Girl Against the Universe (26 page)

I'm back in Daniel's office the Monday after Christmas. He fit me in near the end of the day since I missed two appointments due to Ireland and the holidays. Turns out Jordy switched his appointment too, so he'll be right after me as usual.

“So how was it?” Daniel asks.

“Ireland? It was good.”

I smile as I think about the past week, Mom and me riding horses with my grandma, the road trip we took all around the countryside so Siobhan could point out where her sons got into trouble doing this or that. And then the memorial ceremony. I'd expected it to be this somber affair, but it wasn't. My aunt started things off with a slideshow of Dad, Connor, and Uncle Kieran set to music that did make me cry a little. But after that my relatives all got up and told stories, each one funnier than the last. Then my cousins and their friends did a performance of traditional Irish dancing, after
which it was time to eat. I think everyone who lived within fifty miles dropped by Siobhan's farmhouse with some sort of baked good and/or alcoholic beverage.

I went thinking it would be a good way to finally put the tragedy behind me, but I ended up celebrating everything that came before instead.

Daniel cocks his head to the side and studies me for a moment. “Good? That's it? That's all I get?”

“It was . . . therapeutic. Seeing my grandma, meeting some cousins for the first time, sharing stories about Dad and my uncle. I'm glad I went.”

“How was the plane ride?”

“Horrible!” I shudder. “Luckily my mom made this playlist of music she and my dad used to listen to, and then we watched some of his favorite movies on my laptop, and even though I could tell she was about to fall asleep, she stayed awake with me the whole flight.”

“You didn't sleep?”

“No. No chance.” I suck in a sharp breath. “Oh, and there was all this turbulence as we approached Dublin, and I was pretty sure everyone was going to die. I kept thinking I'd have to make my way back here so I could haunt you from beyond the grave.”

Daniel laughs. “You're not the first client to threaten me with that.” He leans back in his chair. “But you survived.”

I look down at myself. “Apparently I did.”

“And so did everyone else?”

“Yep.”

“So then did you celebrate Christmas with your family here when you got back?”

“We did. Our flight landed on Christmas afternoon, so we celebrated that night, exchanging presents and taking my little sister out to see some lights. And then Mom and I slept for about two days.”

Daniel smiles. “Did you get anything good?”

“Mom and Tom wanted to talk about getting me my own car, but honestly the trip to Ireland was more than enough. Maybe next year if I get a job or something.”

“A job.” Daniel whistles under his breath. “I like the sound of that. Anything else new?”

I scrape the toe of my flip-flop back and forth across the carpet. “My mom and I joined a survivor's guilt group that meets every week at the community center. It's mostly military people, but I think it'll be helpful. Tom might even come too. He and I have been talking more. He's pretty cool. I think he got bored while Mom and I were gone, so he started reading my books. He wants me to join a book club with him.”

“Sounds fun,” Daniel says. “How are you feeling about everything you've accomplished?”

“I feel like you're a miracle worker. I'm practically a new toaster.” I grin. “Okay, maybe not quite like that, but I feel a lot stronger.”

“Good. But most of the credit belongs to you. You're
the one who came up with and then completed all of those challenges.”

“Right. I guess I should keep trying to repeat them? Reinforce things, like you said?”

“You can make up more challenges, too, if you want,” Daniel says. “Though you should probably come up with a new goal first.”

I smile. “I'll work on that.”

“How is your boyfriend doing?”

I blush. “I thought you weren't allowed to talk about him.”

“Well, I can't talk about him as a client. But I know how shaken up you were after the accident and then his surgery.”

“He's good,” I say. “So far the doctors have cleared him to play tennis. He's taking it slow, but he's hoping to be competing in tournaments again by next summer. He knows a lot is going to depend on what happens with his condition, but right now he's just happy to get back out on the court. But you know all that, don't you?”

Daniel nods. “How is it for you, being in a relationship, caring about another person like that? Does it make everything more scary?”

“Yeah, but that's how it is, right? The more good things you have, the more there is to lose.”

“Well said.” Daniel's eyes crinkle at the corners as he smiles again.

