it’s great. So walk gently leaving heavy footprints. Vanity is cheap concealer for the self-conscious. We see right through you.

Having humility doesn’t mean you shouldn’t be your best, look your best and do your best. Just keep it Bereolaesque!

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If you think being single sucks, it’s because you do
.
When you can’t stand your own company, no one else will either. Fall in love with yourself first.

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Honesty
:
Everything that no one is saying needs to be said. There’s a thin line between tact and tolerance. There’s too much hypersensitivity and political correctness. A gentlewoman believes in acceptance, but she also believes in correction. She believes in tolerance, but she also believes in accountability. Not everyone is “hating” on you–someone is telling you the truth. And the truth changes things. Not every word spoken requires an apology.

TRUTH WILL ALWAYS TRUMP WHAT YOU “THINK”

Honesty is a foreign language. Not many can speak it, and hardly anyone understands it. A “friend” who doesn’t inform you of your ill behaviors is an enemy who doesn’t want to see you prosper. Speak truth now and hand out Band-Aids later. Growth isn’t always comfortable. You’ll grow weary running from the truth. Everything that’s in the dark must eventually come to the light.

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Character
:
Your character will always speak louder than you do.

Shh! Be quiet. Don’t tell anyone who you are. Show them. Character is when your conduct talks for you. Yes, you sin, but life makes room for error. It also makes room for you to get back to virtue. It’s the will to get back that reveals character. Character can’t be heard, so don’t listen for it. Observe. Watch what people say and tune into what they do. Character isn’t circumstantial - neither success nor failure adjusts it. Built from difficult and sometimes unpopular decision. Beneath any facade, this is truly who you are. You might look good on paper, but your character is you. Words can’t change that. Character will sleep with you at night and wake with you in the morning. It will exist as your reputation when you’re dead and gone. You can’t get rid of it, but you can improve it. It’s your call.

People hear words, but rely on action. It’s time to stop talking.

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Selflessness
:
The true measure of selflessness is helping someone who can’t return the favor.

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You can change the world faster than you can change a man
.
Some women will compromise with the idea that they can change a man down the line. Unless he’s in diapers, you won’t be changing him. You can’t raise an adult. You are guaranteed to always fail. Stop trying. Date what is; not what you hope will be. You’ll know it when you see it. You can’t change your man, but you can change your mind.

Quit holding yourself responsible for an adult. Learn how to change a tire – Forget about changing a man.

NOTE:
When you focus on adding to us instead of changing us, we’ll want to change for you.

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Punctuality
:
One of the most disrespectful acts you can commit is to have no regard for someone else’s time. It’s a lazy gesture that says: I value other things more than you. Set all your clocks fast to trick yourself into thinking it’s later than it is. You can plan ahead by preparing directions the evening before. Get ready in the mornings even if you don’t have plans. You never know what might come up. If you stay ready, you won’t have to get ready.

Just don’t underestimate the power of time. When you think you have enough, it’ll pass you by in an instant. Don’t give into the illusion of idle time. Checking text messages, browsing the Internet, wrapping up work, etc. will eat up the clock. Always give yourself an extra 30-minute window at least.

Unforeseen events can happen beyond your control causing you to be late. In this case, have the courtesy to call the person(s) waiting on you and give them a new estimated time of arrival.

Being late isn’t the end of the world. Never put yourself or anyone else in danger just to be on time. That means no speeding to get there. It’s better to arrive late than dead.

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Positive Element of Surprise:
When you under-promise and over-deliver, you foster grounds for loyalty. Giving people better than what they expect is a good thing! It generally keeps them coming back for more. Apply this principle wherever it helps.

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Common Sense
:
Assuming everyone knows about common sense suggests you have none. It’s a valuable commodity that’s free. You’re born with it. You either listen to it, or you don’t. If everyone knew how to use it, I’d be out of business.

NOTE
: The only way to know what someone is thinking is to have a conversation about it...with them.

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When a grown man is interested – there’s no guessing game or fishing for answers…there’s no damn doubt about it
.
Live life and stop boggling your mind. If a confident man wants you, he’ll make the necessary moves to address you. If he doesn’t, he’s not serious or is uninterested. Get on with life.

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Control Personal Habits in Public:
That weird sound you make to scratch your throat; picking of the nose, spitting and even foul language should be limited in public places. The world isn’t your living room. Remember, good etiquette is rooted in consideration for your neighbor(s).

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Pet Control:
There’s a dog in my neighborhood whose owner thinks our lawn is a toilet. If I ever catch them two in action…well, let’s just say, they wouldn’t like it if I walked in their living room, grabbed a newspaper and helped myself to a bowel movement on their carpet. Sounds disgusting, right?

Pet owners…control your pets! You must respect the personal space of non-pet owners. Not everyone thinks it’s cute when Dodo the dog does the deed.

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Love Excessively
:
The world needs what you’ve got. Please don’t withhold your supply due to a few rotten people. Love is best displayed when given to those who don’t deserve it. Love is always worth it. The people who need the most love will ask for it in the most unloving ways. Never allow other’s discourtesy, rudeness or bad attitudes to change the core of who you are. You’re responsible for your reaction to others. Love over everything. Don’t be naïve, but do be love. Love hard. Love passionately. Love always.

NOTE:
Love people and use things. Don’t use people and love things. But you knew that already.

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Dealing with Racism:
It’s ignorant to believe we live in a post-racial society. Some people think race is only an issue if one makes it an issue. They think talking about something that creates division creates more division, or ignoring racism makes it go away. I wonder if ignoring cancer has that same effect.