Get It Done When You're Depressed (11 page)

A further note from Julie:
Feeling the depression and doing it anyway changed my life. I keep trying to work through my depression because I want to reach my dreams. There’s nothing I won’t do to stay alive. I want to see my nephew grow up. I want to feel romantic love. I want to travel and maybe go to school like a normal person. I have dreams despite being depressed most of the time. Getting things done no matter how hard it is or how terrible I feel comes from an inner strength we
all
have. Maybe you’ll cry all through the day, but you have it in you to keep going. You just have to tap into that strength by sheer determination.

Here are some other thoughts to consider:

Remember:
Feel the depression and do it anyway so you can at least wake up the next day knowing you accomplished something under very difficult circumstances. You absolutely can get things done, even when you’re depressed.

School creates unique challenges when a person is depressed. The deadlines are often more intense than a traditional work environment, and the amount of information that needs to be digested and tested can feel overwhelming. And if you come from a family that holds education in high esteem, you’ve likely got additional pressure and high expectations. Even when you’re not depressed, that can be a lot to deal with.

School often encompasses all the individual situations that can be difficult for someone who is depressed, but when they’re combined, they can be almost overwhelming for a person who’s depressed. Large, overstimulating classrooms; changes in eating and sleep patterns; living with strangers; heavy reading; intense concentration; public (class) speaking; test taking; keeping to a very strict time schedule; thinking of the future; increase in alcohol consumption; being away from parents for the first time; feeling isolated; working while going to school—that’s a lot, but it’s not even all of the pressures students often have to deal with. These changes are very intense for some students, who have little preparation for the extra mental problems outside of their actual class work.

When you’re depressed, having human contact can often feel a lot better than sitting alone and cramming yourself with information. But considering that you’re in school to learn skills, get a degree, and (for most people) get a job, you must create a school structure that supports you even when you feel too sick to study and attend class.

Do any of these potential school problems apply to you?

I started law school at age 22, and I was very pleased and excited to get into a top university. The first year wasn’t so bad, but by the second year, my depression was getting worse and worse and I had trouble focusing in class. The topics that were pretty easy the first year became more and more difficult to understand as my depression grew worse. I remember sitting in a lecture, crying, worried that I would flunk out. I had trouble in my study groups and started sleeping when I should have been studying. My adviser suggested I see a doctor. I kept thinking I was doing something wrong and that my intellect and sheer determination were enough to get me through. They weren’t.

I saw the doctor, and he agreed that I was profoundly depressed and suggested I take some time off. This isn’t really a possibility in law school. I would be behind in my classes and miss taking the “baby bars” on schedule. But I had no choice once I started to miss classes. It was a really hard decision, especially for my parents, who were paying my living expenses. But I knew I had to do something.

So I took a year off. I went on antidepressants, took a very low-paying social services job, and started to get better. When the year was over, I went back to class with more hope, but knew I had to be prepared. For the next two years of school, I was depressed off and on, but I was more able to handle it due to the medications and my time off.

I’m now a lawyer. Yes, taking a year off did mess up my schedule. But without that year off, I don’t think I would have finished at all. I may have taken a lot more time to finish than other students, but I’m glad I stuck it out.

I went to college before I created the strategies in this book. It took me eight years to get a degree. My family emphasizes education over almost anything else, and I was constantly asked why I couldn’t just get my degree and then my Master’s and Ph.D. like I should. “You are so smart, Julie, you could be a lawyer or professor or anything you want if you could just settle down and get your degrees.”

I definitely feel sad about the time lost and the fact that I was often too depressed and or distracted to keep going with my education. But I now see it as a miracle that I got my degree. Few areas in my life haven’t been affected by depression, but losing my ability to go to school in a normal amount of time has been a major disappointment.

Depression can cause impaired concentration and ability to think, which can result in poor grades. Then, the poor grades cause increasing feelings of failure and low self-esteem. In addition, the social requirements at school may become a source of distress, as the depressed person can often become isolated from people.

Many people go to college at a young age right out of high school. They are often away from family and the everyday structure they knew as children. If you were depressed before going to school, it’s especially important that you remind yourself that school can be a depression trigger and plan accordingly. If you’re in school now and the depression is new, you can create a structure you can use for school as well as your future work years. It’ll all be worth it; the day you have your degree will be one of the proudest days of your life.