“Since we're getting all personal, how's your girlfriend?
Still with the sad guitar solos?”

His expression goes flat. “I don't have a girlfriend anymore,” he says somberly. Then when my face falls, he adds, “She's my fiancée now.”

“High five.” I hold up my hand. “Congrats, Doc!”

“Thanks.” He slaps my palm. “I'm impressed with everything you've accomplished, Maguire. Including the sneaky way you even get me to talk about myself sometimes. Your mom added on a couple of sessions, so maybe we can do every other week in January and then re-evaluate how things are going.”

“Sounds good.” I've come a long way in the past few months, but that doesn't mean I'm all better. I know there will be good times and bad times, but I'm ready to face them.

Jordy hops up from his seat and pulls me into a kiss the second I leave the office. “Hi,” he says, after we finally break apart.

“Hi.” I reach out and steady myself against the back of the nearest chair. His kisses have a way of making the whole world wobbly.

“Are you headed home?”

“I was. Why?”

“You should hang out and wait for me. I could use your help later with another homework challenge.”

“What is it?” I ask.

“It's a secret.”

I give him a sideways glance. “Does it involve dolphins?”

He scoffs. “Something way better.”

“What's better than dolphins?” I ask incredulously. “They've got those big brains and they're always saving drowning fishermen.” I run my fingertip across his lower lip. “They've got those perfect smiles.”

We kiss again, and then Jordy says, “Whales, of course.”

“Do you have a secret whale island too?”

“Nope, but it's peak season. Have you ever seen whales in the wild?”

I shake my head. “I haven't been to the beach in years.”

“I think we need to fix that. Do you have a book to read or something?”

“I didn't bring one, but I can just mess around on my phone.”

“I have something you can read.” Jordy pulls out a small, flat package. It's not nearly big enough to be a book.

“Jordy. You already gave me a present.” I hold up my wrist to show him that I'm wearing the charm bracelet he gave me for Christmas. So far it has exactly seven charms on it: a tiny likeness of Ireland, a tennis ball, a heart, a book, a rock-climbing shoe, a four-leaf clover, and a dolphin.

“I know. But this is more something I
made
you. Girls like that, right?” He presses the wrapped square into my hands and then heads for Daniel's office. He turns back at the last second. “If you don't like it, I might actually go for option A this time and pretend I didn't give it to you.”

“Whatever.” I smile. I sit down in a chair and turn the package over in my hand. Using one finger, I break the tape. It's just a folded piece of notebook paper. When I unfold it, I realize it's Jordy's challenge list.

Jordy Wheeler's super-awesome shrink homework

           
GOALS:

           
Make Real Jordy and Tennis Jordy into one person.

           
Stand up to my parents; decide my future and do it on my own terms.

           
CHALLENGES:

           
1. Make a list of how Real Jordy and Tennis Jordy are different.

           
2. Hang out with someone who doesn't know Tennis Jordy: girl from Daniel's office

           
3. Do something both Real Jordy and Tennis Jordy want to do: work with the girls' team

           
4. Do something just for Real Jordy: help Maguire with her serve

           
5. Do something parents wouldn't approve of: sneak out to help Maguire

           
6. Pick Real Jordy over Tennis Jordy: forfeited match when Penn got hurt

           
7. Hang out with someone who prefers Real
Jordy: Kimber, Penn, Maguire

           
8. Do something for Real Jordy and not lie about it: Climbing with Maguire

           
9. Stand up to parents: That one night with Mom, and every day since then

           
10. Acquire all the info I need to make future decisions: coach, agent, etc.

           
11. Make a list of pros and cons for going pro vs. playing in college.

           
12. Make a decision based on what's best for Real Jordy, not Tennis Jordy.

           
Bonus lucky 13: Tell Maguire that I love her.

The paper trembles in my fingertips. I read his list again, blinking back tears.

“I love you too,” I say quietly, but the words feel awkward. Foreign. I try it again. And again. I want to be ready when he is.