Here are some more tips for getting your degree:

School has a set start and finish date. Degrees end. It helps if you constantly remind yourself that what you’re going through is not forever and that you can hold out if you think of the finished goal—a degree—instead of focusing on the amount of work you have to do now.

The work you do when you’re depressed is often as good as the work you do when you’re well. This seems impossible when you’re in the middle of a project, but it’s often true. When the negative thoughts come up that your work is no good, counteract them with specific replies such as
I will keep going. The work has to get done, and I’ll simply do what I can.

There’s no question that depression physically affects brain function. If you feel more distracted and less open to new information when you’re depressed, you’re not imagining things. You have solution options. For some, antidepressants and ADHD-type medications help. For others, overriding the depression and working anyway does the trick.

Rethink your expectations. Are your standards for when you’re well simply not possible when you’re depressed?

Ask for help. In many schools, teaching assistants have time to help you with difficult courses. You can go for help every day.

Never quit. Unless you are truly too depressed to work—which means you need immediate professional help—you have to make a rule for yourself that you won’t quit in the middle of a class. Finishing is often just as important as a grade.

But don’t let your class load get out of control. You might not be able to handle a full class load. This can be frustrating, but remember, you have to focus on the end goal, getting a degree, instead of getting down on yourself for not being able to handle a full load like many of your classmates. Ask yourself what’s more important, a degree or getting perfect grades. Some students with depression have to make that decision daily.

Always
go to class. This is not negotiable. Even if you sit in the back of the class crying, go to class. You’ll always feel better if you go, because depression responds to rules. Your brain is chaotic when you’re depressed, so you have to work around this and create structure.

And finally, the most important thing is to have a time and set place for studying. First decide what type of environment works best for you to take in information. The library? A coffee shop? Your dorm? Next, set a time and place to study, and make it non-negotiable. That means setting limits to any possible distractions. You might have to find a space where there are no people you know. You might have to turn off your cell phone, ban yourself from e-mail, and
make
yourself sit down and get your work done. If you think about it, this is really the only way you can make it through school: you have to sit down and study.

Remember:
Anyone who gets a degree while dealing with depression is a true scholar.

A depressed brain constantly tells you what you’re doing wrong, which is one of the main reasons you can’t get things done when you’re depressed. The tug-of-war struggle between what you want and need to do versus what depression is telling you to do can take away all your energy. With no energy, you don’t get anything done. You then feel terrible for not getting anything done … and the cycle starts all over again.

Depression’s negative chatter can be very, very persuasive. It’s hard to maintain who you are when you hear a barrage of negative self-talk all day long. But you don’t have to listen. Confront the thoughts depression gives you, and show depression who’s boss.

You’d probably never let a real person talk to you the way depression talks to you. You would fight back; you’d say, “Leave me alone!” or “You’re hurting me!” No matter what personality you have when faced with adversaries, remember that depression can so completely take over your thoughts that you’re no longer able to function at work or at home. This is especially true if you believe what the thoughts tell you.

Talking back to depression gives you the power. It can snap you back to reality and help you stay in the moment instead of letting depression lead you on a path through your “miserable” past and “hopeless” future.

Why do you need to talk back to depression?

There’s no question that depression can be very mean. You can counteract this by saying no and then being good to yourself.

I’ve been depressed for all of my adult life. I’ve felt like a failure for years. Whenever I’d try to do something, I’d get flooded by negative words and feelings.
You can’t do this. You’re crazy. You’ll never get anything done.
I felt a terrible feeling of doom. I got overwhelmed, and it really did just seem easier to sit and do nothing. But the day would pass with my accomplishing nothing, and I was more miserable than when I sat down. It’s like someone was abusing me, and I just sat there and took it.
There’s no point in living like this. Your life gives you no pleasure. There’s no point in going on today.

Finally I just couldn’t take it anymore. I didn’t have a job or any money. I was always sick. One day, I told my depressed thoughts to just shut up. I said, “Shut up! I won’t listen.” I got up from the chair, and I changed. It took more than a year to learn to see these thoughts for what they were and fight back, but now I don’t let depression tell me what to do. I still hear what it says, but I don’t have to believe it anymore. I just say, “Shut up!”