Then I decide to try something different. Jordy has always been ahead of me, in therapy, on the tennis court, in admitting his feelings. I tilt my head upward. “I love you,” I whisper into the face of an imaginary Jordy. I giggle slightly. My heart starts racing in my chest, but it's a good kind of fear. I practice once more. “I love you, Jordy Wheeler.”

Maybe this time I'll take the lead.

Like most people with mental illness, Maguire is afflicted by multiple disorders, the severity of which can change from day to day based on internal and external factors. A lot of people think that therapy is only for those who are unstable, suicidal, or impaired to the point of being unable to function at school or work. This is simply not true. If you are experiencing emotions that are affecting your quality of life, please consider seeking help. If you are uninsured or think you cannot afford therapy, speak to a teacher, counselor, school nurse, clergyman, social worker, or general medical doctor about your concerns. Schools and colleges often provide free services, and community leaders can frequently help people find online or local low-cost support groups.

The National Alliance on Mental Illness (NAMI) estimates that in the United States, one in four adults and one
in five teens experiences mental illness in any given year. Fifty percent of chronic mental conditions begin by age fourteen, yet despite the effective treatments available, it is often decades before people seek help. Failure to seek help can be devastating not just to the afflicted, but also to family and friends. For more info, or to find support, please visit NAMI at
www.nami.org.

I have taken some minor liberties with the portrayal of the cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) that Maguire undergoes during her sessions with Dr. Leed. Parts of her initial assessment and self-monitoring have been omitted for the sake of length. CBT is actually an umbrella term for styles of therapy that combine strategies from Beck's school of cognitive therapy with the behaviorist principles made famous by Watson and Skinner.

What is important to know is that there are many different types of CBT, as well as other types of therapy like psychoanalysis. If you try one and find it unhelpful, please don't give up on your treatment. Just like with medication regimens (of which there are also many options), it often takes a few tries for a healthcare provider to figure out what works best for an individual client. Communication is key. If your treatment isn't working, please let your doctor or therapist know so they can help you.

If you're currently struggling, please remember there
are a lot of people in the Universe who understand what you're going through. And there are people in your own Universe who want to help you—who will help you—if you just reach out.

As always, I am extremely grateful to my family and friends, and to my agent Jennifer Laughran, aka my publishing good luck charm. Thanks, all of you, for continuing to make everything seem possible.

Extra-special thanks to my editor, Karen Chaplin, whose feedback guided this book into an entirely new realm. I've never revised as deeply as I did with this novel—and the process was brutal!—but the end result was so worth it. Thank you for helping me find the true meaning of Maguire's story.

More thank yous:

To Rosemary Brosnan and everyone else at HarperTeen who had a part in turning Maguire's story into this gorgeous book that I love from cover to cover. Also to the people who work hard to promote and sell the books. You guys are all geniuses!

To booksellers, librarians, and teachers everywhere, aka my superheroes. Thank you for being tireless advocates
for books and authors.

To my beta readers and publishing forever-friends, including the YA Valentines; the Apocalypsies; Marcy Beller Paul; Jessica Fonseca; Cathy Castelli; Heather Anastasiu; Elizabeth Richards; Jessica Spotswood; Christina Ahn Hickey, MD; Crystal Leach; Jennifer Gaska; Stacee Evans; Sara Slattery; and María Pilar Albarrán Ruiz. Sara won a contest where she got to name a character (or two or three) and Pili found her way into these pages by being so kind and enthusiastic that when I needed a nurse character I could think of no one but her. Additional thanks to those people who candidly shared their own experiences with therapy in general and CBT in specific.

To several of my street teamers and Twitter friends who were incredibly supportive while I attempted to rewrite this book and revise another book for deadline at the same time: I really want to name all of you here, but this is where I fear I would forget someone. Just know that if you sent me tweets, emails, cards, stroopwafels (okay, Debby Kasbergen totally deserves mention for sending the most amazing treats—internationally. Love you, Debby!), etc., telling me you believed in me and my work, that those words made all the difference.

And last, but never least, to you, just for being a reader, and also for giving my book a chance when there are so many others to choose from. I struggled trying to decide who I should dedicate this story to, but the answer turned out to be obvious. All the hearts for you.